Chapter 33 - If only they knew who I really am

Chapter 33 - If only they knew who I really am

TW - mention of abuses

Perrie pov

I run as fast as I can while avoiding the photographers outside the flat and all the people staring at me on the street.

I can't help but remember the day Jade left me as the scene seems to repeat itself in the exact same way.

I keep running away from Jade, Lesy and the shame I feel right now.

The fact that they saw those videos only makes me feel dirty.

I feel disgusting and I dare not imagine what they thought of me.

They shouldn't have seen them

I know how I looked, Alex used to show them to me when he was angry just to humiliate and torture me some more, as if what he had done until just before wasn't enough.

I knew that those videos would be used as evidence, one way or another, but I had done my best not to think about when it would really happen.

I tried to focus on my recovery and my relationship with Jade to think as little as possible about how the fucking trial would unfold.

The shame is tearing me apart, I want to run endlessly until I find a place where no one knows me, I don't even dare to imagine what will happen if Jade sees them, she will be so deeply disgusted with me that she won't even be able to look me in the fucking face.

I try not to think about how I could have done things differently in the past because every doubt comes to the conclusion that I was wrong.

If I had decided to talk to Jade about it right away, Alex would never have made it this far, all this shit would never have happened.

I promised myself I'd never think that again, I've been working with Cheryl for a long time to put that thought out of my mind but I can't help but convince myself....

It was my fault

All the things Alex said to me over those months spill over into my mind, I can hear his voice as he insults me and tells me that I deserved it, that if I had been better none of this would have happened.

He is right

I try again to shut his voice, his insults and humiliation out of my head but my brain doesn't seem to want to cooperate, all it does is make me remember again and again.

I keep running and realise that I have no idea where I am or how long I have been running.

I have no phone or wallet with me, I don't know how to get back. That is, if I want to.

Do I want to?

How can I go back and face Lesy after what they've seen, or Jade after what they've told her?

Maybe I should just move on and leave all this behind, no matter if my heart breaks for the umpteenth time, I should just find a new place, in another country, change my name and live a normal life and let everyone forget about Perrie Edwards and her miserable life.

How could I have thought for one second that I could be okay?

How could I have thought that I could have moved on?

How could I have thought, even for a second, that Jade and I would have our happy ending?

There is no such thing as a happy ending, this is life and not a fucking Disney movie.

Regardless of how the trial ends, my life is ruined, my friendship with Lesy is ruined and most importantly, my relationship with Jade is.

How can I let her look at me or be with me if even I am no longer able to look at myself in the mirror?

Every time I try I only see the scars that Alex and his friends have left me.

Every time I look at myself, I see their hands on my body, I remember every detail of their games.

All I do is feel dirty, used and damaged.

And not even Jade's love can fix me

Stupid, me, to have believed it.

I remember that day in Paris, when I wrote the song Leigh called Only You. I still had hope, I thought I could get home somehow, I thought maybe there was still hope for me and Jade....

Alex has just left, I am lying on the bed, trying to find breath but with every exhalation my ribs kill me and my lungs burn.

I see blood dripping from my nose and soiling the white sheets of this majestic hotel room. I try to turn away so as not to make a mess and have to justify the red stains to the hotel staff.

We have only been in Paris for two days because Alex is on business and I see the change in him, when we are out with colleagues or fans, his eyes are the sweetest and he treats me as if I were a queen.

As soon as we enter this room, reality is much darker. He attacks me because he thinks I am hitting on any person who looks at me. He keeps telling me that I am his and only his, that no one can look at me like that and that I have to learn where I belong.

The truth is, I don't even know what I'm doing to piss him off. I don't talk to anyone unless absolutely necessary, I don't look at anyone but him because otherwise I know the consequences, and then because in my mind the thought of anyone touching me just makes me shiver.

Yet despite all my cares to please him, I always seem to do something wrong and he has to punish me.

Sometimes I think he just likes to punish me, I think it turns him on to see me cry or scream, then I remember that he loves me and does it for me and I am just a fool for not understanding or loving him.

