Chapter 49

Lilly's POV 2 1/2 years ago

Cross and I are laughing while walking out to his car from leaving the party. We had fun, but after a while of everyone still continuing to stare and whisper about us, it gets extremely old.

We've been seeing each other for months now, and while we're not technically dating, it's safe to say that we only have eyes and hands for each other. I was so adamant that we not be anything serious, strictly fun, but I haven't even looked at another guy since Cross has come into my life.

I think about one boy though, quite often. I'm terrified that will never change, but the hurt is a little better everyday, and I just have to keep reminding myself of that on the days it feels like I'll never be able to feel like myself again.

Cross reaches his hand across the console and puts it on my leg after we take off down the road towards his house. He doesn't even ask anymore if I'm spending the night, it's just known.

"Wanna play a game?" Cross asks, with a mischievous glint in his eyes that I've become very partial to.

"What game?"

"It's called pididdle. Anytime we pass a car and they have a head light out, one of us has to slap the roof of the car. The person who doesn't slap the roof first, has to remove an article of clothing."

I giggle nervously, but can't help the excitement that churns in my belly. This is why I keep him around and he's so easy for me to be with, he distracts me without even trying. And it's never forced with him either.

I never thought having sex with someone other than Sutter could feel so natural, the thought alone before used to make me feel sick. But Cross lights something up in me that even Sutter never brought out. I'm not sure how he does it.

"Okay, I'm game. But don't cry when I beat you." I pull my purse strap from around my chest and lay it at my feet.

     It takes forever, but we finally see a car with no headlight, coming up to a stop sign on my side of the car. So naturally I think I see the car first, just as my hand is about to smack the roof, I hear the unmistakable sound of a thwack!, and Cross hits the roof first.

      "How'd you see it first? It was on my side of the car!"

     "Winners mentality baby, I have eyes everywhere. Now strip." His voice is full of smugness, and i'd be lying if I said I didn't want him to use that tone with me in the bedroom.

    I look down to decide what piece of clothing I want to take off, only have on three, five if you include my two pairs of shoes. "Do shoes count?"

     Cross looks down to the strappy sandals that cover my feet. "Absolutely not."

    I groan in frustration, but end up whipping the crop top tank top off that I was wearing.

     Cross eyes me suggestively, not trying to hide the fact that his eyes are scanning over my body very thoroughly. "See something you like?"

    He nods his head, his eyes shining with lust is obvious to me in this dark car, only lit up by the street lights around us. "Very much so." His voice is husky, and I'm sure it's because of all the things he's thinking about doing to me later.

    "Yeah? Me too." I say, and then slap the roof of the car. Cross's head whips around and sees another car that has pulled up at the light intersection, only one head light illuminated. "Winners mentality baby, I have eyes everywhere. Now get to stripping pony boy."

      "Pony boy, huh?" He says and chuckles, then removes his hat, pulls his plain white T-shirt over his head and tosses it at me. He puts his hat back on backwards, then looks over at me and gives me a crooked smile.

     I have to clench my legs together, thinking he's the sexiest thing I've ever seen. Cross has always been bigger and taller than all the other boys we went to school with, and his muscles are no exception. The sight of them makes me so turned on I'm not sure if I'm gonna make it until we get to the house.

     "See something you like?" Cross asks, mimicking me in a taunting voice, knowing how intently I'm checking him out.

    "Just play the game," I tell him, but can't stop the smile that crosses me face. It's effortless, just like being with him.

    I get cross two more times in a row, him sitting in nothing but his underwear. He, for whatever reason, got to count his hat as an article of clothing.

     "Finally!" Cross yells in excitement as he hits the roof, finally beating me in a round. But now I'm a predicament, because I don't have any underwear on under my blue jean shorts. So its either take my bra off and let my girls hang out, or take my shorts off and have no underwear on..

    I settle on taking my shorts off, that way if we pass a car on the road, they won't see me practically naked in this car. Cross grins and looks over, I assume thinking I'm going to be in some revealing underwear. When he sees that i'm not though, he slams on the brakes so hard I have to catch myself on the dash of the car. "What are you doing?" I ask him, and looking around wildly to make sure no other cars are near us. We left the party late, so the roads are pretty deserted, but you can never be too sure.

