Chapter 10

Lilly's POV

    It smells like throw up everywhere. I'm outside with Jo while she's bent over in the bushes emptying what sounds like gallons of beer from her stomach. Sutter is pretty drunk too, and he had to move away from her so he wouldn't start throwing up too. Jesse walks over and hands me a bottle of water to give to Jo when she's done vomiting.

    "You know, besides the gross fact that she's out here puking, Jo looks good. She's definitely grown up." Jesse says to me quietly.

    "Don't even think about." Sutter mutters from the other side of the car that he's leaning on. Apparently Jesse didn't say it quietly enough.

    Jo stands up and wipes the back of her hand over her mouth. "When I'm not a complete disaster, I definitely hope you think about it." Her words are so slurred and I can't help but laugh quietly.

    "Alright, thats enough of that. Get your ass in the car." Sutter says and walks over and helps her get into my car.

    Jesse steps closer to me and actually talks low enough so only I can hear him. "You sure you don't mind driving them home? I don't want you to do it if you're uncomfortable."

    "Well you did already bring Sutter to my work where Denny was, so we've already passed the uncomfortable part of things. But I'm sure, I don't mind. I'm happy to see Jo, and they live right down the road from you. You're going out of the way to drop them off."

    He nods his head. "And Denny, when he hears?"

    "He hasn't cared about me in that way the whole time we've been together, you know that. He doesn't get to choose to start now." This is also the first party I've left in a long time where I'm not the one being carried out. And Denny was out at the pool flirting with some freshmen girls, not even paying attention to me.

"I know. Just be careful, alright? I don't want to see you go through what you went through two years ago." He seems shy when he's saying that, and it gives me a warm feeling in my chest.

I lean forward and give him a hug. I waste all this time thinking about the people who don't love me and who left me, and never focus enough on the ones who do love me and never left my side. Jesse is one of those people, and someone I'm thankful for and just never realize it. I make a promise to myself to stop taking those around me who deserve my love and respect for granted.

"Thanks for being here for me." I whisper to him.

"Always Lil. I just want you to be happy."

I sigh and lean back. "And Sutter, what do you think about him?"

"What do I think about him or what do I think you should do about him?" He questions me, obviously knowing what I'm really asking.

I just give him a look and he laughs softly. "I think Sut loves you more than anything, but I also think he fucked up royally, and he shouldn't get off of that too easy. That being said, you and him were both babies yourself having a baby, neither of you understood how to deal with the severity of what you were going through. So be hard on him, but not too hard."

I listen to his words and try to see things from someone else's perspective but my own. It's hard, but I think I'm seeing things in a new way. I nod my head at him, offer him a little smile and then go get in the drivers seat of my car.

    "Everything okay?" Sutter asks me, clearly just seeing the moment Jesse and I just shared.

    "Yeah, it's good." I glanced back at Jo to check on her before we started driving, and she was already slumped over against the window, snoring softly.

    Sutter notices me looking at Jo. "Did everything go okay between you and her?"

    "Yeah, it went better than okay. I was happy to see her, almost felt like she never left." I tell him.

    "Wish it was that way for all of us." He says, and looks out the window, slurring his words.

    I choose to ignore him because I know it'll just turn into another fight, and also because this is the drunkest I've ever seen him, and I'm not sure what he acts like that when he's like that.

    "Denny gonna be mad that you're giving us a ride home?' He asks, still looking out the window.

    "Denny probably didn't even realize I left at all, but he was too busy flirting with some younger girls anyway. He has no reason to be mad at me when he's doing that."

    "So then why are you with him, and why doesn't that bother you?"

    "I tried to tell you he and I didn't have the kind of relationship like what you thought. It's not emotional or anything like that." I try to explain to him again.

    "So why even be together?" He asks, looking away from the window and at me.

    "I don't know, I guess its better than being alone." I tell him honestly.

    "Yeah right, you can lie to anyone, even yourself, but not me. I know being with him wasn't about not feeling alone, because there's no way you're in a relationship like that and you don't feel alone still."

    His all knowing attitude is really starting to piss me off. "Why do you feel like you have to know everything about me? Because you don't."

    "Yes I do," He fires back. "I know everything there is to know about you, I have since we were little. You hate ranch dressing. You love to swim but you also love the snow so you never know which season to pick as your favorite. You love coffee, but only with cream and sugar. When you're mad you get a furrow in between your eyebrows. When you're sad or upset, your closed off and try to get over things without letting people know something is affecting you because you feel like you can't let anyone else in. You wish your parents loved you the way they are supposed to, and like they should, because they have the best daughter and don't even realize it. I know you, and no amount of time away or distance, is ever going to change that. I will always know you, deep down into my bones."

    My hands are shaking on the steering wheel, out of what emotion, I'm not sure. I just wish he wasn't right, and I wish he wasn't able to make me feel all these emotions that I had myself so well closed off from. We pull up in front of their house, and I slam on the brakes and throw the car in the park. I yank my seatbelt off, and then lean over the console so I'm in his space.

    "I know you fucking know, just like I used to know you. I can still tell you all your little quirks and shit too. But what I will never be able to understand or fathom, is why you would ever leave someone when we both know each other the way we do. Three years ago I would have said that you are the most loyal and dependable person I had ever met, now I cant say that because you left me when I needed you!" I yell at him and start sobbing at the same time. "I fucking needed you!" I start slapping his chest and hitting him, hoping to cause him pain the way he caused me.

    But that's the thing about physical pain, it'll eventually lessen up and go away. Emotional pain is there for the long run, and sometimes it'll even get worse before it gets better. There's no medicine or cure for emotional pain, its just something you hopefully learn to live with.

    He grabs my wrists and pulls me over the center console and into his lap, tucking my head into the crook of his neck and shoulder. "I know, and I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry baby."

