Hurt

"What have I become, my sweetest friend? Everyone I know goes away in the end." ~Hurt - Johnny Cash/NIN   

Trigger Warning: Drug abuse

Dear Charli,

Life has been absolutely manic in the last 2 years! It's been too long since I've heard from you, I hope someday you see these letters and know I never stopped caring for you.

John's little one is more adorable every day. I wish you could see him!

I think Johnny is still a bit baffled he's a father.

I wish you could see the insanity that follows us! We can't go anywhere now without being recognised.

I know I've talked about it non-stop and you're probably sick of hearing about the band, but...we may be coming to the US next year! I'll see if I can pull some strings to figure out a way to find you!!

Hope you have a very Happy Crimble and a Merry New Year!

Yours always,

JPM

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New York, late December 1963

Charli sat on the floor of a small dingy room, she took off her jacket. There was a large magpie tattoo that covered most of her upper left arm, its wings spread wide and feathers drifting down her arm, just beneath the tattoo were a series of cuts on her forearm that had been made after she returned home from Christmas with her family.

She tied a rubber tube around her arm and tapped the veins almost angrily.

"Relax, Charli.." Eddie said as he held a spoon over a small flame "It's almost ready"

"Ugh..fuckin' hurry it up," she said, "after the Christmas I had, I'm ready to sleep through the New Year.."

"How are my favourite customers tonight?" an older man with scraggly hair and an unkempt beard asked, staring at Charli a bit longer than necessary.

"Fine..." Charli said tying the tubing tighter.

"Need a needle Charli?" he grinned revealing a yellowed, toothy smile. She knew he "owned" the house, she knew he provided what she needed, but she always felt uneasy when he was around.

"I'm fine, Max. I have my own," she said trying to make him go away. Eventually, he left them alone to go to another room in the house.

"Alright, ready" Eddie said. Charli eagerly unpacked a case she kept her needles in and filled a syringe with the sickly brown liquid as Eddie did the same.

Without much hesitation, she plunged the drug into her veins.

"New Year's Eve, Charli," Eddie said as he prepared himself to do the same, "I say...we stop making this a habit in the New Year"

"Sure..." she said unconvincingly "But tonight, let me enjoy it"

****

1964

Nearly 3 years had passed, Eddie and Charli moved to New York in the late autumn of 1961. There had been a moon landing, which Charli had missed, there were parts she remembered, the rest was a distant memory as she'd been deep in a drug-induced haze. She'd also started seeing the deep-seated racism in American culture and had been glued to the small set in her and Eddie's apartment when a man known as Martin Luther King spoke of having a dream. They'd both been terrified during the Cuban Missile Crisis, the growing tensions in Vietnam and were devastated when the president, John F. Kennedy was assassinated.

In her own world, she and Eddie grew a stronger friendship, he was finally able to be himself since they graduated and moved. He recently had gone through a rather tumultuous relationship with an older man which Charli helped him rebuild himself after it ended.

She hadn't had any serious relationships, a few one-night stands but overall, she wasn't interested in anyone or anything, except the drugs she was slowly losing herself to and alcohol.

She still worked tirelessly on her artwork but hadn't sold anything except a small piece during an art fair, to ensure they made rent she worked at a small art shop near the Parsons School of Design while Eddie worked in a grocery shop.

Meanwhile, life for Paul was busier and more insane than he could have ever imagined. Dot and Paul broke up, she'd had a miscarriage and things died out shortly after, but it seemed like a distant memory to him now. Shortly after their return from Hamburg, The Beatles began regular performances at The Cavern Club. Word of their music spread like wildfire and soon they were performing throughout the UK, signed a contract with a new manager, hired a new drummer, began recording albums and become the biggest thing anyone had ever seen in years. Beatlemania had taken over the UK and was about to take the US by storm.

"In just under 2 weeks lads, we'll be in the US!" John said excitedly.

"Yes, John," Brian said as he straightened his tie "Boys, make sure you're on your best behaviour while we're in America...and up until then"

"Yes, Sir!" John said with a salute. Brian shook his head at Lennon's antics. His life had changed drastically that lunchtime show at the Cavern.

Paul was diligently writing and smoking a cigarette. He had been ecstatic at the news they would be traveling to America for more reasons than the rest of the band.

"Writing to Charli?" George asked as he sat on the couch next to Paul. Paul jumped at the sudden company.

"Oh..um..yeah.." Paul said as he blushed slightly.

"Mate," George said "We've been friends for years...I don't care if ya' write her, I always liked Charli."

"Yeah, I know...I'm not sure why John has gotten so bitter about her" Paul shrugged.

"John's worried you'll get hurt, the git looks after ya' like a nurse," George said matter of factly "I'm under the notion, yer a grown lad. Make yer own choices....just tell her I say 'hullo'"

Paul smirked before writing to let Charli know, George was thinking of her too.

