35. Unforgiving

Chapter 35 - Unforgiving

   My heart was pounding against my chest erratically. I was too terrified to turn around, knowing that it wasn't going to be Caleb if I did. 

    His voice was so raspy and jumbled, questioning at the scene that he just woke up to. Tears were clogging my eyes and my throat was closing on me while I tried to say anything.

Say anything.

    My trust bond with Alex vanished...so did my voice.

   Slowly, I turned around to face him. 

     My eyes were practically closed until I did a full 90 degree circle. My stomach tightened from the sight of him, worse than when I had first saw him. His worried eyes scanned the place, clearly unsure of his whereabouts were. 

   "Laila," He hoarsely said. “wher-where are we?”

    Before I could even for a split second try to make an attempt to speak, right on cue, Caleb had walked in with a glass of water.

      “You!” Alex lurched up from his spot, but only to quickly groan from his wounds.  He was oblivious to the situation, thinking Caleb was the bad person here.

     “Oh shut up, Gaskarth. If it wasn’t for me you would be dead at the bar.” Caleb snickered, handing him the cup of water.

     Alex slowly fixed his posture with caution so he could drink out of the cup. He didn’t say a word furthermore until he was done sipping.

    “If it wasn’t for you to be so careless then maybe I wouldn’t have gotten beat up by a damn gang when I was just there to create peace with you.” Alex huffed. He sat the cup down and sank into the couch for a better position with comfort.

   Create peace? Why would Alex want to create peace with…Caleb?

    “If it wasn’t for you being ‘I want to create peace’ then maybe you wouldn’t have gotten beaten up by a damn gang.” Caleb mocked him before sitting down in his previous spot before, leaving me to be the only one standing.

     My feet were stuck to the floor as if someone hot glued them. I stood there awkwardly and with no motive to do anything of the situation. Millions of alarms and voice were going off in my brain, telling me how to proceed with this state I am in.

       Then, everything stopped and time froze when I had remembered why Alex and I weren’t even on good terms. It was the big reason why this week was from hell and I was Satan’s pity servant – or at least that was how it felt like.

With one last good stare around the living room, I made my way out of there, leaving Caleb and Alex to give each other questioning looks from my behavior. I had no need or desire to be in the same room as Alex. My work there was done, he was alive and seemingly doing better. Why stand there longer for only just to have my heart break even more?

     I yanked the front door open, making the harsh cold weather outside whip my face. I half expected to hear my name being yelled out but nothing, not even a syllable was spoken.

     It seemed like that though most of the time. That every time I was marching my way out the door in a hurry to isolate myself, someone from somewhere was either hollering my name or racing after me – mostly likely both.  

     But no one came after me while I stood out in the cold with my hands not even the sleeves of my sweater, more like the inside of the material. My toes were freezing from only having my socks protecting them.

      To make all of this worse, with my nose turning the bright color of a red apple, my mind was terribly on Alex and nothing else besides just that.

     He looked so distraught and deeply confused like a little boy just trying to get a grip on life and that made my heart clench. I ponder harder of what Alex’s reasons were for trying to create this some type of peace deal, but the more days that pass, it felt like I never knew what was going in that head of his.

   While being on the porch, watching the snowflakes twinkle downward, I looked around the neighborhood, then back at my socks, and then continuously back to each thing. How the hell was I supposed to get home?

     I nearly hysterically laughed at my situation. It was quite crazy how I can go from listening to Spanish music and mopping around my bed and then to being outside of Caleb’s house in my pajamas, wondering how the fuck I was going to get back home while being on the verge of crying.

Well, damn. 

I hadn't bothered to look behind me when the sound of the front door creaked open. When a groan slipped into the atmosphere, it surprised to me to know he was up on his feet.

        He stood right next to me without saying a word besides a few heavy breaths here and there. Out of the corner of my eye, it appeared that his back was slightly hunched over, clearly sore from previous events.

      I was mentally preparing myself for what might be on my way but I honestly believed that no matter how much preparation I had, it wouldn't do justice of what was in store for us.

     He sighed deeply once again, fog formed from the sudden hot air into the bitter air. I notice his hand tugged something out of his pocket, slowly wiggling it out.

   I relentlessly rolled my eyes at the sight of a cigarette box.

    Alex only smoked once in front of me, it was a surprise then, but now? Not at all.

     He was the type of guy to run away to anything he can get his hands on to deal with the pain. This 'anything' happened to be these killer sticks that made me have no sympathy for the ones who ended up with cancer from them.

   Their choice, their health mistakes, not mine. 

     His fingers nonchalantly rose to his lips that were very much still pale and there were no signs of his cut healing anytime soon.

    The stick was in between his teeth while he flicked his lighter a few times. “I don’t even know what to say.” He said.

   Ironically, he did indeed say something, so that was the start of something.

    Although yes, there were actually many things to be said, but there wasn’t an area to start at, therefore, he didn’t even know what to say. I myself hadn’t even thought about speaking, let alone things to say.

   We were a utter wreck and all in all, a complete mess.

   We were back to side one of this record that was clearly was not our favorite to play.

