Too Much at Stake

Athena

I woke up slow, like my body didn’t quite know how to move. Every inch of me felt heavy, like I’d been trampled, my muscles sore and stiff. I could feel a dull throb in my side, and my stomach twisted with pain.

My eyes flickered open, and I took in the cracked plaster ceiling above me. I recognized it instantly. The infirmary. I tried to move, but a sharp sting shot through my abdomen, and I gasped, my breath catching in my throat. I tried to lift my hand, but my arm was heavy, sluggish, like it didn’t belong to me.

Fingers tightened around mine, though, and I already knew who they belonged to.

I turned my head slowly, wincing at the effort, and there was Daryl. His face was drawn with exhaustion, his hair falling in his eyes, but his expression was full of something else. Relief. Love. Fear.

“Ath,” he breathed, straightening in the chair next to me but his hand not leaving mine. A relieved smile crept across his face as he kissed my knuckles. “Goddamn.”

I swallowed, trying to clear the dryness from my throat, but the effort only made my stomach twist again, sharper this time. “The infirmary?” The words felt foreign on my tongue, like I hadn’t spoken in ages.

“Yeah,” he said softly, moving to cradle my jaw, his thumb brushing comfortingly back and forth against my cheek. “Ya’ve been out a couple days, but yur okay.”

I wanted to believe him, wanted to feel that relief, but the pain in my stomach gnawed at me. I blinked, trying to push through the fog in my brain.

Everything came flooding back. The Saviors, the double-crossing Scavengers, Sasha.

Oh God, Sasha.

“What happened? We won?”

Daryl didn’t reply straight away, just kept stroking my cheek, his jaw pulsing a little.

“Not yet... but we’re okay, and we will.”

Shit. It wasn’t over. But at least Alexandria was still standing. We were still here.

I caught sight of Rosita in the cot across the room. She was sleeping, a bandage adorning her shoulder. “Is she okay?”

“Yeah.” Daryl reassured me. “Got shot, but it was clean. Tara fixed her up. She’s fine - just tired... Michonne’s hurt, too, but she’s okay. She’s in bed at home.” He paused. “Do ya remember how ya got here?

“No.” I answered honestly. I remembered seeing the Kingdom arrive, thinking how insane it was they’d brought the Tiger along – but grateful at the same time as I’d seen it mauling Saviors. I half-remembered seeing someone from the Hilltop, but I couldn’t be sure.

“Ya got shot. A Savior put a bullet in yur side... Beth got it out.”

I frowned. My hand instinctively moved to my side. The bandages were there, mainly clean but soaked through in places. I winced when I touched it, but that wasn’t what hurt the most. The ache in my stomach did. The dull, constant pain that wouldn’t go away. It felt like something was pulling at me from the inside.

I willed my body to sort it out. I knew what it most likely was – infection - and we'd been hella low on antibiotics for a while. It would be typical for me to survive having a bullet lodged in my body and then die from goddamn germs.

Daryl watched me closely, his eyes narrowed with concern as he noticed me fidgeting. “Ya okay?” he asked, his voice tight.

I nodded, but the lie stuck in my throat. “Yeah, just... tired. My side hurts.”

He seemed to accept that, but I could see it in the way his brow furrowed and how he gripped my hand again. He wasn’t buying it.

Before I could say anything more, the door opened, and I heard Merle’s voice - rough and loud as ever. “Here she is - sleepin’ beauty.”

His heavy steps echoed through the room, and when I glanced up, I saw him standing there, a small smirk on his face despite the worry in his eyes.

“Hey,” I whispered, my voice barely audible.

He grinned, that familiar cockiness in his tone. “Hell, we thought ya were gonna sleep forever.”

“I was just avoiding you.” I tried to joke.

“Thought as much.” Merle’s face softened a little. “Lotta blood, man. Was real bad... thought we’d lost ya.”

“Still here.”

“Ya are. Yur all good now.”

I nodded weakly, trying to believe him. But the pain in my stomach was relentless, and I didn’t have the energy to push it down anymore.

Daryl brushed, his thumb over the back of my hand. “Ya in pain?”

I nodded again. The ache in my gut wasn’t going away. It felt wrong, like something inside of me was just… not right.

“I don’t feel good,” I said, my voice small, unsure. “My stomach…”

“Stomach?” Daryl repeated, his voice turning more urgent. “What d'ya mean? Ya hurtin’ anywhere else?”

I hesitated. I didn’t want to admit it, but the pain had spread. It was deeper now, like something had been torn inside of me, pulling at my insides.

“Yeah,” I said quietly, my voice catching. “My stomach hurts. Feels like… it’s worse than the side.”

