Part Eight

A fierce wind whistled through the early morning grass which had been littered with a cold dew. Bluebells swayed but stayed strong against the gails, not daring to break and fall but demanding they kept their place, centre stage on the set of flower beds. I brought my knees up to my chin, embracing them as i became even smaller and seemed to shrink in my own skin.

With a lack of sleep and tired from travelling it was a fight with my eyelids to stop myself from falling asleep. I'd told Nathan i was going to sleep and when i'd convinced him i would be okay he left me and went to his bed, leaving both his bedroom door and the living room door open in case i needed him. 

Truth was, i felt like i did. There was nothing i'd have liked more than to wake him up and ask him to sit with me so i didn't feel so alone but my lacking confidence stopped me. I felt like i'd stopped him from doing too much already and taking his sleep from him would be cruel.

The urge to cut grew with each passing minute. I'd checked and he only had one razor which i guessed he'd need and would notice if i melted away the plastic and slipped out the metal. I'd forgotten to pack mine in the break from my troubled state. I think for a moment i thought that everything was going to be okay for a while but as soon as the sun broke through my heavy clouds it disappeared again, leaving me with less than i had before.

Before i had a house, friends, an education. Amy beat me, yes but i guess somewhere deep down i figured she did it because she loved me in the cruelest sense of the emotion. I hadn't even told my friends, how could i begin to explain that i'd run two hours away with my sisters boyfriend? Packed up my stuff and just left without a whisper of good bye to them, the people i adored most. I wouldn't finish my GCSEs and I wouldn't get to go to prom. Not that Amy would have let me, or given me the money for a dress.

Max was the only one left now, the only real family i had and he wasn't even that. Life with my mum had always been difficult - to say the least - but when she'd met Darren, Max's dad that all changed. Max became my soldier, he stood by me when i needed a friend, in front of me when i needed protecting and two steps behind me when i needed guidance.

He was the best step brother i could have wished for. When mum first told Amy and I we were going to have a step dad and brother i thought my world was about to fall apart. I thought mum would love Max more than me because she didn't have a son of her own and now she did. Max was apprehensive at first, reluctant to move his stuff from his father's flat to our 3 bedroom house.

Amy and I had to share and Max took my old room until he moved out at 20 to go to London for his career. That's when Amy got even more aggressive. Before Max left he'd almost always be around unless he was seeing his friends or at the hospital. 

Darren was out getting drunk or at the hospital too, leaving Amy and me alone for her to take out all her anger and grief on me. It was never like that before. Before mum was ill we were a normal, if slightly odd family. Me being the youngest, Amy in the middle and Max, the eldest brother.

I was worried about telling him about Amy because i know he loves her as much as he loves me and i guess he may struggle to believe that all this beating and pain was going on and he didn't get a chance to stop it. No-one could. I was too scared to say anything in case i wasn't believed and Amy found out and hurt me more.

The walls in Nathan's apartment were bare expect for one large canvas of him and the rest of the boys on their All Time Low video shoot, each smiling cheesily even though they'd been up for nearly 24 hours. They were young, naive to the fame that awaited them in their not so distant futures.

After blinking a few times i noticed the room was a little lighter than it had been when i last looked out of the window, so shuffled closer to it lifting my hand to rest on the cool glass. It invited me closer, without a presence the outside lured me in. Whispering through the wind that battered off the glass, telling me to join the early morning purity. The clock read 6:30. I'd somehow managed to stay up all night and catch the sunrise. 

As quick as i knew, it was hanging in front of me. This big burning ball of gas brought me so much happiness. It signified a new day, i could wipe the slate clean. I would apologise to Nathan, i'd call my friends and explain and i'd see when Max was free to meet up. Yes. Today was my opportunity to change the broken, dark and winding path i seemed to be stuck on for years now. Now was finally the time for the light at the end of this tunnel. 

It wasn't the end. Nowhere near. It was only the beginning and the thought grew like a ball of energy, slipping down from my brain, to my lips where a smile formed and then my stomach where i felt warm and happy.

Today, i'd stop cutting. Today i'd be happy. Today i'd stop wanting to end my life. Today, things would be different.