ch. 8

"even if i close my eyes, i can feel it."

-aurora

"this is so good!"

san scoops another pile of rice onto the chopsticks and places it into his mouth.

eunbi playfully rolls her eyes, stifling her happiness from his comment with her neutral expression. "you're lucky i had leftovers or else you would be starving."

currently, the two are sitting on a bench in the courtyard after the girl successfully pulled her friend out of his uncomfortable situation. the garden's scent relaxes their muscles after escaping the suffocating cafeteria while the pair admire the vibrant colors in front of them. the gentle breeze brushes through their hair as the flowers entertain them with their graceful dancing, their swaying fill the silence between them.

"thank you for noticing me there," san says full of gratitude. "i've been hoping for someone to pull me out there for some time."

she nods in acknowledgement. "don't thank me, i'm just an observant person."

with their surface-level friendship, awkward silence quickly seeps into their conversation as one has their curiosity building up within them.

"yeosang told me that you and wooyoung hang out at that table every lunch," the girl speaks up, catching the boy's attention within seconds. "not that i'm against it, but why do you spend your time there? it may not be noticeable to some, but it seems like you're forcing yourself to be there."

he pauses his eating for a minute before plopping the last roll of egg into his mouth. the chopsticks almost fall off of the lunchbox due to his shaking hands. fiddling with his fingers, he debates whether he should tell her or not.

"because wooyoung is my best friend?"

she scoffs. "that may work on other people, but that won't work on me."

"but you don't have to tell if you're not ready," she adds, noticing his nervous behavior. "i understand if you don't want to talk about it."

looking at her wristwatch, she checks the time before reaching over to san for her lunchbox. she puts her chopstick inside her box and shoves it into her backpack, getting ready to head to class in a few minutes.

however, before she stands up from the bench, a hand holds onto her wrist.

"can you stay a little longer?" san whispers. "just until lunch is over?"

eunbi is slightly surprised at the sudden contact, but obliges to his request and settles herself back down on the bench. she clasps her hand with his as a sign of comfort as she waits for him to begin talking, caressing his thumb with hers.

the boy with red highlights in his hair takes a deep breath, mentally preparing himself, and lets his mouth spill everything.

"i have low self-esteem," he explains softly. "i feel like i'm not good enough for everyone, and i fear that someday i will not be loved by others. because of that, i seek attention. if i can't love myself, at least i have someone else to shower me with the love i don't have."

he feels something wet land on his sweatpants from the sky.

"i hang out at that table, so i can feel like i'm enough. the way they look at me, the way they touch me... i know the girls there don't love me like how i want them to- that's why i feel uncomfortable with them. but their attention is enough for me to feel like i'm worth it. i can live another day knowing that people like me."

then he realizes that...

he is crying.

he feels a soft piece of clothing touching his face and he glances over to see eunbi wiping his tears with a light blue handkerchief. her glassy eyes never leave his face to make sure she removed all the tear stains.

who would know that a happy person like him could hide so much negativity.

"i know how you feel," she speaks up, avoiding eye contact with her friend. "the feeling of not being good enough, the feeling of not loving yourself..."

san feels her grip on his hand tighten as she allows herself to continue rambling.

"i fell in love with a friend of mine when i was in middle school. although we lived in two different cities, we made time to visit each other since our families are close. we were each other's everything, the other half to each other, a match made in heaven."

she sniffles.

"but one day he met my friend from school and everything changed. he started acting differently whenever she was around and before i knew it..."

she takes in a shaky breath.

"he fell in love. and eventually, she did too."

unexpectedly, eunbi breaks down into tears as she covers her face with her hands. san instinctively wraps his arms around the petite girl and rubs her back in a consoling manner as he rocks her like a baby.

"what was i doing wrong?" she cries to him. "did she have something that i didn't have? was i just not good enough for him?"

he is speechless, absolutely speechless.

he never knew that the girl beside him could be hiding all her pain behind her loving yet sassy attitude.

and for some reason, he begins crying into her shoulder.

for once, the both of them have someone they can talk to.

for once, the both of them can feel their negative emotions leave their bodies.

for once...

the both of them can feel love from one another at the moment.

love is such a bitch.