Fragile Hearts

It took three whole days before Florence went back to Ginny's flat. Three days of marching around her own flat, pondering about what to do with this situation, biting her nails until her fingers bled and crying in the shower with a bottle of vodka.

Three days of dealing with a shattering heart.

Was their love strong enough to work through this? Florence was starting to doubt it and she never had before. It was just the way Ginny had begged her to leave in the kitchen and the anger that was present in her voice when she had said it that cut into her heart and left a right scar. 

Loving Ginny was thrilling. It was blissful, easy, calm, fiery, adventurous, exciting, lovely, comfortable, passionate. Overall, it was beautiful.

But Florence knew that the most beautiful beings have the power to destroy your heart completely.

They couldn't avoid each other forever so one evening, three days after Ginny's birthday, Florence apparated over. Her fist lingered in the air in front of the door. A million thoughts were racing through her head and some of them were stopping her from knocking. 

Ginny meant everything to her. Florence would go through hell and back for her. She would fight off thousands of Dark Wizards just to ensure Ginny's safety. She would do anything for Ginny. Anything but continue to hide.

It was tiring, it was dreadful and it was depressing. Ginny's birthday had made all to clear to Florence that she was not planning on telling her family about their relationship. Florence didn't want to be disrespectful and force Ginny to do something she wasn't comfortable with, but she couldn't be someone's secret anymore.

Being with their friends was fine, being with their colleagues was fine, being with anyone but Ginny's family was fine. In those moments, Florence couldn't feel happier. In the moments alone with Ginny, the real Ginny, Florence could not stop thanking the most powerful wizards and witches that have ever existed for blessing her with Ginny's love.

But the second someone mentioned Ginny's family or whenever they came around, Ginny froze. Ginny, Florence's Ginny, faded and a frustrated, angry, scared woman took over instead. Someone who would beg Florence to leave and accuse her of outing Ginny.

It was too much to bear.

She knocked softly. For a split second, everything was fine. As Ginny opened the door, gorgeous red hair, eyes that Florence would sink into every time again, gentle, yet sharp, features, freckles specked all over her pale skin. Ginny was beautiful.

But that feeling of peace faded just as quickly as it had come.

"Hi," Ginny said, the corner of her mouth twitching, but not turning into a smile. Florence was sure that she was not getting a genuine Ginny smile today.

"Hi," Florence replied. The tension was so tight between them that Florence's muscles tensed up within the matter of a second. Ginny stepped aside to let her in and Florence did so. The flat that once made her feel so cosy and at home now felt cold and unfamiliar.

"So," they both said at the same time. For a few seconds they cracked a smile but their eyes didn't smile with their lips. Ginny's bottom lip was red and chewed up and Florence knew she had been just as distraught as she had been.

"How erm... How are you?" Florence asked, sitting down on the couch. Ginny sat down next to her, but not as close as she usually did. Ginny looked at her, frowning a little. "Sorry. I know the answer." 

"It's fine. I find this awkward too," Ginny confessed. "I just... I don't know where to start. I... I'm sorry for what I said but you were getting involved in deeper conversations and pretending like you're part of the family and then you blurted out you're a lesbian and-"

"And nobody cared about it," Florence said in a whisper. Ginny's words stung, again. She took a deep breath and bit the inside of her cheek.

"They barely know you so of course not," Ginny excused. "You need to stop being upset about me not being ready." And just like that, the fire was lit inside them and they started raging.

"I'm not upset about you not being ready I'm upset about having to lie and hide again!" Florence said.

"So you decide to go on a date with someone else?" Ginny asked, raising her eyebrows. Florence inhaled sharply through her nose, her jaw tightening.

"Well, if I can't go out with my girlfriend, why the fuck not?" she said. Ginny's nose scrunched up. They were pushing each other's buttons. "Besides, I wasn't the one drooling over my ex all afternoon."

"Merlin! How immature are you!?" Ginny shouted. Florence's eyes widened and her lips parted slightly. Immature? Crack, another shatter in her fragile heart.

"Immature!?"

"Harry's a friend. He's family-"

"Oh! Yes of course he is family!"

"And I have no interest in being with him again! I dumped him! I'm gay for Godrick's sake!"

"I know you're gay. You're gay until they show up! After that, I'm nothing but your filthy little secret! And you were drooling over him all afternoon! Laughing too loudly at his jokes, rubbing his arm, leaning in close," Florence noted. It was true, Ginny had been acting rather flirtatious.