Daryl’s face darkened, a flicker of worry flashing across his features, but he didn’t say anything. Instead, he squeezed my hand again, harder this time, like he was trying to will my pain away. “We’ll sort it.”

He pressed a kiss to my forehead, just as Beth entered the room. “Her stomach hurts bad. They antibiotics ya gave her earlier?”

Beth bit her lip, pausing for a moment. “Yeah. We had a couple of packs left. I’ll get her some more pain meds.”

I felt relieved, but I wasn’t sure that was enough. My stomach felt like it was getting worse, the pain wrapping around me like a vice. And even though Daryl was there, holding my hand, I couldn’t shake the feeling that something bigger was happening to me. Something I wasn’t prepared for.

I needed to distract myself. “What’s the plan?”

He tried to dodge my question. “For ya to rest.”

I shot him a weak glare.

He sighed, then filled me in.

“There’s a big herd on one of the highways that way out. Carol and Tara have been trackin’ it. Gonna redirect it their way.”

I frowned. “That’s it?”

“Nah.” He continued. “Alexandria, the Kingdom, and Hilltop – we’re gonna go to the Sanctuary together - give them one last chance to surrender. If they won’t, we lead the herd to ‘em. Have 'em surrounded on all sides. Starve ‘em out until they have to give up.”

“What about-?”

Daryl anticipated my question. “Outposts? Gonna take ‘em out between us while the Sanctuary’s down.”

I took in the plan. It was good, but there were a lot of parts to it. If one ambush went wrong, the whole thing could come crashing down.

I met Daryl’s eyes. “No room for mistakes, then?"

He nodded slightly. He knew it was risky - everyone must - but if it meant freedom from the Saviors, it would be worth it.

“When?”

Daryl looked away. He always did that before telling me something I didn’t want to hear.

“Tell me.” I urged him with a rasp.

“Today.”

“What!?”

“Yeah... They’re headin’ out soon. Will lose the herd otherwise.

Fuck. I needed to be there. I needed to fight. But there was no way. It took effort to just breathe with the pain that ravaged my body. I was in no position to go.

Daryl noticed the look in my eyes. “I know ya wanna be there. But ya can’t, Ath.”

He was right. But I was still angry to be missing it. “Are you going?”

He didn’t answer right away, and I watched him - looking like he was torn between two worlds - one that needed him to be out there and the one here in this infirmary, with me.

I could see the struggle in his eyes.

"Rick wants me to lead the herd on my bike, get it movin’ in the right direction, make sure it hits from the right angle..." He paused, hesitation written all over his face. "I didn’t wanna leave ya. In case ya woke up or...” He trailed off, not able to think about me making my exit while he wasn’t here.

The soft, raw honesty in his voice made my heart twist. I knew why he didn’t want to go, but I also knew what had to be done. Rick needed him. The plan wasn’t going to work without Daryl, and I couldn’t let him hold himself back because of me.

“He’s got Tara ready with a car in case. She can blare music, draw ‘em that way.” He tried to convince himself, knowing full-well that the bike was going to be a better option.

“Well, I’m awake now.” I shifted slightly, making sure he saw me sitting up. "I don’t want you to go," I said, my voice steady, though inside, I was a whirlwind of emotions. "But they need you. Even after the herd, they’ll need you.” Tears pricked at my eyes at the thought of him out there without me, but I wouldn’t let them fall. Wouldn’t let him see them. “There’s too much at stake.”

There was a long pause, his gaze locked on mine, and I could feel the shift in him, the fight rearing back up. He needed to do this. “Ya sure?”

“Yep. You’d better go get the bike ready, let Rick know.”

Beth interrupted our conversation, bringing me a pack of pills – the pain meds I hoped would slowly fix the agony inside of me.

“They gonna work?” Daryl asked her.

“Yes.” She said a little too quickly.

“See?” I told him. “Go.”

Finally, he gave me a nod, slow and deliberate, like he was convincing himself as much as me. "I’ll get back soon as I can."

I tried to make my voice sound stronger, like I knew for certain he’d make it back unharmed. “You will.”

“C’mere.” He breathed as he moved onto the cot with me, gathering me in those strong arms that always made me feel like everything would be okay. He held me tightly despite being cautious of hurting me. “I love ya, Ath. Was so worried ‘bout ya.”

“I love you.” I told him. “More than anything... so be safe. Please.”

“I will.” He promised. “But you gotta rest.”

I nodded against him. Squeezing him as tight as my weak body would let me.

We stayed like that for as long as we could, putting off the inevitable, breathing each other in. Then he pulled back, tilting my head up so he could press a lingering kiss to my lips.

