Chapter 87

“Ben, what the hell are you doing here?” I panic. I can’t even think straight at the moment and now he turns up out of the blue. Something’s not right.

“What? Can’t I come round to a friend’s house once in a while?” he raises his eyebrow and I stare at him in confusion. “Lucy, you look like you’ve seen a ghost”

I shake my head, “No, seriously. Why are you here?”

“I’ve just come to see you” he says as if it’s obvious, letting out a forced laugh afterwards.

“Okay...” I trail off, stepping aside so he can come in. I turn around and frown at him before shaking off my suspicions and leading him into the living room. Now to get Eleanor out... “Eleanor, um-“

“Wow, moving on so quick” she chuckles when she sees Ben and I just glare at her. “It’s alright, I’m going” she huffs, storming out of the room.

“What was that about?” Ben frowns, sitting on the sofa with me.

“We’ve had an argument” I roll my eyes and he just nods.

“What does she mean by moving on?” he frowns again and I sigh. He’s the last person I want to talk to about this.

“Nothing” I shake it off but he just raises an eyebrow. “Me and Conor had an argument”

“Same old, same old” he rolls his eyes.

“Ben-“

“Why do you even give him a chance, Lucy? He fucks you over so much”

“We’re not getting into this Ben, just leave it” I moan, trying to end the conversation as soon as possible. He can’t just invite himself over to complain about mine and Conor’s relationship.

“Right, whatever” he shrugs. I smile slightly and try and think about what to have a conversation with him about.

“So, any particular reason why you came over?” I smile slightly and he shakes his head.

“Just came to say hi. I was passing so I thought, why not?” he sighs and I nod. “I don’t get why you never give me a chance” he continues his rant and I moan. “No Lucy, let me finish. I try so hard with you. You say I’m nice, attractive, funny, whatever but you never give me a chance. He comes along, fucks you over loads and you still give him chance after chance”

“I can’t help who I fall in love with, Ben!” I raise my voice slightly.

“You are not in love with him” he laughs dryly.

“Don’t you dare just come here and start arguing with me about who I am and aren’t in love with!” I shout and he just laughs again.

“I’ve done nothing wrong to you, ever. You even fuck me over but I forgive you every time. I don’t know where I’m going wrong, Lucy”

“You’re not going wrong anywhere! Ben, I really like you. Yeah, you’re attractive, funny and really nice but I only like you as a friend” I try to put it nicely. I’m so mad at him for coming over unexpectedly and complaining about me and Conor.

“What’s he done this time, Lucy? Talk to another girl? Argue with you over something pathetic?”

“That’s none of your business!” I frown.

“Well it is because you’ll come crawling back to me if the argument lasts over three days. If that!” he shouts.

“Keep your voice down and stop being so pathetic!” I snap. “Look, I’m going through something else right now so can you not scream at me for being in love”

“You’re not in love! You don’t know the meaning of it!”

“Why do people say that!?” I scream and let a tear roll down my face. “Is it because I’m only fifteen? Is it because I’m with someone ‘like Conor’ because seriously, whatever the reason is, it’s pathetic. Why can’t I be in love, Ben? Why do people not like the idea of me being in love? You say I’m not, Eleanor thinks I’m not, I’m even convinced that my Mum thinks it stupid! But why? Is it because you’re fucking jealous that I’m in love with Conor and not you? You’re pathetic Ben! And you’re lucky Conor’s not here right now”

“Why? So he can hit me again for knocking some sense into you?” he shouts back at me and by this point, we’re both stood up in the middle of the living room. I hate him so much for coming here and saying this.

“You’re not knocking any sense into me! You’re trying to control me and that’s one thing that Conor isn’t, a control freak!”

“Conor’s also not nice, caring, considerate-“

“Stop right there! You don’t know Conor the way that I know him. Nobody does and maybe that’s why they don’t think I’m in love. If any of you knew what Conor was really like, you’d all respect him so much more than you do so just fuck off Ben!” I shout again and sit down on the sofa, giving up with the argument. If he says anything else, I’m just going to cry because I can’t fight anymore. Without Conor here to defend me, I feel weak.

