02. sweet lies

t h r o w b a c k___________________

I've been a big fan of Sunghoon hyung since I was a kid. I watched on TV how he glides his skates so smoothly through the ice, doing several spins without getting dizzy and dancing so peacefully on. I was fascinated by his talent and thought he looked too cool to be real.

Every time I saw him walking through the school hall I wanted to be friends with him. He was a fairly quiet boy and shy when anyone mentioned seeing him on television, covering his face shyly and giggle while his cheeks turned into a shade of pink.

His eyes were dark brown and he had many birthmarks on his face, about three clearly visible to be exact. Thick beautiful eyebrows and pale skin. He really was like an ice prince.

When I turned 5, I decided to go up to him while he was playing with a golden retriever puppy and told him about his wonderful attitude while skating, directly asking him to be friends.

I was a very energetic and sociable child so making new friends was never difficult, but I was a little nervous asking someone as special as him to be my friend.

"The puppy is cuter than you though," he replied nonchalantly, leaving me speechless.

"He's no cuter than me. I'll be cuter."

He looked at me and laughed at my confidence and I slowly shrugged, feeling embarrassed.

While impatiently waiting for his answer I figured I should leave as he didn't answer my question but preferred to play with the puppy. Just as I was about to slowly walk away, I felt a hand on my shoulder, squeezing it gently, and turned to see his face just inches apart from mine.

"I haven't even answered your question yet and you already want to leave?", he asked after a while, now standing and gave me his hand.

"Hmm.. Let's be friends." Hyung gave me his widest smile, showing off his tiny fangs and cute dimples on his right cheek.

Even though we were in different classes, we grew very close. He would take me to his skating practice sessions and we would spend all our time after school playing around and getting dirty all over the place, but we didn't care as long as we were having fun.

He hated it when I spoke to him informally, even though we were only a year apart. Still, I enjoyed seeing him pout and getting sulky every time.

Sunghoon always took care of me and my health, knowing I've always been a bit weaker. I felt like no one would ever understand me like this boy I met through a silly conversation did.

He made me laugh with his silly dad-jokes and smiled brightly when I actually found his jokes funny. He made sure I ate every meal, although he didn't, because he had to take care of his body when he competes. Even when he had his own problems, he always put me first and we were a safe place for each other. He was like an older brother I never had.

He had promised to always be by my side and he will always be grateful that we met each other.              "If I ever win a skating competition abroad, I would thank you first, sun."

"Pinky promise, Sunoo-ya." he would say, kissing my forehead while i had a strange feeling in my stomach that i've never felt before, wishing he would keep those soft lips there a little longer.

"Forever and ever.", he promised me once again.

As we got older it became more difficult to keep in touch as we were both much busier, me with school and Sunghoon hyung with his skating activities as he now plays for our country. But I still tried to hang out whenever I could, even though he refused to go out with me and said he was busy. I couldn't understand what I had done wrong or what had happened to our friendship.

Until one night I got a call from him and heard his trembling voice. Sobs between every single word he said. We decided to meet at our favorite place, the park where we met.

When I got to the park, I saw him sitting on a swing with his arms crossed. It was late at night when I left the house without thinking that I was only wearing my pajamas. When he spotted me he would insist on lending me his long coat because the tip of my nose turned slightly pink.

"What's been going on lately? Why were you so distant?" I asked earnestly. But he just ignored my question.

"Have you eaten anything lately? You know you shouldn't skip meals, Sun."

"I'm fine, but what's the matter with you? Seriously, if there's anything I can do, please let me know." For minutes he just stared into my soul like I was the only one on this earth and sighed before finally telling me.

"Mother told me that tomorrow we will leave South Korea for me to compete overseas."

"That's great news then! Send me lots of pictures if you-" 

"No, Sunoo." He stared at me and furrowed his eyebrows. "She wants me to stay there for at least two years so I can get better, and maybe.. I'll stay there longer."

"What," I let out a light laugh, too confused to say something else.

"What do you mean? Why didn't you tell me earlier, hyung?" Those shiny eyes staring at me make it hard for me to even get mad at you.

"I didn't want to hurt you.. I figured it would be easier for both of us, if I just left in silence. I couldn't think straight. I'm... fuck.. I am so sorry, sun..", his voice getting softer with every word.

"Please tell me you're joking, hyung.. It's a joke right? You wouldn't.. You wouldn't leave me so suddenly, would you? You wouldn't leave.. ", I burst into tears, unable to go on. He just knelt down in front of me and gave me the warmest and tightest hug like never before.

"I won't go forever, I'll run back to you, sun. Always." He rests his head on my shoulder and buried his face on my neck. lies.

Neither of us wanted to let go of that hug as it felt like the last hug before goodbye. Before he went to Poland he gave me a handwritten letter.

_______________________

Dear Sun,I'm such an idiot right? Leaving you like this all of a sudden. I am devastated by this decision, but the circumstances are such that there is no other option. The bidden farewell in person, seeing the unbearable pain in your eyes like this..

I never thought or imagined I would ever have to say goodbye to you, it was never in my plan since the day we met and it's the hardest thing ever.I always promised to be by your side, yet i'm writing this letter. I'm such a coward for hurting you, but I promise to be back as soon as possible.

Until then, take care of your health and take your vitamins well. Don't skip meals & keep shining in the world with your smile. I will miss you every day.. You want to be an artist right? Follow your dreams. Be an artist one day. Paint wonderful works of art that I can see in museums soon. How about me next on the podium?

We'll meet Again! Promise. Please wait for me.This isn't goodbye, is it? That simply means: See you later!

Thank you for everything, Sun. I am sincerely sorry and I love you, always. - Your Park Sunghoon

_______________________

But where are you?

In fact, in the few years that went by, he did not come back even once. He didn't answer my calls. Not a single message. Not one letter.

Nothing. It was as if he had completely disappeared.

It wasn't easy when I saw him on international television forgetting or perharps even intentionally breaking our promise for whatever reason. It was unfair to see him slowly forget me while I couldn't stop crying over whatever we had every single night.

I couldn't understand why you were so self-centred. I waited for you all night, hoping there would be a day, we would meet again and fall in each others arms like before. I told myself everything will be fine and you'll be back soon. Just like you promised.

But you lied to me, once again.

I hated you for being so selfish. I hated you for not telling me about this sooner. I hated you for being able to forget us so fast.

But most importantly, I hated myself for loving you. I hated the fact that i wished you were here with me. I hated myself for thinking about us all the time.

Over time I tried to forget him and make new friends. This allowed me to meet my current best friend, Yang Jungwon. Thankfully, he has always been supportive and we've grown closer over the years.

I'm finally back in Highschool again and I was able to find my peace when you suddenly reappeared but this time ignoring me, leaving me there without an explanation, like a real coward.

You owe sleep, so much sleep.