Chapter 1

Sutter POV- 2 and a half years later...

   Every year on average, there are 130 million babies born. That's over 300 thousand a day. And out of all those babies, only 2,500 of them die every year of SIDS. The number seems so small, compared to how many babies there are that don't die from that. But when I think about the other 2,499 mothers and fathers who have had to go through what Lilly and I did after we lost Annie, that number seems a lot bigger.

   Of all those millions of babies, you never think one of the unfortunate ones is going to be your child. I mean how can it, right?

   Wrong.

   I thought the same thing. Actually, I didn't even think of SIDS, or anything for that matter being wrong with Annie, or happening to her. She was perfect to me. And that's the thing, there was nothing wrong with her. She was healthy, and Lilly and I did everything right. Just one night she went to sleep, and never woke back up. No cause, no explanation, it just..happened.

Well there was an explanation, but not one that made any sense to me, or made anything better.

   It took a long time for me to come to terms with the fact that I had a baby and lost her. I was only fifteen at the time, a child myself. I'm only eighteen now, barely an adult. I didn't know how to understand or process what the hell had just happened to me, or to Lilly. And especially what happened to my little Annie. All I knew was that it hurt, like nothing in this world has ever hurt before. And I don't think there's anything that could ever top that hurt. You're empty, numb. The inside of your body and your heart feel black, because you have no happy thoughts, no positive feelings. I was consumed by loss, grief, and guilt for something that I had no control over.

   So when my dad suggested we move to a town two hours away, I agreed without a second thought. I know, it was the cowards way out. But like I said, I was only fifteen, I didn't think anything else about it. All I knew was that I thought it would be easier for me.

   No more having to see the prying eyes, and pity smiles. No more having to see Lilly cry herself to sleep every night, without eating, without talking or smiling all day. No more having to walk by the nursery door every time I had to walk to my bedroom and realize that it was empty, and it would never be filled again.

   Sitting Lilly down and telling her we were leaving was almost impossible for me to do. She lived with my family, because hers didn't approve of two fifteen year olds having a baby together. At first, my father didn't either, but when my mother suggested that he would look like a compassionate man to the town for taking in a young pregnant girl carrying his grandchild, he of course agreed. Anything to help his image. Anything to bring in the extra votes.

   It wasn't like Lilly lived far, she was literally in the house next door to ours. The only thing that separates our houses is a few acres of land. So when she told her parents that she wasn't getting an abortion like they had suggested, they kicked her out, which led her into my home. My mother loved it honestly, she was the kind of woman who loved to have a full house of people. She lived to take care of others, and it didn't hurt either that she had known and loved Lilly since she was five years old.

    But telling Lilly we were leaving meant she would have to move back home with her family. Her mother wasn't so bad, especially after the baby passed away. She probably would have let Lilly stay with the baby if it hadn't been for her asshole Dad. Lilly's Dad was a CEO of a major textile company and like mine, all he cared about was his work and his image. And how fast he could get to the bottom of another bottle. Having a baby around the house meant more responsibilities and money being spent, and he wasn't having it. Honestly how the man was ever even a father to Lilly was beyond me. My dad was an ass too, but there was a time before he was Mayor that he would play with my sister and I. Take us fishing at the lake, pull us behind a four wheeler on a sled in the snow, take us for ice cream, read us bedtime stories. He had been the Dad every kid dreams of having, but then work happened. And he changed.

    When I first got the words out and told her we were leaving, she didn't look up at me. So I repeated myself. "Lilly, my dad has taken a new position in a town a couple of hours away, he thinks he's a shoe in for Mayor, so we're going to be leaving in a couple of days. I know it seems last minute, and for that I'm sorry. But I needed to let you know so you could figure out if you were moving back home or not."

   She finally looks up at me and her eyes are shining. "Home? You're my home. Not in that house with those people who could care less about me. You've been my home since I was five years old."

   "I know Lilly, you're my home too. But I've got to go with my family, and I think it would be best if you stayed here. My dad doesn't want to bring any baggage with us to our new place, he said anything that could cost him votes has to stay behind." Yeah, I actually said those fucked up words to her.

   "Baggage? Is that what I am to you? Not your girlfriend or the mother of your child, but baggage? And you can honestly just leave me behind so easily, after we've been in each others lives for ten years?" She's now full on crying, and my heart aches for her, but I'm mad for some reason at what she said.

   "You were the mother of my child, but our baby is gone now. You no longer have that title. This is going to be a big change for me too, but it needs to happen." My words are flat, my face emotionless. Because that's how I feel on the inside.

   Lilly doesn't even speak, her mouth just falls open and she backs away from me as if I've slapped her. I regret my words, but there's no taking them back now. I'll say whatever I have to so she knows she needs to stay here, that it's better for her than being with me anymore.

