forty-three

Kao

I bit on my lower lip as I looked at Rein staring at me the way I stared at her five years ago when she told me she slept with her first official boyfriend two months into dating him.

I was both surprised and unsure on what to tell her that time specially because the guy she did the deed with was my boyfriend's best friend.

And now that I was alone in my room and was sure that I was able to lock the door so nobody could disturb me when I called Rein again just right after I run from her and our other video call earlier and was finally able to tell her about me kissing Pete, we were now on each other's places of reaction five years ago.

"Wait. Okay, so, let me just clarify this one, you, kisses Pete? Just this morning. Right?"

I groaned inwardly and blew raspberry.

She didn't really have to repeat that but yeah, well she did and so I just had to nod at her because that's what really happened.

"So you mean to tell me, that after all the-I don't have feelings for him anymore, I've moved on already, I'm not getting back together with him, I'm just trying to grab the opportunity to live my life back and accept his help, I don't believe him when he said he wanted me back-you just straight up pulled him in for a kiss in the middle of the road!?! Is that it or did I miss anything!?!"

My mouth hung open when Rein finished running all her list down after shutting me up multiple times through her statement.

"Why are you so mean!?! You really didn't have to-!"

I glared at her as she snickered and shook her head at me.

"Of course I did. And you know I was right. Anyway, for a while."

I furrowed my brows when Rein stood up and brought her phone as she walked to the other room and peeked on the door.

I was so ready for a talk with her but I just saw her pushed the phone screen on her chest as she regarded the guy in the next room.

"Honey, I'm in a call with my OBGYN, I need some time, will you be okay watching the baby for me for a while?"

I heard her say and I didn't have to know who she was talking to when I heard Kaleb replied.

"Anything, for you my love. Take your time."

I groaned when I heard a kissing sound.

"Thanks. Love you!"

Rein's image moved on my screen as I heard the couple yelled at each other their I love you's.

"Love you!"

I felt Rein walking as I heard Kaleb on the background .

She got inside a room and went straight ahead to a what seemed to be comfort room and she laid her phone down on the counter sink and sat I front of it.

Rein informed me she was in their room's comfort room.

"I'm your OBGYN now!?!"

I asked when she was final seated in front of me.

"I need to say that so he would not disturb us."

Rein smirked at me.

"I'm sure we need more that an hour to talk about this."

I made a face at her.

"What about the baby?"

I asked as I suddenly felt guilty holding Rein up from her time with her baby.

"It's okay. Kaleb knows his way with our son and I've already had few bottles of pumped milk so it should be fine. Father and son need to bond from time to time too, don't worry too much."

Rein smiled at me before I nodded and mouthed her a thank you because I could really use a friend at the moment.

"You lied to Kaleb. You lied to him in the face just right before you told him you love him."

I said when we were finally settled in and was ready to talk.

"I love him. That's all there is to know and believe. And no! Don't change the subject. We're still talking about you and Pete."

I sighed.

I did say I wanted and needed a friend to talk to but now that Rein seemed to be ready for me to talk, I can't seem to do it.

"There's none of that!"

I groaned as I gave my reply.

Saying that was almost and over statement.

"Whatever helps you sleep at night my dear Kao!"

Rein replied and gave me her knowing look.

"Okay, so, you kissed Pete. Why are you telling me this now?"

I looked at Rein yet again as I wet my lips and bit on my inner mouth.

"You know that I don't have a lot of friends. And I certainly can't talk to your husband about it so I'm taking my shot on you."

I told Rein who laughed at what I said.

"I'm not sure whether to take that as a compliment or what?"

I groaned in protest which made her smile and eventually cry laughing.

"Rein!!!"

I called her out.

One, for trying to tease me about my dilemma and two, for always being there with me from the very beginning.

Even if we were not able to see each other for the last five years, and not even have contact, Rein and I instant hit it off just the same when we were finally able to meet again, even though virtually.

"What!?!"

Rein laughed at me.

I just hope she knows I'm really thankful for her and that I appreciate our friendship.

From then on till now.

"Come on, Kao! Tell me why you kissed Pete!"

Yeah, well, Rein could also be really nosy too.

"Yes?"

She raised her eyebrows at me as she coaxed me.

Damn!

I even praised her in the beginning and now she's being like this to me!

I groaned loudly when I realized she was serious and was not letting me off.

"I don't know what to do, I'm confused! I don't know how to face him or what to tell him when I do face him."

I ended up telling her as I stood up and paced.

"Why?"

I was unmoved as I looked at Rein from my phone screen.

Good thing I accepted the phone Pete offered me-from the company.

"What do you mean why!?!"

I furrowed my brows at her.

Sometimes she doesn't really get it.

"You just mentioned how I said no to him and yet I just pulled him in for a kiss out of the blue."

Which was really stupid, I think.