The room is silent for ages and the only noise in the room is from Ben’s boots pacing up and down my living room, and my quiet sobbing. I can’t hold it in anymore. Conor’s out there, flirting with another girl and having fun, while I’m having an argument with Ben, defending our relationship that’s tumbling down.

“You’re right” Ben sighs, sitting next to me on the sofa. I sniffle slightly and look up at him.

“What?” I croak.

“I shouldn’t interfere with your relationship with him. I get that you love him and whatever” he explains and I send him a glare. “I get that you love him but I care for you Lucy. I hate seeing that he’s doing all this stuff to you and you just let him do it. I’d never do that to you”

“But I’m not in love with you, Ben. He’s not as bad as he used to be, we’re getting through it” I try to explain to him but I know that he’ll never understand our relationship. No one does.

He nods understandingly, “I get it”

No you don’t.

“I’m sorry” I sigh.

“What for?”

“I don’t know. Not being in love with you I guess” I shrug and he chuckles lightly. He leans into me and pulls me up to his chest, resting his chin on my head.

“I forgive you” he says and I laugh quietly, wiping away a few tears. “I’m sorry for coming here and making you cry”

“Don’t worry about it” I brush it off. I’m used to it. We have a few moments silence again and I’m still lead in Ben’s arms. I hear the living room door open slightly and I just assume it’s Eleanor coming back in for something she’s left, until I look up and see Conor standing there, his jaw clenched and his fists white.

“What the fuck!?” he shouts, scaring the shit out of me. I jump out of Ben’s arms and stand up.

“Conor, you should go” I panic, walking up to him to try and relax him. Shit, shit, shit.

He pushes me out of the way slightly and practically pounces on Ben, throwing punch after punch at his face. A table gets knocked over and a Christmas ornament smashes from their violent fighting. Ben’s throwing punches and Conor’s screaming at him while hitting him as hard as possible. I scream in horror and run over to the boys rolling around on the floor punching the shit out of each other.

“Conor, get off him!” I scream, pulling one of his arms away from Ben but he quickly flinches away and continues to punch Ben like a punch bag.

“How many fucking times do I have to tell you to stay away from her?” Conor shouts, punching Ben’s jaw repeatedly. “You’re fucking dead this time”

“STOP!” I scream again. This is getting way out of hand. I try my hardest to pull Conor off Ben before he actually dies. It’s gotten to the point where Ben’s not even fighting back anymore and it’s seriously worrying me. I feel sick just watching Conor like this. He’s a monster.

I look around for help and I just see Eleanor stood at the living room door with her hand over her mouth, watching the fight in shock. I let out a loud groan and turn back to the fight.

“Conor, throw one more punch and we’re done!” I shout. He throws one more punch to his nose before standing up off Ben and kicking him repeatedly in the stomach. “Get the fuck out, now!” I scream, pushing Conor away from Ben and pointing towards the door.

“I’m not going if he’s still here” he points down at Ben just lying on the floor.

“Are you going to stand there or are you going to fucking help!?” I shout at Eleanor and she snaps out of her trance and runs over to Ben. “I said, get the fuck out” I repeat myself to Conor.

“No way. What the fuck is he doing here?” he glares at me. His mouth is bleeding as well as his nose, and his left eye is swollen.

“That doesn’t matter. Look what you’ve done!” I look over at Ben and just see Eleanor sat on the floor next to him, patting his cheek to wake him up. “You’re a fucking monster, now get out!”

“Lucy, he’s fucking up our relationship. I told you so many times to stay away from him and I fucking threatened him to stay away from you but he’s still here, just to fuck us up!” he shouts, running his bloody hand through his hair.

“No, you’ve already fucked up the relationship. We’re done, Conor! I don’t even care anymore!” I scream at him and his eyes grow the size of golf balls.

“What the fuck?”

“We’re fucking done! Now get out before I call the fucking police!” I step away from him and wipe a tear away from my eye.

