12. Pre-Date Panic

Scaramouche slammed his clenched fist down on the rickety old circular table, making it shake under his heavy grip, the fatui diplomat kneeled down next to him shivering almost as much as the table.

"What the FUCK is that stupid ginger haired bastard doing?!" Scaramouche seethed.

"Hmh," La Signora scoffed, leaning into her armchair lazily. "Calm down, being angry makes you age faster, you know."

"Shut up!" Scaramouche whipped around sharply to look at the 8th Harbinger, making the poor fatui diplomat next to him flinch from fear once again. "Her Highness sent Tartaglia to take the Geo Archon's gnosis, not to get in his pants and act all lovey dovey!"

"Oh ye~s, you'd know ALL about acting lovey dovey.." Signora began, dismissively waving her hand to call over the terrified fatui diplomat. "You, go get me a glass of Osmanthus Wine."

The fatui diplomat scattered away from Scaramouche, internally sighing a great sigh of relief once he was out of Scaramouche's 5-metre hit radius, as if surprised that his head was still attached to his neck.

"Lovey.. What's that supposed to mean?" He snapped back, glaring at her. "Tartaglia KNOWS about the rules of being a harbinger.. he's associating with the enemy!"

Oh, puh-lease, Scaramouche, don't act as if you're all that innocent~, now, what was her name?  That.. astronomer? Mola? Noma?" She teased.

"Her name is MONA, and she's an astrologist, not an astronomer, you daft dimbo. She has NOTHING to do with this." His voice became cold, his eyes icy.

"I know all about your love life, dear. Being The Tsaritsa's favourite has its perks~" 

"Shut your mouth." Scaramouche crossed his arms. "What should we do about Tartaglia? At this rate, he'll end up marrying the Geo Archon before even touching his gnosis."

"Hm, leave that to me... I'm sure Childe will remember where his loyalty lies soon.. after all, he can't forget who made him the person he is today~"

---

"Aaaaaahhh..." Childe wailed, tightening his grip on the small pink pillow Paimon had provided the male.

"Quiet down, you sound like a teenage girl." Lumine deadpanned, sitting down onto her bed next to Childe and Paimon.

"Oh puh-lease. You're barely over five years old you baby-- ow!" Paimon teased, earning a slap on the back.

"Yeah, barely over five. Five HUNDRED." Lumine rolled her eyes jokingly, whacking Paimon softly over the head with a pillow, with just enough force to send the little 'flying child' tumbling.

"Stop fighting, you idiots. I need something to wear for my date but most of my clothes are the exact same.." 

"Won't Zhongli be getting off from his job before your date? Paimon thinks he'll be wearing his office clothes!" Paimon exclaimed. 

"In that case, we should buy you some new clothes."

"Lumine, NO. I hate shopping for clothes, why do you think my wardrobe is so boring?" Childe whined, sitting up. Lumine sighed."I'm gonna go make some coffee." Lumine walked out of her bedroom and into the kitchen of her small two bedroom apartment.

Lumine poured some water into the kettle, waiting for it to boil. She pulled her smartphone out of her pocket dialling her brother's phone number."Xiao- S-stop, ugh- Oh shit I- Be quiet Xiao-"Lumine rolled her eyes. "You over at Xiao's again? Well, whatever. I need your help."

"What's up?"

"Childe's having a breakdown over what to wear for his date. I want to help.. but the thing is, I don't know the first thing about male fashion."

"Uh, I don't think Zhongli would care about what Childe wears. Just tell him to dress the way he always dresses."

"Riiightttt." Lumine said sarcastically, "So helpful. Thanks bro.""No proble-- Xiao! Stop it- I'm on the phone with Lumi-"

Lumine jabbed her thumb at the red button on her phone, cutting off the call, shaking off the mentally scarring image in her mind.

Quickly dropping a tea bag into her hot water, she returned to the bedroom.

"Childe, Aether says that Zhongli won't care what you wear as long as you just show up."

"But it's our FIRST date. I need to look good to match him or people will think we aren't together!"

"Paimon doesn't think Zhongli will dress up though." Paimon shook her head.

"He doesn't NEED to dress up to look good!" Childe spat back at Paimon, who returned a shrug.

