The pain of saying goodbye

You sit patiently waiting back at the SSR facility. Howard was keeping you company reassuring you that everything was gonna be fine. Missions like this take time. You prayed dearly that he was right. Waiting for Steve's voice to linger through the speakers anytime soon. You had  started to walk around in circles almost going mad, your head spinning.. Howard tries to calm you down but it was pointless.

You couldn't lose him. However much you didn't want to admit it you were falling for him. He was the goodness you wanted to be. You never imagined you'd ever feel this way again. And at first, it felt so terribly wrong, like you were betraying the princes by letting your heart open up for another man. But just thinking about him made your heart skip a beat. You had just gotten love back in your life. And you were not about to lose it again.

Suddenly you hear his voice on the radio. "Come in this is captain Rogers do you read me?"

You rush back to the radio, pushing Howard away before he can answer. "Steve is that you?.. are you all right?" You ask worriedly.

"Y/n?.. Schmidt's dead" Steve announces. Your body finally relaxes.. he did it.

"You did it?" You say excitedly, you were embraced you ever doubted him.

"I did it y/n"

And just like that the air fills your lungs again, you've been drowning for the past few hours, and finally, you're up at the surface, feeling as the sunlight warms up your body.

"What about you?" You ask.

"I'm fine, really I'm okay" he assures you. Yet something seems off.

"What about the plane?" You keep asking him, you just want to hear his voice.

There's a long break before he answers. "That's a little bit more complicated" he sighs.

"Steve just give me your coordinates. I'll find a safe place for you to land" you say as you're ready to type them In.

"There's not gonna be a safe landing, but I can try to force it down" he explains.

You feel your heart racing... there must be something you can do. "Wait okay!" You plead. "I'll get Howard on the line he'll know exactly what to do.. just hang on," you say as you can feel yourself panic.

"There's not enough time.. this thing is moving way too fast... it's headed straight for New York" he explains. You can feel your heart sink into your chest. "I got to put her in the water" he sighs. He's already given up.

There's no way you're giving up now, you've just gotten your hope back.

"Please don't do this.. we have time" you plead. "We can work this out I promise you" you sob quietly as the realization hits you... there's nothing that can be done.

"I'm in the middle of nowhere.. if I wait any longer a lot of people will die," he says sadly. There's a moment of silence. None of you knows what to say you just stay on the radio. "Y/n this is my choice.. let me be the hero" his voice cracks. You close your eyes. Remembering the kiss you shared just hours prior. you should have kissed him earlier. Told him how much you cared for him, you could have had so much more time... you had only just kissed him.

He sets up his compass with a picture of you inside it, looking at it as he sends the plane down the water. You listen intensely. "Y/n?" He asks.

"I'm here Steve... I'm not going anywhere. Every step of the way right?" You sob.

"I'm gonna need a rain check on that dance okay?" He says softly.

"All right" you mutter.. as tears runs down your cheek. "Next Saturday, at the bar"

"It's a date" he smiles.

"8:00 on the clock.. and don't you dare be late" you whimper quietly. Knowing that any minute now he's gone.

"You know I still don't know how to dance" he chuckles.

You bite down on your lips, holding in the tears. "I'll teach you.. just be there" you plead quietly. "God Steve just be there okay?"

"I'll be there... We'll have the band play your favourite song, the one that goes hmm hm hmm" he starts humming I'll never smile again. "I'd hate to step on your f-"

Then the radio cuts off and all you're left with is the static noise from the radio on your end. "Steve?" You mutter as the tears come streaming down "Steve?" You cry out in pain as if your heart have been ripped out a million times. You keep calling his name until Howard grabs you pulling you away. You crumble down in his arms as you scream Steve's name. You try to break free from his grip. Desperate to get back to the radio. You finally opened your heart and soul to another person, just to have it ripped out from your chest.

"Y/n you need to stop" Howard pleads. It pains him to see  you this way. You've grown to be his best friend. "He's gone"

"I can't.. we have to find him Howard" you sob violently. Fighting against him. "Please tell me you'll find him.. I'm begging you just find for me Howard" you scream. "Howard please I can't lose him.. I just got him"

You're screaming and hurting yourself in the process of breaking free. It was as if in one moment your entire world came crashing down around you. Thinking about how much time you had wasted with him. You had spent so much time together, both of you falling in love. Both of you were too damn scared to do anything about it... And now it was too late. He was gone, and a part of you gone with him. Somewhere in the middle of nowhere.