And yet I did it myself.

Nice one!

"And that's a problem, how!?! Why!?!"

I stared at Rein.

Gaped.

Are we on the same page!??

"I don't know."

I shrugged and said when she wouldn't stop staring at me and it was starting to get scary.

"What do you mean you didn't know? Like you were possessed or something when you did it!?!"

I blinked at Rein.

Not sure how to answer her.

Because yes, did I really not know what I was doing when I kissed him!?!

"I-look, I can't think about it and not be embarrassed with what I did okay, just let me-!"

I heard Rein tutted on the other line.

I looked at her and she was pouting and shaking her head at me.

"Kao! You're embarrassed after a kiss, just a kiss with Pete!?! Please, don't act as if you two didn't have sex back in high school."

My eyes widened at the new momma in front of me.

Such vulgar mouth she has!

"Rein!!!"

I glared at her as I felt hot in the face with what she said.

I really didn't need to be reminded about that.

The kiss earlier was embarrassing enough.

"Okay, okay! I'm just saying."

Rein rolled her eyes at me before she leaned closer and looked at me intensely.

"Be honest with me, okay? Why did you do it then? Why kiss him all of a sudden?"

I bit on my lower lip.

I was emotional and was a crying mess and then it happened.

That was it.

"I don't know, I was, maybe I was just too emotional at that time I just lost it."

Or maybe I'm just really plainly stupid.

"And you thought kissing him will help you find yourself again!?!"

Rein asked and I couldn't respond anything because I had nothing to respond it with and because I actually don't know what to think anymore.

"Here's the thing, Kao, you kissed him, because you wanted to. Stop beating yourself up about it. And maybe, just maybe, that kiss could also signify that you're ready. Ready for another chance at love again. With Pete."

Rein held her phone up before and regarded me seriously.

"You really don't have to think about it too much, Kao. Just listen to your heart, what does it say!?!"

I heaved a sigh before I stared at Rein for sometime.

Am I really ready to listen to my heart!?!

I had been hearing it speak since the first time I saw Pete again after so long and yet I refused to listen.

I tried to drown it's voice and covered it up with the hatred I thought I have for Pete but as the days passed by and I keep on seeing the guy, as much I didn't want to admit but my heart slowly came to realize, that maybe, just maybe, I really wasn't hating on him but that, maybe, after all these time, I just missed him and that it was the pain of missing him that I hated and not him.

But am I really ready to accept that fact and admit it to myself?

Am I really ready for what's about to happen after this!?!

I looked Rein looking at me with her comforting smile.

She had the same smile during the toughest time of my life as she told how someday, things will be okay and I think, she really knew that it will be because now, it is.

I think.

"What's stopping you?"

I heaved a sigh and sat on my bed as I held the phone in my hand.

"I'm scared."

There, I said it.

"I lost everything once and it was devastating. I can't lose it all over again."

I said as I run a hand on my hair and sniffed my tears back.

I didn't want to cry but I felt like it would be hard not to now.

Not when Rein was already crying and I ended up crying and laughing at the same time as she did and we were like that for sometime-just being crazy, until Rein spoke.

"I don't know what to tell you about your fear because I was never in your shoes and I didn't want to be but, Kao, here's what I know, people may disappear in your life for reasons we wouldn't have idea about or control over but, just like your parents, those who really love us would stay in us in more ways than one. And that people may leave us but those people who really love us would come back. And once they do, they'd finally stay."

I bit on my lower lip and wiped my tears off my face.

I was not aware I was crying again.

It's just that, what Rein said hit so hard.

"But of course I can't decide for you. At the end of the day, no matter what I say or what other people say, no matter how much effort Pete put into getting you back, it would always be your decision. All I could hope is that for you to make the right one. But either way, I just really hope that you'd be happy. Because you deserved it. We all do. Pete too."

I know that.

And I wish I could just say that I don't have a problem with being happy but the fact is I'm scared as hell of it.

I've learned from past experiences that the great the amount of happiness, the greater the pain you'd felt when it's finally over.

I had it with my parents.

I had the same with Pete and it was devastating.

For the longest time I refused to be happy.

And then Pete reappeared, and even if I didn't want to.

Even if I tried not to, I found myself smiling secretly every time he's around.

And I realized I was happy again.

And that even if I didn't want to, it's hard when there's Pete.

"You know what they say, at the end of the day, it's the chance that we didn't take that hurts the most. Take it from me. It wouldn't be as much as yours maybe but I did my fair share of risk taking. It was scary yes, and it didn't really turn out as I planned but Kao, it sure did turn out to be what I wanted. It's your call."

I looked at Rein and asked her something that I had been thinking about lately but was too scared to act upon.

"Are you saying I should give Pete a chance?"

Rein smiled at me and what she told me next hit like home.

"No. What I'm saying is, give your self a chance."