Chapter 20

A soft vibration sound buzzed into my ear and it took me a few seconds to realise that it was not part of my dream but that I actually had to wake up. I let the dreams carry me out of the comfortable bubble and felt like I hit the surface, then opened my eyes and became aware of my surroundings. I stretched and sat up in bed, yawning for a few seconds. From the bathroom I heard water running and the fact that Pete wasn’t next to me made me realise that he was showering. I became aware of my phone buzzing on the nightstand again and picked it up. It was Mandy.

“Hello?” I mumbled, having to yawn again. “Did I wake you?” she asked in confusion. “Yeah but it’s fine, Pete’s already awake too. We spent the night in a motel.” “Come again for people who aren’t in on the joke yet?” she asked and her voice was starting to sound slightly girlier. “Okay, don’t think I’m insane but I told Pete I kissed William and…” “You kissed William?” she snapped and the high pitch of her voice made me move the phone a few inches away from my ear. “That’s not important…” “It is important!” she cut me off again, obviously ready to discuss this matter. “No, what’s important is that I think I slept with Pete last night!” I hissed to make her shut up and see the real struggle. “What?!” she shrieked again and I rolled my eyes. “Can we please talk about this and not scream?” “Start. From. The. Beginning.” I laughed nervously. “Right, so I told Pete I kissed William and before that, we were getting along so well and I regretted telling him because it seemed to really bother him and…” “Of course it bothers him, when will you see that he still isn’t over you?! Does that ever cross your mind?” she interrupted me again. “Can I speak?” I hissed in desperation, hoping Pete wouldn’t come out any time soon. She laughed. “Yes, of course, sorry.” “So, it seemed to bother him and I don’t think he was jealous but there was something, maybe he just doesn’t like the idea … anyway. You know what I mean. And then I may or may not have slept with him, I don’t know.” “What do you mean you don’t know?” “Well, we went to bed and we had already talked things through and it seemed fine and he was like half-naked and you know I’m pregnant, yeah? And I was pretty … well, you know…” “Horny?” she asked, clearly knowing what I meant. I sighed but speaking to Mandy I didn’t really mind. “And…?” she asked. “Either, I fell asleep and dreamt about it or it actually happened?” “What happened?” she asked, her voice higher now. “We had sex.” “How can you not know?” she squeaked again. I shrugged. “I don’t know, I was tired, I was exhausted, I was dizzy, leave me alone, I’m pregnant!” I squeaked back. We always did this, this voice that wasn’t really yelling, it was more like high-pitched accusations but never serious.

“If you don’t know, you have to ask him” she said after a few seconds, calmer now. “I can’t ask him. If it didn’t happen, he will know that I dreamt about it.” “You have no control over your dreams.” “Maybe I was fantasizing.” She laughed. “Charlie, you can’t go around not knowing if you’ve had sex with him or not.” “I really doubt it, he said some things that he wouldn’t have said in reality.” “Like what?” “He said he loved me.” “Maybe that was hard to say? A confession?” I sighed. “No and I’m glad if it was just a dream, it would make everything less awkward!” “Charlie!” “Mandy, please. Tell me you can’t relate.” She sighed. “Of course I can relate, I can imagine what you feel like but I’m also trying to be the voice of sense here. Seriously, you’ll be looking at him and all you’ll think about is if it happened last night or not. Tell me you don’t agree?” I sighed too. “Yes, you’re right. But I can’t ask him, it’s too weird. Especially if it didn’t happen. And if it did … we’ll have to talk about it. I’d rather pretend it didn’t happen. And that might be the best, in case it really didn’t.” Mandy was silent for a little, then yawned. “Tell me what you do. I want to know as well.” “Sort out your own relationships.” “That thing with Alex was really stupid, I shouldn’t have let that happen.” I pursed my lips. “Well, nobody could’ve stopped you if they tried to get you away from dating Alex Gaskarth for a while.” “Myself from the future maybe.” I laughed. “You know better now and you’ll find somebody that’s right for you.” “Easy for you to say.” “Excuse me?!” I scoffed. “You’ve got Pete.” “You’re really viewing this all wrong” I said, slightly offended now. “Goodbye.”

