Chapter 6 - These Four Walls

Chapter 6 – These Four Walls

TW - non graphic mention of physical abuse and rape

Perrie pov

I can't tell where I am or what time it is. I don't know if Jade has been gone for minutes, hours or days... And I don't care. I feel the darkness creeping into my veins and invading every part of me. Time stands still and I find myself in limbo without knowing what to do or where to go. I feel empty and indifferent.

Suddenly noises that I don't recognize catch my attention and I find myself in my room, leaning against the wall while I clutch my knees to my chest. I look at the clock on the wall, it marks 7, I think it's morning and I think I've been in this position all night staring at the void. The same emptiness that is in my heart.

I stare at nothingness again until someone throws open the door. It's Jade. I look at her. She's furious.

"I hate you!" she shouts at the top of his lungs. I get scared but I have no reaction.

Why?

I'm not saying that. I don't say anything.

"I loved you, Perrie! I've told you plenty of times that I would always be there for you! That you could have told me everything! You lied to me! You've been lying all this time! I hate you!" I wake up from my numb state and stand up when I see tears streaming down her face.

"What are you talking about, Jade? I don't understand"

Jade mocks me and laughs bitterly.

" Are you fucking kidding me? Because I was just woken up from my sleep with this nice shitty video! Do you want to see it?" my eyes open wide when I realize what she just said. It can't be, Alex can't have done it...

Jade starts the video and I immediately see my face and Alex's hand on my throat. Shivers run through my skin and fear invades my body.

"Turn it off, please. Turn it off!" I scream desperately, closing my eyes and plugging my ears, Jade gives another bitter smile.

"Of course, you know very well how it went" Jade says, interrupting the video.

Yes

I do nothing but remember

"Jade, I'm sorry, I should have told you but I couldn't. I'm sorry, forgive me! I'm begging you" I cry and kneel taking her hands, Jade immediately pushes me away and I collapse on the ground crying.

"Fuck you, Perrie! I trusted you, I gave you all of me, I told you hundreds of times that you could tell me anything. You disgust me, Perrie! You make me feel sick!"

I disgust myself too

I make me feel sick too

"Please, please let me explain!" I sob without being able to look at her.

"I don't want your fucking explanation! You don't have to look at me anymore! I don't want to talk to you anymore, I don't want to see you anymore! Fuck you!" Jade screams and I can't say a word, I can only cry and wheeze as I feel my heart break into a million pieces and see the world crumble under my feet.

"I want you out of here within ten minutes. Take your shit and leave" her voice is calm, cold and sharp.

"Jade, please let me explain"

"I said out now! OUT!" Jade screams like never before and I gasps in fright. For the first time I'm afraid she'll hurt me. For the first time I'm afraid she'll beat me too.

I get up from my place on the floor and put on my shoes, grab my phone and purse and run out of our apartment.

It's no longer yours

I keep running and I don't care about people's eyes on me. I stand in front of Zayn's apartment and knock frantically on the door. After a while it opens to reveal a sad-looking Zayn.

"What the fuck, Perrie? I thought you'd never lie to me. I was your best friend, I would have supported you no matter what. I'm so disappointed in you" Zayn says with disappointment and I don't stay a moment longer, I keep running away from Zayn's house, away from Jade and away from everyone.

I'm sorry

I hear the phone ring and grab it, I see 3 messages.

Lee-Lee: How could you not tell us anything?

I'm sorry!

Jesminda: I never thought I'd say it, but I'm ashamed of you

Me too

Alex: Did you like the surprise? I have other aces up my sleeve, if you don't want those photos to come out come here right away.

I click on the link and the address of a motel a few kilometres from here comes out.

With trembling hands I call an uber that arrives in a few minutes.

It's when the driver looks at me as if I have three heads that I realize I'm still in my pyjamas from the night before.

The driver takes me to the motel without asking questions and when I get out of the car he looks at me in disgust.

Like everyone else

I look around without knowing where to go when the phone makes another sound.

Alex: room 226

I walk slowly to the room that Alex pointed out to me and my legs are shaking at the idea of seeing him again.

I don't know what to do anymore, I don't know how to get out of this damn nightmare.

I knock slowly and the door opens revealing a smiling Alex. His grin gives me chills and I just think about what he can do to me once I'm alone with him.

Alex dodges and I pass him past the door with my head down.

I hear the door close behind me and a turn of the key, then Alex's breath hits my neck indicating that he is right behind me. I shiver as I feel his mouth brush against my ear.

"I told you there would be consequences if you didn't do what I tell you," he whispers darkly. I swallow the lump in my throat and feel new tears flow freely on my face.

He spins me around and I see the sheer lust in his eyes.

"What do you still want from me? You've already ruined my life!" I scream as more and more tears roll down my face.