“Luce, baby-“

“Fuck off!” I scream one last time and with that, he storms out of the house, slamming the front door behind him.

“Lucy, I-“

“I bet you’re loving every second of this, aren’t you!? I fucking hate you so much, Eleanor. You let Conor in, knowing that Ben was here and now look what you’ve done! It’s all your fucking fault!” I cry my eyes out, falling to the floor next to Ben and putting my hand under his head, sitting him up slightly. “You stood there just watching and didn’t even try to help me! I hate you so fucking much!”

“But-“

“Just go! You’re not helping at all” I cry again and she huffs before walking away.

“Are you sure you don’t need-“

“I’m positive” I snap at her, interrupting her for the third time. I look down at Ben, deciding if I should call the ambulance or not. I’ve dealt with this so many times but this time, he’s not waking up. “Ben, please wake up. Come on” I cry, shaking him slightly. My clothes are covered in blood and I’m just holding him in my arms. “Come on, Ben”

“Mmm” he stirs, opening one eye slightly.

“Please, Ben!” I smile slightly, happy that he’s not dead or anything. “Wake up, come on”

“Lucy?” he almost gasps. He sits up slightly and rests his back on the front of the sofa, holding his head. “Where’s Conor?”

“I kicked him out” I sigh. “Are you alright to walk? We need to get you cleaned up”

“Um, yeah I think so” he nods slightly, slowly standing up, holding me for balance. We slowly walk to the bathroom and I quickly soak a clean cloth. I sit him on the toilet lid and do the routine I’m usually doing for Conor. I sit on the rim of the bath and clear up all the blood on his face. Once I’ve done everything I can to help him, I clean everything up in the bathroom and go back downstairs, knowing Ben will follow.

I go into the living room and see that it’s already been cleaned up, obviously by Eleanor. Well that’s one less job for me.

“Lucy, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for any of this to happen” Ben apologises from behind me.

“I feel like you just came here to mess things up for me. Whenever I’m with you, it never ends well so why come?” I sigh, too weak to shout. I’ve just broken up with my boyfriend because of him.

“I wasn’t thinking straight. He’s bad for-“

“Just go” I interrupt him, shaking my head slightly and storming upstairs.

I open my bedroom door and see Eleanor led on the bed on her phone so I immediately close the door and climb on the banister, opening the attic door and jumping up. I close the door behind me and look around the empty room, seeing the mattresses we set up on Christmas day in the exact same spots as we left them. Tears are still streaming down my face so I decide to just sit on one of the mattresses and think.

Conor and I haven’t really broken up have we? I love him more than anything and I can’t begin to imagine my life without him. I was just so pissed off at him for turning up and knocking Ben unconscious. I should be used to it by now but I’ve never seen him get that bad.

It’s bad that I should even be used to this type of stuff. It’s not right for Conor to be hitting people like that at the age of sixteen. It’s not right for anyone to do that but he did it right in front of me. I had to watch the two of them fight over nothing.

Before I turned up here, the two of them were practically brothers but I had to mess everything up and turn them against each other. I hate myself for it. Why can’t Conor just let me explain the situation before he jumps to conclusions and knocks Ben unconscious?

I hate Ben for even coming here and talking to me. I knew that something wasn’t right the second I saw him at my front door, claiming that he’s just come to see me. I feel like he just came round to mess things up, just like he always does. I feel like Conor’s right about him. The amount of times that Conor’s told me that he’s a fuck up, or a jerk or much worse words, I’ve always just brush it off and gave Ben a chance, but the argument we had today has proven to me that Conor’s kind of right.

I never believe Conor when he says that Ben’s said all this stuff to him about me because I thought that Ben was better than that, and Conor was probably just trying to start an argument, but I feel like such an idiot that I didn’t actually believe my own boyfriend over Ben.

I can’t believe I even told Conor that we’re over. I fucking love him more than words can say. He’s the best boyfriend in the world and I wouldn’t change a single thing about him, even his aggressiveness.

