Now that we don't talk

Again, I recommend listening to the song while reading, this has been one of my favorites to write.

Victoria woke up on Paige's stiff couch for the third night in a row, to the sound of her phone buzzing relentlessly, hundreds of notifications popped up in her screen, her eyes were so puffy that she could barely see clearly enough to read.

She clicked on one of the banners, not sure of what he fuzz was about.

"Well that's the fucking cherry on the cake" she said out loud.

#JoeBurrowIsSingle was quickly rising to the top of the trends in Cincinnati at least. People had noticed that the two no longer followed each other on Instagram, that Victoria deleted all of her Joe related posts, even the ones were he didn't actually appear in the pictures, and it all probably started with Joe tweeting for the first time in almost a year (while probably being drunk, given the gramatical errors of his post).

@JoeyB: Hopeful is all i kno, how to keep mee from silent cris. Nothing i can say, facing all this pain in my ways. 

The tweet was quickly deleted, but not before it's possible meaning got analyzed by the people who read it first. Their conclusion: the hotshot Joe Burrow was back in the dating market. At least that's what people were freaking out about.

Victoria opted for signing out of all her social media accounts on her phone, not wanting to read people's opinions on their very recent break up. She didn't need groupies relishing on her pain.

Three days had passed since she spoke to Joe last, her friends Lexie and Paige accompanied her boyfriend, Louis, were kind enough to pick up her things from Joe's house the next day, allowing for her to wallow in the privacy of Paige's apartment, without Joe having to witness the mess that she was.

Gathering her belongings and talking to the university to secure a different place to live for the next few months, was the last step in finalizing the separation. It was official now.

And with that, she tried her best to move on with her life, she only left her new house to go to the university, where she spent most of her days buried in her experimental work and thesis writing process, since the December graduation deadline Sal gave her was only coming closer, she asked her friends not to talk about Joe, and as worried as the situation had them, they complied. Joe Burrow's name was forbidden in the lab.

Victoria continued having lunch daily with Logan, who had become a very close friend of awww hers by now. He understood her desire to be left alone, and would limit their conversations to academic work and his own horrid love life, which brought Victoria a sense of company in her pain and solitude.

Days turned into weeks that turned into months. Two months actually.

Wake up, eat breakfast (barely), drive to the lab, experiments all day, have lunch (skipping dinner), and finish the day with more writing. Rinse and repeat.

She also forbade herself from crying. At all. She spent the last two months in a metastable emotional state where she would compartmentalize her feelings, rationalizing the waves of pain that would often hit her out of nowhere. She hadn't shed a single tear after the day she read his tweet. She would rather cut a finger off than crying, or admitting to herself how much pain she was in, or picking up the phone to call Joe. The only person she would often call to talk about him was her mom, who did absolutely everything she could to comfort her daughter over the phone, Vanessa even offered to travel to Cincinnati, but Victoria refused, she knew that her mom's visit would force her to face her desolate reality head on, and she wasn't ready for that. Victoria managed to convince her mom that their break up was for the best, even if she didn't believe that for a second.

Occasionally though, she felt brave enough to check Joe's Instagram page. He grew his hair long, he now often wore a black headband to keep his dirty blonde hair out of his face. He looked gorgeous, as usual. But his social media content went back to strictly professional. No more sporadic posts with her, or friends.

She often wondered if Joe did the same, if he missed her, if she was as much of a mysterious entity for him as he was for her.

Aside from her online stalking of him, she didn't know anything about his current life. She didn't want to listen to the press conference interviews because she knew that if she heard his voice even on the TV she would break down. She missed the old Joe, her sweet, salt of the Earth, midwestern guy. He broke her heart when he desperately attempted to remain friends, it took everything in her to reject the offer. She couldn't go from being the woman she went to bed with every night to a casual friend to have uncomfortable small talk with. So they didn't talk anymore. And it had cost her everything.

The cold November day when Sal came to her offering her a spot to join Logan and him on the annual Brain Cancer Research International congress, that would be held on early December in Paris, France, she didn't hesitate to say yes. Suddenly she had the first hopeful thought she had had in months: she had missed her freedom to make decisions such as that without having to consult with anyone. She was a free woman.

When they landed on French soil, Victoria felt like she could breathe for the first time. Even if she felt a hint of nostalgia when she remembered how Joe wanted to take her to Paris for her last birthday. How she wished he was there with her.

