ch. 62

"i feel cold on the inside, but your warmth warms me up."

-i.l.y

you coward.

san spares a glance at the girl who is a few seats away from him before bringing his gaze back to the surface of the table.

it has been a few minutes since his friends have left him behind with eunbi, and he still has not been able to muster enough courage to speak a word to her. his leg keeps bouncing up and down as his teeth slowly sinks into his bottom lip, anxious thoughts filling his empty head.

move dammit, his inner-self scolds. it's not that hard to grab the seat next to her and start a conversation.

he shakes his head at the thought.

no.

he just can't.

he cannot just stride up to her with a smile and pretend that nothing happened between them. there are so many things that went wrong between them, and building up from those misunderstandings would be impossible to accomplish.

their relationship is like a withering flower with no hope of reviving its beauty.

she is better off without me, he tells himself. all i have given her is suffering.

he can not imagine all the pain that she endured because of him...

yet he still wants to fix their relationship, start from scratch if they have to.

he misses all those times at the school's garden, sitting at their special bench with their lunches on their laps. the sound of their laughter echoing in the green brought happiness to him as the taste of her cooking forever lingered in his mouth. to feel her head rest on his shoulder while they sit in a comfortable silence made his heart pound against his chest.

why...

why did he mess everything up for them?

why did he insult her like that when he could have asked her to clarify the situation between her and yeosang?

why did he stand there and watch her walk away when he could have stopped her and apologized to her?

why did he try to move on with another girl when she was the only one for him?

why did he let his pride and his jealousy ruin everything?

if only he had enough courage to man up to his mistakes.

but even if he did, would she forgive him after all the nights she spent crying to sleep?

would she forgive him after all the frowns that pulled on her lips whenever she saw him?

would she forgive him after all the unseen tears that she shed because of him?

would she forgive him after all the pain that he has given her?

would she forgive him after all the things he has done to her?

taking a small moment to collect himself, he finally lifts his head up and takes a deep breath before standing up hesitantly. although his legs are shaking, he takes one step forward with hands trembling in fists.

he is going to stop being the coward he is and own up to his mistakes.

he takes another step.

he is going to be the one to be there for her, just like she was with him.

he takes another step.

he is going to take the chance, even if everything turns out back at the end.

but just before he can take another step, someone manages to make it to eunbi before him.

"bi-bi!"

the girl perks her ears at the sound of the familiar name and looks toward the person who called out to her. a small smile spreads on her lips and she stands up with her arms open, embracing the figure when they reach her.

"what are you doing here, yunho?" she asks as they pull away from one another. "i thought you left with the rest of the group?"

he sheepishly rubs the back of his neck, a slight blush arising to his cheeks. "i felt bad for leaving you behind, so i thought maybe i can give you a ride back home. i asked your brother and he said that he was fine with it."

for a second, the light brunette makes eye contact with san before returning his gaze back to eunbi. he ushers her to sit down as he takes the seat in front of him, noticing that she was practicing her song as time passed by. he gave her some more time to practice, smiling fondly at his childhood best friend while she grabs the paper in front of her and sings quietly. once in a while, he compliments her, only to receive a humble response from eunbi as her lips itch to curve into a grin.

san goes back to his original seat, sinking himself back into his chair. a frustrated sigh leaves his mouth and his hands make their way to his face. he can feel himself breaking down, little by little.

yunho knows...

and he's not going to back down.

maybe i should just give up, the black-haired male suggests. he's a better match for her anyways.

he reluctantly decides to pack his things and begin his way home, as it looks like he will ever have the courage to talk to the girl. tears threaten to fall from his eyes and a frown displays on his lips while he slowly starts his way to exit the building with a heavy heart.

if only had a little,

just this much,

if he had the courage to stand before her...

his thoughts come to a halt when he feels a gentle tug at the end of his jacket.

"yunho, wait up! we can't let san walk back to the dorms this late at night, it's freezing cold today."

san tenses up at the familiar voice, stiffly moving his head to the side to see eunbi holding onto him as she continues to talk to yunho from afar. she looks over to the black-haired and tilts her head cutely with a small smile.

there is absolutely no way.

he must be hallucinating.

still taken back by the sudden contact, san manages to do a little head bow and quietly thank her. looking up, he sees yunho shooting him a glare before heading out first to start the car.

that leaves him with eunbi.

as the awkward pair they are, they walk beside one another without saying a word. no one knows what to say, or what to do to break the silence between them. the sound of their shoes making contact with the concrete sidewalk and the sound of their breaths are the only things they listen to as they avert their focus away from one another.

san would glance at the girl once in a while, wondering about the thoughts that she is having at this moment.

i wonder if we are sharing the same thoughts, he ponders.

then, his eyes land on her hand.

he notices the red hues on the surface of her knuckles as eunbi swings her arm while she walks. she has one hand in the pocket of her jacket, but the other one is hanging loosely in the cold.

instinctively, he lends a hand to her.

"eunbi," san says. "give me your hand, it's going to freeze in this cold."

she looks at him with widened eyes, shaking her head at him. "it's okay, my hand isn't cold."

ignoring her decline, he gently grabs her hand and puts it into his jacket pocket. his hand overlaps hers as the heat from his body warms up her hand, and he can feel the electric shock travel up his arm from just a touch of her skin.

once again, they walk in silence.

the both of them cannot tell if it is because of each other's touch or the freezing cold, they can feel their faces warming up. nevertheless, they keep their hands together for warmth and take the time to take in each other's presence.

when they are a few feet away from yunho's car, eunbi subtly pulls her hand away from his pocket. stopping for a bit, she looks over to him and shows him a shy smile.

"thank you, san."

and she leaves to enter the vehicle first, san putting a hand over his chest to feel his heart pounding against his ribcage. It races at the sound of her voice saying his name, at the touch of her hand.

and from that moment, he decides that he will not give up on her.