Chapter 61: Gut Punch

*Joe's POV*

I dallied in my tour bus for about twenty minutes, enough to collect myself together to where no one would've been able to notice anything was wrong. I took a deep breath in, held it for five seconds, then slowly let it out before opening the door to step down to the concrete.

A few fans were waiting near the metal gate that allowed them to peek through, spotting me immediately with excited screams of my name being called. I glanced over my shoulder to wave at them, but didn't stop walking forwards to enter the arena. If I hadn't looked so rough, I would've greeted them on a more personal level with pictures and signing whatever was handed me, most likely a physical copy of one of our CDs or a picture of myself.

Walking down the halls, I passed by Nick's dressing room first. He was busy writing music of his own, another side project that provided him more freedom on what he wanted his vibe to sound like while expressing his most vulnerable thoughts and feelings he was too scared to admit otherwise.

I understood, having done the same myself with my own side projects. It felt weird to have Nick's voice sing my story during the darkest time in my life.

I let him be, walking by Kevin's now. He and Dani were enjoying a loving moment filled with laughter and smiles as they munched on some snacks, their honeymoon phase still very much present even after seventeen years of marriage.

My brothers' marriages were what I longed for, and at one point thought I had too. I never wanted to go through that kind of heartache again, but I was willing to risk finding it again, specifically with Natalia. No one else made my heart feel something, gravitating towards more than just a fantasy or a casual fling.

The next room over was mine. It wasn't empty though, Mikey's and Natalia's voices shouting videogame nonsense over one another. Upon entering, I couldn't even care to force a smile as I sat on the couch in front of the TV, Mikey in the middle of Natalia and me.

"You wanna join?" Mikey offered without taking his eyes off the screen, a third controller already waiting for me on the table, "We've been getting so close to victory, but there's really good teams online right now kicking our asses."

"Sure," I muttered, picking up the controller and linking my account to join the game. I wasn't sure how useful I'd be, but I had to try to adjust my brain into a positive mindset. Or a dissociative one. Whichever came first so Natalia and I's fight that resulted in no resolution wouldn't affect my performance onstage.

It slowly started to work, getting more into the game by eliminating team after team. Every successful shot with my sniper gave me that pre-adrenaline rush.

"Dude, you're getting in my way," Mikey fiddled with the buttons on the controller, cocking his head as if that also moved his character's view.

"The last team is right in front of us," I attested, doing the same with my fingers on the controller's buttons, "Use your other gun. The SMG. Babe, you do the same. The both of you move to get a closer range and distract them. I'll stay behind with my sniper."

"I'm not good with the SMG," Natalia started using her sniper too, right next to me but out right in the open as an easy target, "Let me snipe. I can do it."

"No, you're going to get killed," I argued, "Follow Mikey and just start shooting."

"Can you not?" she dodged a few of their bullets from their team's sniper, "You're not the leader. Stop controlling what we should be doing."

"I'm not your fucking ex, Nat," I snapped, my fingers freezing as I twisted my head in her direction, "So stop putting me in the same category as some controlling boyfriend. I'm nothing like him and never have been, never will be."

Her hands, too, froze, but her eyes stayed glued to the TV screen.

"Um, yeah, I think I should go get ready," Mikey gulped, putting his controller down right before his character got killed, "I'm not getting involved in whatever this is."

Seconds later, Natalia and I got double-killed. The giant white word 'Eliminated' lit up on the screen, the other team winning the game we would've if they had just listened to my plan.

I tossed my controller on the table next to Mikey's with a clang on the glass and slumped into the couch's cushions. My arms hugged my upper stomach loosely, right below my chest, while I stared at a spot just under the TV.

Natalia copied me, my words slapping her upside the head, then piped up in almost a whisper, "I know that."

"Do you?" I quickly sat back up and turned my body towards her, inhaling the thick air around us that started to choke me in my throat, "Because you just told me I've been breaking you down to the point of feeling like I'm controlling your life's decisions. Multiple times. Can you elaborate or give me an example? Because I'm really struggling to understand a time where I did such a thing."

"You want an example? Fine. Okay. Here's one. Boston," she matched my body language, the pent-up energy boiling our blood, "You were insistent. It felt like I didn't have a choice even though I told you I couldn't give you what you need."

"How do you know what I do or don't need?" I protested, "But I was just telling the obvious. Expressing what I've been feeling and what I want. I thought that's what you wanted too, right?"

"I do, but," she huffed, "What you need is someone that is able to travel with you. That physical shit I can't give you. I mean, I know I am right now, but after this week, then what? Can you wait for me?"

"Nat, just because you can't travel doesn't mean I can't," I stated, my heart racing with the fear of losing her again, "I can keep flying to Boston until you're okay to get away for a few days. Or even just a day. We'll make plans so we can keep counting down to when we'll see each other again."

"No. See? This is what I'm meaning, Joe," she groaned, standing up to pace around in a gimp without her crutch, "I can't give you those set plans. I don't know how long my recovery will be or when I'll be ready to focus on a relationship. I know you keep on saying you don't have those expectations, but I do, otherwise it'll be one-sided. That's not a relationship."

"So what, are you giving us up now?" my eyes burned in a blurry mess, "You aren't even giving us a chance to try?"

She hesitated, her eyes covered by a watery film, before softly replying, "I don't know, but I think I should go back to Boston early. I need time to think without being influenced by you, and I think you need time to think if this is truly what you can handle."

"I don't need time, Nat!" I exclaimed, throwing my hands up as I stood, rushing towards her to reach for her hands tenderly, "You're not someone to 'handle'. You're someone I want. Please, give us a starting chance."

"I'm not ending us right now, Joe," she assured, but the confidence wasn't present.

"'Right now'," I scoffed, my heart's pain prolonging.

"Please just give me some time," she squeezed my hands with hers, "I need that to make sure this is the right decision."

I slipped my hands away from hers and started to walk the opposite way while wiping my eyes discreetly. She really proved me wrong on the pain in my heart being prolonged.

"Okay," I spun back around and swallowed the lump down my throat, lifting my hood up over my head, "I'll book you the next flight back to Boston and make sure you get there safely considering it'll probably be when I'm already performing."

"Okay," she briefly gazed down, "Thank you."

"Yeah," I uttered in barely a whisper, digging my hands in my pockets, "I'm gonna go get changed and pick out my jacket for tonight. I think Sydney made me a new one she wanted me to try on."

This time, she was the one that walked closer to me to intertwine our fingers, "Joe, you know this isn't me breaking up with you, right?"

"Right now, yeah, I know," I repeated her words that punched me right in the gut, "You don't know if the right decision is me yet. Trust me, you made that loud and clear."

"Joe," she breathed out as I pulled away.

"I need to go get changed. Text me when you land, please? Be safe," I kept my composure as I kissed her cheek before walking out the door to head to the area where the food was instead, her not the only one building up a brick wall. But my brick wall was incomplete, almost anyone being able to see right above it if they were to stand on the tips of their toes.