"Only to convince my family we aren't a thing," Ginny huffed. We aren't a thing, the words rang through her mind. Crack, and another shatter in her fragile heart.

"Oh, because you blurting out I'm your friend didn't do enough!? No one suspected a thing! Your brothers thought Charlie could ask me out on a date for fuck's sake!" Florence stood up from the couch, crossing her arms in front of her stomach.

"You don't understand. I don't think you ever will," Ginny said, scowling at her.

Florence scoffed. "No, you're right. I condone to society's heteronormative, cis, white-dominated standards, you're right! I don't understand what the fear of not knowing how people may react to you deriving from that standard is like."

"That's not what I mean-"

"Then what do you mean!?"

"I mean that you don't know what it's like to have such a big thing to lose! Your family sucked! My family is tighter than any family I've ever met," Ginny said. Crack, and another one. Florence shook her head.

"My family didn't always suck. I loved them and they loved me," she told Ginny.

"Not enough apparently." Ouch. Florence pushed her nails into her arms. Crack, crack, crack, crack, crack. Her heart shattered as Ginny said that without an ounce of sympathy, without a flash of regret or compunction.

"How- How can you bring that up? How can you say that?" Florence's voice broke and with that Ginny's angry demeanour. Her eyes went wide as she realised what she had just said. "You know what? I can't do this anymore. I can't keep arguing about this, I can't keep fighting about this."

"No, Flo, I'm-"

"It fucking hurts, Ginny," Florence breathed out, tugging on the end of one of her braids. "It fucking hurts, Ginny! I'm done being your secret! I'm done with you forcing me back into the fucking closet!"

"I'm done losing myself over you. I'm done feeling scared and insecure again. I'm done feeling afraid of myself again. I'm done feeling not like myself again. I don't want to be ashamed of who I am, who I like anymore. I don't want to be forced to hate myself over that again,"

"It took me so long to accept myself and this - your behaviour - it brings it all back," her voice broke and tears started pouring down her cheeks. "I don't want to go back to that dark place, Ginny. I would do anything for you but not that. I can't go back. I can't,"

"I get it. You aren't ready but... I just can't deal with it anymore. I'm sorry. It's been over a year and I love you to death and I most likely will never stop. I know I won't ever get over you because loving you is my favourite thing to do. It's a privilege to be able to love you, but I just can't,"

"I'm so tired, Ginny. I'm so tired and I just... I don't have the energy to deal with it anymore," she said, a sob choking up her words. "I love you but... sometimes it feels like you don't even know me anymore because you don't even know yourself."

"I do- I do know you," Ginny said. She was crying too, though her tears fell in silence as she was trying her hardest to keep part of her emotions covered up. She wanted to scream at Florence, beg her to stop talking, beg her to just kiss her and make sweet love to her all night on the couch, in their bed, in the shower and on every other surface in the flat. But she let Florence talk, unable to go against it.

"I know that your favourite dish is pizza but you feel that it's too plain to tell people so you say it's curry or vegan quiches. I know you frown your eyebrows together when you're thinking too hard. I know that when you have a headache, it helps to put a hot towel on your neck and a cold cloth on your forehead,"

"I know that you don't have a favourite colour because you can't choose. You like that kind of pink that is between fuchsia and red. And also baby pink and old pink shades, but those that come from that red-pink colour, not fuchsia. And you like yellow, but only mustard or a really light yellow that is almost white. And you only like one shade of green, emerald, though sage green is growing on you too. And you like navy and royal blue because it reminds you of Ravenclaw,"

"I know that you love your job so much that you overwork yourself to the point where i will have to force you to take a day off or you might collapse. I know that you want to sell your artworks and become an independent artist and make a living off of your art alone and I know you will be able to achieve that,"

"I know that you love tracing my body with your fingertips because it calms you down. I know you giggle when I give you a kiss right below your ear because somehow it's ticklish. I know you prefer linking pinkies than fully holding hands because you're afraid they might get sweaty but I couldn't care less about that,"

"I know that-"

"Stop," Florence said, sniffling. "Stop."

"Flo, please don't," Ginny begged, her bottom lip trembling.

"I'm sorry," Florence sobbed. "But I really can't. I just- I can't, Ginny. I can't. I'm sorry. It's too much. It's too hard. It's too- No. I can't do it anymore. I can't be your secret anymore. I-" Ginny walked closer to her and Florence didn't move.

Ginny's arms slid around her and Florence held her too, resting her head against Ginny's shoulder. They were both crying hard, clutching onto each other's clothes. Their lips found their way back to each other, tears still rolling.

