~𝟲~

"Hey, how'd you sleep?" Hyunjin asked as I passed him in the hallway. My stomach dropped when I heard him stop, the conversation to follow obviously more pressing to him than what he intended to do a moment before.

"I slept okay," I said, keeping the pace I had before he spoke. If I didn't get away, I might have cracked or broken down or...

"Hey, wait up." He took my wrist and turned me around, making me look up at him. His dark eyes masked deep concern, and yet his features were cheerful.

"Can I talk to you?" he asked, his hand moving from my wrist to my hand. I pulled away.

"If you are here to talk about what you heard yesterday, I don't want to talk about it."

He took in a breath, the slight smile falling from his face. I turned around and kept walking, hearing him follow after me. It freaked me out, making me feel cornered. I rushed down the stairs, just needing to get away. He called after me, making me look back. My feet kept going and I tripped. He reached to grab me, but I landed against something else. I looked up and found Felix looking down at me, his eyes wide. I pulled myself out of his arms and kept going, darkness clouding my mind. I ran to the training area. Just as I was about to get to the door, it opened, making way for Chan and Jeongin to come out. I stopped in my tracks. I turned around, trying to push down the fear. Felix and Hyunjin came from the other direction, boxing me in.

"Please just leave me alone!" I yelled, pushing past them.

To my surprise, they didn't stop me. I ran back up to my room, hunger from previous completely forgotten. I slammed the door shut, breathing hard. I rested my head on the door trying to clear my mind. I turned and pressed my back against the door, my legs giving way from underneath me. Tears streamed over my cheeks, dripping onto the carpeted floor beneath me.

Just breath. He won't find you. You're safe, I repeated over and over in my head, trying my best to keep the memories at bay. The screams and whimpers blaring in my mind, so loud I could've sworn I was hearing them swirling around in my room. My screams and whimpers. I laid down onto my side, clutching my knees to my chest. The tears making the carpet underneath me wet. I heard a knock on my door. Heard Chan's voice call out to me. Heard my heart pounding in my ears.

"Please can I come in?" he asked, barely audible over my crying.

"Go away. I can't talk about this," I sobbed. I could almost picture him standing in front of the door, contemplating whether he should open the door or just leave it.

"At least... At least come eat something. You can't start the day without food in your body."

When he heard no answer except my persistent crying, he must have decided to just leave me. I heard his gentle footsteps leave. That small act made me feel even more alone and hopeless. I wouldn't have spoken to him even if he stayed, but it would've been nice to at least have someone stay with me.

"That's what you get for being the way you are," I said to myself through sobs.

...

The rest of the day, I didn't leave my room. The boys seemed to know that I wanted to be left alone, not once knocking on my door. The only presence known to me was Chan, checking in every hour and telling me I had to eat something, to which I just stayed silent. I just kept staring out my window.

The next day was exactly the same. Just me staying in my room, the only thing keeping me company being my demons. Again, Chan checked in, but only when they were going to eat. With every check-in I gave the exact same reaction, complete and utter silence. With each check-in he sounded more and more concerned. With each check-in, I felt more and more pitiful.

"Please understand," I would whisper as I heard Chan walk away, but I knew it was a long shot.

(Third person, Chan's perspective)

By the third day, Chan was tired of Ava being so stubborn. So, he decided to use the spare key to her room. He just wanted to give her some food, get her eating again. But when he walked in and saw the tear stains on her cheeks, he didn't want to leave again.

"What can I do?" he asked softly, keeping distance between the two of them.

"Please, just leave me alone. I just need time to... to get back to normal."

Chan wanted so badly to hug her in that moment, but as soon as he made the slightest movement towards her, she turned defensive and curled in on herself. He couldn't understand why, but he knew he wouldn't get her to talk unless he did as she asked.

"Okay, I'll leave you. But you have to eat. I'll bring you food at every mealtime and you have to promise you will eat at least some of it, no matter how much you don't want to. Just promise me that."

He saw her nod and felt slightly better about leaving her. At least he knew now that she wouldn't starve to death. And with that he left her again. As soon as the guys saw him coming down the stairs, they bombarded him with questions. He waited for them to all sit down and quiet down before telling them anything. Once they were calm, he spoke.

"She said that I can bring her food, but she needs time to get back to normal."

"What does she mean by that?" Jeongin asked. The question hung in the air, suffocating the guys until Chan answered.

"I don't know. I don't know why she is doing this, but I do know that she has most definitely gone through some kind of trauma. I don't know much more than that."

The boys sighed at not having any new information or any answers, but they knew that Ava would tell them once she was ready to.

(First person, Ava's perspective)

For a whole week, I didn't leave my room once. Chan brought me food every day, but besides for the "thank you" I gave him, I didn't have any other human interaction. I had dark circles under my eyes from staying up all night just to avoid the nightmares. My palms were sore from digging my nails into them every time a memory resurfaced. Sometimes I would listen to the members bickering in the hall or laughing downstairs just to feel like I still had a reason to stay. But it just made me feel like I didn't belong there. I had started writing down how I felt every time I could feel the tears creeping up to my eyes, like my therapist had told me to do three years ago. Pages and pages of words that couldn't quite describe how I felt. I was asking myself on a daily basis whether or not I should stay. I would probably never be able to work with the boys. I would always be afraid; afraid of what they would do to me, afraid of the fact that they didn't know about my secrets, afraid that they wouldn't be able to protect me if... I shook my head, banishing the thought. I heard a knock at my door, signalling it was mealtime. I opened the door carefully, seeing Chan staring back at me, plate of food in his hands.

"I brought you some lunch."

"Thank you," I said, taking the plate from him. Just as I was about to turn away, he put his hand on my shoulder.

"The reason that you need time to go back to normal, was it something one of us did?"

I was quite surprised by his question, but I guessed something similar would come up eventually.

"No. It was bound to happen sometime, but none of you had anything to do with it. It's just... Me being silly, I guess."

"Hey." He gently took my free hand. "Feeling emotions is not being silly. I should know."

"What do you mean?" I asked, only realizing after it slipped out how forward it was.

"Let's just say, I know what it feels like to have trauma."

He smiled at me, gently squeezing my hand before letting me go.

"Now go on. You're probably hungry," he said, motioning to my room.

"Can I... I mean could I perhaps... If you don't...."

"You can tell me. Just breathe."

I took a deep breath before asking the question. 

"Can I join you guys? For lunch I mean."

As I asked, my hands started trembling again. Was this the right choice? What if I wasn't ready? What if I let my secret slip? My thoughts were interrupted when he spoke.

"If you think you're ready, then there isn't really a reason for me to stop you."

His words put me slightly at ease. He took my plate from me again and started heading down the stairs. I followed, keeping my head low so as to avoid eye contact. Way too soon for my liking, we were at the table. I could feel all eight pairs of eyes on me as I lifted my own gaze.

"Can I... Maybe join you guys for lunch?" I asked, not sure anyone heard me because of how softly I spoke. They all shared glances before shooting me the most endearing smiles I had ever seen.

"Sure, you can," Felix said, his deep register soothing to my nerves. He also has an Australian accent, I thought as I sat down.

The table erupted into excited chatter, and I just sat and listened, basking in the feeling of being near people again. Maybe my demons will leave me alone for a while, I thought. I was wrong.