   "So anyway like I was saying, we're leaving in a couple of days. So you need to get the arrangements ready with your folks so they know you're coming back. You're not coming with us, so I assume that's the only other place you have to go." I tell her one last time, to make sure I'm clear about her not coming with us. Somehow, I felt like seeing her heartbroken would hurt worse than not seeing her at all.

   She doesn't speak right away but just looks away, tears still rolling down her face. Finally she turns back to me. "I know what happened was painful beyond words, and I know you're hurting because I am too. But please don't push me away. Let me be here for you, and you be here for me. I need you more than anything right now because you're the only one who knows what I'm going through, knows what I'm feeling. How can you not see that?"

   "You be here for me? Lilly you've barely said two fucking words since Annie's funeral." This is the first time anyone has said her name since that night we found her, and Lilly flinches away from me again. "How can you be here for me when you're not even here in your own head? You don't eat, you hardly sleep, and when you talk it's like the words are being forced out of you. So sorry if I don't want to rely on a robot to help me with my fucking grief!" I yell at her. I never yell or cuss at her. Even when we get into an argument, we don't yell, and i've never used those words around her before either.

   "It's barely been two weeks Sutter! I haven't even had time to really process what has happened. I don't know how to deal with this, this isn't something that anyone can have a damn hand book about. My heart is breaking every single day without her, and I'm sorry if you think I've pulled away from you but I don't know how to act right now!" She has no trouble yelling back, but it's not like I don't deserve it. And she's right, we don't know how to deal with this. And that's why I'm leaving. I have to find some other way to make it through life, because right now I'm not even sure i'll make it otherwise.

    "I know Lil, and that's why I'm leaving. This is something neither of us has any idea about, and being around you right now only makes me feel worse. And I'm tired of feeling like this. I can't take it anymore. Everytime I look at you, I see her." My voice seems to soften but I know my words still lash at her heart.

    "And you think up and leaving to some random town is going to make everything better? You think that's gonna help you forget about what happened here? Because if you think for one second that you won't see us everytime you close your eyes, you're wrong." She asks me.

   "I don't know if it will or not. But I have to try anything. I'm willing to do whatever it takes."

    "If you really leave Sutter, at a time like this, I won't be here when you decide to come back. Because we both know you will at some point. This is your home, you have other family members here. Other things that connect you to this town. But if you stay, and we get through this together, I'll never leave your side and I promise I'll do whatever I can to help your through this too. I need you, and I'm begging you not to go." Her voice is so full of assurance, that I know she's telling the truth. But it's too late, I've made up my mind. And nothing she can say will change that.

    "I'm sorry Lilly, I wish it could happen that way. But I am leaving, and if I ever do come back, it won't be to be with you. Whatever we had, died that night in the room with Annie. I just don't think there's any coming back from that. Not for us." I let out my last and final blow, and I know she won't say anything else now. She doesn't look at me, doesn't speak to me. She just walks around me and goes up the stairs.

    Two days later, there's a moving van and some workers getting her stuff loaded up to go back home to her parents. I'm standing in the spacious living room and I see her walk down the stairs. We make eye contact, but she doesn't smile at me. Doesn't have any emotion on her face, because like me, she too is empty inside. But I have to at least tell her goodbye. Used to when we would see each other, we'd both light up and instantly smile or walk towards each other, we always needed to be near one another. We had so much love shared between us. Now it's just void.

She takes her last step down, and we continue to look at each other. "Goodbye Lilly." I tell her, and feel a lump form in my throat. No matter what I said, this will always be the girl I love. I just don't know how to show it anymore, but I know with everything inside of me, I will always feel it. When feelings are this strong, they never go away. No matter how hard you wish them away.

She doesn't even offer me a verbal response, she just nods her head and walks out the door. And that's the last time I see Lilly Matthews for two and half years.

My family packed up and moved a week and a half later, and I never spoke to her or saw her the whole time I was gone. I was always tempted to look her up on social media, but I didn't. I figured if I saw she was happy while I was still broken, that would just make things worse on myself.

   The first year was the hardest. Finally my mom was able to convince me to go to therapy and talk to someone. And getting everything off of my chest actually helped. After two sessions a week for six months, I was finally able to accept that what happened wasn't my fault, and it wasn't Lilly's fault. It wasn't anyone's fault. It was just a terrible thing that happened to us, and something we would have to learn to cope with if we wanted to continue on living a content life. I told my therapist everything I said to Lilly on the day we left, and she told me she thought maybe I was putting my blame and feelings on her, because I didn't know where else to put them. And she was right. I always thought seeing her upset was what made me upset, or feel worse. But it wasn't. That was just part of the grief, and learning how to deal with it without being self destructive.