   “Thanks,” He spoke with the cigarette through his teeth, looking like a complete asshole.

   That’s all he had to say, a simple and scrawny ‘thanks’ that could mean anything but nothing to me. Thanks what? Thanks for breathing? Thanks for coming to his aid? Thanks for what?

    A girl has to know and I wasn’t going to receive an answer, which was disturbingly annoying of all things. Being annoyed was my least of emotions too.

    I was hurt, angry, upset, crazed, and too many other indescribable emotions and feelings that I had no idea that I could feel all at once. But I had to remind myself that I was still a teenager, and sadly, this was a part of the package deal that I didn’t sign up for.

    Certainty, this was my mid-life crisis, just at a much earlier timing than expected type of mid-life crisis.

     The awful whiff of his smoke was beginning to come off strong in this dense February air and I knew I wouldn’t be able to stand it for long.

   “I can drive you home.” He offered.

Great. He hates me so much to the point he’s willing to drive in the state that he’s in. 

    I folded my arms near my chest, shaking my head from his bizarre offer. He had to be going insane to actually believe that his body was up for operating heavy machinery like a car. Although I wanted to be home, in the sweet comfort of my bed, I rather not die in a tragic car accident.

   Alex groaned once more, making it apparent that he was very much in agony. I felt awful seeing him like this and had the supplement of what I felt this week was being carried on my shoulders. All my heart wanted to do was take him back to his apartment and take care of him like a nurse.

    But I refrained from my thoughts, I was still mad even though I had a week to cool off from what happened. Did I even want him back?

   Of course I did but I wasn’t ready to.

     This was Brenna’s fault, along with Alex’s. That was something I was strongly still holding onto.

        We were still standing there in the numbing weather, which was complete stupid thing of us to do. There was no reason behind our standstill. Easily I could be on my way back home and he too instead of watching the snow falling from the overcast sky.

     “I don’t understand what went wrong.” He solemnly said, flicking his ashes into the dirty snow.

      My breathing quickened and all of what I had left in me to say anything was wiped out. There was no way that I could trust Alex right now, let alone even comprehend to seek the future if we had one.

     The thumping of my heart had turned into the beat of a drum as he continued. “Just please tell me why you punched her for God’s sake.” His voice cracked at the end of his sentence, only adding more depth to his plead.

    My mouth twitched but stayed glued shut, not even a peep came out. He knew damn well why.

   He watched me impatiently, staring at me for while he waited for an answer that he was never going to receive.

   “Talk to me, Laila.”

   Nothing.

   “Anything, Angel, please.”

   Hearing my nickname caused a pang in my heart and now, I really wished I was in the comfort of my bed.

   Funny how being in Alex’s arms was once my comfort, now, it was my bed and probably for eternity.

    He angrily scoffed and limped back into the house, leaving me all alone.

   It wasn’t before long until Caleb came out with his keys jingling between his fingers. He awkwardly nodded at me and led the way to his car. I oblige with getting in and wanting nothing more to never see Alex or Caleb ever again. My heartbreak was going to be the death of me – I just know it already. I was fed up these emotions. If only there was a on and off switch for them.

   Shortly, I was back at home and the first thing I did was strip down and got into my shower that I had been longing for.

     The nice warm water pelted down onto my skin, allowing my tense muscles to unwind. My body leaned against the cold title from how exhausted I was from the recent events.

    It still pained me to know that there was no progress of Alex and I’s relationship. We were at a horrible deadlock where neither of us was quite ready to break, however, having Alex begging for me to say anything to him had me starting to think differently.

    Sure I said some things on the night of our destruction of our relationship, but did I mean what I said? Was Alex really a waste of time?

   Oh what the hell was I thinking?

    Alex was far from being a waste. He gave me life not the opposite. I was the mute girl of the school who sat in the back of the class quietly and kept to herself, which was still true but it wasn’t like I had anything to look forward to. Alex allowed me to look forward to waking up and getting on with the day, just as long as I knew that I was going to see him at least one point in the day. I never felt so alive being near him, constantly smiling, forgetting any troubling thoughts.

   It was only natural of how I ever felt with him. It was simply just love and it felt so right.

   I didn’t fall in love with just him either. I fell in love with being alive.

  But now, I was lost like a star during mid-day, wondering when if I will ever be home again.

    I turned off the shower and wrapped myself into my towel. Too lazy to change into anything other than Alex’s cozy sweater, I hopped into my bed that was calling my name since the minute I stepped back into my room.

    It wasn’t before long that I felt lonely and wanting something to hold. I grabbed my extra fluffy pillow and wrapped my arms around it as if it was Alex instead of being an item.

    Slowly, I drifted off to sleep, with the thought of Alex on my mind – like always.

__________

a.n

Hope you guys had a good Halloween! Please vote, it takes one second when writing takes weeks, it literally makes my day when you do!

Also this chapter is dedicated to Mitch Lucker. Can't believe it's been two full years. Feels like just yesterday when he crashed his motorcycle. Never drink and drive, people!

xo,

Kc Nov. 1 2014

p.s I updated Dear, {H.S} last weekend, y'all should check it out ;) (It's not a cliche Harry styles fanfic either)