Hwang Hyunjin: Four Months

TW: Substances

~ Hwang Hyunjin ~

It started as something small. I would take a couple pills here and there when the pressure of being an idol was too much. But I quickly started to rely on them. I needed them to survive. I felt abnormal without them. The pills became a crutch I couldn't get rid of, not even if I wanted to. And it had to be a secret. There was no way I could let the others know.

Who knows what they'd do? What they'd say? I mean it's fucking drugs. That not something people tend to take lightly.

I would usually take a couple before shows or shoots. Or when the nights became too loud. But then I started taking them every day. I thought I had it under control.

I wouldn't say I'm an addict. That's degrading myself to a whole other level.

I'm glad they haven't noticed the subtle changes in my body. Dark circles around my eyes. Less fat.

"Hyunjin, can you grab my charger from your room? I think I left it there," Chan asked, busy tapping away on his phone.

"Yeah, no problem." I nodded, heading towards my room.

But then Jeongin spoke up. "Hyung, you're busy. I'll grab it. I know where you keep all your stuff anyway."

No.

I didn't remember where I put my pills. What if he saw them? I forced a smile, internally panicking. "It's fine, I'll go—"

But Chan, without even looking up, waved me off. "Don't worry about it, Hyunjin. I'll get it myself."My stomach dropped, and I stood there, helpless, as he disappeared into my room.

Seconds stretched into what felt like hours. My heart pounded in my chest. What if he sees them?

I didn't even have time to breathe before Chan reappeared, his expression completely changed. And in his hand... in his hand was the small bag of pills I thought I had so carefully hidden.

The room went silent. Everyone's attention was on him, on me. And my heart sank. "What the hell are these?" Chan's voice was sharp, filled with something I had never heard from him before. Disappointment. Anger. No... this wasn't supposed to happen.

I swallowed hard, trying to come up with something, anything, to explain it away. "I—Chan, it's not what you think—"

"Not what I think?" he cut me off, his eyes blazing as he held up the bag for everyone to see. "You've been hiding these from us? For how long?"

I could feel everyone's eyes on me now—Felix, Changbin, Seungmin, all of them. Their gazes were suffocating. I wanted nothing more than to run.

My mind was spinning, scrambling for an excuse, a reason that would make sense, but nothing came out. "I... It's just—"

"How long, Hyunjin?" Chan's voice cut through my weak attempt at an explanation. He wasn't letting me off easy. And why would he?

I could see the hurt in his eyes, even through the anger. The frustration of not knowing how deep this problem went, of not being able to fix something he didn't know was broken. Chan was always like that. And I knew that in this moment, he hated himself more than anything.

And it wasn't just him—everyone in the room looked at me the same way.

I couldn't stand it. I couldn't stand them looking at me like that.

"Four months," I finally admitted, my voice barely a whisper. "I've been using them for four months." I didn't notice when my hands started to shake or when I felt tears pricking at my eyes but I didn't care. I just wanted them to stop. Stop looking at me like that.

The silence that followed was heavier than anything I'd ever felt. Chan's grip tightened on the bag, his knuckles turning white. "Four months," he repeated, disbelief lacing his words.

I lowered my head, shame crawling up my spine. I didn't want to see the disappointment in their eyes. "I can handle it..."

Chan let out a bitter laugh, shaking his head. "Handle it? Hyunjin, this is dangerous."

I opened my mouth to say something, to defend myself, but nothing came out. He was right. I couldn't deny it anymore.

Felix was the first to speak, his voice softer than Chan's, but the concern was just as heavy. "Why didn't you come to us, Hyunjin?"

Oh, Felix.

I closed my eyes, my chest tightening. As much as so wanted to tell them I was sorry. I wasn't. I'm not an addict. I was just  relieving stress. Even if it was dangerous.

Chan stepped closer, holding up the bag again, his voice dropping but no less intense. "These could have killed you, Hyunjin. Do you even realize that?"

I didn't have an answer. Of course, I knew it was dangerous. Every time I swallowed one, I knew. But I just didn't care enough to stop. Because they felt so good.

"I'm sorry," I whispered, my voice breaking. Even if it wasn't true. It was the only thing I could say.

