she's still me

i watched you all day. not in a cute, "wow i have a crush" kind of way. no.in a jealous, stomach-twisting, teeth-grinding kind of way.

you were laughing with someone else. some girl from the crew.the one who always finds excuses to touch your arm or lean a little too close when she talks.

and you let her.

you fucking let her.

and maybe i'm insane, but your laugh was different than the one you give me.

it was light. fake. practiced. not the one i got when i made you spit water through your nose two nights ago.

and i just sat there—watching—feeling like a ghost in my own body. wondering if i'd imagined all of it. the kiss. the hoodie. the way your hands gripped my waist like you'd die without me._______________________________________________you found me in my dressing room after soundcheck.knees to my chest. hoodie pulled over my face.

"billie?"

i didn't answer.

you closed the door behind you. i heard your shoes hit the floor.

then the couch dipped beside me.

"you good?"

"peachy."

you sighed. "what's going on?"

i looked at you. finally.

"you're really gonna ask me that after today?"

your brows pulled together. confused. or pretending to be.

"what did i do?"

"you let her touch you," i snapped. "you laughed with her. like i wasn't even in the fucking room."

you blinked. then leaned back. "you're not my girlfriend."

ouch.

i bit the inside of my cheek. tasted blood.

"you kissed me," i whispered. "twice."

"and i told you i needed time."

"then don't act like i'm crazy for feeling like this."

silence. heavy. loaded.

you reached out. touched my hand, and i flinched.

not because i didn't want it—because i did. so bad. but because it wasn't enough anymore.

"you scare the shit out of me," you admitted.

i stared at you.

"you're... everything, billie. and when you look at me like that, i don't know how to breathe."

i was shaking.

"then let's drown together."_______________________________________________that night, you didn't go back to your room.

we laid in my bed, your arm draped around my waist. my face buried in your neck. your breath in my hair.

but we didn't speak.

just silence. raw and real.

your fingers traced circles on my hip, and i swear, i could feel every nerve in my body scream.

your knee brushed between my thighs. just enough to make me ache. but not enough to push.

and i stayed still. terrified that if i moved even an inch, i'd ruin everything._______________________________________________at 3am, you whispered:

"do you still cry?"

my heart fucking cracked.

i nodded. because i did. every night. over you. over the old me. over not knowing who the fuck i was becoming.

you kissed the back of my neck.

"i think she's still you."

END OF CHAPTER 3NEXT CHAPTER: AM I ACTING MY AGE NOW?✌🏽 ps: it's gonna be FIRE