Howard desperately tries to calm you, stroking your hair, and rocking you back and forth. Yet all you can feel is the aching pain in your chest where your heart once was... now there was nothing but a black empty hole. Howard calls for the nurses to bring you some sedatives. As soon as they inject it into your arm your body relaxes. As you drift off to sleep In Howard's arms.

You wake up the next morning, hoping it was all just a bad dream. That Steve is going to be there waiting for you next Saturday for your dance.

Howard is asleep on the chair beside you. He had stayed all night, watching over you. He slowly shuts open his eyes grabbing a hold of your hand.

"Is he.." you mutter.. "is he truly gone?" You ask.

Howard nods his head slowly. As soon as you realize the tears come streaming down your face once again. Curling into a ball. He sits next to you in the bed. Holding you close as he rocks you back and forth. "I know... I'm right here.." he says comforting you. "I'm always gonna be right here y/n"

You look at him with tears in your eyes. "No you're not... one day you'll be gone.. and I'll be right here. Same age, just a different pain" you sob. It finally hits you. No matter where you go, Pain will follow you. No matter what. You're destined for loss. Because the one thing people are running from.. is the one thing you'll never be able to escape.. time.

"We'll figure it out... together" Howard tries to reassure you. "Perhaps I can create a cure?"

"I can't.." you say coldly "I can't do this," you say again as your voice softens "this is what my life is going be like forever. Everlasting pain. All my friends..the people I love. I'm doomed to watch all of them die..while I'm stuck here. I can't do that" you sob.. "I'll have to watch you die.."

"Don't say that y/n" he pleads.

"Can you promise me there's a cure?" You ask. "Can you really do that?"

"No.. but I-"

"Then it's better if I leave.. if I just isolate myself from everyone.. in 20 years or so people are gonna start to have questions.." you slowly realize. "One day You're gonna be old and wrinkly and I'll still look 21" you explain.

"I'm not letting you leave you're my best friend.. everyone's out looking for him.. we'll find him." Howard smiles.

"He'll die one day.. and then I'll lose him all over again.. I can't do that" you say as you get up. Howard grabs your hand. "Let me go" you sob.

He pulls you closer. "I'm not letting you walk out on me y/n," he says sadly. "Please don't run away" he begs.

"I'm sorry Howard. Thank you for being the greatest companion for the past years." You say as you break free from his grip, kissing him gently on the cheek. "Goodbye, Howard Stark," you say as you leave out the door.

You wander through the city that once was your home.. your life. Knowing you can't return here.. it would be too painful. For weeks you search for a new place to settle down, knowing that every home you own will only be a temporary fix.. there's no place for you in this world. And you can't go back home to Asgard.

You settle down in a small city near Boston, it reminded you of Steve. One of the many places he told he was from to get into the military. It wasn't a perfect life. But it was something. Howard and you frequently wrote to one another. He even got you a job in the FBI knowing you couldn't come back to work for the SSR it wouldn't be long before people would ask questions. Hopefully, By the decade change you come back and work where your heart belonged. But as for now, you were grateful for the things he was doing for you. You helped him as much as you could, and for a short period of time you returned back to SSR, creating a new name and face for the future. Strategic, Homeland, intervention, enforcement, logistics, division. It was Howard's idea. You were still working on the name. Being a part of it for 10 years until you had to start over somewhere new.

Looking for the tesseract, and for Steve. But there was nothing to be done. It all seemed pointless. But as years went by, you once again had to pack up your things and leave the people you loved behind.

watching as Howard grew older.. fell In love. Had a child. You were truly happy for him, if someone deserved a happy ending it was Howard. The painful part was knowing you could never have one. You settled for small meaningless love affairs. Always being the one that leaves so you never had to be left again. Constantly moving around working for different departments. It was extremely lonely. Sure you had friends, but none you could ever be to close with.

You were truly alone. You had gotten all of Steve's things. Wrapped up neatly in a box you had never dared to open up. Until a rainy day in September 1975.. nearly 30 years after you lost him. You sat down in your new apartment In southern France with a view over the ocean. Howard had made it easier for you to travel constantly supplying you with new passports. A new identity. A new you. Always on the run with no place to call home.

You slowly open up the neatly wrapped box unpacking the belongings inside. His old shirt was in there, it smelled exactly like him. You put it on sitting on the floor crying when you find his old sketchbook. You remember the image of the circus monkey clearly in your head. As you flip through the pages you discover multiple pages filled with sketches of you... they're absolutely stunning. The earliest dates back to 1941 when you had just met. You wasted so much time with him.. and now you'll never see him again.

You were right back where he left you, wearing his shirt for months, till finally, it didn't smell like him anymore.. it was just a shirt.

This was your life, constantly changing.