LIX

Jackie's POV:

God, I wish he didn't remember.

It'd be easier that way, I think.

My eyes dart away from his for a second. Just long enough for his words to really sink in. Just long enough for me to think about what's about to happen. Just long enough to really absorb the sensation of his palms pressed against my cheeks. Then they're back on his, blue burning into green as it has so many times before. And we're just looking at each other. Just waiting on each other. Just wishing the we felt the same about each other. Just wishing and hoping and waiting and needing each other.

My hands drop from his torso to my sides instantly, my hands brushing the denim of my jeans. Our only point of contact is his fingertips and palms pressed to either side of my face. My heart drops with my hands, a nervous hollowness taking its place immediately. My fingers tingle. My head aches. My pulse quickens. And I feel a shift in our friendship. A shift in our symbiotic stability that saved us countless times before.

Ashton, the name that has been synonymous with relief and comfort and sanity and kindness. Ashton, that is now synonymous with potential heartbreak.

I don't know what to say. So I don't say anything. But I know what's coming. I feel his curly hair brush my forehead as he leans in. I feel his breath fan my face. I feel his nose barely touch mine. But most of all I feel his need for me. That invisible and yet real-as-anything feeling, tugging at me like a nagging child pulls on the hem of your shirt. Just tugging at me, telling me this is right, and this is how it's supposed to happen, and that maybe, just maybe, this is fate. Maybe this right here, right now is what you've been waiting for all along. Maybe you just didn't know it before now.

Only it's not a nagging child. It's my subconscious. And I know that.

And so I think about letting this happen. Seeing where it goes. Letting him kiss me. Kissing him back. But then my mind goes to the brown-haired, full-of-life, strong-willed, laughter-filled boy that I love.

At that thought I know that I can't let this happen. At the thought of Calum's smile I exhale. At the thought of the way his eyes crinkle at the corners when he laughs I pull my face away from Ashton's. At the thought of how Calum looks at me with nothing but adoration and love clouding his brown eyes I grit my teeth and turn my head away fractionally. At the thought of how Calum's touch sends wave after endless wave of electricity through me I step away from my best friend.

And before I know it a decision is made. "No." I squeak. It burns coming from my mouth. Like vodka - sour on my throat and painful in my chest.

His hands drop from my face all at once and I feel colder than before at the absence of his touch.

"I mean, I can't - " I start, taking another step back but he cuts me off angrily.

"Yeah, I know Calum." he says through gritted teeth, shutting off the music that's still playing via his phone. I inhale, knowing that he's about to tell me what I've ached to hear - an explanation,  "You know, I realized something, Jackie. I realized that you're going to choose him over me. And I realized that I can't wait for you forever, no matter how much I love you. No matter how much I wish you loved me the way I love you. No matter how much I wish you were in love with me like I am you." he breathes in a rush. I look up at his eyes and I see them getting glossy. My hand starts to move to the side of his face but I force it back to my side as he continues, "But I know you're not. And I know you'll never be." I open my mouth to disagree. To tell him that I don't know that and neither does he. To tell him that maybe someday I will love him in that way. To tell him that neither of us is capable of predicting the future. But I force myself to listen as he continues, "So as much as it hurts and as horrible as it feels I have to try and get over something that never even existed." he inhales sharply, clarifying his earlier statement. And just like when I felt his curls brush the flesh of my face, I know what's coming. But I don't want to hear it. I feel the ache expand within me as he speaks again, "Us."

Did we never exist? Those nights of confessions and tears felt pretty damn real. We existed. Just not like he wanted us to. But he's right. I know he is. I know that he needs to distract himself. If for nothing more than his own sanity. And that only makes it hurt more.

"That's all Alice is - a distraction. I don't even like her." he scoffs, "She's a total bitch. But I'm going crazy. I mean, I was here, Jackie." his voice cracks and it's like I'm cracking, too. Like if he says anything else I'll shatter into a million pieces and dissolve into nothingness.

I know what he means. Because I feel the exact same way about seeing him with Alice - how can you choose them over me when I was the one who stayed up with you all night long because your heart was breaking? How can you choose them over me when I've been here all along? When I was the one to tell you everything would be alright, even when I wasn't really sure it would be? But I don't know the answer to any of those questions. I don't think he does, either. Maybe that's why this all feels so gray in an otherwise black-and-white world.

I've never felt as if I were choosing between Ashton and Calum, but on some level I feel like Ashton chose between me and Alice. Maybe he felt like he had to.

