Chapter 41

Lilly's POV

I really want to punch Sutter in the face. Like hard.

But seeing as how his face is already busted up and his back, I probably shouldn't. But I really want to. At the same time though I want to help take care of him because I hate that he's in pain.

I honestly don't know what to feel right now. When Jesse called me while I was enjoying a girls night with Nadine and Jo, I never expected it to be him telling me to get to his house, we might need to take Sutter to the hospital.

He said it wasn't anything serious but maybe some broken ribs and he might need a couple of stitches. Sutter told Jesse he didn't want Jo to know what happened yet, so I made up some stupid excuse about swim practice in the morning so I could leave early.

Neither one of them bought it obviously, they both teased me and said they knew I was going to see Sutter somewhere. Whatever.

When I walked into Jesse's room upstairs, I didn't realize just how bad Sutter's face was going to be. He was sitting on the edge of the bed with a towel in his hand, holding it up to his lip.

I gasped and covered my mouth with my hands, my eyes instantly filling with tears at his appearance.

It didn't take a genius to figure out who he fought with either.

"What the actual fuck is wrong with you?!" I yell at him, not bothering to hide my disappointment.

The whole time I've been standing in the room, he hasn't looked at me or acknowledged me once. But I know he knows I'm here, we always know when each other are close.

"Can y'all give us a minute?" He says to Jesse, Bobby, and Fuller, who all seemed to have stunned expressions on their face too.

Jesse's the last one to leave the room, and before he closes the door behind him, he gives me a look that tells me he doesn't want me to be too hard on Sutter. Well tough shit, because I'm going to be.

When the door clicks shut, Sutter finally lifts his head up and makes eye contact with me. I notice a few more bruises on him now that I can see his whole face. Without my consent, sympathy fills my body because I know he has to be in pain.

"What hurts the worst?" I ask.

"My ego." He responds, cracking a little smile at me. I roll my eyes and fight the urge to hit him myself. Again

"Be serious, please."

"My backs the worst. I think I have some broken ribs or something."

I walk over to where he's sitting on the bed and lift up his shirt, closing my eyes when I see the blue and black taking over his spine, and some red swelling.

"How did this happen?" I ask, almost afraid to know the answer.

"Fucker tackled me into a table." He responds, and I can't help but detect a hint of pride in his voice. I don't have to ask who tackled him, already knowing exactly where he decided to go tonight.

"Why do you sound happy about that?"

He shrugs his shoulders. "It was a good move, its what I would have done too."

I roll my eyes, because he sounds like such a guy. They beat the shit out of each other and then analyze all the good hits?

"A couple of your ribs might be broken since its swelling and red. Does it hurt to breathe?"

     He tries to mask his wince of pain when he takes a deep breathe. "It's bearable, I think I'll be alright."

      "Yeah, but are you gonna be alright if you get sacked during football practice or a game?"

      "I'll just have to deal with it. This was my choice to make."

      I let out a sigh, not even bothering to argue with him anymore, knowing there's no point.

       "Why do you seem like you're mad at me?" He asks.

       "I'm just not a huge fan of solving our issues with fists, not after the way my dad was. And I really don't see why you needed to go and do this, it's not going to change anything."

       "That's not the point, and you know I'm nothing like you dad Lilly." He says, and stands up to walk closer to me, but sits back down when he has to clutch his side in pain.

      My initial reaction is to go to him, but I don't. "Then what was the point? You two just needed to beat the shit out of each for the hell of it?"

      "No, I honestly went over there just to talk to him. But then he said some shit to provoke me, and I just couldn't help myself."

       "What did he say?" I ask, curious and also slightly nervous to hear what was said that would upset him this badly.

       He shakes his head like he doesn't want to say it, but finally comes out with it. "He said something about you being under him and his dick inside you." He can't look at me while he's saying the words and his face is pale, as if it makes him sick to repeat it.

I'm stunned at first, because I can't believe Cross would really say something to him like that, especially about me. I know Sutter though, and I know he's not lying. I also can't say I blame him for getting mad about that, I would have the same reaction if a girl said something about Sutter in that context.

"Well now I can't say I really blame you, I would have been mad too."

He lifts his head up but isn't making eye contact with me. "He said something else too."

My heart drops. "What?"

He looks at me, but his eyes are hiding whatever he's feeling. "He said that he's had feelings for you for a long time, and that you knew about it."

I shrug my shoulders. "Okay, and?"

Sutter's face scrunches up like he can't believe I just said that. "And you didn't think that was something I needed to know?"

"I didn't find out about that until after you left, and that wasn't really the first thing on my mind when you finally came back."

"Okay but you could have told me this when we talked about Cross the other night. That would have been the perfect time to say everything about him that needed to be said, so nothing else would be coming as a surprise to me." He's waving his hands in the air while he talks, and I can tell he's really upset with this situation, but I'm not gonna sugarcoat things for him when it comes to this.

"I was single and he was single. He admitted some stuff to me after we started doing whatever we were doing. But it doesn't have any affect on us or who we used to be, so it's not a big deal."

"But it is a big deal!" Sutter yells, catching me by surprise. "He's part of my fucking family Lilly, he's someone I trusted. He's someone who was around us when we were kids? Someone I didn't think I'd ever have to worry or be jealous of, or compete against."

