Chapter 16

"I'm coming next week," I told Zayn through the phone.

"Good. How are you doing?"

"Fine," I replied while staring at myself in the mirror, noticing the thinning body. I lifted up my shirt and studied my already small stomach, getting smaller. I went to the doctor three days ago and they diagnosed me with depression. It didn't come as a surprise to anyone. It was almost obvious.

"Don't lie to me," Zayn said quietly.

"I'm not lying." I pulled my shirt down and went into the kitchen to get tea.

I like to eat still, it's not like I stopped completely, but I just don't have an appetite anymore. I'll nibble on some fruit and vegetables here and there, but I'll rarely have a full meal. Tracy and Kris both ask me to go out to eat constantly, but I won't because they'll just force food onto me. Right now, I just want to sleep and dance.

"Don't over do anything, alright? Make sure you're eating and sleeping-"

"Tracy told you, didn't she," I said quietly.

"Yeah, she did," Zayn said with a slight sadness to the end. "Ray, you aren't alone. You can talk to me and Tracy and Kris."

"I know, Zayn."

"Then why don't you talk to us? Why don't you eat? Why can't you just allow us to help you?" Zayn said with a hint of frustration.

"Because I lost my baby girl, Zayn! How can someone ever be ok after that?!" I yelled.

"People get better! Raven, what happened was the worst thing to ever happen to us, but everyone needs to move on. Jade wouldn't want you to just mope around! The sun will always shine. Take that advice. You aren't alone in this god damn mess, Raven. Jade isn't gone. She's still in your heart, but until you accept that, you'll be miserable."

"I don't want to feel ok, Zayn. I want to feel the pain Jade did. I don't want her to be alone!"

"Until you let Jade go, she will be alone." Zayn said I love you then hung up. I ran a hand through my hair and sighed, realizing he's right.

