Bad dreams

1 year later.

Everything is pitch black, you can't see anything, it's like you're stuck in this empty void of emptiness. Everywhere you look the darkness has consumed everything.. Suddenly a bright shining light blinds you. You slowly try to open back up your eyes.. And then you see him.

Thanos.

He stands right in front of you with that dark twisted smile on his face. You try to run away, but you're not moving at all. As you look down at the ground your legs are stuck, sucked into the void. You scream in terror as he walks towards you with slow heavy footsteps. You close your eyes trying to think of anything, but there's nothing. All you hear is the loud echoing of each footstep he takes towards you.

You feel a sharp pain to your abdomen, forcing your eyes to open. Watching as Thanos stabs you over and over again. You're screaming at the top of your lunges, feeling how the weight of the world seems to crumble around you. All you can see is Lokis face as he stand behind him, watching over you in fear, before disappearing into dust. And you could do nothing to stop it..

"Y/n wake up!"

You turn around as you the echoing sound of Natashas voice. It gets louder, and louder, and louder. Until your eyes flash open. Hyperventilating.

"Hey.. hey. You're okay I've got you" Natasha says softly, sitting by your side, holding you close to her.

You cry uncontrollably, pulling up your shirt, running your hand run over you abdomen..

"It was just a bad dream okay? You're safe now" Natasha assures you.

You turn to look at her, gasping violently for your breath. "It wasn't just a dream.. it was memory" you choke out.

Natasha sighs deeply, hugging you tighter, trying to pick you up piece by piece. "I know.. but it can't hurt you anymore" she smiles, wiping away the tears on your cheeks. You rest your head against her chest, sobbing.

If just this had been the first time, if you knew that it was just a dream, that you could wake up and be safe in your own bed again. But it wasn't it, it was so much more than that. It was a memory of what happened to you. And the only place you could go to escape it, has now become a prison as well. Replaying those exact moments in your head over and over.

You did everything in your power to try and think of something else. You and Natasha held weekly meetings, trying to find out what there was to be done. And although a whole year has passed you refused to give up hope, right now this was the only thing distracting you from reality.

Everyone left, tried their best to start over, expecting you and Natasha to do so as well. If everybody moves on, then who's gonna do this.

Natasha was your rock, she didn't try to pity you, or force some diagnosis  down your throat, like Steve or literally anybody else.. they were all convinced you suffered from PTSD, depression or anything for that matter.

They couldn't live with the fact that maybe you just couldn't move on. And you couldn't deal with the fact that you had to.

Steve had asked you and Natasha if you wanted to donate some stuff for the people that struggled economically after losing income. Natasha said it would be a good way to clean out some of the bad memories out of your home. So you agreed, as long as you didn't have to speak to him.

You open up your closet, taking a deep breath as you start sorting out your clothes. It was easy for you to get rid of most of your stuff. There is very few thing you have an emotional connection to, that way it was easier moving around. And what would you need a fancy dress for now either way.. You didn't want to go out.

You notice a shirt that's been pushed deep inside the back of the closet. You reach in, gently folding it out. Your heart skips a beat. An off white Asgardian cotton shirt, definitely not your size. It was His. He must have left it at the tower once and Tony took it with him along with the rest of your stuff. You close your eyes, as you put it over your sports bra, slowly closing each button. There was no trace of him ever wearing it, but you knew he had. And that was more than enough.

You sit on the floor, grabbing the collar of the shirt, smelling it. The only scent lingering onto it was you..

You reach up to the top shelf, standing on the tip of your toes, when you feel something pushed deep inside. You grab your chair, placing it right in front of the closet. You take out a large box. Sitting down on the carpet, as you take of the lid. You didn't remember this box. It was a bunch of old newspapers. Why would you have saved them?

The truth behind avenger y/n Jones.How a mass murderer ended up as teen girls idol.

Guilty or innocent?Y/n Jones.

THE TRUE AVENGERSHow did SHIELD allow two assassins to be the protectors of our people?

The monster behind the surface.The story of y/n Jones.

Y/N JONES ON THE RUN.A life in the shadows.

THE TRUE MONSTER

  MONSTER

        MONSTER

                 MONSTER

It was plastered everywhere... that word. There were countless of articles about who you truly were. And the more you read the more you remembered everything you had given up to save this country. The people.. and they all saw you as one thing. A monster.