I’m so pissed off at Eleanor too for letting Conor into the house, knowing that I’m going to be talking to Ben in the living room. She knows how much they hate each other and if I was even in the same room as Ben, Conor would go crazy. And then she just stood there at the living room door and didn’t even try to help me. All this because of that stupid argument we had before? She really wants to put me through this much pain.

I just want Ben and Conor to get along with each other like in the olden days but I guess that’s never going to happen.

I lie down on the mattress and burry my head in a pillow, letting all my tears out into it. What have I done?

-

I wake up to a loud thud coming from the corner of the room. I sit up immediately and look over at the open door, seeing Eleanor’s head pop out of the small whole. I groan and lie back down, remembering all of the events that have happened today. I must’ve fallen asleep while I was crying and thinking about how bad of a person I am.

“Sorry” she whispers, climbing into the room and sitting on one of the mattresses. “Mum texted me saying they won’t be back till late so we’ll have to order a takeout or something. I don’t suppose you want to cook” she chuckles but I remain silent. “Lucy, I know you hate my guts right now for being such a bitch but can you just hear me out?” she asks politely so I frown and sit up to look at her.

“Ok” I simply say.

“I’m so sorry for arguing with you before. I was just trying to make a point but I took things too far and I don’t know why I said half the stuff I said. You’re not a slag, I promise” she smiles slightly.

“You called me a slut” I frown.

“You’re not one of those either” she nods and I smirk slightly. “And I heard your argument with Ben and, well one, he’s a dick. And two, I shouldn’t have argued with you being in love with Conor. I’ve never been in love so I don’t know what I’m talking about. If you’re in love with him, I respect that and I won’t argue with you about it. And when Conor knocked on the door, I wasn’t going to let him in because I knew it would be a bad idea so I came up with an excuse for you. He assumed something was wrong with you so he just barged past me and went into the living room. I tried my hardest, Lucy. I swear I tried to keep him out but he was worried. I couldn’t think of an excuse in time” she starts to cry and I let a tear roll down my cheek.

“It’s not your fault, El” I shake my head slightly and sniffle. I wipe away a tear and she does the same.

“You know I’d never let him in when Ben’s around. He goes all psycho” she shivers and I laugh slightly. “I’ve never ever seen a fight like that in my life, Lucy. I didn’t know how to help in any way so I just stood at the door in shock! I honestly didn’t know what to do. I was panicking and deciding if I should call the police or something”

“Eleanor, it’s alright” I crack a small smile and shake my head.

“I’m so so so sorry” she cries and I pull her into me for a hug.

“It’s fine” I reassure her.

“Have you really broken up with him?” she asks hesitantly as she pulls away from me.

“I hope not. I was just so angry and I don’t know what to do” I start to cry again.

“Lucy, it’s okay. I’m sure he’ll understand!” she tries to calm me but I can’t stop crying. I love him so much and I’ve just let him go like that. We’ve just had an amazing Christmas together and now it’s over.

“But I said that if he hit Ben again, we’re over and he still hit him. What if he doesn’t even want a relationship anymore?”

“He was so angry, Lucy! He did it just out of anger”

“But I’ve let him down. I know how he feels about me and Ben but I still let Ben come in” I sigh.

“It’s not your fault he came round! You were only being nice by letting him in. I’m sure Conor will understand that” she frowns.

I doubt he’ll understand any of this. I’ve let him down so much.

“What am I going to do about Sweden?” I panic.

“You would’ve sorted it by then, I swear” she chuckles. “You know what you two are like”

“Shut up” I laugh slightly, wiping away my final tears. I look down at my charm bracelet and smile at all the memories. We’re not over, I know it. Forever and always, right?

“Let’s order some food. There’s nothing a Chinese take away can’t solve, right?” Eleanor smirks, standing up from the mattress.

“Erm, pizza” I correct her, following her out of the attic.

“But I want Chinese” she pouts.

“Who’s the one going through a hard time here?” I point to myself and she rolls her eyes.

“Just this once” she glares at me and I mentally cheer. But all I can think about is me and Conor.

I need to sort this out, fast.