When I finally get my breath back I slowly get out of bed and make my way to the bathroom, I take a long shower to soothe the pain in my body, not that it works that much, but better than nothing.

As I let the water run over my body, I think about the letter I will write to Jade, another letter I will never send, but at least it keeps me sane, I guess.

I try to write her one a day, if my body and mind allow me to. Some days it is just harder than others. Some days I just can't do it.

When I've finished my rejuvenating shower I go back to the room and get dressed, I walk over to the desk and grab a sheet of paper with the hotel logo and a pen, I start writing to Jade.

This city inspires me, I have been here with her for concerts, but most of all I remember when we came here on holiday.

Jade had arranged everything with Lesy, no one had told me anything and I found myself on a flight without knowing the destination until minutes before boarding, Jade refused to tell me the details so I gave up knowing only that we were going to Paris.

But once here, we went to Disneyland, when I stood in front of the gates I had to restrain every part of me not to jump on Jade and kiss her with every ounce of my love.

We stayed at Disneyland three days, lodging in the princess-themed hotel. Then, when I thought she couldn't surprise me any more, she did. We returned to Paris and stayed another three days visiting streets, squares, museums and churches.

Her knowledge of art combined with my curiosity made the mix. I felt so complete as I listened to every piece of information that came out of her mouth. I could see Jade's eyes shining as she explained every detail about every painting, sculpture or architecture she knew. Sometimes I couldn't even listen to her because I would get lost in her joy-filled eyes.

I wish we could be like that again. But it was my fault, I lied to her and screwed everything up. Like I always do.

I wish she was here with me, only she could fix me now.

Only her

I'm about to close the letter when I turn around and find Alex's camera, he uses it every time.... you know... He films me and then forces me to watch the video again and again. He does it even when we are with his friends.

I decide to take it and use the opportunity to talk to Jade, even though she won't listen to me. I go to the room phone and call the front desk, they know me and some of them are my fans.

Ironic, isn't it?

I ask them if there is a guitar in the hotel that I can use to rehearse a new song and they say they will bring me one any minute. I go to the bathroom and do my best to make up and cover the bruises on my face and throat, I've gotten good at that by now actually.

Even though I'm always annoyed to show myself with kilos of make-up, Jade used to tell me how much she loved my freckles, with this mask of make-up you can't see a single thread of my real skin. But I can't let anyone ask questions I can't answer.

As soon as I am done I hear a knock, I go to the door and when I open it I find a young guy with brown hair and green eyes. He reminds me of Alex, although he is much younger and thinner. He looks harmless, but you never know what people are really like.

I wonder if he will hurt me too, if he will take advantage of the fact that I am alone to impose himself on me. I wouldn't fight him even if he did. I have stopped fighting. It only hurts more.

The guy hands me the guitar and just tells me to call back to reception when I'm done so they can come and pick it up.

I go back to my desk and stack a couple of books to prop up the camera, then set up a chair in front of the bed and start the recording. I start talking to Jade, I tell her everything I wrote in the letter a few minutes before and everything I feel.

I know she will never see it, so I think I might as well sing her the new song. It saddens me to know that my voice irritates her or that my presence makes her feel bad, but it's not like she will ever hear this song so I might as well sing.

And that's what I do.

"...no one else can fix me, only you"

When I'm done I put my guitar down on the ground and hint at a smile, it's real, because despite everything, thinking about Jade still makes me smile. Her memory is the only light left in the darkness of my life.

I turn off the camera and call the reception desk again, ask them if they can quickly lend me a computer and a flash drive, they agree.

Thank God

If Alex found this video I would be in trouble

The same guy from before arrives and hands me the computer and usb, I insert the camera card and export the video, then delete it from the camera so Alex won't notice. I put the video in the flash drive and hand the computer back to the boy who looks at me with curious interest. I tell him I will pay for the USB but he politely refuses and tells me to keep it.