"Oh, Perrie, don't you think I can do worse? Do you think it can't ruin your family or friends' lives too? What do you think they'll say about Jade when I say you were having an affair and kept it a secret? What do you think they'll say about her when they will see the real Perrie? Perrie who lied to everyone, Perrie who posts nude pictures and porn videos? Jade will be humiliated by everyone, her life amd her career will be ruined because of you" Alex speaks calmly letting every word sink.

"You forced me!" I shout in return.

"No one will care, no one will believe you!"

Nobody cares about you

"Do you remember what I told you the first time? Jade will leave you as soon as she sees how slutty you are and your friends will leave... Do you remember?" I nod.

"Now tell me, how did it go?"

Jade left me

Jesy, Zayn and Leigh abandoned me

I don't answer. Alex smiles, "As I thought. Now, you don't want to challenge me again, do you?"

"N-no"

"Good girl. You know, I think Jade didn't really love you, don't you think? If she had loved you, do you really think she would have left you after knowing what happened to you?"

Jade loved me

Jade loved me!

Did she?

"Jade just teased you, Perrie, she just wanted her toy and you were there at the right time, you're only good for one thing" I can't talk anymore, I can't say anything. Doubts creep into my mind. If Jade had loved me, she wouldn't have left me after learning that I was... I was raped.

"You're useless, Perrie. Nobody gives a shit about you, not Jade or your friends. You're just a worthless sweetie slut and no one will ever love you."

Stop

Stop!

I put my hands over my ears to block all Alex's words. I am not useless.

I am not useless!

But Jade left me

And Jesy, Zayn and Leigh abandoned me

Nobody gives a shit about me

"I can help you, Perrie" Alex takes his hands off my ears "I can help you to be better, to be lovable. I can make you a good girlfriend and a good friend, so no one will ever leave you again."

I shake my head and walk away from him.

"Fuck you! Get out of my life! Leave me alone!" I scream pulling out all my anger.

Alex changes his expression to one of anger and takes a step forward while I take a step back. I hit the wall with my back and I'm trapped. Again.

He gets closer and closer and gives me a strong slap, I find myself on the floor and I feel a metallic taste in my mouth as I see red drops on the floor, I run a hand over my lips and find the blood from the newly formed cut.

Alex drags me to the bed in the room, turns me around and I find my face on the sheets and my back to the ceiling, I hear him unbutton his pants while lowering mine. I don't try to fight, I know it won't help, I'm tired and sore from yesterday's injuries and exhausted from my life right now, I close my eyes already knowing what will happen and I think about Jade.

It's the eighth episode of XFactor, we're about to get on stage but I can't move from my seat, anxiety is eating me alive and my dry throat doesn't allow me to swallow. We have to sing Beautiful by Christina Aguilera and I have a solo. I know I'm going to screw this up and they'll send us home because of me.

Jade comes up and takes my hand, "Are you okay, baba?" she asks. I shake my head and want to cry but I can't ruin my makeup before the performance so I bring back the tears.

"Everything will be fine, you will be amazing as always" Jade's smile is contagious and I smile unintentionally too.

" It will be fine, you'll see. And I'll be there on that stage, with you, all the time. I will never abandon you, baba. Now, sing with me" Jade looks me deep in the eyes with her puppy face and I can't refuse.

"You are beautiful no matter what they say Words can't bring you down, oh no"

Jade starts singing but stops when she sees me shut up. I can't tell her but the truth is that I'm drowning in her eyes and flying with her voice.

"Come on, Pez, together!" Jade laughs.

"You are beautiful" Jade sings looking me straight in the eyes and I just want her to mean it differently and not just for a song.

"In every single way Yes, words can't bring you down, oh no So don't you bring me down today" we sing together and Jade explodes into a smile full of joy. I smile too and I think I just fell in love with her.

"Little Mix!" the host yells and the staff calls us to take the stage.

"Are you ready?" Jade looks at me softly and shakes my hand.

"Ready!" I answer decisively as we walk towards our future.

Alex gets out of bed and puts his pants back on, slaps my ass but I stand still.

"See you later, sweetie" Alex kisses my cheek and then I hear the door of the room closing. I hear the key turn. Very good. I'm locked in. And I can't escape.

Slowly I pull myself on my underwear and pants, get up and stagger to the bathroom. I look in the mirror and see my mouth swollen and a cut opening my lower lip. I feel cramps hitting me and immediately reach the toilet and empty my stomach, at least what remains of it. I open the shower water and wait for the water to get hot. I throw myself in the shower and let the water flow over my body. I don't know how much time has passed, but I know that the water is cold now and I am forced to go out.

