Chapter 53

"There is a stubbornness about me that never can bear to be frightened at the will of others. My courage always rises at every attempt to intimidate me."

Tommy's words washed over me as he read to me at my bedside, followed by others, words I had read before but never heard spoken aloud. I drifted in some state between sleeping and waking, finally aware of light beyond my eyelids, of life beyond my own mind.

Then something ice cold at the crook of my elbow, and things were dark again.

Shouting. Swearing.

Then nothing.

A hand on my own, Tommy's voice once more, reading a different book this time I didn't understand.

When my eyes finally flickered open, the world before me was a blur of mahogany. My eyelids were heavy, so heavy it physically hurt to keep them open. I became aware of thick silk sheets tucked around me. I cleared my throat — it was dry.

"Good morning."

My head turned to the voice, Tommy's voice. He was sat on an upholstered chair beside me. Eyes glittering in the rays of sun filtering through the thick window curtains. This wasn't the house in Small Heath — I didn't know whose house it was.

Everything came flooding back.

"Stay calm," he murmured, easily sensing my panic. "You made me promise I wouldn't let Ada give you any more barbiturates. I'll have no say in the matter if your heart rate goes through the roof."

I closed my eyes. Concentrated. Took deep breaths. "I never said that," I told him, my voice thick.

"The hospital nurses did warn me you might not remember things when sedated."

I opened my eyes once more. My hands flitted to my abdomen, wrapped in thick bandages. I ached.

"It's a shame," Tommy sighed. "You've been far more forthcoming with me in the past two days than in all the months we've known each other."

Oh no. My skin paled. What had I been saying?

"I've been here for two days?" I asked Tommy, wincing as I moved my arms.

"And two in the hospital before that," he answered.

Shit. "Does my father know?"

Tommy's jaw clenched. "It wasn't worth the risk."

I stared at him for a moment. "None of the Birmingham Boys know where I am? What happened?"

"They know you're recovering."

"You have to take me back." I pushed the covers off, tried to sit myself up. The movement felt like my abdominals were being ripped apart, sending spasms of pain through my body.

"Sit down, love." Tommy gently pushed me back into the bed, cradling me in his arms. His scent, so close and unexpected, shocked me enough that I complied. "I'm not having you angry with me again for letting Ada sedate you."

"You're bloody right I'm angry. My men are going to think I'm a traitor."

"Fuck what they think."

"Where are we?" I asked.

"Freddie and Ada's place," he answered.

"And I'm guessing you've already had to tell me what happened."

"Twice," he agreed. "But I'm nothing if not a patient man, Kimber."

I scowled. "Please don't strain yourself on my account."

Tommy considered me for a moment. "Is this how it's going to be between us?" he asked, lighting a cigarette. "And here I thought we'd done away with all this prickly nonsense."

I couldn't meet his gaze. Truthfully, I didn't know why I was angry — why I'd raised my guard so high with him once more. Perhaps I was angry with myself on some intrinsic level for opening up to him and not being able to remember any of it.

"I'm sorry," I said stiffly.

A rigidity returned to Tommy's shoulders, his jaw, before speaking. "Your father ordered three of Sabini's men killed last week. As a consequence, Sabini put a hit on you."

"My father's in prison. He's not ordering anyone."

"That doesn't seem to be the case," Tommy said quietly.

I shook my head. "Who told you that? Because they're lying."

He looked directly at me then with his piercing eyes. "The man who stabbed you did. Before I slit his throat." My blood cooled, and not in an unpleasant way. "I'd hoped to save him for you, but I lost my self-control. Sorry about that, Kimber."

"You killed him for me?" I whispered.

"My only regret," he said, stubbing out his cigarette in an ashtray, "is that I cannot resurrect him and do it again."

"How did you find him?" I asked.

"Michael." Tommy's bottom teeth were still slightly bared after he said the word.

A rush of memories came flooding back. "He was there," I remembered. "After..."

"The first time I told you about Michael, you laughed so hard you cried," Tommy said. "The second time, you threw a favourite vase of Ada's against the bookshelf. I cleaned up the pieces, but there's still a dent in the wood."

"What could you have to tell me about Michael that would make me violent?" I asked quietly.

"Before I say, I need your word that you won't kill him."

"I thought you wanted to kill him yourself."

"I'm not denying that I do, at times," he admitted. "But he's rather important to someone I admire. So your word please, Kimber."

I thought for a moment. Dread formed in the pit of my gut. "And if I don't give it?"

"Someone in my family will try to kill you, and so I'll have to kill them, and I'd rather not shed all that blood if I can help it."

"Fine," I agreed.

Tommy spoke slowly. "Michael is Polly's son." I froze. "We found him shortly after you left. He wanted to work for us. I'd been trying to keep tabs on you, to keep you safe. I already knew there was an Informant in your father's men, and I couldn't let anything happen to you. So we sent Michael to work for you. To keep you safe."

I could understand why I'd laughed the first time I heard this news. Anger and hysteria bubbled so intensely in my stomach that I didn't know how it would come out. Michael, who had always been so separate from the Shelby's. Michael, who had caused me sleepless nights, worried he would get hurt in all the crossfire. Michael who I had grown to trust. Who, with another year or two and without Thomas Shelby, I may have even grown to love.

"I'm going to kill him."

"Your word, Kimber," Tommy reminded me.

"Fine. Then I'll kill you." I pushed myself upright once more. I ignored the ripping, searing pain that came with it. I stood to my feet, and my legs gave out beneath me. I caught myself on the bedside table before I collapsed on the floor, gripped it with all my strength. It hurt my abdomen so badly tears prickled at my eyes, angering me further. The room span before me.

Tommy scooped me up and lifted me effortlessly back to my feet, sitting me on the edge of the bed. Stars sparked at the edges of my vision.

