Chapter 19

After the first month of being a mother, I got into a routine. Alex was a very fussy baby, but if he had his favorite pacifier, he would calm down for a bit, and allow the three of us to get some sleep.

"Liv!" Amanda said with a large smile. I smiled back as I walked into the squad room with Alex in his carrier.

"Hey!" I smiled. She came over to my desk, where I sat the carrier down.

"I didn't know you were coming!" She spoke, and I shrugged.

"Alex and I needed time out of the house. I'm getting stir crazy." I replied, and she smiled.

"Can I hold him?" She asked, and I nodded.

"Go right ahead." I replied. She smiled and took my son from his carrier, as I walked towards Cragen's office. I knocked on it lightly.

"Come in." He sighed. I smiled as I entered.

"Not happy to see me, Captain?" I questioned.

"I didn't know who you were. But I'm happy to see you, Benson." He smiled. 

"Well, how has everything been?" I asked.

"Eh. Okay." He stated, and I nodded.

"So, I was wondering if I can come back..." I trailed off. He looked at me.

"Liv, I don't know." He replied, and I frowned.

"Captain, I'm good now. I'm happy. My son has helped so much."

"Benson, I don't know. Are you sure your depression is in check?"

"Captain, I'm sure. I'm ready to come back." I replied, and he sighed.

"I'll talk to the Chief. And Tucker."

"Why Tucker?" I spoke, my voice showing how annoyed I was.

"Because you might be an issue for NYPD." 

"I'm NOT going to eat my gun." I spat, before turning and walking out of his office. I walked over to my desk where everyone was looking at Alex, who was still in Amanda's arms.

"Hey, how was your talk with the Captain?" Fin asked, as he hugged me.

"I don't want to talk about it." I frowned. 

"Olivia, get back in here." Cragen spoke, and I looked at him and shook my head.

"I'm not doing this right now." I breathed.

"Liv, wanna go talk?" Amanda asked, and I shook my head.

"No. I think I'm going to take Alex home. Where I'll be staying for God knows how long." I frowned.

I gathered my stuff and left with Alex. I heard Fin make a comment to Cragen about upsetting me, but he shouldn't have. This wasn't his fight. It was mine.

+++

"Liv, Alex needs his diaper changed." Eli spoke as he came into the kitchen, where I was doing dishes.

"Can you do it?" I asked, and he laughed.

"Nope!" He exclaimed, and I sighed.

"Alright, lay him in his bouncer. I'll be done in a moment." I replied, and Eli nodded. He left the kitchen with his brother in his arms.

I finished up the dishes quickly, before going out and getting Alex. I took him into my bedroom and changed him. By the time I got done, Elliot was home.

"I brought pizza home." He called, and Eli and him went into the kitchen, while I cuddled Alex close. I walked into the kitchen and sighed.

"How was work?" I asked him, and he smiled.

"Good. How are you two?" He questioned, before he came over and kissed me, then took Alex from my arms and cuddled him close.

"Okay." I replied slowly.

I walked over and poured Elliot a cup of coffee, and then turned around.

"What's wrong, Liv?" Eli questioned, and I swallowed hard.

"Nothing." I smiled.

"No, Eli is right. Something is wrong."

"Cragen doesn't want to take me back because I'm a liability for NYPD. He thinks I'm going to eat my gun." I whimpered, before quickly leaving the room. I went onto the balcony and stood in the fresh air. I took slow breaths and tried to calm myself.

"Babe, I'll talk to him." He spoke, and I shook my head.

"No. No one is going to talk to him. I'm not going to be a detective anymore. I might as well just stay here and be a housewife. Lets have a bunch of more kids so I have stuff to do." I cried, and he pulled me into his arms. I held onto him tightly.

"I want to go back! I love my job, but no one thinks I'll be good at it anymore." I whimpered, and he rubbed my back gently.

"You are the best detective that they have. You are so caring and kind. You never make the vics feel like it was their fault." He breathed.

"Please don't." I whimpered.

"Why can't I compliment my wife?" He breathed, before kissing my cheek.

"Because I don't deserve them. Clearly I became lost along the way."

"No you haven't. Liv, everything is going to be okay."

"I'm scared that it won't. What if I get depressed again. I can't leave you and the boys again." I whispered.

"And you won't. Tomorrow go down and talk to Tucker. Get your job back."

+++

"Olivia?" Tucker spoke with confusion, as I walked into his office, Alex's carrier in hand.

"Hi." I breathed.

"What are you doing here?" He asked.

"I want my job back at SVU, but Cragen won't let me unless he gets you involved. I wanted to take the first step."

"Alright. Um, take a seat." He spoke, and I nodded. I sat down and sat Alex down by my feet.

"Tucker, I'm good."

"Olivia, you know how shitty we all felt when we saw that you were the Detective that almost killed herself?"

"It wasn't your fault." I frowned.

"It was. It all started with Lewis."

"Can I please get my job back?" I breathed, wanting to not think about Lewis.

"If I even get you on the path to start, you are going to have to go and do evaluations and do therapy."

"I'm in therapy. Please Ed." I breathed, and he sighed.

"Okay. But I swear to God Benson, if you do something, I'm going to lose my badge over you." He spoke, and I smiled.

"Thanks, Ed. I promise that I'll not do anything stupid." I spoke, before standing up. I grabbed Alex's carrier and started to walk out, but Tucker spoke.

"I forgot to tell you something."

"What is that?"

"Congrats on your son. I bet that you are a great mother."

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