Just when I had put the phone back down on the nightstand and was back underneath the covers, Pete came out of the bathroom with just a towel around his waist. He was doing it on purpose, I swear. “Morning” he said. I wondered if he would show any sign of what had happened last night, if it had happened. I wanted to slap myself, how on Earth could I not remember if this had really happened or not?! But Mandy was right, I looked at him and it was all I could think of. “Everything alright?” I heard myself ask. He nodded shortly and gathered some clothes together from his suitcase, then dropped the towel and just put on his clothes. “Oh, really?!” I squeaked and held my hand up in front of my eyes almost automatically. He chuckled and turned around, already dressed in boxers and skinnies. I shook my head in disbelief but I could see a mocking smile playing on his lips. Did this mean something? As in “it doesn’t matter after last night” or just a kind of “you’ve seen it before so whatever”? I was so confused and I wanted to just ask but I couldn’t. I had already made matters worse enough.

I stumbled out of bed and grabbed all the stuff I needed in the bathroom, then disappeared until I was fully dressed, had my make-up and hair done and felt like I was capable of looking at him without seeing skin in front of my inner eyes that he was currently covering. I had to pull myself together and it took leaning my head against the mirror and staring at my own face for a few seconds. I packed up my suitcase and he grabbed it without even saying anything again so without saying another word myself, I followed him outside and took the keycard, then we took the elevator downstairs and checked out. I couldn’t stop Pete from paying and honestly, I didn’t have the money to either. The ginger receptionist smiled at me again but I really wasn’t in the mood to flirt back, Pete noticed neither though.

Without asking me, he sat on the driver’s side but I was glad because I was still too tired to drive and I was starting to feel sick but I didn’t want to throw up and complain. He had already agreed to drive this whole way with me so I didn’t need to make it any more annoying. I could handle myself. But it made me more and more uncomfortable when Pete wouldn’t speak to me for what seemed like eternity while driving. And he was a decent driver so I knew he didn’t have to concentrate. Had something actually happened and he was regretting it? I hated that I didn’t know how to feel but hormones were pushing me to feel exactly what they wanted me to feel. Which was besides sickness, disappointment. Also also a whole lot of confusion. I really wanted to know if we had had sex or not, it drove me crazy that if it was true, he knew and wasn’t speaking about it. But maybe the opposite was the case.

“Is Hemingway still at your parents’ place?” I asked, just to say something. Pete nodded but didn’t take his eyes off the road. “Right, okay” I said with a quick, understanding nod. “You haven’t been on tour in a while, why don’t you get him back?” I asked. He started to chew on his bottom lip, still not looking at me. Maybe he didn’t want to talk to me but he would have to eventually. “You know, we could drive by your parents’ place and get him, if you want, I don’t mind” I said, knowing how much he loved his dog and that it would probably make him feel better to have him around again. Pete took a deep breath, still sort of ignoring me. “Pete, are we okay?” I asked. He closed his eyes for just a second, then opened them again, squinting over at me. “Yes, we’re okay” he said calmly. “Are you sure? Or is there anything between us?” I asked. But then I realised that if we had had sex, he must’ve been thinking I was completely stupid asking. I sighed and leaned back, closing my eyes. “Alright, whatever.”

After driving for a little longer, he turned to me, his face is softer now. “Is it really okay if we stop in Wilmette?” I nodded, my lips curling into a smile. “Of course, I mean, it was my idea.” “Are you sure?” “Yes” I replied. “I’ll be quick, I’ll just hop in, get him and say hello, we don’t have to stay long.” I rolled my eyes. “I don’t mind though, I know you don’t see your family much so if you want to stay for a night or two, I don’t mind.” “Are you fine with meeting my parents?” I shrugged. “It’s not gonna be what will make me hold you back from seeing your family. I know how important it is to you.” He smiled. “Thanks.” “You’re driving.” He laughed. “Still.” I shrugged. “Alright.”

“No need to be nervous.” I smiled at him from the side. “I’m not nervous, don’t worry.” “I thought you might be.” I shrugged. “No, not really. I mean, if we were still together, I would’ve met them eventually as well so I was kind of expecting it. Now I’m meeting them as your friend.” “And the mother of my second child.” I laughed nervously. “Well, yeah, do you wanna tell them?” I wondered, now starting to feel slightly weird about meeting them. They probably wouldn’t judge but it’d still feel strange and for some reason I felt like if they would judge, they’d judge me, not so much Pete.

I tried not to think about it and shook my head slightly, taking a deep breath and closing my eyes again, listening to the cars on the highway. I wanted to relax, I wanted all of my thoughts to stop running, I wanted to just calm down but it was impossible. There were so many things on my mind, so many things that demanded to be thought through. The fact that I maybe still had feelings for Pete, the question of what had happened last night, generally my pregnancy, my parents wanting to fly over from Spain. It was all getting too much and I just wanted to shut off my brain. But the only time I had ever managed to do that was when everything was sorted with Pete, at least after I had met him.