I find a sheet of paper and a pencil and start writing what I feel

I feel so numb Staring at the shower wall It's begun, The feeling that the end has come And now the water's cold

Continuous and other words appear on the paper

I tried to eat today But the lump in my throat got in the way

In this time I've lost all sense of pride

In the end, I think of Alex and all he has done to me, I think of Jade, how much I love her, how stupid I was to lie to her and how much I miss her and, finally, I think of this damn room that holds me prisoner and I can't help but want these four walls to take me under.

I've called a hundred times If I hear your voice I'll be fine

And I, I can't come alive I want the room to take me under 'Cause I can't help but wonder What if I had one more night for goodbye? If you're not here to turn the lights off, I can't sleep These four walls and me

I have been here for four days, Alex comes every day to bring me food that I barely eat. Every morning I wake up and empty my stomach in the toilet and then the feeling of being sick remains throughout the day. I'm afraid to think about the reason for these morning sicknesses, whether it's because of stress or... in the second option it scares me not to know if it could be Alex's or Jade's. Either way it sucks. I may be pregnant with the man who raped me or the woman I love, but never loved me and abandoned me.

Nice shit

Alex comes in with a smile on his face, always starts like this, tells me how much he wants me and then he does his own way with me. Today is no different.

When he's done, he gets dressed and pulls out my phone.

Of course, he always has it with him

"Jade sent you a message, sweetie" his grin does not bode well, but my eyes light up at the idea that Jade finally texted me.

Alex shows me the message and tears form in my eyes.

Jade: I brought all your stuff to the studio, send someone to pick them up and don't show you up. Simon will call you when we are ready to record.

Oh

I'm more and more convinced that Alex is right, Jade never loved me. I can't believe I disappeared for four days without notifying anyone and she didn't bother in the slightest. I may have died by this time.

"I've already gone to pick up your clothes, they're in my car. Later I'll bring them to you and in the next few days I'll go and get the rest."

I know he won't as he has no interest in seeing me with clothes on. The first night he tore off my pyjamas and I've been naked for three days. I use a filthy blanket to hide myself without getting any results.

I take advantage of the fact that I still have the phone in my hand and check if I have received other messages. Only one, more than I expected anyway.

Lee-Lee: Hey, Pez, I'm sorry for how I reacted. If you need anything I'm here. I know Jade texted you, she just needs time but things will work out. If you want we can see each other after work. I miss you.

I smile at the message but I can't help but be sad. Leigh is wrong, things will not be resolved.

Things won't work out

Days pass and history repeats itself. Alex comes here, has fun with me, beats me, leaves and comes back. And start over.

It allows me to call my parents but always and only by putting them on speakerphone and checking everything I say, he doesn't even let me pick up my own phone.

Leigh didn't write to me anymore, neither Jesy, nor Zayn nor Jade.

Alex was right, everyone abandoned me.

Nobody gives a shit about you

You are useless

You are not lovable

You deserve it!

Today things are different, Alex looks at me furiously as soon as he enters the room and begins to beat me savagely. I try to scream and call for help but no one comes. As always.

I don't even know what I did this time but I don't even try to fight back, the only thing I do is cover my head with my hands and pray that he ends soon. The pain in my body is excruciating and I think I can die right now.

"Look at my face, Perrie, look me in the eyes and listen carefully. Tomorrow you go back to work, the girls are ready to record. You will behave well and you will not tell anyone what happens here. If you do, there will be consequences" he speaks softly and chanting every word. I nod. I'm afraid of what he'll do to me if he finds out I've told someone.

"You'd better clean yourself up, you don't want to look bad, I'm going to get your clothes"

"How long have I been here?" I stammer trying to breathe in pain, with each breath a pang of pain hits me.

"Oh, sweetie, not enough. It's only two months" Alex smiles and leaves.

Two months?

Two months in which no one asked where I was or how I was.

Nobody gives a shit about you, Perrie

You're just a worthless whore, sweetie 

You're only good for one thing

The voices repeat themselves in my mind and I plug my ears to make them stop, but they don't stop.

Nobody gives a shit about me

I'm just a worthless whore

I'm only good for one thing

I try to get up but the pain in my womb is too intense, I look down to see the new bruises and I realize that my thighs are wet, I move to see better and I find a big blood stain under me.

No

It's not possible

I can't believe what I'm seeing and I convince myself that it's not real. I reach out to reach for it and make sure it's just a hallucination, but when I look at my hand I see only red. I drag myself to the bathroom with my arms and reach for the shower, cautiously raise my arm and stretch it until I am able to open the water. I feel the water running over my body and dragging the blood away from my thighs, shortly after my eyes close and darkness takes possession of me. 

__________

A/N sorry this chapter was sick and things are getting worse. 

Thank you for reading and take care 🌈🍪 

- C