    He keeps telling me how sorry he is and stroking my hair, letting me cry into him. And I cry so much, more than I have since I can remember. I cry for Annie, and the life she'll never get to experience. I cry for Sutter and I, for the baby we lost that we'll never get to see take her first steps, or walk down the aisle on her daddy's arm. And then I cry for me.

    And all the shit I ever been faced with and all the bad luck that's been thrown my way. I'm only eighteen, and I've already seen and been through more than what some people will never see or experience in their whole life time. Sometimes all of it is so heavy and so overwhelming, I'm not sure how I'll ever be able to carry anything else on my shoulders.

    I'm not sure how long we sit like this, but I finally pull away and wipe my eyes. "Sorry, I shouldn't have done that in front of you." I'm embarrassed I let him see me like that.

    "Hey," He says gently, and grabs my face with his hands the way he used to. "Don't ever be sorry for letting me see how you feel, and what I did to you. It absolutely crushes me every time I see you get upset, but I deserve to see the damage I left behind. It does nothing but assure myself that I'll never be able to leave you again."

    "You cant say things like that." I whisper, and more tears roll down my cheeks. "You can't say those things and then not mean them."

    "I mean them, Lilly." He says in declaration. "I'm never going anywhere else again, not without you."

    "I haven't even decided anything, Sutter. I'm still with Denny, and I still haven't forgiven you."

    He leans his head back against his seat, and takes a deep breath, dropping his hands from my face. "Please don't bring him up right now, not when we're talking about you and I. And about the forgiving thing, I understand that. I'm willing to wait as long as it takes. I just don't want you to shut me out anymore. All I want is to be here for you and to be that person you can lean on whenever you can't take it by yourself anymore."

    I don't think, I just go with my gut. And my guts telling me that he means what he's saying. "Okay."

    "Okay what?" He asks, looking at me with hope in his eyes.

    "Okay, you can be here for me, and we can talk. But anything more is too much right now. We have to take baby steps." I can't believe I'm even agreeing to this, but I cant deny that this feels right. And after just the few talks I've had with him, i've felt better with myself than I have in a long time.

    He looks at me with something that looks a lot like love in his eyes. "I'm happy with whatever you'll give me. But can I make one request?"

    I just nod, wondering what else he could want from me.

    "End things with Denny." He holds his hand up to stop me from interrupting. "Not for me, but for you. I cant deny that it would make me happy too, but I'm saying you need to leave him because he's not good for you. He doesn't care about you the way he should, and you know he would just make a huge deal the whole time you and I are spending time together, even though all we're doing is trying to better ourselves. And I'm not really sure how many times he can get in my face without me killing him."

    "I can promise you that I'll think about it, but thats all I'm offering for now."

    "You would've had my ass back in the day if I was flirting with some younger girls at a party. I hate that even feel like I have to ask permission to speak to you or something because of him, it should never be this way."

     "It wouldn't have been this way if you hadn't done what you did, and I'm sorry to keep saying that but it's true. Also, you and I had a very different relationship and you know that, there's no reason to compare the two."

    He looks upset, but he doesn't push it any further. "One more thing?" He asks instead.

    "Ugh, Jesus what now? You are worse than a girl!" I exclaim, but really my mind is focused on the fact that I'm still sitting on his lap and neither one of us seems in a rush to get me off.

    "I wanna know about the drugs." He says, his face stonelike.

    I blanch, not expecting that to be what he said. "Who told you about that?" I feel like doing nothing more than running away from him now. This isn't something I'm proud of, and not something I ever wanted him to know about.

    "It doesn't matter who told me, I just wanted to know why you would ever do that."

    "Why does anyone do it, Sutter? It was offered to me, and at the time all I wanted was an escape, or a pick me up. I didn't do it everyday or anything like that, but if it was at the parties I was at, I usually did them. It's not like I had anything to worry about losing."

    He looks sad now, his face taking on different emotions so fast I can't keep up. "What did you use?"

    I look down in shame. "Mostly just coke and ecstasy."

    Sutter sits up quickly, and grabs my arms roughly. "Cocaine? You did fucking cocaine, Lilly?"

    The pure emotion is his voice leaves me speechless and all I can do is nod my head.

    "Promise me you will never, never, do that again. You're life is worth more than some stupid ass drug. Do you realize your heart could've exploded if you did too much or got some bad shit?"

    "I know, but at the time I didn't care what happened to me." I admit, sadly.

    "And now you care?" He asks, still not letting go of my arms and never looking away from me. Our faces are the closest they've been in a long time, and I'm reminded of how green his eyes are, and how good they look against his dark, curly hair.

    "More than I have in a long time." For some reason I'm still unsure of. It must be this lifetime connection and pull I have with this guy, nothing else explains it.

    Because when everyone else could've been screaming my name and begging me, the only person I really hear, is him.

    He opens his mouth to say something else, but a groan from Jo in the back stops him. He sighs and turns his head to look at her. "I guess I should get her in the bed so she can sleep this off so our parents don't find out about this."

    I climb off of him and back to my own seat. He opens his door and then opens the back door thats leaning against, barely catching her before she hits the pavement. "Do you need me to help you get her in the house?"

    "No, I should be able to get her. But our talks aren't over, so be ready for more."

    Instead of letting on to how nervous I am at the thought of being alone with him again, I tell him goodnight and drive the remaining distance to my house.

    I walk up the steps to my room quietly, thinking the whole time of how much more I felt sitting on Sutter's lap then I ever do the whole time me and Denny have been having sex. And I know its because it's unattached and without emotion, but love and lust don't always go hand in hand. But I guess after having sex with someone you love, a random screw doesn't really measure up.

    I open up my bedroom door and see my dad sitting on the end of my bed, with a belt laying across his legs.