   After realizing this, I was consumed with guilt all over again, but this time it was about how I treated Lilly. The last day we talked I said some things that a person can never take back. She asked me to stay and be there for her, and I refused. Like me, she just needed someone to help her sort out all the emotions that were waging inside of her. And it was then that I decided Lil was the strongest person I knew, because while it took me over a year to realize this, it took her only two weeks.  

    The moving van pulls away from the house we've stayed in these past couple of years, with my parents driving it and I see my sister walk over to my car and get in the passenger seat out of the corner of my eye. I take one last look at the house, and walk over to my car as well.

   Five minutes later the car is cranked and we're heading down the interstate to our next stop. Our old home. The only house that will ever feel like home to me, because of the girl who lives next door. I miss Lilly so bad it makes me ache in my chest, but I know I needed that time to realize some things and get myself together. I needed to be a better person to deserve her. And I'm sure if I had said it that way to her those years ago, she wouldn't hate me. But I'm positive she does, and I rightly deserve it. The way I left, was the worst way I could have possibly ended things with her. I never even told her how much I loved her. It didn't matter that I was only fifteen, I would love her the same even if I was eighty-five.

   But I'm banking on the fact that Lilly has been the sweetest and most selfless person I've ever met in my whole life, and I'm praying she'll be able to forgive me for the way things happened between us. I'm almost sure she will, because that's just the type of person she is. But this time I'm going to earn it, and be deserving of her forgiveness.

   I didn't realize just how ready to see her I was until recently. I found myself wondering what she was doing, and how school was going for her. And then there were days when she was all I thought about. The whole time I was gone, there was never anyone else for me. Sure I made friends who were girls, but that's all they ever were to me. The one time I tried to be with a girl that wasn't Lil, I spent the whole time comparing her to Lilly. She didn't smell the same, her hand wasn't the same size as hers, where it fit perfectly in mine, her eyes weren't a light grey color, she didn't have blonde curly lhair. And when I kissed her, she didn't light up my world to the point where it took my breath away, it just felt like my lips were pressed against another persons lips.

    "So are you going to see her?" My sister Jo asks me, almost as if she knows what I was thinking.

    "I plan on it obviously. I'm just not sure how to go about it. The last time we spoke..well you know. It didn't go so good." Jo is only 18 months younger than I am, so her and Lilly were always close friends growing up. When my family left, I wasn't the only one to lose her. And she didn't only lose me either. My mother and Jo were both upset with me for a long time after leaving Lilly behind, they didn't understand how I coud leave behind the other half of me.

I had to explain to them though, the half that was me was no longer there. And I had to get him back before I lost her entirely.

   "Yeah, you messed up. We've all established that. But you were going through hell and you just dealt with it in the worst possible way. You just need to explain all of that to her and hope she forgives you." Jo and my mom both know how hard it's been on me lately not seeing Lilly. When you go from seeing someone everyday since you were five years old, to cold turkey absolutely no communication, it takes a serious toll on you. It did for me anyway, as if I already wasn't going through enough.

I did it to myself though, and pride kept me from reaching out to her for a while, but I knew there was no way I could go any longer without seeing her. So when I told my mom and Jo I was going to go back to see her, and graduate with the kids I had grown up with, my mom told my dad she wasn't givng him an option, we were all going back.

And suprisingly enough, my dad agreed. He retired form being Mayor and said he was ready for an easier desk job, and spending more time with his family.

He and I have had to slowly work up to any sort of relationship, after the way he acted the night we lost Annie. If he had never come forward and apologized to me, with tears streaming down his face, I'm not sure I ever would have spoke to him again.

     "Yeah Jo, I know. And I'm going to talk to her. But it's been over two years. I don't even know what life is like there anymore. What her life is like. I mean I've talked to a couple of guys here and there, so I know nothing detrimental has happened or they'd tell me, but it's not the same as seeing her for myself." My heart picked up rhythm at just the thought of seeing her again.

    "You love her Sutter, we all do. And there's no way that you two aren't meant to be together, despite what happened. We'll just have to figure it all out when we get there." And nothing else was said on the ride there.

    Ninety minutes later, we're pulling into our old driveway, and I'm so close to Lilly it feels like my heart has already softened a little bit. I don't know what things will be like when I see her, but I do know I'll do whatever it takes to make things right with her again.

Out of habit, I look down the road in the direction of her house. For a second I almost decide to go see her now, not being able to wait another second. But I know I need to get things settled here and figured out for myself before I do that, that way all my time and attention can be used to try and get her back to me.

A/N So when he describes Lilly the person I like to picture in my head is Anne Winters! She played "Chloe" on the new season of 13 Reasons Why! Of course y'all can picture whoever you want, that's just who I like to see (;