Ni 二

The next morning, i woke up feeling miserable. I couldn't sleep at all last night and decided to stay up writing songs. The guilt grows every time i try to close my eyes so i gave up. I groggily got out of bed and head to the bathroom to freshen myself up. As i stripped out from my clothes, i met with my reflection on the bathroom mirror. Dark eye bags manifested my under eyes and my collarbones were protruding even more than before. My ribcages are visibly seen and red scars in patches covered my stomach. I look at my pitiful self once more and felt sick. I went under the shower head and twisted the tap. The water rained over me as i stood there doing nothing, hoping that the water will wash the filth away.

I got out from the 'refreshing' shower and put on clean clothes. I wore my favourite black ripped jeans and paired it off with a white sweater. I dried my hair with a towel and did not bother to style it neatly. I wore my wrist watch and bracelet that now hangs losely on my wrist and left the room. Its still 6 am in the morning and the boys don't have to be awake till 7. I went down the stairs and entered the living room. Yesterday's mess was still there so i quickly cleaned it up even if Johnny promised to do it later. After ensuring that the mess was cleared, i then proceed to make breakfast. I opened the kitchen cabinet over the stove and took out spam, seaweed wraps and instant rice. Subsequently,i took out carrots, cucumbers and eggs from the fridge. Today's menu is kimbap.

I cleaned the vegetables and began slicing them into long strips. I took out the spam from the can and cut them into rectangle blocks to fry them. I placed a frying pan over the stove and switched on the gas then sprinkled some oil on the pan to heat it up. While it was being heated up, i took out the instant rice from the packaging and mixed them all up in a bowl with some sesame oil. After that was done, i fried the spam and egg also,boiled the vegetables. A few sizzlings here and there, the ingredients were all set and what is left was to roll up the kimbap. I began by laying out the seaweed sheet and spread an even amount of rice on it. I then add the ingredients and rolled it once i'm satisfied. After making 20 rolls, i wrapped all of them up in an aluminium foil and left it on the kitchen counter for it to be eaten. It was exactly 7am as i finished wrapping the last roll.

I washed my hands and cleared all the utensils i used and made my way to the rooms to wake the boys up. I woke the boys up from the top to the bottom as it was easier that way. I made my way up to the last level and knocked on Johnny's and Yuta's room. After a few knocks, no one was answering so i decided to let myself in. As i was about to open the door, the person at the other side did it before me so i was pulled in by the force. Losing balance, i was about to meet the floor when a pair of strong arms caught me in time.

"Woah there, you okay?" I looked up to face my same aged friend and also our only Japanese member, Yuta. Thankfully he caught me in time or else i'll be kissing the floor right now.

"Yeah sorry. I'm fine now." I stood back up and straighten my clothes.

"I wanted to wake you up but i guess there's no need for that anymore. Oh and can you let go of me now?" I told Yuta and urged him to let go of his grip.

"Oh yeah i had a nightmare so i woke up earlier today. And sorry." Yuta let go of my wrist and looked away out of embarrassment.

"Anyway, breakfast is ready so come down if you want to eat. That's all, i'll be going now." I monotonously informed him and turned around to leave when he stopped me.

"Taeyong wait! Have you been getting enough sleep lately or even had a proper meal?'' Yuta asked me with a worried expression.

"Y-yeah i d-do....don't worry about it." I responded awkwardly and quickly left in order not to be questioned again. Phew..that was close. I don't want the members to worry about my troubles and be a burden to them. I troubled them enough already.

I then proceed to the other levels to wake everybody up as per usual. Some of them were already awake while there was a few who was still in deep slumber and i had to shake them up. As i was out and about waking the members up, some of them gave me the cold shoulder and i'm not surprised after what i had said to them yesterday. No matter what, i have to apologise to them today or else things will get worse.

I sat in the dining room waiting for the boys to come down as i have my morning coffee. I hold the mug with my two hands and sipped the bitter coffee as i waited nervously. I tried to eat one of the kimbaps but i did not manage to swallow it down and it went back up instead. The only thing i could swallow down right now is coffee and water. The members soon came down one by one but i did not notice as i was lost in my thoughts. A chair was pulled out on my left side which made me flinch and be aware of my surroundings. I looked around to see all the boys sitting in their seats with a kimbap on one of their hands and a glass of their choice of drink on the other hand. I turned to my left to see who was sitting beside me and it turns out to be the Japanese man. I looked at him and he gave me his signature 'healing smiles' which could kill all the girls. I returned with a small smile and took a sip of my coffee.

Should i say it now?? I don't know if i have the guts to do it...i mean i had the guts to yell at them yesterday and can't even apologise? Come on Taeyong, you're better than this. I fidgeted out of nervousness and hesitated to speak up, it was as if like a cat caught my tongue.

"U-um g-guys..can i s-say something?" I took a deep breath in and took all of my courage to say sorry.

"I just w-would like to apologise about yesterday. I was too harsh on you guys and i shouldn't have lashed out to you like that. I'm sorry and i will never do that again. I'll try to grow and improve to be the leader that you guys can look up to and not a leader that you feel small or inferior to, just like Johnny said. So i really hope you guys can forgive me this time and give me another chance. And once again, i'm sorry and i regret with all my heart." I confessed with all my heart but no one answered. I looked up to face the boys but the boys just avoided my gaze and continued eating. I guess they need time to forgive me and somehow i have to win back their trust.

There was an uncomfortable and awkward silence in the room so i got up to leave and brought my half eaten kimbap with me. I walked to the kitchen to wash my mug then walk back up to my room to get ready for our schedule. I was about to walk off when i forgot i had to remind them of the reporting time.

"U-um. Please be ready by 8 am." With that, i left the dining area and ran up the stairs to my safe haven; my room.