I set my hands on the counter and sighed, letting my mind wander to my little girl. "I won't let you go," I whispered. "I can't let you go, Jade."

~~~

"This is Raven," Zayn said politely, gesturing me to the man in front of us.

"Nice to meet you, Raven. I'm Bill Mitch. I own this theater," he said proudly.

"That would be why it's called Mitch Theater, right?" I asked, allowing a small smile fall on my lips while looking at the young business man in front of us.

"Well, technically it's named after my grandfather, but you can say that." We all chuckled together. Zayn's hand crept into my own and squeezed. My hand wandered up towards my neck, toying with the charm of a silver 'J' hung just below my collar bones.

"Paul is in the other room so you guys can talk about the security," Zayn said, pointing towards the door. Bill excused himself and left Zayn and I alone to wander up and down the aisles of chairs in the theater, since the rest of the boys were making a mess elsewhere.

"This is a small venue, isn't it?" I asked, watching as Zayn walked towards the stage.

"Smaller, yes. But these are sometimes the funnest," he shouted back to me. He pulled himself onto the edge and let his feet dangle off the edge. "Hey, I know this is Harry's thing, but can I sing you something?"

"Why are you asking?" I pondered. "You just ruined any chance of being romantic."

"I wouldn't say that quite yet," he said with a smirk. The giant room became silent as he stared at me, spinning the bracelets on his tanned wrist.

"Isn't she lovely, isn't she wonderful. Isn't she precious, less than one minute old," he sang beautifully. I walked down the declined pathway towards the stage, my hand gliding across the tops of the chairs where screaming girls will be in less than 5 hours.

"I never thought through love we'd be, making one as lovely as she, but isn't she lovely made from love." I was two rows in front of him as he stood up and reached his hand out. 

"Zayn, why are you-"

He quickly interrupted me with more singing and a finger held up to shush me. "Isn't she pretty, truly the angel's best. Boy, I'm so happy. We have been heaven blessed. I can't believe what God has done. Through us he's given life to one. But isn't she lovely, made from love."

"I don't get it, Zayn. Why-"

"I have never loved anyone more than how I loved her," he said quietly. I walked closer to the stage and held out my hand. Zayn gripped my arm and pulled me up with ease. "You weren't the only one who lost your little girl, Jade. I did, too. We did." 

I crossed my arms and watched Zayn intently as workers slowly began to flood into the stage doors. 

"Raven, we are going to get through this together." He reached for both of my hands and held them up to his mouth, leaving feathery kisses all over them. I pulled my hands out of his and wrapped my arms around his neck. "I promise you, I'll always love you more than I can love anyone else," he whispered, his lips against my ear.

I leant back and looked over Zayn's expression. I let Jade's death really effect how I lived every day and it will constantly effect my life. That won't ever subside, and every one has to accept it, the way I have.

"You don't deserve any pain, Raven. You can't be acting depressed," Zayn said quietly, leading me to the edge of the stage again.

"But I do," I said quietly. I slid off the stage without any assisstance, collected my bag and turned to Zayn. "I'm not acting."

"What?" Zayn's eyebrows knitted together. He got off the stage and walked towards me.

"Tracy failed to tell you something, Zayn," I muttered, repositioning my bag on my shoulder.

"She failed to tell me something? Raven, you failed to tell me what was wrong," he said with hurt eyes and a low voice.

"It wasn't suppose to me a problem. They gave me medicine, they were giving me help. I thought-" I began to explain, but Zayn grabbed my shoulders. I quickly closed my mouth and stared at him.

"Was it working?" He asked, gripping my shoulder tighter. I didn't say anything. 

No, I wanted to say. No, it isn't working. It feels like everything is still closing in on me. I still feel like I need to feel the pain that you say I shouldn't. I still feel it. I still want to.

"I guess," I lied. 

"Stop lying about this, Raven. Neither of us are happy, but you can't let that just keep hurting you!" He yelled. "I'm hurting too, Raven!" He shoved my shoulders and turned around, pushing a fist to his forehead. "I'm in pain, too!"

"But you weren't there, seeing her grow up the way I was!" I shouted. "You weren't there for her at the beginning and that's when I felt it. That's when I felt that feeling that I've always wanted! The feeling that I had a reason to be living!"

"She was your reason, yet you left her? You left us?"

"Drop that, Zayn! Stop holding onto the past!" I yelled.

"Why don't you do the same?!" Zayn yelled so loud that any bustle back stage stopped. I watched as the vein in his neck unswelled and became less protruding.

I felt like a hyprocrite. He was right, I was holding onto the past, but could you blame me for it? I lost my baby, my little girl. I lost my everything. 

"I'm going back to the room," I said quietly, feeling the tears spill over. "I'll see you when the show is over."

"No, Ray, stay-" Zayn began to plead. I shook my head and trotted out of the theatre, my black hair loosening in my hair-tie with every step.

I ran out of the theatre and into the lobby of the venue. The awaiting girls outside all began to shout and scream as I neared the front enterance. I froze, beginning to reevaluate my ways out. The screams increased to a higher deciple before I even made a choice.

"You can't leave out that way. Why are you leaving in the first place?" Lou's voice asked from behind me. I turned around to see him sipping on a smoothie of some sort. "You aren't possibly skipping out on sound check, are ya? It's the funnest part."

"I need to go home," I said, raising my voice due to the frequency of the the screams outside.

"I can get you a car back to the hotel, if you need it. Where's Zayn? Wouldn't he be-"

"No, home, Lou. Not the hotel."

He chuckled. "Home is about a two hour flight, not exactly walking distance."

I let a small smile onto my lips, but soon dropped it. "Is there a way I can get back to the hotel soon?"

"Yeah, go down there." Louis pointed towards a door way. "Paul is down there. He can get someone to take you then bring you back."

"Thanks, Louis," I said quickly before running towards the doorway. I looked back to see Zayn running down the flight of stairs I just recently decended from. I didn't look again once I was in sight of the room where Paul was.

Once I was at the hotel, chances are, I'm not coming back.

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short, I'm sorry.. but I'm having bad writer's block and it's a busy weekend. You guys didn't even get to 10 votes, but I'm letting it slide... again. oh well. 

Thanks for everything so far guys!

No dedication since I'm in a hurry. I'll proof-read eventually.

Quick announcement, good and bad.

I'll start with the bad so the good sounds... gooder.

bad- The updates are going to slow down even more. I have big tests coming up and I just won't have a lot of time to write. 

good!- I'm writing a story that means a lot to me. I haven't posted it yet because I don't want to until I know I'll get feedback. It's a Louis one, but not like the ordinary Louis. anyways, that's it!

thanks for everything! Get some votes! :)