New York, 7th of February, 1964

Charli finished restocking supplies throughout the small art store she'd worked in for nearly a year, it was nearly closing time just as she thought about her plans after work of grabbing a small meal from the Chinese restaurant near her flat, unless Eddie had cooked something, and working on a new piece the bell above the door rang signalling a customer had entered. She groaned slightly hoping whoever it was wouldn't take up too much time.

"Charli," a voice from the back of the shop called "Can you help them please?"

"Yeah, no worry" she called back to her boss. Charli turned to see a young lady, perhaps slightly older than herself was looking through the sculpting supplies.

"Anything I can help ya's with?" Charli asked amiably. The young woman stood, she was tall and muscular but had a warm smile. The thing that stood out most was her strikingly blond hair, it was nearly white and reminded Charli of the sun.

"Aren't you adorable?" she laughed "Where's that accent from?"

"Liverpool," Charli said. She noticed there were bruises on the woman's arms. She felt the hair on the back of her neck prick as she remembered growing up with her parents and the memories of her recent Christmas visit came rushing back. She suddenly felt very concerned for this stranger.

"I'm sorry to ask," Charli said "But are you ok? I mean...your bruises...if ya' need somewhere ta' go.."

Suddenly the woman laughed.

"I must look terrible!" she said "I'm fine, just circus injuries"

"Circus injuries?" Charli asked confused.

"Yeah...I run a school for circus arts, aerial arts...silks, lyra, even trapeze" she explained "Sometimes the apparatuses bite back"

Charli still seemed confused and was a little embarrassed she had asked anything.

"Its okay hun, I get concerns all the time" she explained "You should give it a try sometime. My name is Helen, if you're interested, get in touch"

She passed Charli a small business card before purchasing some clay and supplies and leaving the store.

Charli turned the card over in her hand a few times before pocketing it.

"Thanks for closing up tonight Charli," A middle-aged woman said as she locked the door.

"It's no trouble Tania," Charli smiled as she put on her coat.

"What are your plans for the night?" Tania asked as they walked together.

"Oh nothing much, I've got a new piece I'm working on...never enough hours in the day" Charli laughed.

"How would you like more time to work on your art?" Tania asked as she hailed a taxi.

"I'd love it...but I need money to live," Charli sighed "And the art isn't selling."

"It will," Tania smiled "Listen, Charli..I'm closing the shop for the next couple days. It's going to be absolute madness with this band that's come in."

"You really think it'll come this far?" Charli asked. She had only heard some of the art students mention they were heading to the airport to see a band that had arrived from England, she hadn't thought much about it. She hadn't paid much attention to new music in recent years, nor had she cared.

"Maybe...confidentially, I want to see what all the fuss is about" Tania laughed. "Rest up, and I'll see you in 2 days"

"Eddie!" Charli called as she entered the small apartment they shared "I'm home, guess who has 2 days off?"

"Charli!" she heard Eddie's voice from his room, soon he was in the small living area of their flat. "Sorry chica, I didn't get any food."

"I bought Chinese" Charli grinned.

Charli laid out a feast of ramen, chow mein, and dumplings on the small table in the shared kitchen.

"Guess who's been clean for just over a month?" Eddie grinned.

"Hmmm...the pope?" Charli teased. They both laughed. "I know..as of the 1st of Jan, I haven't shot up once...seems a bit silly to celebrate really..."

"Hey, with how often you were using, I'd say it's a big deal," Eddie said.

"Here's hoping I keep off it, ay?" Charli said. Eddie smiled at her, he hadn't used as much as she had in the past few years and he was growing worried about her. For a while she was using as much as 3-4 times a week. She'd grown thin and had some close calls recently.

"You will," Eddie said, "What do ya' say, we head into Manhattan for a day of fun and shopping tomorrow?"

"I don't think so...anything fashionable looks terrible on me right now," Charli said nervously "which is anything you seem to pick out for me"

Eddie gave her big sad eyes and pouted his lip at her.

"Yer not goin' ta' let me say 'no' are you?" Charli groaned.

"What a day lads!" Paul said excitedly as he looked out the window of the Plaza hotel room, they shared. John poured himself a drink as Ringo sprawled on the couch, exhausted from the day. They were in disbelief at the welcome they received from America. George sat in another chair looking worse for the ware.

"Rest up boys," Brian said "We have a busy day tomorrow. First, we have a press conference in the morning, then a photo opportunity at central park and rehearsal for the Ed Sullivan show"

"Geo," Ringo said, "Are ya' feeling any better?"

George shook his head. "Think I'm turning in lads," he said "Hope me throat is better in the morning"

Brian looked worried as he watched George slowly make his way to his bedroom, he had to be better, they had the biggest performance of their lives in just 2 days!

