30

Despite what I told Steve, I am scared. Even though I know that HYDRA isn't stupid enough to come and get me after straight-up telling us that they would, the thought of being back with them again haunts me.

I shouldn't be losing sleep over it, but I am. I spend most nights sitting in the hallway, fingers tightly clenched around a knife since we don't keep guns in the house. Boromir sometimes stays up with me, loyally upright by my side.

One such night, Steve wakes up and discovers me on the hallway floor.

"What are you doing?" he asks tiredly. I don't answer because I don't want to admit to him that I'm afraid. Instead of waiting for an actual response, though, he just reaches his hand toward me. "Gimme the knife and come to bed, okay?"

I place the knife in his outstretched hand, albeit hesitantly, and he goes and puts it away. When he returns, he hauls me up from the floor.

"Come to bed," he repeats groggily, pulling me into his bedroom and dropping me onto the bed. He flops down next to me and pats my chest. "Talk about it in the morning." 

He falls asleep almost instantly. I don't sleep at all, and when morning comes, I'm up before him.

"Morning," he greets upon seeing that I'm awake, then he gets right to business. "Why were you sitting out in the hallway last night?"

"I'm just being paranoid," I shrug, as if it's no big deal. 

"You're the one who said HYDRA won't do anything," he reminds me, sitting up in bed. 

"I don't think they will," I confirm, "but that doesn't change the fact that I spent decades as their property. I don't think they'll do anything, but this experience is bringing up a lot of bad memories from that time. I'm being paranoid because they did hurt me, and they did hurt you." 

Steve nods sullenly. "Well, if they take you-"

"It's too early for this-"

"If they take you," he repeats forcefully. "I would get you back. Nothing could stop me from finding you. Nothing. Besides, your trigger words don't work anymore. They can't control you anymore." 

"That doesn't mean anything, Steve. If HYDRA gets me back and they discover that the words don't work, they'll just start over. From scratch. They'll find a new way to condition me, and while they're figuring that out, they'll wipe me and put me on ice."

"No-" he tries to argue, but I interrupt again.

"While we're doing hypotheticals," I say. "Say HYDRA gets me back and wipes my memories. If you manage to find me again-"

"I will," he vows. "I'll find you." 

"Kill me."

This stuns him to silence. First, he looks shocked, and then he looks disappointed and a little angry. He doesn't look me in the eyes for a few minutes. He takes a deep breath and looks at me, posture screaming with authority.

"No," he declines firmly. "I'm not going to do that."

"I don't want to go through this recovery again," I argue. "And you can't force me to-"

"You can't force me to kill you. If you get wiped again, you won't know that you asked me to kill you. You've come back from that before, and you can do it again. You will do it again." 

I can't do it again. I just can't. I don't think I would have the strength or determination to try again. 

I clench my jaw and turn away from Steve so he can't see the tears gathering in my eyes.

"That's cruel, Steve," I spit the words out like they've burned my tongue. I feel his hand on my shoulder and I instinctively jerk away from the touch.

"I love you," he says softly. "You're my world, and I won't lose you. I can't lose you. I know you're tired, but you're also strong. You can't give up, no matter how much you want to."

I let out a tired sigh, still very much not looking at Steve. "It doesn't matter," I eventually decide. "They aren't going to do anything, so it doesn't matter." 

He allows us to drop the subject, knowing full well that it will linger in the back of our minds for a good long while.

(I'm sorry it's so short- it's hard for me to find the motivation to write anything anymore)