Their clothes landed on the floor, leaving a trail from the living room into the bedroom where their bodies laid entangled on the bed. They were both touching every inch of each other's bodies. They kissed each other, touched each other with a gentleness and at the same time a need that was rough, trying to get as much out of each other as they possibly could.

For hours, they touched, kissed, stroked and caressed each other. They loved as if it was the last time they would be able to, which it genuinely felt like. Neither of them spoke apart from the encouraging words in their acts. For one more night, they were just Ginny and Florence, loving and adoring each other with passion.

One last night.

Florence left around four in the morning, exhausted, sore and utterly devastated. She crawled under the covers of her own, cold bed, pulling the covers up to her chin. She stared at the blue wall facing her, eyes tired but unable to go to sleep.

She had lost the love of her life and she didn't know how she would ever get over that.

Her stomach was empty, her mind full of thoughts. She felt numb. She felt like she was floating somewhere in the universe as if she had left her body. She felt distraught, lost, and so so heartbroken.

After hours when the sun had risen again, Padma showed up. Padma crawled into the bed with her and wrapped her arms tightly around Florence. The waterworks began again and she curled up into a little ball as her best friend held her, letting her sob and cry and whimper.

"I'm so sorry," Padma whispered. Florence wrapped her arms around her own stomach tightly. "You deserve so much better. You deserve to be shown off, pranced around like the golden girl you are."

"I hate this," Florence whimpered. She choked on a sob and gasped for air. "I hate this because I love her. I want to hate her, I want to be angry, but I can't be. I can't be because I love her so much. I love her so much it hurts."

"I know," Padma whispered. "And it's going to be hard, maybe for a little while. But you will find love again. You will find someone who loves you unconditionally and who you get to love unconditionally. Who isn't afraid of holding your hand in public or about people finding out. Who would be honoured to shout it from the rooftops that they are dating Florence Patil."

Florence let out a soft chuckle that got mixed with a sob. "Patil."

"Yes, you're a Patil. I thought we determined that years ago?" Padma teased. Florence knew she was trying to cheer her up but she couldn't force another chuckle or smile. Padma kissed her forehead and gently stroked her back.

"I wish she wasn't so afraid," Florence whispered. "Not just for my sake but for her own, obviously. It sucks to live with that fear but... I just can't and I feel horribly selfish for breaking up with her over that but-"

"I understand, Flo. You were falling down that dark pit yourself again and no one is worth that," Padma whispered. She is, Florence thought, Ginny is worth everything.

Instant regret fell over her but after hours of begging Padma to let her go see Ginny or at least write to her, she gave up.

"I won't let you go back to her right away, Flo. Ginny has some stuff to figure out before she can take on a serious relationship. She's so close to her family, she can't hide her partner away forever. But she needs to figure that out, not you. You need to move on and find someone who cherishes you," Padma said sternly, pouring them both a cup of tea.

"Ginny cherished me," Florence whispered.

"Yes, until her family showed up. How many times have you had to hurry away because her family showed up? How many times have you had to sleep alone because she was with them and you weren't invited? How many times have you felt so sad to the point that you get nauseous because she was hiding you away so easily? Pretending you're nothing to her with ease?"

Florence curled up on the couch, hugging a throw pillow tightly to her chest. "Clear," she whispered, afraid she might start crying again. It was around noon but Florence wasn't hungry. She still felt a pit in her empty stomach and a heavy feeling pressed on her chest. She wished it was a nightmare, but she still hadn't woken up.

 Padma made her some toast but Florence let it be for what it was. "I will let you cry and whine and sob and scream and whatever you need to do for a few days but then we're going to get back up, back to work, back to our lives and you're going to move on. You can move on."

"I'm just tired, Padma. I feel so... so used. I was the lesbian that questioning straight girls used to experiment with only for them to tell me they are in fact straight after four snog and shag sessions. I'm the person people insecure with their sexuality use to feel better about themselves. I'm the person Ginny used to be in love with but refused to introduce to her family because she isn't out to them."

"I'm so sorry, love," Padma sighed, squeezing her hand. "But someone will come who will love you so hard and openly and you will be so so happy." Florence wasn't sure about that, but she kept her mouth shut.

She had gotten hurt so many times. Used so many times. She wasn't sure if she ever wanted to give her fragile heart away again.

And Florence loved to love. She loved giving, she loved making people happy and she loved loving people. But she was tired of not getting it in return, she was tired of not being loved properly.

She was certain that her fragile heart could not bear much more.