28. Dancing Stars

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 Chapter 28 – Dancing Stars

   I destroyed my family.

    There was no doubt that my destructive behavior would do this to my family. Derek hasn't left his room ever since Christmas; it's now New Year’s Eve. 

     When Derek would come out of his room which was a rare occasion, it was his stare that left scars on my mind. But that's the thing about his stare. It was only for five seconds until he closed the door behind him to either the bathroom door or to his room. That was how deadly his gaze was at me.

    Uncle Gabe's departure was hopefully soon. I just wanted him to be gone and for God's sake, to never see him ever again. He out welcomed his stay in my opinion. Sure he was working on Kenzie's case for justice, but I'm just sick and tired of it all.

     Not to mention Uncle Gabe's and my father's bickering had never been so awful. Constantly, they were bickering like a fifty year old couple. Whether it's about something completely stupid like what they were watching on the television after dinner or arguing something serious over the steps to take with Kenzie’s case.

     I've taken recognition of my father's slow process of his solemn expression. Steadily his expression every day changed a little. The bags under his eyes gain heavily, his wrinkles begun to show more noticeably, and his lips always pulled into a tight line. 

I blame myself. 

    Evidently, I could easily blame this whole ordeal on the persistent topic of my sister. I can only imagine the pain circulating through my father right now. But I wasn't making it easier on him. In fact, I was making it harder on not only him but Derek too. 

     The buzzing of my phone snapped me out of my thoughts. Alex had finally replied back to my text message.

   I’ll pick you up after the gig, are you sure you don’t want to come? :(

     I rolled my eyes. Alex knew I had too much homework to attend his gig. He was luckily enough to get me to hang out with him afterwards with all the homework piled on my desk. Leave it up to my teachers to give me essays and projects on winter break.

Trust me I want to attend but my homework babe :(

    I laid my phone down and returned back to my work. All this writing I’ve been doing all day made me think of the entire writing journal entries that were now vanished by the courtesy of Derek and my father.

    Deciding that I needed a break, I took a hot relaxing shower to get ready for the date that Alex apparently planned. Even with my constant asking of what he possibly might have had in mind, he kept his lips shut besides telling me that it was a secret and that it was going to be better than our first date at Chucky E. Cheese.

 Secrets.

     I knew Alex was keeping one from me other than the date. We haven’t seen each other since Christmas. We’ve been calling each other and text messaging each other every day along with occasionally getting on AOL Messaging. But with all the talking and messages between us, nothing was ever brought up of the disaster that occurred at his parents’ home.

    I’m anticipating that maybe he will tell me at least something so that I’m not fully in the dark of what he could possibly be battling inside of his mind.

   All I wanted was to help.

    I hopped out of the shower and dressed into what I’ve decided would best fit the expectations of Alex. ‘Dress warmly’, he told me.

   Jeans, long sleeved plain black shirt with a left breast pocket and boots was what I slipped on. It was decent, I thought.

   I’ve stopped the worrying of what to wear to impress Alex only because there was no need to do that. He loved me.

   That was all that mattered at this point.

    All my doubts of how I looked and talked went away the minute I’m with him. There was never going to be another person who could make me feel the way I do when I’m with Alex.

    It was wrapping up to be nine and the sun had already sunk below the horizon. I already assumed that their gig was already done and over with.

   Dad was too busy typing away on his laptop in his study to even notice me sneaking out the front door.

      I was bundle up in a heavy coat with gloves and a scarf for the unforgiving cold weather that I was going to have to endure while trudging through just to get to Alex.

     The darkness of the night left me squinting my eyes to try to get a glimpse of where I was heading towards. I clung onto my body for warmth and a sense of comfort. The vagueness of this was all making me nervous. I hated being alone like this.

    With a strike of a miracle, I somehow made it to the local store. I was being drenched by the falling wet snow and shaking from the twenty degree weather. Surely Alex was smart enough to plan our date indoors…hopefully.

    Thankfully, Alex’s car pulled up. I wasted no time on getting into the heated car.

     My hands rubbed against each other to create friction for warmth while Alex ranted about something that had happened at the gig he wasn’t too pleased about.

     I sat there baffled. Not because of his ranting and what had happened but Alex generally did this to me. It baffled me that he even talked to me let alone dates me. Here he was a lead singer to a band that plays for all the college kids in town and already has a full length album. He was already a somebody within this town and life. Then there was me, a nobody and that’s what I’ll ever be.

    Throughout the car ride, I sense Alex was in a grumpy mood by his appearance. His shoulders were tense and the grip on the steering wheel wasn’t tight just because of dangerous roads. The radio was nothing but static.