"She is a bitch." I laugh lightly, trying to lighten the mood, and he mirrors my laughter gracefully, "But I'm still here. I'll always be here." I say with a nod, pushing back tears.

"You're already gone." he practically whispers.

I look up at him again. He's biting his lip, holding back words. Maybe tears, too. His face is flushed, his eyes threatening to spill with emotion and I want nothing more than to alleviate his discomfort. But I don't know how. I don't know how to fix this. I don't know if I can fix this.

I've seen him this way before. On the verge of breaking down. On the verge of total self destruction. But knowing that I'm the cause makes it so much worse. Makes it sting so much more. Makes it unbearable.

"You're wrong." I shrug my shoulders, "I'll never leave you like this." I bite down on my lip to keep myself from crying. My teeth dig into my lip so hard that I worry about drawing blood. But maybe bleeding would make me feel more alive because I feel like I'm dying as I say, "Because I know how much it hurts." I mentally scold myself for not being able to get through more than once sentence without needing to calm myself down, "And believe me when I tell you, Ash, you're hurting me by leaving me like this." Another breath, "So, no, you're wrong. I'll always be here. Always." I take a deep breath, willing my voice to be steady, "I never left. I'll never leave."

I pause and I don't know why, really. Maybe I'm waiting for him to say that he knows. That he misses me like I miss him. But he doesn't say anything. So I start again, "Do you realize how few people I have left, Ash?" I gesture dramatically around me, "I have my mom who hates me. I have my brother who can't stand to live in this fucking city anymore, let alone live around me. I have my dead dad. I have Calum. And I have you." I stick out a finger as I count, each one representing a person. I retract my digits save one, the one that represents Ashton, "You're the only one who was there for so long. You're the one that I need and I know you need me, too. We need each other. Why can't you see that? How have you lost sight of that?" I whisper the last questions.

His mouth's open. And I'm hanging onto the curve of his lips, waiting for him to say something. I'm on the brink of tears at the almost-words that are formed in his mind but not his mouth. 

I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket and I pull it out with a frustrated huff, slamming the annoying device onto the dresser that Ashton's leaned against. It floats across the surface with each vibration, and Ashton's eyes focus in on it.

"Ignore it." I say, urging him to continue our discussion.

"Cal, huh? Speak of the devil." he says wryly, looking at the screen. I'm reaching out to decline the call and halt the distraction as his hand moves to it and he touches the green button, answering it. I try to stop him but I'm not fast enough.

"Hey," I hear Calum's voice through the line.

"Ash," I try to get the phone from him but his fingers wrap around my wrist as I reach for it, gently holding me away as he speaks, "Jackie?" I hear Calum ask and Ashton grimaces.

"It's Ashton." he mutters into the phone, "Sorry to disappoint."

I don't hear what Calum says next but I guess it's not what Ashton wanted to hear. "Okay, look, you think you can you give us one fucking minute?" he growls protectively into the phone.

"Be nice." I tell him, smirking at his attitude as I cross my arms in surrender.

"Hey, you don't need to - " I hear Calum start, but Ashton cuts him off.

"One fucking minute!" he yells this time and the smirk falls from my face as I flinch at his sudden volume. "Seriously, I haven't been alone with her in fucking forever so just give us a second before you interrupt like you always do." he rambles angrily.

"Let me talk to Jackie." I hear Calum say sternly and at an equally loud volume through the phone.

"I'm not going to do anything." Ashton breathes, running a hand through his hair exasperatedly, "I won't try anything either, if that's what you're worried about." him and I both cringe at that. He already tried, and I already pulled away, I think to myself, crisis averted, I suppose.

"I'm fine." I yell to Calum.

I hear a distorted "Tell her to call me." on Calum's part.

"Sure." Ashton scoffs, hanging up.

"Why are you so mean to him?" I ask seriously.

"Because." he states with a shrug of his shoulders like it's the most obvious thing in the world. Like it's the most useless and time-wasting question that's ever been asked.

"Because, why?" I push for clarification.

"Because you need to be careful." the boy with the green eyes that hold so much of my past tells me. His voice is lower now, more relaxed, less threatened.

"With what?" I ask, shaking my head.

"Him." he nods to the phone, "And yourself."

"Quit being so damn cryptic." I complain, scrunching my nose, "Say what you mean."

"I mean I see you tearing yourself apart." he says, his voice raising an octave.

"I'm not." I protest stubbornly.

"Yeah, 'cause this year's been just grand for you, hasn't it?" he points out, raising his arms exaggeratedly.