“I love ya.” He told me again as he stood.

I could only nod in response, the emotion in my throat threatening to burst out.

The silence in the room was deafening as soon as the door closed behind him, and my tears escaped instantly. I wanted to call him back, to ask him to stay with me, but I knew that wasn’t what needed to happen. He was going to fight for all of us, and that meant he had to do this.

I wiped pointlessly at my face as Beth appeared back beside my bed, taking Daryl’s seat and reaching for my hand. “He’ll be back.” She said sweetly in that light, calm voice of hers.

I nodded, sniffing, then let go of her hand to reach for the pills she’d left by my bed. I ripped the packet open.

“Athena.” She said hesitantly. “Maybe I should’ve said this before Daryl left. I didn’t know what was best...”

My eyes snapped to her nervously. She looked anxious, too. Was she going to tell me I had internal bleeding? I needed something amputating? That these pills in my hand were actually Viagra?

“What?” I asked a little too sharply.

She took a breath. “I'm not sure you have an infection.”

My heart started racing. If it wasn’t an infection, then antibiotics wouldn’t fix it. It meant something worse, something that couldn’t be fixed with pills.

“What do you mean?”

She took my hand again, holding it tightly. “You’ve been bleeding.”

It took me a second to absorb her words. My first impulse was to wisecrack that ‘Duh.. of course I’d been bleeding. I’d been goddamn shot.’ But in that moment, I knew it. I knew the type of bleeding she meant.

I let go of her hand, tentatively pulling the oversized shirt I’d been dressed in aside, then reaching down and shifting my underwear.

A sanitary pad that looked like it would fit an elephant.

And blood. Lots of blood.

I froze.

“I’ve been changing it whenever Daryl went to the bathroom or whatever.” Beth said gently. “That’s probably stupid, I mean, he’s your husband... but I wasn’t sure-” She cut herself off. “At first, I thought maybe your period, but there was a lot, and then when you said about your stomach...”

I still couldn’t say anything.

“I could be wrong.” She tried to offer, but I knew that she wasn’t. Something inside of me just knew. Beth looked remorseful. “Shall I get Daryl? He probably hasn’t left-”

“No.” I cut her off, finally finding my voice, though it shook. “It can’t- I can’t have been- That doesn’t make sense...”

She looked at me sympathetically. “I could be wrong.” Then she hesistated. “I found some tests... Do you wanna check?”

No. I didn’t. I didn’t want to do anything. This felt unreal.

We’d always used protection – save once, but I’d got my period the following day. And then we’d been apart. We’d only become intimate again over the last few days. So that couldn’t be it. I wasn’t a scientist , but I knew it didn’t happen that quickly.

“I don’t think it can be, Beth. We weren’t-” My mind buzzed. “Then I had a period before that.”

“Implantation.” Rosita’s voice came quietly from the other side of the room.

“What?”

She pulled up on her elbow, clearly having not been awake long. “Implantation bleeding. It can look kinda like a light period.”

I thought about it for a minute. “Nah. It was light - but it was literally the night before that that we’d not used anything - it doesn’t work like that.”

“It will have been before that.” Beth said softly.

My brain span. We’d always used condoms. Always. It had to be something else.

“I’ll do a test. Rule it out, but then what do we do? Treat for infection? What else could it be?”

“We can figure it out after.” Beth shrugged, gently helping me up from the bed and guiding me to the bathroom. She stopped on her way to grab a packet from a drawer, along with a fresh elephant pad, then helped me pull my underwear down and lowered me onto the toilet.

She passed me the stick, and it felt surreal, like something I shouldn’t even have in my hand.

“Do you want me to stay?” she asked, unsure.

I shook my head. She left, giving me a sympathetic smile as she closed the door.

I read the instructions on the packet, my eyes still a little unfocused, and did what I had to do.

The longest two minutes of my life dragged on for an eternity, my thoughts racing.

Did I want it to be negative? Mean that there had to be something else wrong with me - making me bleed?

Or did I want it to be positive? That meant we knew what was causing it, but it also meant I was for certain miscarrying, which I had no idea how to feel about.

Finally, I flipped the thin, white stick over, straining my eyes to see the display.

Two lines.

I froze again...

I didn’t feel relieved.

I didn’t feel sad.

I didn’t feel anything...

I was in shock.

A/N: I apologise if this was heavy for anybody. I’ve suffered miscarriages myself, and I know it’s a difficult topic. Everybody’s experiences will be different, but if you’ve been there – I hope my writing does the pain of it justice.

Thank you so much for reading.