Chapter 5

"Also, I kissed you on the forehead and confessed. I like you, P'Off. More than you know."

The only sound to be heard is the ding! of the elevator. I want to look at him to see his reaction, but I'm too scared. I guess it really is a wrong idea to confess.

"I guess I'm going home now then." I just said without looking at him.

"Wait!" I felt his hands on my wrist. I kept my head down, but I turned towards him.

"I... did not expect that you'd be able to muster the courage to confess." I did not know what to feel with his words. I looked at him in the eyes.

"What do you mean?" I asked. His face was unreadable, but he was avoiding my gaze.

"I've always had the idea that you might be into me, but that's crazy! I'm a guy!" His tone went higher and sharper than usual. It felt like a stab in the heart.

"So? What does being a guy has to do with feelings? Is it wrong to be a guy and like another guy?" My voice cracked. He consciously looked around, looking worried as if someone might hear us. He pulled me to the empty parking lot. It felt like another stab for the guy I like to seem like he's ashamed of being seen with me.

"Why did you have to confess? You were silent and passive around my antics. Why did you have to tell me now that... about that?" The frustration in his voice stung my eyes. I inhaled deeply to try to calm my heart down, but how can I calm down when my heart feels like it's being assassinated?

"Should I have not confessed, then? Did you enjoy it so much when I was passive and silent with your antics? So, now that I've become vocal about it, you don't have anything to play with anymore? Is that how you think of me?" I'm filled with anger and frustration, but more than anything, I'm filled with pain. My heart is bleeding pools of tears. All this time we're friends, he knew how I felt and decided to play with it.

"It's not that-"

"That's how it is to me! You always act sweet around me. You're not that way with other people. You can't blame me if it raised my hopes up. I tried to suppress my feelings! You don't know how hard I tried not to fall for you. You think it's normal for me to like someone older than me, much less a guy? It's not! I've questioned myself for a very long time!" I've had so many pent-up emotions I've tried to hide for a long time. The words just kept on flowing out my mouth. I was indeed silent and passive most of the time. I did not show my feelings, but he kept getting close to me. How can I not fall?

"I wasn't trying to-" I abruptly cut him off again.

"No! Even if it wasn't your intention to make me fall for you, you're still partly at fault here! Every time my heart beats fast when you smile at me, I assume it's because of the coffee. When I feel butterflies in my stomach when you laugh at my jokes, I'd think it's just because I'm happy. When you do these little things that show that you care about me, even when you mess with my hair and tries to steal some of my food when we eat out, I say to me it's just me getting used to your antics. I gave myself so many reasons not to like you, but my heart won't listen because that's not how you make me feel!" Why does he have to act differently around me? Sure I like him, but that does not mean that he can play with my feelings.

"Look, I'm sorry if-" I don't even want to hear him feeling sorry for my murdered feelings.

"No, don't tell me your sorry. It's me who's sorry for falling for you. I'm sorry that I felt things that I shouldn't have felt for you. You did not know how much I hated myself for feeling this way. You did not know how hard it was for me to even accept my feelings. Now, I mustered the courage to confess, and what did I get? I realize that you were playing with my feelings on purpose." My cheeks are wet with tears I've suppressed for all the time he hurt me before.

"Gun, just listen to me." I shook my head.

"D-Did you even think of me as a friend, at the very least?" I asked him even if my voice cracked. I wiped my tears away, then inhaled deeply and tried to center myself.

I looked at him in the eyes and felt my heart melt. Damn. How can I still like him knowing that he played with my feelings?

"I'm sorry if-" I really don't want to hear him feeling sorry for me.

"I don't want you sorry. I just want your answer. Did you think of me as a friend, at the very least? Or was I simply a source of entertainment?" He sighed exasperatedly. This conversation is wearing us down. He should've let me go home a while ago.

"Look, I admit that I might've played with your feelings-"

"And you were an a-hole for that," I said snidely.

"Can you please not cut me off every time I have something to say?" He asked frustratedly.

"No. I'm hurt. My feelings are trampled. How can I listen to the same person who did those things?" I noticed his eyes getting watery. I felt my defenses crumble, but I put them up again. Just because he's hurting doesn't mean I can let him hurt even more.

"I think we should just talk again tomorrow." He sighed in defeat.

"No. I want to know how you thought of me. I tried my best to be a good friend to you despite my feelings. Did you not consider me as a friend, too?" I asked.

"Gun, we're obviously both tired and emotionally unstable-"

"I don't care! Just answer my question-"

This time, he was the one who cut me off, not through his words, but through his lips on mine.

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