    "Compete against? There's no fucking competition Sutter! I'm standing here with you, I live in your house, I spend all my time with you trying to fix our relationship. Even when you weren't here and left me, I was still picking you over everything and everyone. Do you not see that?" My voice is loud enough that I'm sure the boys can hear me, but i'm so frustrated with Sutter that I don't even care.

Sutter seems to soften at that, and tries to walk towards me with his arms stretched out, but I hold mine up and back away. Making it obvious that thats not what I want right now.

He sighs and shakes his head, realizing that's not what I want from him right now. "I'm sorry, that's not how I meant it towards you. But to them? Yes, they're competition. Because Denny and Cross can both say that they have never left you in the worst possible time that someone can leave a significant other. And thats something I'm going to have to deal with because that's the mistake I made. You can't blame me for wanting to do everything I can to make sure no one else can take you from me, when they probably deserve you more than I do."

"Why would they deserve me more than you? I was made for you, not them."

He takes two long strides and then he's there, grabbing my cheeks and kissing me with every emotion he must be feeling right now. I can taste copper on my tongue from his busted mouth, but I'm so enthralled with his passion that I can't make myself move away.

He finally pulls back, but just enough to look at me. "Say it again." He whispers.

"I was made for you. And there's nothing that anyone can do to ever change that." I say the words with conviction, so he knows just how much I mean them.

"God I love you." He says on a breath, and leans his forehead against mine. "I was mad as hell when I walked in here, and now somehow you make me feel like I'm floating on air. I don't know how you do it."

I wrap my arms around his neck. "No more fighting, please. It doesn't solve anything, and then I have to look at your hurt face." I run my fingertips over the blue and black marks that are marring his beautiful skin.

I can't help but wonder in the back of my mind, what does Cross look like right now?

"No more fighting." Sutter agrees. "I'm sorry I ruined your girls night."

"That's alright. As long as you're okay, I'm probably gonna head back over there. We were having a really good time together." I feel guilt swell inside me at my words. At the lie I'm telling him.

"Of course baby, I'm sorry for messing up you're night. I promise, no more fights and bullshit. My attention and focus is solely on you and me, no one else."

I smile cheekily at him, "Thats what I like to hear."

I peck his nose and cheeks a couple of times before landing on his lips last. I walk out of Jesse's room and make my way down the stairs, where I see all the guys sitting in the foyer area on a couch.

I give them all a little wave before walking out the door, hearing what I assume is Jesse's footsteps behind me.

"You didn't give him another black eye, did you?" He asks lightly, but I detect some genuine worry in there as well.

"No, but he just might deserve it after acting a fool like that tonight."

"Cut the guy some slack. Can you blame him for being upset?"

"I don't blame him for being upset about what happened, but I do blame him for not controlling his actions better. Sutter knows if he would've stayed, Denny and Cross would have never happened. But there's nothing we can do to change the past."

Jesse just nods silently for a second, but I can tell he wants to say something. "Come on, out with it. I know you have something else to say."

"It's just, can you imagine if you found out that Sutter had sex with your best friend and cousin? Wouldn't that fuck you up too?"

My skin bristles, because I always thought Jesse took my side on this situation, knowing how heartbroken I was when Sutter left me. "Of course. But I would never leave Sutter, no matter what the circumstances were."

"So he dealt with his shit differently than you, so what? You resorted to drugs and sex, he resorted to leaving, making himself better and then coming back to you when he finally felt like he was worthy of you. I know he fucking hurt you, and he should make up for that for the rest of his life. But don't act like what you did was any worse than what he did."

"But I wouldn't have done what I did had he never left in the first place, Jesse! I was always loyal and faithful to him. I made some mistakes after he left, yes. There are so many decisions and mistakes I wish I could take back, but I can't. All Sutter and I can do now is to try and move forward." I'm kinda shocked at Jesse's words and what he's saying to me. I knew he never agreed with what I did when Sutter was gone, but he's never truly voice it the way he is now.

"It's not what you did Lil, it's who you did it with. You had sex with one of Sutter's family members, and his best friend other than you. You have to realize how that looks."

"It looks awful and I know that. And maybe somewhere inside me, I knew it would make Sutter feel like I felt when he left me. But those weren't the main reasons I was them. Especially Cross."

"What was different with Cross?" He asks, and crosses his tanned arms across his chest.

"Don't make me answer that." I plead.

He sighs and shakes his head, then takes a couple steps in my direction and kisses me on the forehead. "I know you've been through a lot kid, and I know it was hard on you. I just don't want you to make the same mistakes twice. I want you to be a better person because of them, and I really think you and Sutter can figure this shit out, if you both really forgive each other and talk about everything. No more hiding and secrets."

I nod my head in agreement, knowing I'm about to create more secrets before the nights over.

"We're all going to the shack later to eat. You should come with the girls if you want." Jesse offers, and walks back into the house when I tell him we probably will.

I get in my car and crank it slowly, thinking hard about what I'm about to do. Nadine's house is a right turn out of Jesse's driveway, and I really hope nobody noticed me turn left.