Chan's eyes softened for just a moment, but the anger was still there. "Hyunjin. We care about you. We need you here, with us, not killing yourself in secret."

"You're done with these." He turned toward the bathroom, I knew exactly what he was going to do. He wasn't just going to take the pills away. He was going to flush them.

"No!" I said, louder than I meant to, stepping forward. "You can't—" My heart pounded in my chest as he took another step toward the bathroom, his grip on the bag tight.

Desperation clawed at me, and before I could think, I lunged toward him, trying to grab the pills from his hand. "Chan, please!" I shouted, my voice breaking. "I need them!"

Chan froze, turning to look at me. "You need them?" he repeated, his voice low, almost disbelieving. "Do you hear yourself, Hyunjin?"

I hated Chan in this moment. He wasn't seeing me.

"Tell me. Where did you get them?" He asked, his tone softer, probably because he realized that I hated him.

I could feel everyone's eyes on me.

My hands shook as I clenched my fists, the words spilling out before I could stop them.

"I've been... I've been paying one of the staff," I said, my voice barely above a whisper. "They—They knew someone who could get them."

A sharp intake of breath from Felix cut through the silence. I couldn't look at any of them. I didn't want to see their faces.

Chan's eyes widened, and for a second, he just stared at me. "Hyunjin..." He took a step closer. "I'm flushing these, Hyunjin. They're gone."

I could feel tears stinging at my eyes once again, panic clawing at my throat. "Chan, please—just let me keep them. Just this once. I promise, I'll stop after."

That was an empty promise. He shook his head, his jaw clenched. "You've already had your 'just once'—for four months." With that, he turned, heading toward the bathroom.

Panic surged through me, and I moved again, trying to stop him, but Felix grabbed my waist, pulling me into an embrace. "Let him, Hyunjin." He sniffled.

The bag of pills disappeared into the bathroom, and I heard the sound of the toilet flushing a moment later.

It was over.

Chan came back into the room, his expression still hard, but there was something softer in his eyes now, something almost like pain. "We're going to get you help, Hyunjin," he said, his voice quieter now.

Help? What did that even mean? I wasn't some addict spiraling out of control. I wasn't trying to harm myself, I wasn't suicidal. These pills weren't some desperate cry for help, they were just... they were just how I handled everything. But now, everything was out in the open, and it was too late to explain it in a way that didn't make me look like a mess

I wanted to scream, cry, do something, but my body wouldn't move. Felix's arms were still around me, his hold gentle. What would happen now? I wouldn't be able to get my hands on any more once Chan found out which staff exactly was buying them for me.

Hell Chan would probably have all the staff fired if one of them didn't admit to it.

"I don't need help," I said, my voice coming out hoarse and weak. "I'm not... I'm not like that. It's just been for the stress."

But Chan shook his head. Felix loosened his hold on me but stayed close, his eyes red like he'd been holding back tears this whole time. It made my chest ache.

I swallowed hard, my throat tight. Everything felt wrong. The walls were closing in, and I couldn't breathe. I wanted to go back, take it all back. Go back to before Chan found the pills. Go back to when it was just my secret, when I could handle it alone.

But now, there was no going back.

"I can fix this," I tried to say, my voice breaking halfway through. "I'll stop, I promise. But I don't need 'help'."

Chan's face softened, but there was still that look, that damn look that made my stomach twist. "Hyunjin, this isn't something you can just stop overnight. You need more than just a promise."

I shook my head, feeling that panic rise again. "I don't need some big intervention, I just—" I broke off, rubbing my temples. My head was pounding. "I just need you guys to trust me."

"Trust you?" Seungmin spoke up for the first time, his voice quiet but firm. "Hyung, how can we trust you right now? You've been lying to us for months. How are we supposed to believe you're fine when you couldn't even tell us what was going on?"

I had nothing left to say, no more excuses, no more justifications. I messed up. I knew it. But the way they were all looking at me, it made me feel like I was worse than I thought.

"You're going to get help," Chan said again, this time in that leader voice that left no room for argument. "And we're going to be with you every step of the way. But this stops now, Hyunjin."

I nodded, swallowing the lump in my throat. "I know."

—