He gives a warm smile and leaves, I hide the usb along with my make-up and I hear a door slam

"Who the fuck was that? And why was he in our fucking room? Did you get fucked by that kid?!"

His look full of anger and hatred already tells me how this is going to end, I cower on the floor and try to protect myself as I hear the first punches coming....

The sound of a siren interrupts the memories, I look around to find myself in a dirty and musty alley, rubbish bags and broken bottles fill the place and I am thankful that I have no sense of smell because I know that the smell definitely stinks.

I walk out of the alley and check what's around me, I'm in a neighbourhood I don't know and I have no idea which street I came from.

People look at me surprised and I don't even know what to say to justify my presence here, at this hour and looking like this.

Some kids come up to me and ask me for autographs. I want to say no because I feel like shit, but the good part of me gets the better of me and I agree. They leave with satisfied smiles and I wish for a moment I could be like them, still with joy and hope.

If only they knew who I really am

If they knew the real story they wouldn't look at me with such admiration and ask me for autographs, at the very least they would spit on me and, honestly, they would do well.

By now it is dark and the temperature is starting to get colder, I clutch my arms to my chest in an attempt to cover myself, I curse myself for not even taking a sweater when I ran away, but in the end, it doesn't matter.

I start walking along the neighbourhood hoping to recognise some building or street but nothing.

Darkness is taking over and now everything seems more eerie, slowly I see people going back to their homes and loneliness is making its way more and more into this neighbourhood and within me.

I hear footsteps behind me and I turn around, but I don't see anyone, I keep walking looking for a few more shops that are open so I can borrow a phone, but this neighbourhood seems rather unhealthy and desolate, the shop windows are all closed and most of the lights are off. I left the house at 6:30 pm and ran I don't know how long. I have no idea what time it is.

The footsteps behind me get louder and fear makes its way into my bones, I feel my pulse quicken as I start walking faster.

I turn around again but again the darkness doesn't allow me to see, the streetlights are off and to make matters worse the fog is thick.

Fuck

I start running desperately thinking I've done the biggest fuck up of my life, James or one of his friends they haven't arrested yet could be right behind me and do what he wants to me.

Even finish the job Alex had started and shut me up once and for all.

Shit

The footsteps are getting louder and louder and there is no doubt that whoever is behind me is actually following me.

I run as fast as I can, the blood pumping in my ears and the breath not fully reaching my lungs. I feel myself burning with every movement and taste the metallic taste of blood as I realise I am biting my lip from the fear I am feeling.

I don't know how long it's been since I ran away from home, but probably hours, I know Jade will be somewhere looking for me and I can't help but feel like shit knowing she'll be worried about me and again...

It's my fault

Why do I keep ruining everything?

I feel like I've been running for hours even though it's probably just the fear talking, I feel weak and start to trudge, I have no idea where to go or hide and I know I won't be able to run for much longer.

I look around desperately looking for a passing person or a shop or a bar to take refuge in and ask for help but I find nothing.

Nothing!

I think about what James will do to me as soon as I'm in his hands, he said he missed fucking me and hearing me scream, I know how violent he can get if there's no one there to tell him to control himself.

Alex had to pull him off me more than once to keep him from killing me.

I know that if he is alone, if no one is there to stop him, he will do whatever he wants to me and eventually kill me.

I keep running to get away from him and the memory of what he used to do, I run away from the fear of what he will do to me if he catches me, but he is fast and I can feel him getting closer.

I can't take it anymore and I prepare to give up, there is no way I will escape, if I stop, maybe, he won't be so brutal. Maybe he will take pity. No, I know he won't.

This time is the end

I trip over a bottle I had not seen and that is enough to close the distance between me and my attacker for good.

I feel a hand grab my shoulder and I gasp, my body is frozen and I know that if I turn around this will all be real, the person behind me comes around and kneels down looking deeply at me. The world stops.

Oh my God 

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A/N - Hope you enjoyed the chapter and see you at the next update! ❤️ Feedbacks are always appreciated so, if you want, comment and share!

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Thank you for reading and take care 🌈🍪

- C