She took the first night of the trip as an opportunity to wander around the city, with no specific destination or plans. She walked through Rue de Rivoli, admiring the beautiful architecture that surrounded her, finding comfort in the cold Parisian air that blew in her face. She found a tiny but charming local bistro, where she ordered herself an plate of onion soup paired with a glass of white sparkling wine. Feeling the effects of her alcoholic beverage, she felt brave enough to snap a shot of her mesmerizing view of the city, and post it on her instagram page for the world to see.

@marlowe_tori: Paris is always a good idea. 📍Paris, France. ❤️ liked by paige22 and 3,204 others. Comments for this post are limited.

It was a late evening for her, but with the time difference, Joe's day had barely stared. He was coming out of physical rehab when he stumbled upon an old familiar account posting about a European getaway. His heart dropped to his stomach, it was the first thing he learned about her latest whereabouts in months. She was currently all the way across the Atlantic Ocean. And he had no clue.

Unlike Victoria, Joe couldn't simply run away and hide in a lab avoiding all human contact. He was forced to face the situation a few days later, after Victoria moved out. He had spent the entire time crying, allowing himself to sob in the couch, to leak tears into the pillow she used to sleep in. He was a shred of the man he used to be. But even then he had to be present on press conferences.

"Joe is it true that you're single now? And how might that affect the rest of the season?" A woman sitting on a chair asked him, directly. Joe tried not to cry, but his teary eyes have him away.

"Yes, and before you all try to get more information from me, I want to say that it was mutual (liar), healthy (liar liar liar), and we're still really good friends (the biggest lie of his life), she's still the best person I know (that was true), and I ask you to respect both our private lives as we move forward. Now let's talk football, please"

After the grueling press conference, Joe headed to the locker room, feeling like a train wreck of a person.

"Man are you okay? I'm sorry they came after you like that" Ja'Marr's voice was coming from behind.

"I'm a fucking mess right now, there's no point in trying to hide it. She moved out of our house. She just cut me off and walked away. It was my fault, I know but man she was so fucking cold about it"

"What do you mean she moved out? I thought you guys were sorting things out, after our little party that ended up with you two in the same restroom stall" Ja'Marr inquired.

Joe chuckled.

"We were sorting things out. But the stupid injury got the best of me"

"Jesus, Burrow your fucking calf is still getting you in trouble?" Ja'Marr didn't want to say it, but after witnessing Joe's spiraling first hand, he didn't blame Victoria for walking away.

Joe sighed, preparing to admit what had happened out loud. He had confessed a few bits during his night crashing at Ja'Mars apartment, but he never told the whole story.

"It all started when I injured my leg, and we started miserably losing our first games of the season, I mean you experienced it with me. The current Super Bowl champions losing with 30 point differences to shit ass teams. "The mighty Burrow was a fraud" all the shit the media, the fans, the haters, the fucking suits of the team said, it got to my head. The pressure was tremendous on all of us, but let's be honest, everyone enjoyed to feast on my reputation" Joe clenched his jaw.

"And I'm no way proud of what I'm about to say but, I unleashed my frustrations on her. I treated her like shit, I ignored her, only to behave like a dick to her later. I put her through so much. The night I didn't come home, and I was drinking with you guys. My jealousy of Logan. The fucking last draw was that she missed her period and we thought she might be pregnant, I snapped, I had a total meltdown and told her that she was a... I called her a gold digger. The minute the test came back negative she dumped me." Joe felt so much regret when he recalled their last conversation.

"Fuck man. That was a major screw up." Ja'Marr didn't know what else to say, he knew first hand how much pain the issue had caused Victoria.

"And she left my sorry ass. With good reason. But I miss her so much I feel like I'm going to go mad" Joe confessed, his friend patted him in the back, trying to get him to calm down. "Every day I wish the strip would've showed two lines. Then we would've been forced to face our differences and navigate them. I'd still have her and a baby on the way. But now I have nothing"

"I've never seen you like this before. Not even after the Olivia situation" Ja'Marr was astonished at his reaction, stating that he would've preferred getting her pregnant than having to live without her. Joe never mentioned wanting kids when he dated Olivia.

"The Olivia thing doesn't have anything on this. I feel like my heart got ripped out of my chest"

"You should go to your shrink about this. I'm not gonna lie you do look like a mess. I'm here for you man, you know that, but I think you need professional help right now"

Joe knew Ja'Marr was right. He started visiting Dr. Paulson every week after that. Something he refused to do for the entirety of the season, deep down he knew how much he was ruining everything he touched, and he didn't want to be chastised for it.

