≧ Goodbye world... ≦

"PIAK!"

I did it. I slapped him.

His mouth dropped open, staring at you in confusion and shock.

The girl covered her mouth, her nails painted bright red, and proceeded to crade his face in her hands, gentle and affectionate.

That's enough. Here she is, touching Hanbin so affectionately infront of me, his girlfriend. Wait, I guess this means I'm no longer his girlfriend.

Without a word, I spunned round and walked away as fast as I could, feeling the hot tears roll down my flaming cheeks.

Betrayed. I've just been betrayed by the person I loved the most. This breakup couldn't be any worse. My nails dug into my palms as I tried to overwhelm my emotional pain with physical pain instead.

But the ache in my heart was unbearable, threatening to tear me apart shred by shred.

This feeling was all too familiar, just ten times more amplified. How many times has he hurt you? How many more times would you have to cry yourself to sleep because of him?

No more. The two of us were done. He'd just shown me that he has another girl, a hint that he no longer loves me, no longer want me. Forget about him, Hyemi. 

I broke into a run, unconsciously heading towards the Han river. It's where I always went to when I needed a place to emo and think things through, and I guess it's already become my safe haven of escape.

Everything around me became a blur, and it felt like a rock band was playing inside my head, causing the splitting headache that felt like my head was going to crack open completely.

Hot tears blinded me as I ran, the cold wind blasting against my face freezing them almost immediately. I clutched my jacket tighter around my body, shaking unconsciously.

I thought I heard someone shouting continuously behind me, but my ear wasn't functioning properly now. It was ringing non-stop - the way it does when I'm feeling really stressed about something, and I couldn't hear anything much at all.

I can't believe it. He's gone, for real this time. I knew that no amount of physical pain could ever outweigh the emotional pain. It was all too much to shoulder all of a sudden.

Reaching the Han river, I ran forward and gripped onto the railing, letting the fierce wind thrash my hair around.

So this was my pathetic life. Chasing after a dream that I wasn't even sure would ever happen. Chasing after a dream without Hanbin by my side.

I've been supressing it all this time, all my insecurities and depression. Hanbin had been the one making me better, bringing me out of my shell.

I thought I'd finally found someone who really understood me, someone I could finally lead into my enclosed heart.

But it was all just a dellusion. I was wrong.

And now, I've just lost the person that has been keeping me rooted, making sure I was happy enough to get by each day.

I glanced down into the river, its bottom a murky wonder, imaging myself, afloat on the surface, dead.

How would Hanbin react, after hearing the news of my death? Would he feel guilty? Would he be sad, or happy over the good riddance?

And what about my dream of becoming an idol? Do I really want to give all that up just because of Hanbin? All my hard work and determination, just gone down the drain like that?

It was like an angel and a devil having a debate inside of me, each struggling to have their voice heard.

But as always, the devil always wins. Giving up was just an easier option. I was tired, so tired of waking up everyday not knowing what it holds.

Tired of reaching towards my dreams and not knowing when it will come true. Tired of my insecurities, tired of having to deal with them and still act as though nothing was wrong with me.

No, there are many things wrong with me. Being suicidal might be one of them, but in this moment, it actually seems like a rather good idea.

Once I'm dead, I'll have no more feelings, no more pain. I'll no longer feel so suffocated, every breathe like a sharp knife wiggling its way down my throat.

When will the sun rise? When will I be okay? There was nowhere to go, not when my soul has already left my body.

So I flung my feet onto the bottom railing of the metal bar, hauling myself up. There wasn't anyone nearby. When would they discover my dead body? When would they even realize that I was missing?

My nails dug into the flesh of my palms as I hyperventilated, bringing my fist down heavily to pump against my chest. It felt so horrible, as if my head was stuffed in a plastic bag, rid of oxygen.

I wanted to end the suffering so badly. Yes, I'm selfish. I just want to stop hurting, to stop my heart from bleeding.

Before I made the jump, my mind filled with all the beautiful memories with Hanbin.

The first time he had kissed me... I'd smiled at him shyly, asking him, "Am I your first love?"

"No, I've had crushes before. But you're my first girlfriend. My first, and my last." He had replied, looking at me sincerely, his warm brown eyes scanning my face adoringly.

"Jjinja? (Really?)" I still remember how my heart was pounding so fast I was afraid it would burst out of my chest. How I melted just staring into those gorgeous eyes of his.

"Jjinja. I promise. I love you."

And he leaned in for a deep kiss, his hands cupping my chin and tilting my head up slightly, his lips drawn to me like magnet. I lost myself in him, my body melting against his, feeling his heat waffer through me.

But now, everything has changed. His promise no longer stands true. I'll no longer feel his warm lips against mine. No longer feel my heart accelerating when he was near.

Maybe I would feel that for someone else, but it won't be him. And if it wasn't him, then there was no point in living. The pain it'll bring me to get over him would be too much to bear, and no, I'm just not that strong.

So I jumped.