The next day, after their first American press conference, John, Paul, and Ringo along with their roadie Mal and road manager Neil went to Central Park for photo opportunities and to give the lads a chance to see New York. They were followed by around 400 fans.

"Charli, hush!" Eddie laughed as they walked through Central Park "You looked amazing in that top!"

"Yeah?" she said, "I think yer just saying that to make me feel better"

As they walked on they saw a mass of people gathered, mostly female.

"What do ya' suppose that's all about?" Charli asked as they walked along a path through the park.

"I think its to do with that English band," Eddie said standing on his toes to try and see "Think you know them?"

Charli tried peering at the chaos, but couldn't see past the crowd before answering Eddie.

"England is bigger than you think, mate" She laughed. "Doubtful."

As they walked further, she caught a glimpse of the band briefly, she thought maybe, just maybe...she recognised one from her past but quickly dismissed it and laughed at something Eddie had said.

Paul, John, and Ringo posed for various photos and enjoyed the sights of New York.

"Fuck me," John said under his breath "Just like home...bloody can't go anywhere without being followed"

"John, we're in America" Paul whispered as another photo was taken "Enjoy it!"

"Enjoy it?" Ringo said happily "I LOVE it!"

Both John and Paul laughed at Ringo's enthusiasm, just as Paul turned his head to flick his hair back into place he caught a glimpse of a girl walking along a path, all he could see was red hair, his eyes went wide. It can't be... He thought. She looked thin, dangerously thin, just then he saw her face, he went pale realising it had to be her.

"John!" he said excitedly grabbing his arm.

"Christ la'," John said "Calm yerslf"

"It's her!" Paul said "Charli!"

John's face went slightly sour as he peered at the back of a red-haired girl and a boy in a beret walking away.

"Paul," he said quietly. "Yer losing it mate, you bloody well know it's not her."

"Who's Charli?" Ringo asked.

"It's a long story," John said "Don't get him started"

New York, 9 February 1964

America had been in a state of shock, confusion and looking to restore some sense of normality since the assassination of their president, little did they know, that night on Ed Sullivan's show, everything would change, there would be hope again.

As John, Paul, Ringo, and Neil standing in for George who was still unwell, rehearsed that morning, none of them had any idea the way America would change after that night.

"Do ya' think they're going to like us?" Ringo asked once they'd finished rehearsing.

"I'm sure they'll love us Rings," Paul said as he tuned his bass.

"Now boys," Brian said getting their attention "George will be joining us this afternoon, we will be recording in front of a different audience tonight for a taped segment Ed would like air on a later date"

"Same songs as we're playing tonight Bri?" John asked.

"No no, different songs please," Brian said "Twist & Shout, Please Please Me & I Want To Hold Your Hand"

All were excited to perform for America for the first time, and all were terrified at how it would go.

Later that night, Eddie finished making a small meal of nachos and salsa from his father's recipes before sitting in front of the television with Charli.

"Figured we might as well see what all the fuss is about," he said switching the small set on. The show hadn't started just yet as a commercial for toothpaste was airing.

Charli shrugged. Lately, it seemed they spent most of their time following an up and coming artist Eddie had seen in Minnesota named Bob Dylan. Eddie had been a bit obsessed and they'd seen many of his shows in Greenwich Village and had even met him once after a show.

"So, are you thinking of doing this circus training?" Eddie asked jarring Charli from her thoughts.

"What? Oh, yeah...I think I might...somethin' to do really" she said.

"Aw, little Charli...running off with the circus" he teased as the show began. They were still talking when Ed Sullivan took the stage in his usual stoic manner, the crowd seemed louder than usual.

"Ladies and gentlemen....The Beatles" they heard him announce.

The band took the stage, they were slim with mop-topped hair and wearing dark suits, Charli's eyes went wide It can't be... she thought.

"Close your eyes and I'll kiss you

Tomorrow I'll miss you

Remember, I'll always be true.."

That voice, she would know it anywhere, she dropped the chip in her hand and stared wide-eyed and mouth agape.

"Charli," Eddie laughed "I don't think I've ever seen you give a damn about anyone on Sullivan"

"Shhh.." she hushed him, her heart was pounding as she moved closer to the television set.

"Hey, down in front!" Eddie said, "Some of us want to see if they're cute!"

Charli ignored Eddie, usually, she would joke back, but not tonight.

Before she could wrap her head around what she was seeing, hearing and feeling the next song started.

"There were bells on a hill

But I never heard them ringing..."

The camera panned to the singer. The voice, the same voice she knew from Liverpool only slightly more mature. She stared at the soft eyes she'd known so well, his hair was combed forward, but there was no mistaking the smile just as the name "Paul" showed on the screen.