"Okay, so?" I give in.

"So there's not going to be anything left soon." he sighs, his arms returning to his sides, "And whatever is left will be taken by him. And it's killing me to watch it. I can't sit here and watch you fall in love with him when I know he's just gonna hurt you. So be careful. Don't let him damage you beyond repair."

"Mm." I mutter, not because I agree with him necessarily but because I don't really know what else to say.

"I'm serious." he repeats and his eyes meet mine. And all at once I'm brought back to that day on the bench at school right after Calum and I had met. I'm brought back to him telling me what a dangerous person Calum is. How he'll fuck me over just like every other girl. How I'll be no different. How I didn't believe him. How I still - naive as it may be - don't believe him. Maybe it's because Calum hasn't given me a reason to yet. If that's the case, when he does give me a reason it'll hurt ten times worse.

"What do you think he's going to do, Ash?" I ask quietly. I don't really want to hear the answer to that. I don't want to anticipate the what-if's of Calum and my relationship. I don't want to taint it.

"What I would never do." he returns my stare and I feel the breath leave my lungs, "Break you."

I nod and swallow, willing the air back into my chest. Willing myself to just breathe.

"Why does this feel like goodbye?" I think aloud.

"I don't know." he replies, looking down at me. Somehow I know that he knows how I feel. I know he knows how much I need him. He just doesn't care. At least for the time being.

"You know, it's not fair." I tell him.

"What's not?" he chuckles.

"This all or nothing bullshit that you're pulling on me right now." I laugh but it hurts. It hurts in a way that makes me wish that it would all just be over. That we could just go back to being best friends.

"I know." he says, seriousness filling his irises, "But the nothing in 'all or nothing' hurts like hell, too."

"I miss you." I breathe, staring down at my feet.

"I miss you, too." he admits aloud and my heart skips a beat, relief flooding my veins yet again that he hasn't forgotten about me altogether, that he still thinks about me, that I haven't been completely replaced by Alice, that he hasn't completely removed me from his mind in some attempt to relieve his pain, "More than you know. But it hurts too much to see you with him."

"I love you." I tell him, tears threatening again as I shake my head from side to side, disbelief clouding my  thoughts. Disbelief at how much I love him. More than anything. I'd do anything for him. And as I think about how much I love the boy standing before me I think back to that night at the beach house when Calum told me that love makes even the sanest people go mad. He was right. Or maybe I was never sane to begin with.

"And I'm madly in love with you." he says, a smile playing on his lips, "Crazy in love with you." he adds, shaking his head to match mine.

"It's only me. You don't love me." I deny his proclamation.

"Yeah," he sighs, "it's only you." My mind goes back to what I was thinking on the drive here. About how he's so much more than 'only Ashton' to me. How I'm probably more than 'just Jackie' to him.

"But can't we just go back to how things used to be?"

"Maybe. But for now I need to be distracted. And right now I don't know how to be just friends with you." he says, sadness clouding his eyes.

"I'll see you on the other side, yeah?" I ask, the tears finally making their appearance.

"Always." he smiles and I start full-on crying.

"I really love you." I repeat, wrapping my arms around him. I hold him and I cry as I have so many times before. And he holds onto me, rubbing circles into my lower back as he has so many times before.

"Now go be with your boyfriend." he says numbly, smoothing my hair as he pulls away after a few minutes.

He leans down and kisses my forehead. And I let him. One of his hands on the side of my face, the other holding onto my hand with such desperation and want that it makes me think twice about everything. Makes me question my decisions.

But I can't question myself. Not about this.

"Call me when you're done with this stupid best-friend-hiatus shit." I giggle through the tears. "I'll be waiting." I add.

"I know you will." he replies.

I wait for more. But nothing more comes. So I turn, the heels of my chuck taylors digging into the carpet as I spin. And I leave, knowing that I'll have to wait for him. Knowing with every ounce of my body that I'll miss him more than anything until that day comes. Knowing that he needs to be distracted for now. And hoping more than anything that someday things'll go back to the way they were.

As my feet carry me away from him I repeat a thought to myself, a never ending variation between 'It'll be okay', and, 'God, this hurts' And I play the mental memory of his lips pressing against my forehead over and over.

And I wonder if it could hurt any more than this. I don't think so.

A/N: Heyyyyy! How was your Christmas/New Years?

This just passed 7000 reads. That's so unbelievably amazing. Honestly, thank you so much for reading!

And of course, thank you for your votes and comments, I really appreciate them! Keep it up, please! :)