You turn you head around, as there's a gentle knock on the door. Natasha stand with her head tilting softly, looking down at the mess you've made 

"What is that?" She asks, walking to you. Kneeling down beside you, looking through the different papers. "Oh god y/n" she sighs..

"This is what people see me as Nat" you say quietly... "like every good thing I've ever done doesn't count just because I did something wrong.. I knew what I did was wrong.. but I did it for good reasons. I just wanted to help" you explain.."But once people start to see you as a monster they'll never stop"

"Don't say that" Natasha says firmly, grabbing onto your hand. "You're not a monster y/n"

"Maybe I am"

"No you're not!"

"Maybe I am"

Natasha shakes her head. "You didn't see me as a monster" she says sadly, looking deeply into your eyes. "I have as much blood on my hands as you do. And never. Not once have you treated me any different.. treated Loki any different" she says softly.

"I know.." you sigh.

"How many articles do you think you could find calling him a murder.. a monster.. a terrorist?" Natasha questions. "Probably thousands" she answers. "And never once have you treated him any different.. you don't judge people on their worst mistakes.. you didn't with me"

"I just-" you stutter. "It's like there's this knot in my chest.. and it just grew bigger and bigger..  filled with remorse and guilt.. and then Thanos happened, and sure that made it worse but.. it's always been there. One day it's gonna choke me.." you open up.. "it shouldn't hurt this badly to exist.. every where I go I see Loki, and every time I close my eyes i replay it over and over. Like if I could have done anything differently maybe he would be here today.. I just-" you trail off.. "I just feel like I'm never gonna be happy again. Not truly"

"You will.. Maybe not today.. or tomorrow. Maybe not even in a year. But someday you'll be happy again y/n" Natasha assures you. Holding tightly onto your hand. She looks down at your body, gently tilting her head. "Is that?"

You nod your head softly, as you put your hands up in the sleeves of the shirt.

"Does it still smell like him?"

"Not anymore" you sigh.. "The only memory of him is in my head.. and even that has been ruined"

"Tell me about him" Natasha says. You look up at her raising your brows. Never before had the avengers truly shown interest in your relationship with him.

"Really?" You ask softly.

"Yeah.. tell me why you're so crazy about this man" she smiles.

"Well.. ehm. My mother used to work at the palace as a maid, and since I was just a child I couldn't be alone so she always took me with her. And one day I was sitting in the garden when the princes approached me, I was absolutely starstruck seeing them for the first time." You share. It was hard not smiling thinking back at the old times. "I don't really know how it happened, but we instantly became friends, the three of us did everything together. Thor, Loki and me were inseparable. But as we got older feelings got in the way. I loved both brothers so deeply, but it was a different love with Loki, I didn't really understand it back then. He was my first love." You explain.

Natasha listens intensely, as you tell her about Asgard and everything about Thor and Loki.

"When Odín cast me to earth, I spend so much time with Tony's father. He was the one who found me. He took me in, tried to help me find out what happened to me.. I searched for years for a way back to him.. at one point I just kinda gave up." You admit..

"So you hadn't seen him in like seventy years?" Natasha asks.

You shake your head. "No, and I knew something was off about Loki the moment I saw him. Loki has always had a dark side I knew that, but he would never intentionally hurt me. Hurt his brother. So when I found out about Thanos, he took advantage of Lokis Darkness and sadness. Turned it into hatred."

"I didn't know that.." Natasha sighs.

"Neither did I.. I guess Loki was scared. He's always been scared of love.. that's why he spend so much time trying to push me away, scare me away from him. He didn't want to loose me again. He could have died that day in space. He could have died and he chose to save me.. to send me to earth. Because he didn't want to live in a world where I wasn't in it" you sigh deeply. "I think truly it all boils down to one thing, Loki made me whole." You smile softly. "And now that he's gone so is that piece of me, and that part just grows bigger and bigger. Until one day it consumes me" you stammer.

"Im sorry Y/n.. can I be brutally honest with you?" Natasha ask.

You nod your head.

"I don't think Loki would love the y/n sitting in front of me right now.. you wanna know why?" She asks.

You nod you head once more.

"Because y/n never gives up.. she's strong, and she fights for the people she loves. She isn't afraid to love" Natasha explains. "So don't be.. don't be afraid to love y/n. Don't give up on the hope that we can find a solution. Don't stop frighting for yourself"

You lean in closer, a subtle smile creeping up on your lips. "Thank you" you whisper.