   I couldn’t fucking stand it.

   I changed it to a pop station. The station was playing one of my favorite songs coincidently. I bobbed my head lightly to the beat until Alex interrupted the song by changing the station.

   “Hey!” I frowned.

   “I’m not listening to that crap.” He grumbled, being stubborn as ever.

    I rolled my eyes. The station he switched to was horrible. I knew I had to pick my own fights and this was the one I decided to pick.

    Switching back to the other station that I liked, Alex changed it the minute I did.

   I huffed.

    Leave it up to Alex and me to argue over the stupid radio station. Alex ended up turning off the station and allowed the silence between us sink deeply.

    “How was your day?” He asked. He had calmed down enough to talk to me finally. It was a drastic change in the mood of the atmosphere but I went along.

“Good.” I shrugged.

“Don’t be like that.”

I frowned. “Don’t be like what?”

“I don’t want to hear that your day was ‘good’. I want to hear about what you did, what you ate, and which minute of the day you thought of me and how many times. I want to hear how annoying your homework was and how much you rather be writing.”

    My heart fluttered from his thoughtful but yet simple words. This was how I knew he loved me. Just by him wanting to know how boring my day was.

     This was how I knew I loved him, but it wasn’t like I needed evidence for that either. I knew it within my gut and the butterflies that I got from just even thinking about him. I just knew.

    The bright smile that was pulled on my lips was my response to him – he took notice.

     The road we were heading down towards got further narrower and more isolated by trees. It’s been an hour of driving and the more miles we went, the more rural the surroundings got.

    “Jesus, where are we?” I shook my head. Luckily, where ever we might be, didn’t have the awful snowing. It was actually clear as could be in the sky out here. I liked that a lot. For once out of this winter, I had finally seen the winter night sky. The stars danced brightly in the dark atmosphere.

“You’ll see.” He said, winking at me.

     Rocks and gravel crunched underneath the car that was shaking left to right with the rate of speed Alex was going.

     The only light that was guiding us were the head lights. Finally, we took a stop in a small field that was enclosed by covered in snow trees that were towering like skyscrapers.

      “We’re here.” He smiled and pulled out the keys from the ignition.

    “I’m confused.” I flat out said. It’s less than thirty degrees out here, had he gone insane?

    “C’mon, you dork. I got blankets.” He hopped out the car, leaving me to only follow him.

    His back trunk was filled with plaid heavy blankets. He picked up the majority of them along with a wicker basket.

I followed his lead and trudged through the snow behind him.

     There was nothing but complete serenity here. The stillness left my lungs open and free. There wasn’t a chilling wind or any snow blowing into my face. The coldness surrounding us was bearable along with the hard snow on the ground.

     I accidently bumped into his back when he took a sudden stop. There was a wooden bench in the middle of the field. Just there, alone, and nothing else on it besides a pile of snow, almost as if no one has been here before, but that was hard to believe.

   Perhaps only Alex knew this place.

    Before I could comprehend, Alex and I were under the blankets and sitting on the bench after he swiped off the snow.

     Once I finally tore my stare away from Alex, my breath was taken away from the beautiful sight of the sky. So clear it was; every star from the galaxy was shown on display.

“Wow,” I said breathlessly.

    Alex’s hand crept behind my back, scooting me closer to him. His scent engulfed into my lungs, nearly getting me high from just that. I snuggled my head onto his shoulder and gazed at the stars.

    It was so rural out here to the point I was able to see every bit of the galaxy. The quietness of nothing but just the pine trees brushing against each other, it was peaceful and calming.

    It put my mind to a rest from the constant thinking of my family, Kenzie, and all that has been going on.

     That’s when I realized why Alex took me here. He knew that I would be able to find peace within my mind out here, away from all the troubles of my life for a little while.

      Alex cleared his throat, grabbing my attention. “I used to come here often to clear my mind. Mostly before I moved into my apartment. I was constantly arguing with my parents to the point I was here to almost every hour of the day, skipping school, and leaving back home around mid-night.”

    I kept inaudible. I could tell that he was about to inform me on something.

     He took a deep breath in and then exhaled it with a cloud of fog forming from the dense cold air. “I used to come here with my older brother when I was little too.”

     I jolted my head away from his shoulder to look at him in the eyes. The moon’s light gave me enough illumination to faintly see them.

   Brother? I never recalled ever meeting his brother…

    “It was first grade when we lost him. I’ve never been the same since then.”