"You sound like such a simp." Lumine joked.

Childe stuck his tongue out. 

"Guess I'll be off. I have a date to get ready for." Childe stood up, heading for the door.

"Hold up, aren't you going to get Zhongli a gift?" Paimon skeptically raised her eyebrow at the clueless male.

"Gift?"---

"Zhonglii~ what's up? You look chiller than usual. Finally ditched the coat?" Hu tao sang, picking up documents from the floor of Wangsheng Funeral Parlor while balancing the half eaten popsicle that she had stolen from Chongyun between her ring and pinkie finger.

"Ah, yes. I have a date later, Master Hu."

"Ouh, who's the lucky person?" Hu tao leaned in, licking the popsicle.

"Lucky indeed." Zhongli retorted, stacking documents into piles.

"Don't dodge the question Zhongliiiiii~" Hu Tao wailed resting her head on his desk.

"Master Hu, I really must be going." Zhongli groaned.

Zhongli headed out of his office, towards the exit. 

"Zhongli, don't ignore me!" Hu tao cried, pouting.

Zhongli's eyebrows furrowed in annoyance as he sped up.

"Alright! Another step and I'm halving your salary."

Zhongli stopped in his tracks.

wo~oosh

*cowboy music plays*

Hu Tao and Zhongli spun around, facing each other.

"Pew pew!" Hu Tao cried, barely before Zhongli.

Zhongli sighed.

"You win this one, Master Hu. Please leave my salary alone."

Hu Tao giggled. "Soo~ who's your date?"

Zhongli groaned, burying his face into his own shoulder, face red with annoyance and embarrassment. 

"Ch-childe." He mumbled incoherently.

"Hmm? Pardon? I didnt catch that."

"I said Childe."

Hu Tao gasped, staring at the latter with exaggerated wide eyes.

The two stood in silence for a solid second.

Hu tao, who's jaw was previously so wide open that it could've touched the floor, was now making an annoying giggling sound.

"Ohoho~ rendezvousing with our customers, hmm? Scandalous, Zhongli!" She covered her mouth, stifling her laughter.

"Ah, this is why I didn't want to tell you, Hu Tao." Zhongli retaliated. 

"Awh, no more 'Master Hu'?" Hu Tao leaned playfully against the door. "Have you picked out clothes to wear on your da~ate?" 

"Wh- No, I was planning on going like this."

"Well that just won't do! C'mon, I'll take you shopping. Gotta look good for the first date, y'know!" Hu Tao grabbed Zhongli's hand, dragging him out.

~~~

"Urgh.." Zhongli groaned, wearily wandering around the silk-lined aisles of the clothing store.

"Zhongli, there you are!" Hu Tao called, waving Zhongli over. "I picked two sets of clothes. Which one's better?"

Hu Tao displayed two clothing sets hanging around her arms. The first one was a grey turtleneck sweater layered under a white blazer, matched with a pair of black cropped trousers. The second set consisted of a simple black office shirt under a brown cardigan, along with yet another black pair of skinny jeans.

Zhongli furrowed his eyebrows, seriously contemplating his options.

"Let's take them both."

Hu Tao's eyes widened.

"WHat?"

"I said, let's take them both."

Hu Tao let out an overwhelmed sigh and took the clothes to the register.

-

"That'll be 54000 Mora, ma'am!"

"WHAT?!" 

Hu Tao's face turned a pale white, her soul leaving her body. 

SmACK

Zhongli smacked the back of Hu Tao's head, unfortunately bringing her back to life.

"Don't die yet, Master Hu. We must pay."

"R-right.." Hu Tao sobbed, reluctantly pulling out her credit card. 

Zhongli smiled, grabbing the bags from the register. After years of putting up with Hu Tao's ridiculous pranks and oscar-worthy abilities of making him want to slap her, he had finally gotten vengeance (only to some extent, though. Hu Tao's loaded.) 

Once Hu Tao and Zhongli had walked away from the store, Hu Tao stared up at Zhongli, a menacing glow in her eye.

"Zhongli~"

She started,

"I'm halving your salary."

A/N

nooooooooooo

edit: LMAO THE SALARY COMMENTS