(Eddie)Chapter 4- Lockers

Everything at this point is so confusing. I like Richie but then there's Betty, and I think I might like her too. Why would I feel this way?! I mean I liked only girls growing up, but then two years I started seeing Richie differently. So I thought I was gay, but I like Betty, so what does that make me? Is there even a word for it? Or am I just confused? Maybe I'm straight, but then Richie just does something to my brain, so when I'm with him I'm not. I hate this. I hate not knowing.

"Eddie."

I snap out of thought to Betty who sits across from me. Were at Burger King. She invited me to come to see her after her shift. She looks cute in her uniform and smells strongly of french fries.

"Sorry, I uh spaced out." I stutter, drawing my attention back to her.

"It's alright. So as I was saying, even when I asked for extra credit to raise my grades up he wouldn't give it to me. Even though I saw him give an extra credit assignment to Greta yesterday. If you ask me I think they're sleeping together. I mean, Mr.Jansen just seems like that kind of man." Betty says, taking a sip of her drink.

"Richie actually had that theory a few weeks ago," I chime in.

She gives me a tired look and I can tell I messed up.

"You and Richie are really close huh," She sighs.

"Yeah, I mean we've been best friends for years. Does it bother you?" I ask.

"Well, to be honest, I'm worried Eddie," She says.

"About what?" I question.

"I've just heard rumors about Richie, and that he's a- you know."

"A what, Betty?"

"A homo, Eddie." She whispers.

"Oh?"

"And so the more you talk about him the more I worry that I'm just a cover-up for you."

I feel my jaw drop. I quickly close it, searching for words. But honestly, she may be right.

"Betty I-"

"I mean, it's fine if you are, Eddie. I understand and I'll support you fully. It's just- I don't want to be lead on." She tells me.

"Your not." I snap.

Everyone's eyes turn to us, and I shrink down in the booth. They slowly look away and I lean across the table.

"I swear- I would never- Your not a cover-up. And rumors are rumors, Betty. Henry Bower's used to call Richie all kinds of things, and he was just a psychopath." I tell her.

She still looks unsure.

"Eddie, even if Richie isn't you know. Are you sure your not?" She questions, making eye contact with me.

I look down at the table, thinking. I don't want to lie to her. I'm tired of lying.

"I don't know," I answer.

Her eyes turn sad.

"I'm sorry," I tell her, my stomach starting to ache.

"Don't be," She says.

"But I am. It's shitty of me to put you through this." 

"It's not your choice."

"But it is. I could just ignore that side of me and be normal."

"Eddie, you don't have to be normal for me. If you're not sure, I'll be here for you. As a friend, or a girlfriend."

I look up at her, smiling. She smiles back. She's truly beautiful. I wish I could feel for her like she does me.

"Betty, do you wanna go to homecoming with me?" I ask.

"You sure?"

"Yeah."

"Then yes, I'd love to."

***

I look around the shop, feeling empty. Mom drags me over to a section of navy blue suits. 

"Oh, Eddie Bear, you're going to be the most handsome boy at the dance!" She squeals, picking up a suit.

"And even taking a girl! An older woman too!" She giggles, handing me the suit," Try this one on sweetie."

"Okay," I mumble, taking it and walking to the dressing rooms.

*** 

I walk out of the dressing room, feeling stiff and uncomfortable. My mom squeals while the salesman looks me up and down.

"Oh, you look so good Eddie Bear!" She giggles, walking over and brushing off the suit.

I look in the mirror at myself. I look like any other high school boy, except my height. I'm still short for my age, and I don't think I'll get much taller. Richie, on the other hand, has had a growth spurt almost every year. He's now reaching six feet tall, and still time to grow. It's almost annoying, especially when I can't reach something and he just has to do it for me. 

"I think this is the one!" My mom tells the salesman.

"I'll ring you up for when you're ready." He says, walking away.

"Alright, honey go get changed and well head back home. It's almost time to take your afternoon medicine." She says before walking away. I sigh and head back into the dressing room.