    "Are you trying to get me in trouble?" He asks in a serious tone.

    "No?"

    "Then why are you sitting in the front seat of my car with no pants on?"

    "That's how you said you play the game! It's either this or take my bra off and have my tits out!"

    He just shakes his head at me. "You're trying to get me arrested for having sex with you on the side of the road, aren't you?"

    "I-" But I don't know what to say to that, because I think that would be a very good idea. But chances of getting away with anything like that in this small town is very slim. If we were to get caught, everyone, including the mayor, would know by sun up. "Get me to your room and you can do whatever you want to me."

    Cross said nothing, but threw the car in drive and didn't let up off the accelerator the whole way to his house. What would have originally be a ten minute drive, was only five minutes. He threw the car in park and then hopped out of the driver seat, running over to my side.

     I started rushing to put my clothes on, but he had my door pulled open and was reaching for me before I could get anything on. "Cross, we're both naked!"

    "Put your arms around my neck." He instructed me. I did as he said and squealed a little when he lifted me up and covered me with his shirt, that he still didn't have on.

    I couldn't help the delighted giggles coming out of my mouth as he carried us around the house and to the door that entered to his floor of the house. "Why are you covering me up? No one is out here."

    "I'm not taking any chances, no one sees you naked."

    "Not even Bigfoot?" I joke, cause were completely surrounded by trees out here.

    "Not even that motherfucker." He says, and slides open the door.

    "You're so stupid," I tell him jokingly.

     He lowers me gently onto the bed after we enter his room. He pushes a piece of hair off my cheek and tucks it behind my ear. "Stupid for you."

    I have no words for his declaration, not knowing what to truly make of it. I'm also not ready to admit that I'm pretty stupid for him too. I never expected to feel this strongly for him.

    Grabbing his face in my hands, I pull his mouth onto mine, and it doesn't take long for the kisses to become heavy and frantic. We're both already practically naked, so when he lays his body on top of mine, we both groan in pleasure.

     There will be no time for foreplay tonight, we're both too needy and hungry for it. He presses between my legs with his erection, and it makes me ever crazier with need.

    I hook my fingers in the sides of his boxers and yank them down, instantly grabbing him with my hands and rubbing him. He sits me up roughly, stopping my movements, and unlatches my bra before taking one of my nipples into his mouth.

      "I can't wait anymore, do it now." I tell him, feeling like I can't sit still because of the roaring amounts of pleasure that are taking over me. The need to have him inside me is unbearable.

     Cross reaches over into his nightstand and pulls out a condom. After he has it rolled on and is positioned right in front of my entrance, he looks up at me.

     "Tell me you'll never be with him or anyone else again."

    My whole body freezes. "What?"

    "Tell me that this is it for us, you and me. And that no one is going to come in between us anymore. Even the ones who don't live here anymore."

     "This is about Sutter?" I'm shocked, because I feel like I've done such a good job masking my pain over him. I never let Cross see how much him being gone still gets to me. I wait till I'm alone at home to get drunk in my room, and then usually cry myself to sleep holding us picture of us from when we were twelve at the Valentines dance. The dance that made him ask me out.

      "Isn't everything always about Sutter? I know you still struggle, but I just want you to tell me that you want to be with me as much as I want you."

     "If I didn't want to be with you, I wouldn't be here right now."

      "But I can't call you my girlfriend, and you still won't stay the whole night. Every morning when I wake up, you've snuck out of the bed and walked home. We act like it never happens and we never bring it up, but we need to. Before things get any further." He sits himself up off of me and leans back on the bed.

      "You're choosing to do this now? Right before we were about to have sex?"

     "I can't keep acting like having sex with you doesn't mean everything to me." He looks away as if he's embarrassed.

     "Cross, it means a lot to me too. You're not alone in that, and I can even admit that I like you a lot more than I ever planned to. But..I'm not ready for anything else right now."