"I don't need your help!" I exploded. I punched his chest with my fists. "Why would you do that, Tommy? Why the fuck would you lie to me and betray me again?"

"I was trying to keep you safe," he said calmly, taking my hands in his own.

I shook with rage. "He told you about the guns, didn't he? He told you fucking everything."

"No, Kimber. Michael was never the informant. And he got more than a strum up for the fact he didn't tell us anything," Tommy said. "Half the Blinders are convinced he's in your pocket rather than ours. I think he fell for you. And I don't blame him. But he did uncover the real rat. The one who was leaking information. To us Blinders, to Sabini, to half the country."

"Do I even want to know?" I asked, closing my eyes. I gulped. "Who?"

"Your bodyguard."

My eyes opened in shock. "Grubs?"

"He's fled Birmingham. Michael saw him leave the Grand National moments before you were attacked. I can find him for you," Tommy said. "But I thought you might want to deal with him yourself. Much as I'd like to bury him."

"Everything that finally made me happy was a lie," I said quietly. "Another of your orchestrated lies."

"Kimber—"

"Don't Kimber me," I warned, so angry I trembled.

Tommy had the sense to pull away. I was sat on the edge of the bed, abdominal muscles aching and threatening to shake just from being upright. I was furious at my body for being so weak, at myself for landing in this position.

Grubs and Michael. The two people I thought I could count on in this world. The two I'd never thought to suspect.

"I never wanted to hurt you," Tommy murmured. "And then when you bled out... you gave me the fright of my life."

I clenched my teeth. "You're a liar and you're being dramatic."

"You lost blood from a major artery. Went into shock. Almost died on the operating table." His voice lowered. "When you went into that room, I didn't know if you'd ever come out."

"I'm starting to think I should have just bled out," I said. "Rather than have to deal with any of this."

"I can understand if you're angry with me," Tommy said. "And I'm sorry. I'm sorry for fucking everything. Alright? I should have told you about Grace and the Inspector. I shouldn't have lied about my feelings for you being real."

I closed my eyes. I couldn't hear this. I was angry with him, I intended to stay angry with him. "Thomas," I whispered.

"I should have let you see your father. And I shouldn't have told you I didn't care about you. Because I care very much." He leaned in closer, his arms resting on the bed either side of where I sat. He encircled me, his heat inescapable. "I'd do anything for you, Kimber. I'll give you the guns. I'll sign over my entire share of the business. I'll stay in each night like a good husband." He ran his lips across my jaw as he spoke. "I'll do anything you ask. I'll take care of you."

Tears welled in my eyes and I had to squeeze them shut. "Tom..."

"I love you," he said quietly into my ear. "I've always loved you. From the moment you whipped my brother's face in that tack barn, I think I knew you were the only one for me."

My stomach flipped. "Why didn't you tell me sooner?"

He moved so that our lips were only inches apart. "Because you make me so fucking weak," he murmured. "You terrify me. The only thing that scares me more than how I feel, is the thought of losing you. And I almost did."

"You've lied to me so many times," I said quietly. "I don't know if I can forgive you. Especially for Michael."

He ran his fingers along my jaw. "Only ever wanted to keep you safe."

"Have you told me this before?" I whispered against his mouth. "When I woke up?"

"I didn't need to," he said. "When you're sedated, when your conscious mind is at rest... Sweetheart, you already knew."

He pressed his lips to mine. The softest groan escaped his mouth, and I became instantly dizzy. I'd forgotten just how sweet he tasted, how his tongue felt resting softly against my teeth. I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him closer, tensing a little at the pain in my abdomen, soothed as he rested his hands gently at my waist. I loved him. I loved him more than breathing.

"I have to go," I whispered between kissing him. "You have to take me back."

"You could stay here," he murmured. "You could marry me."

"I'd find another blade in me if I did that. One of my own men, this time."

He chuckled as he kissed me. "They wouldn't dare."

I held his face in my hands. I pulled away. "And I still haven't forgiven you," I warned him. "Don't think it'll be that easy."

"I have some other ideas to make it up to you," he said. His eyes flashed. "But you need to heal up first."

"You expect me to rest and heal up when you never did after you were shot?" I asked.

"That was different. I had you in my bed beside me."

I flushed pink. "I have a new level of sympathy for you. Knowing you were this sore and still... doing things."

"Barely a puncture wound," he said, linking his fingers through my own. "Remember?"

My eyes lit up. "Then... we can...?"

"No, Kimber." He brought my hand to his lips and kissed. "You're far more precious than I am."

I sighed, closing my eyes, allowing the moment to linger. I wanted to stay here with him so badly. But the longer I was away, the more suspicious my father's men would become. And I needed to find out what the hell my father was playing at. I needed to speak to Michael — preferably involving grievous bodily harm. I needed to find Grubs.

And I needed to kill Sabini.

"You're really going to leave and break my heart, aren't you?" Tommy said, voice low.

"We'll still see each other at races," I told him.

"You still enjoy losing, then."

I pushed Tommy's shoulder playfully. It sent a twinge of pain across my body, but was worth it for his smile, a genuine grin, straight teeth and creases at the corners of his eyes. His eyes flickered to my own and they were heavy, brimming with emotion that he had always kept so locked away. With him like this, I melted. With him like this, it felt impossible to ever leave.

"I'll come back for you," I murmured.

A strange emotional surge gripped at my throat. It felt like a goodbye. I had been in so much pain the last time I left Tommy, I thought I might never recover. How could I go through it again?

"I'm counting on it, Kimber."

And as our lips brushed once more, I realised.

He was mine. I was his. Whatever else happened, we would find our way back to each other.

Whatever else happened, he loved me. He had always loved me.

It gave me the strength to leave.