He also relied a lot on his friends, he would crash in Ja'Marr's couch often to avoid being alone in his house, with all of the memories they made lingering over him, he would stay up late playing online video games and talking shit with Andrei and Tee. He found an amazing support system in them.

And his season started to turn around for the better as well, he pulled his special Burrow magic and managed to have a 10-4 record by week 15,by amassing 9 straight wins after week 6, the Bengals were on track to win the AFC north, once more. But this time he had no one to celebrate his accomplishments with.

Luckily for him, the day he saw Victoria's post he had a scheduled appointment with Dr. Paulson.

He walked into her office, feeling lightheaded. The conversation promptly lead them to discuss what he saw.

"You know, Victoria is in Paris right now" Joe looked down, holding back tears, as he did so often lately, he was barely holding himself together. "And I think it's incredibly funny how I went from knowing every little detail about her day to day, like I used to listen to her go on and on about how she once threw her experiment in the trash by accident, or how her friends would mock her about wanting me, to her big career goals and everything in between, just to now be so clueless about her life that I didn't even know she was on another continent until I saw an Instagram post" Joe couldn't hold back the tears anymore, they started rushing outside of his eyes, desperate for a way out.

Dr. Paulson didn't say anything, she knew how much Joe needed to say the words out loud, and process his emotional turmoil on his own.

"And it hurts doc, I don't know what she's doing there or who she's with. I feel so left out of her life. I miss being a part of it. The simplicity of our late night conversations where she would tell me everything. I miss her and I have no idea how long will it take me to stop thinking about her every fucking minute of every fucking day. It's like I miss her so bad, and yet I'm so sick of her. Of her memory lingering over me"

"You know contradicting emotions are perfectly normal when we grieve, it's very common for people to feel devastated at the end of a relationship but still feeling hopeful about the future, and that's so counterintuitive that we perceive it as a negative thing. You are mourning the loss of this relationship, but for a bond so significant like the one you shared, the losses go beyond what you initially think. It's the little things that keep stinging: the little late night talks you mentioned, the feeling of being included in her life, plans and decision making, how you would've known and probably accompanied her to Paris if you were still together, it's the realization of her being gone and your lives taking different paths that's toughest"

Joe blew his nose with the tissue that the Dr. had provided for him at the beginning of their session, in an attempt to stop himself from crying anymore. It wasn't working, his heartbreak was too much to keep it under control.

"I don't know what to do. I love her like crazy. I know she's the one for me, and I know I blew it by being an immature asshole unable to deal with my emotions, but I don't know how am I supposed to navigate life without her" Joe confessed.

"Do you sometimes feel the urge to pick up the phone and call her?" Dr. Paulson inquired.

"All the time. The only thing stopping me is remembering how she asked me to go no contact" Joe tried not to sob as he remembered her harsh words.

"It's a great display of character on your behalf that you honor her wishes even at the expense of your own needs. It's showing growth. And if you want a chance of getting back with her you are gonna have to do a hell of a lot of growth"

"Do you think I stand a chance of getting her back, doc?"

"I couldn't tell know for sure Joe, you loved each other deeply, and what you had isn't easily forgotten. The last word, however will be hers and yours. I can tell you how proud I am of your emotional growth and the effort you're putting on improving yourself. It will surely lead you to a happier life, with or without Victoria"

"Without Victoria" he thought. That possibility was too excruciating.

Joe left Dr. Paulson's office feeling more confused about which way to go now. Was it the better option to try and move on from their relationship? Was it even possible to let go of something so real, and great and beautiful and genuine? He couldn't fathom the thought of giving up on her so easily. So he gave into his most ardent desire. He texted her.

Joe Burrow: I always thought we would explore Paris together. I hope you are loving the city.

I had so much fun writing this, tbh it was so interesting to watch these two have their own separate lives and deal with their break up.

I kinda miss their cheesiness though. Hope you enjoyed, reading. Thank you so much for the 6k!

Lots of love ❤️‍🩹

Note:I was going to update this yesterday but after that shit show of a game, I postponed it. I just hope Joe is okay and has a speedy recovery. Hate to say it but I think the season might be over for them 💔Man I hate TNF, all it does is get players injured. Shoutout to Cam as well, hope he's okay. More 2: well that didn't age well. He's officially missing the rest of the season, let's hope he heals up and rests his calf and wrist. So sad rn.