   I choked on mid-air. Alex lost his brother and finally had just told me? “Why are you finally telling me this now? You know I’d be the most understanding out of this.”

   It was true and he knew it too. Kenzie’s death had changed me ever since. Yet here was Alex who at last was telling me about his brother.

     “I just didn’t want to put any more burdens with knowing Kenzie is being brought up more in your household. I know the feeling.”

   “Yeah I know the feeling too.” I sighed. I hated the feeling more than ever, especially because Alex was going through that same feeling. If I could, I would take that pain away from him and endure it for him.

    After a short silence, he spoke again. At this point, I think he just really needed to get all of it out. He never had anyone like me to really talk to about this until now.

    “It was suicide. His name was Jonah. He got into drugs after his girlfriend died, or maybe it was friend. I can’t really remember but it pushed him off the edge.” He sucked in a long breath. “After that, that’s what caused the constant anxiety and panic attacks. I rebelled against by parents. I’d scream and slam the doors behind me that would rattle the whole house. I would sometimes make my mother cry too. Have you ever just looked into your mother’s eyes and saw nothing but horror inside them?”

   “Can’t say I have.” I lied. I knew what it was like all too well and I lied because I wish I had never seen the horror in my mother’s eyes the night of the killing of Kenzie.

    My heart ached while I tried to imagine a seven year old Alex being heartbroken like the way he was and still is today. I could see his tiny self being emotional hurt and just wanted to release the anger over the loss of his brother but no one understood him completely.

    The only reason why I could understand was because I was the same way after the death of Kenzie. But I just kept mute to cover up the pain inside of me. Now that I think of it, maybe that’s why I’ve been so impulsive lately. After years of building up the pain inside of me, I’m releasing it now that Kenzie has been a daily topic for the past two months. It’s nearly driving me insane. Almost like I’m out of my mind…

   “Doesn’t it make you sad to know all of this is so much bigger than us?” He asked me.

   I shrugged. “We all die no matter what.”

    Then, he kissed me, hard. His tongue deepened the kiss while making its way through my lips. The lips of his were cold and chapped, but I was utterly in love with that. His arms held me tightly together, never letting me go and kept me warm from the December weather.

    He pulled away from me, sealing the kiss with an ever so sweet smile. “I love you so fucking much, Laila Rose.”

    I pulled my legs across his lap and wrapped my arms around his neck. “Hmm, I think I have an idea.”

    Closing my eyes to take in the moment, he spoke again. “I swear I’m going to marry you one day.”

    Typically I would have had some type of a greater reaction to the words that were just spoken but all I did was just nod my head in the crook of his neck. It was heartwarming to hear that he saw a future with us together, and I did too. All I ever saw in my future was him; just him and only him.

    “I love you.” I responded with. It was such a bizarre idea of what he brought up and my only reaction was just to tell him the truth and the way I felt.

    Marriage still scared me. All thanks to my parent’s ‘lovely’ divorce. It’s still a mystery of how Alex got me to believe in love, it would be an addition to the seven wonders to get me to marry anyone. But with the idea of Alex being at the altar, I wouldn’t mind the idea of it. But we have so much to go. This was all way over our heads to say the least.

     All my life, my nightmares were my reality and I hated that. I hated my reality. But right now, reality was good in Alex’s arms and the way we were in this empty field surrounded by the woods. For once, I liked my reality.

   “It’s almost mid night. Any New Year resolutions?” He whispered.

    “For 2006, I just want to experience life with you.” I said.

   “That’s not a resolution.”

    “Well, you didn’t let me finish.” I encountered.

   “Oh?”

    “I want to experience new things in life with you. Things that would be out of my comfort zone but not really unless you’re there by my side. I’m willing to do that all with you.” I said less than one breath. “What about you?”

     “Well, for the band, we want to put out another EP. And we’re looking to get signed by maybe Hopeless Records to put out, I don’t know, maybe a second studio album. That would be a dream comes true, along with touring. And as for you, I need you just in general or I won’t function. No pressure.” He jokingly teased at the last part.

   “Alex?”

   “Hmm?”

    “It’s mid night.” I said with a smile.

    “Do you wanna do that cliché couple thing where they kiss since it’s the beginning of a new year?” Wrinkles formed at the edge of his eyes from his smile and the chuckle he gave out after his sentence.

      I nodded my head eagerly with a smile that was making my cheeks burn from how long it was pulling at my lips.

He leaned in and gave me a blissful kiss that I yearned to be everlasting. 

_________a.n 

The Lailex feels ajkdfjakhkasjf

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-KC Sep 12, 2014