I look at myself in the mirror. My eyes are sunken from lack of sleep. And my mouth is tugged down into a frown. I look pale, my summer tan now is gone. I can't stand this stupid suit. It just reminds me of how I'm trying to be something I'm not.  Betty and Richie pop back into my head. I truly do like Betty. But I love Richie. His stupid oversized glasses, and his braces, and his stupid black curls. 

I look up to find myself blushing. I rub my face and start to change my clothes. I stop when I pick up my jacket. It's Richie's green jacket. I slip it on, looking at myself in the mirror. I stick my hand into the inside pockets. In one I pull out a half-empty pack of cigarettes, and in the other, one of my extra inhalers. I chuckle to myself. That's Richie. 

I take out a cigarette and sniff it, taking in his scent. I then cough harshly, dropping the cigarettes and huffing my inhaler. I pocket my inhaler and gather the cigarettes back into the box and into my pocket. If my mom found out I'm even holding unto these she'd kill me.

***

I walk up to Richie in the hallway as he stands at his locker.

"Hey," I say.

He glances at me and then turns back to his locker.

"Hey," he says.

"Have you been avoiding me?" I ask.

"No."

"Don't lie to me."

"I'm not."

"You are. Why?"

"I'm not. Your just busy with your girlfriend, whatever her name is."

"It's Betty. You've met her what, four times now?" I question.

"And your keeping track."

"Why do you hate her?"

"I don't"

"Richie," I slam his locker shut, making him look up at me, a shocked look on his face,"We're friends, and friends don't lie to each other. So spit it out!"

Richie leans towards me, putting his hand on the lockers behind me. I'm pinned against the wall and him. My breathing turns shallow, and my heart throbs in my head. He's so close, too close. 

"You want the truth, Eds?" He breathes.

He leans into my ear, and I can feel his hot breath on my face.

"I fucked your mom." He whispers.

Anger boils down in my stomach and makes its way through my whole body. I shove Richie away from me. He stumbles back to the other side of the hallway and hits the lockers.

"Fuck you!" I scream at him.

"Dude, what the fuck!" He grunts, standing up straight.

"Do you have any idea how frustrating you are?!" I scream.

Richie stares wide-eyed at me. And I can feel everyone else's eyes on us.

"You didn't have to shove me," Richie complains.

I step forward and shove him again, forcing him into the lockers. 

"Get the fuck off of me!" He yells, shoving me back. I fall hard on the ground, banging my head on the ground. I cry out in pain, my head throbbing.

"Eddie!" Richie exclaims, falling to the ground next to me. His eyes are filled with worry, and his hands hover over me, not knowing what to do.

"Leave me alone, Richie!" I scramble up," Stay away from Betty, and stay away from me!"I turn and leave, Richie still on the ground. 

I didn't mean for this to happen. He just faked me out though. And I'm so tired. Tired of all this bullshit. I can't stick around for Richie, not any longer. He needs to make up his mind. 

"E-Eddie!" I hear Bill call down the hall. I stop and turn to see him running up to me.

"What the hell?!" He exclaims.

"I can't talk now Bill," I tell him, turning and walking away.

Bill grabs my arm, twisting me around to face him.

"You and Richie n-n-need to figure y-your shit out!" He tells me, "Your t-tearing our gr-group apart!"

"Let go-" I thrust my arm away," Bill!" 

I turn and march down the hallway, wanting to just be left alone. 

***

I stare up at my ceiling, thinking of one thing; Richie. And how much I want his hands on mine, and his stupid lips on mine, and his stupid laugh. Just how much I want Him. And how much I shouldn't. How wrong it is to be thinking like this. It's sinful and disgusting. So why do I like it so much? Why do I want to kiss another boy? Am I sick? I must be sick. Healthy people don't think like this. 

Knock, knock.

I sit up, turning my head to the window. I crawl out of bed and open the window to show Stan in his pajamas sitting in the tree crawling up to my window.

"Stan? What the hell?'' I whisper.

"Help me in." He tells me, offering me a hand. 

I take it and hoist him inside. I sit down on my bed, Stan looking around. 

"What are you doing here?" I ask, curious as to why Stan would want to come to talk to me at one in the morning.