Charli shook as tears came to her eyes and the camera panned to the drummer, "Ringo". She didn't know him, but the smile on his face was warm and genuine. Soon the camera panned to another familiar face "George". George looked at the camera and grinned, the same smile she remembered when he would tease her and Jenny. The camera turned to the last in the group "John" just below his name said, "Sorry girls, he's married". I wonder if it's Cyn..Charli thought before the camera panned back to Paul again, he smiled enjoying every moment of the performance. Charli stared, tears rolled down her cheeks.

"Jesus Charli," she heard Eddie say "Are all the men from your country that cute??"

She didn't respond. Eddie sensed something was wrong.

"They're good huh?" he said trying to distract her before the song ended. She snapped back to reality.

"Yeah...they are.." she said. There was a long pause before she spoke again "I'm actually really tired Eddie, I think I'm going to go to bed"

Eddie raised an eyebrow "Ok...are you sure you're alright?"

She nodded as she got up from the floor and made her way into the bathroom.

Once in the bathroom, she closed the door and opened a door to the small cabinet under the sink. She dug around the lip of the cabinet before finding what she was looking for. It was a small black case containing a spoon, rubber tube, syringe,  a fresh needle and a small bag of powder. She could hear Eddie still watching Ed Sullivan, she felt a little guilty as she held the syringe in her mouth and tied the rubber tube around her arm. She'd told him she had gotten rid of all of her drugs, she was done...but she kept a set hidden with one last hit for an emergency.

"This qualifies as a bloody emergency," she said to herself as she reached for her lighter before pouring the powder onto the spoon to heat up.

Eddie had fallen asleep on the small couch after the Ed Sullivan show until he heard a voice from the bathroom, singing...

In spite of all the daaaaanger...

In spite of all that may be...

He got up from the couch and made his way to the bathroom

I'll do anything for yooou...

Anything you want me to

If you'll be true to meeee...

He knocked lightly on the door, "Charli?" he said cautiously "Are you okay?"

In spite of all the heartaaaache...

That you may cause me...

"Charli, I'm opening the door," he said calmly as he quietly turned the knob.

"Oh honey," Eddie said as he entered the small bathroom to find Charli slumped against the bathtub and various drug paraphernalia strewn about the bathroom floor.

It was nearly 2 am and it felt like the party had only just begun at the Peppermint Lounge, John, Paul, George, and Ringo had spent the night dancing in celebration.

"They bloody loved us!" Paul said excitedly "Can ya' believe it, lads?"

"Course they did!" John grinned "What'd I tell ya' lads? The toppermost!"

George, Paul, and Ringo cheered and laughed.

"Next round is on me boys," Ringo said as he got a waiter's attention.

"No no, dear Ringo, the next rounds are on me," Brian said happily winking at the waiter.

As the 4 celebrated, Paul's mind wandered to the girl he saw in Central Park, was it really her?

Little did he know in the same city, she was having a worse time than he could ever have dreamed of.

Eddie held Charli's hair back as she vomited into a waste bin beside her bed. He had spent most of the night with Charli until she began coming round and carried her to her bed, he'd only left her side to fetch her water and keep her hydrated. She had said some odd things while she was high about the band they'd just seen on tv, Eddie dismissed it..he couldn't help but feel the bass player seemed familiar, however.

"I'm sorry Eddie.." Charli said finally.

"I'm not mad," he said "I'm so worried about you...if you're not careful, that stuff is going to kill you"

"But you still toke up," Charli said hoarsely.

"Sure...weed and maybe the occasional hit of acid is alright, I think," Eddie said still cradling her in his arms "That heroin though, I mean...it's alright...but it's destroying you."

"I just don't want to hurt anymore" she cried softly.

"What happened Charli? Why tonight?" he asked. Charli shook her head, they'd known each other long enough but there were still so many missing pieces to the puzzle known as Charli.

"Was it the show? Did they remind you of home?" he ventured.

"Something like that, I really don't want to talk about it now..." she felt nauseous, Eddie recognised the nausea and was quick with a waste bin ready.

"Yer a good friend..." she said wiping at her mouth "I swear...I'm done..."

"I was going to surprise you tomorrow," Eddie started "But I have a feeling you'll be recovering. I found us a new place...in Greenwich Village. Much more space for your art, it's with a group of performers and artists...with my natural talents and you getting into circus, they'll love us. Think about it Charli! We'll be living in the epicentre of arts and culture!"

Charli smiled weakly before nodding off again. Tomorrow would be a long day, sleep was a welcome friend.

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A/N:  Shite!  sorry, this is taking so long, work is insane and I'm trying to work on my art as well...I'll try to be better about updating! I meant to have this up last night, but Wattpad was a bit iffy. Anyway, I had this chapter in my head for awhile.  My research for this fic...is a bit disturbing >.<.  Right, 1 more chapter til they're reunited!  

Thanks as always for reading, commenting and liking!  Your words mean the world :)

I know this fic moves a little slower, but it'll be worth it :)

https://youtu.be/vt1Pwfnh5pc