      "He's been gone a year Lilly, how much more time do you need?"

     "It's not that simple." I tell him quietly.

     "Then explain it to me, because I don't understand. I do everything I can to make you happy, and to make you mine, and I can still feel that you're not. Sutter is still a fucking barrier between us and he's not even here, and probably never coming back."

     His words make me lose my breath, because that's my biggest fear and what I always struggle with the most. He's never coming back for me. "I know that." I tell Cross, and hate the sadness that is in my voice.

     Cross shakes his head and his gaze softens. "I know you loved him, but can't you ever let yourself love someone else? You deserve that Lilly. You're a good person."

     I let out a big breath in frustration. "Of course I want to love someone else! Don't you think I want that more than anyone else? I would love to not wake up every morning and feel this whole inside my chest because my baby is gone and the love of my life left me. But I can't make that happen." Or I would, for Cross. I would give anything for Cross. But I can't give him something I don't have. "I gave my heart to Sutter a long time ago, and he took it with him."

     Cross just nods his head solemnly. "I know. I was hoping maybe I could help you grow a new heart. I love you too, ya know."

      "You...you love me?" I ask in shock.

     "How can you not see that?"

     "Because there's not much to love right now. I'm in pieces, Cross."

      "Well I love all of those pieces, and I'd love to put you back together. But you have to let me in." He was so sincere that it made my already broken heart break a little bit more.

      I wish I could love someone again, but truth was, I was never going to let myself. It wasn't worth the pain that you could experience if things went wrong. And good things always came to an end, there was no happy ending for my fairy tale. There was just life, I was a dealt a fucked up hand.

    I needed to get out now, before I hurt him any worse or allowed myself to be torn apart all over again.

      "I should go." I tell him, and slide off the bed and start putting my discarded clothes back on.

      For once, Cross makes no move to stop me. "Are you going to be this way forever?"

     "It's kinda hard to think about forever when you're barely making it through one day." I slip my shoes on, and look around the room that i've spent a lot of my time in recently. Cross even has a picture of he and I over his mantle, where the one of him and Sutter used to sit. 

    "I could make the days easier, if you would let me." He mutters, still not moving from his spot on the bed, still not looking at me.

   "You do make my days easier Cross, but I can't give you what you're asking for." 

   "All i'm asking for is you." 

   "Exactly." Then  I opened his door, and walked out. My heart constricted and the weight of what was actually happening felt like it might crush me. My breathing was deep and heavy, I felt like something was weighting me down. 

   I ran out of Cross's basement as fast as I could, having no direction or idea on where to go. I eventually found myself back at the cemetery. I found the bottle of tequila I had hidden in some bushes near the pond. 

    Halfway through the bottle, with fucking tears rolling down my cheeks that I swore would never be because of another boy, my phone dings with a text message.

    Denny: 'Hey stranger, wanna hang out? Haven't seen you in a while.'

   It's nearly three AM, and Dennys asking to hang out now? Tells me he must be drunk from a party and not ready to go home yet.

   Lilly: 'Yes, come get me from Greens Cemetery'

   I take another chug out of the bottle waiting on his reply.

   Denny: 'Be there in 5 minutes'

  When Denny finally pulls up in the parking area, I walk slowly to his car, already feeling awkward because we have barely seen each other since things picked up with Cross and I. 

   He takes one look at my swollen eyes and red cheeks. "Hmmm, you look like you could use a pick-me-up." He digs into his pocket and fishes out a little baggy with white powder in it. I've never done drugs, but I'm not an idiot either.

    "Coke?" My voice is timid and scared even to my own ears.

    "Coke and a couple other things mixed with it. Sure will make you forget about a lot of bad shit and like you can save the world." He tells me, with almost adoration in his voice about this substance. 

    "I don't know how to.."

    His smile is sinister. "Don't worry, i'll teach you everything you need to know." Then he dumps the baggy out on the center console, and starts separating it into thin lines. 

    I don't know if this stuff will help me save the world, but maybe it'll help me save myself.