"What's going on with you Eddie?" He asks, walking over to my nightstand.

"What do you mean?" I question.

"You're being an asshole more than usual. You're blowing us off, fighting Richie. I don't think Betty's good for you." He says, picking up a pill bottle.

"It's not Betty, Stan. She's fine, it's just-" I stop, afraid.

"It's just what, Eddie?" Stan questions, putting the bottle down.

"Have you ever been in love?" I ask, not looking at him.

"Yes. I assume you are?" He says.

"I-I think so...But have you ever been in love with a friend? But you're scared because you could ruin the friendship and the whole friend group and-"

"Yes."

I look up at him, trying to hide my shocked face.

"Bill," I say.

"Yeah."

"But I thought you two were-"

"Were not."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

The awkward silence stretches between us.

"You should tell him," Stan says.

"What?" I scoff.

"Tell him, Eddie."

"I can't."

"You can."

"No, I can't !" I exclaim. I quickly cover my mouth, afraid I woke my mom.

"What would I even tell him? Hey, I'm gay but only for you. I still think I'm straight though." I joke.

"So you do like Betty?"

"I don't know Stan!" I sigh, falling back on my bed.

"Just don't hold it in forever like I do Eddie. It makes things worse."

"Why don't you tell Bill?" I ask.

"Because, if we start something and our parents found out....let's just say it wouldn't be good." Stan murmurs.

"How do you think I feel? My mom's already controlling my life twenty-four seven."

"It sucks."

"You got that right."

"Hey, Eddie?"

"Yeah, Stan?"

"Let's make a promise."

"Kay?"

"That when we graduate high school we'll get out of this shit town."

"Stan..."

"Promise Eddie."

I sit up, locking eyes with Stan. He's serious.

"I promise." 

***

I sit in homeroom next to Mike, barely awake.

"Hey, dude, are you okay?" He asks, concerned.

"Fine, just didn't sleep well last night."

Mike grunts, turning back to his work.

"Hey, Mike."

"Yeah?"

"Are you bringing your girlfriend, uh Maria to the dance?" I ask.

"Yeah, I planned on it. Why?"

"Well, I was gonna get a ride from Richie. But now Betty's gonna drive us and I was wondering if you wanted a ride we could probably swing out and get you." I tell him.

"Okay, thanks!" He says.

"What's Maria like anyways?" I question.

"Oh, she's sweet, and kind and the most beautiful person I've ever met. But she can kick your ass if needed." Mike tells me.

I chuckle," She sounds wonderful," I say.

"She is. You'll like her, and I'm sure Betty will like her too," Mike says, turning back to his work.

Somedays I felt bad for Mike with being an orphan and the only black kid in town. But he's such a nice guy that he's built himself a decent life. And now that the Bower's family are gone Mike has a lot fewer people troubling him. I hope Mike makes it out of this town, he deserves it. I think all of us Losers do. I mean, we basically saved it. 

I remember down in the sewers, how terrified we all were. Yet we all fought. Bill was the bravest though, having to deal with IT tormenting him with Georgie. Bill still hasn't gotten completely over it, though. He freezes up every time he sees a little kid wearing a yellow raincoat, and he can't stand to make paper boats anymore. We always try to take his mind off things though when the anniversary comes around. But this summer was harder. We were all so stressed with high school starting.

Richie, Bev and I went down to the quarry together. That's when Richie had his first cigarette. He pretended he was in grease, and slicked back his hair with water. Bev and I laughed at his awful impressions and splashed his face with water. I miss summer. How worry-free it is. And how I didn't have to deal with everyone's eyes on me. I actually wish the one summer where we all first met could just come back. Before my feelings for Richie, and before all this romance bullshit. Yeah, I mean the killer clown wasn't fun but other than that it was a pretty good summer.

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Hey there! I know there were some parallels in these past two chapters with suit shopping and then they fight and their friends giving them talks and stuff. And I should let you guys know the only reason these chapters come out regularly is that I went on a weekend writing spree and have a lot of chapters ready to be posted on the schedule. Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this week's chapter and stay tuned for more! Bye!