Chapter 61: Recovery

It's been 4 days since I was brought into the hospital now, and every fucking thirty minutes somebody needs something from me, whether it's blood, vitals, medicine, to go to the bathroom, to walk around, anything and everything. I just want to sleep. I know Spencer is frustrated, too, but he would never let it show. I'm sure this has happened the past few nights, but I've been so high I don't remember the past few nights for the most part. By the time it's about 8 am, Priya comes back into my room. She smiles and says "I have good news. Dr. Jeffries is going to do one final evaluation of you and then he's going to see if he can remove the chest tube so he can discharge you to recover at home. You will have to come in to get the chest tube incision checked out in a few days, so don't go back to DC just yet, though." Spencer and I grin at each other and nod to Priya in understanding. Spencer stands and says "okay...um...I'll start packing up our things!" Priya nods with an excited expression as well. She tells me "he will go over everything with you, but again I want to reiterate, don't lift anything heavy, take it easy, but you still need to try to move regularly." I nod in response as she continues. "We are going to send some pain killers home with you, but hopefully you can wean off of those and onto ibuprofen starting sometime this week depending on your healing process. Because this is a very unique situation, we don't have a certain timeline of what to expect when in your healing process." I nod, makes sense. The painkillers may be a problem for Spencer, though. I'll ask him when we are alone so I don't embarrass him in front of Priya. Priya asks a few more questions before leaving the room and shutting the door. I stand up by myself, bracing against the bed, and slowly make my way over to my bag. Spencer notices I'm up and rushes to make sure I don't need extra support. He asks "hey, do you need me to get anything?" I shake my head and say "I just want to wear leggings and a sweatshirt so I can look like a normal human when I leave." Spencer chuckles and nods, helping me get my stuff together. I look at the door and then back to him before hesitantly asking "Spence?" He hums with a questioning tone in response "hmm?" I clear my throat a couple of times before saying "will you be uncomfortable if I come home with painkillers because of your...history?" Spencer readjusts his stance, looking uncomfortable with the question I just asked. He says after a second "I'll be fine, you need them." I nod, continuing to busy myself, not happy with the frigid vibes in the room now. We silently pack things together and I notice Spencer trying to create more space between us. I gulp and get up the nerve to ask him "Spence, did I upset you?" He sighs and looks down before trying to articulate his question. He says "it-it's just..um...do you...ugh do you not trust me to be around your painkillers while you recover?" My eyes widen as I realize where his genius mind took him on that dangerous train of thought. I shake my head and tell him "no, Spence I trust you 100%. I just don't want to add unnecessary stress to you right now. We are still grieving the loss of Emily and working through whatever the hell happened to me, so seeing a bottle of painkillers by the bed or in the bathroom might just be too much for you to feel comfortable around during this difficult time. I'm not saying I think you would steal my painkillers, I just don't want them to cause intrusive thoughts or unwanted stress if you think their presence can cause that." His shoulders relax with relief as he nods in response. He tells me "I'm sorry. I jumped to conclusions. I was just concerned that you thought I had so little self control that I would steal painkillers, painkillers that you actually need to recover somewhat comfortably." I give him a soft smile and shake my head "nope, I trust you with painkillers more than I trust myself with chocolate." Spencer chuckles and I continue "there's the smile I've been missing. Let's continue getting ready so we can get out of here and get back to our fur child." Spencer chuckles "he will be so excited to see you." We get ready to go and Priya comes in with a new paper gown. I eye it, confused, and she tells me, reading my thoughts "Dr. Jeffries will need to do a total evaluation of your incisions and wounds. He said you can keep bottoms on because he doesn't need to inspect any injuries below your spleen removal incision." I nod, it would be easier to do that than to constantly navigate around a shirt and it's not that different from the breast exam at my yearly physical appointments. Spencer pulls a chair up by the bed and holds my hand, giving me an encouraging smile. Priya leaves to tell the doctor we are ready and Spencer gently caresses my thumb with his hand while we wait quietly. Dr. Jeffries walks in a few minutes later with Priya and he washes his hands and gloves up before he walks around the hospital bed to inspect the drainage from the chest tube. He looks at it briefly and says "there's definitely less than 200 CC's of drainage and there's no pus or anything, so I think we are good to remove it." I sigh in relief, looking over to Spencer who is excited for me as well. Dr. Jeffries continues his exam "your incision from your surgery is healing nicely, do you still have a lot of pain from that?" I respond "uh, mainly when I sneeze or laugh. Sometimes getting up or readjusting in bed can make it hurt a bit but not every time." Dr. Jeffries nods "that's normal, that pain might also be attributed to your broken rib that's still healing. What about your arm?" I take my left arm out of the sling and move it around with a fairly good range of motion. Dr. Jeffries nods "looks good. You don't have to wear the sling anymore unless you have pain after you remove it. I want you to get physical therapy back home. Once you get a clinic figured out then I'll send the orders there. The physical therapy is a bit of an extra precaution to ensure it doesn't cause any long term damage." I nod, understanding and appreciating how thorough he is. He then asks me "okay, let's check the wounds on your back and then we can remove the chest tube." I nod, moving as directed. He checks it, gently touching in different spots. He asks me "any residual pain from these?" I answer "not as much now, but it was really difficult to sleep or lie here comfortably in the beginning without my back hurting. Now my biggest complaint is it's itchy." Dr. Jeffries nods "good, that means it's healing. Everything looks good, as long as you continue to follow orders you should make a fully recovery. Now, let's get started on that chest tube removal." Spencer and I both smile and thank him, relieved at the news. Dr. Jeffries and Priya mill around the room a bit, gathering things and ensuring a sterile field. They leave the room a few times and other people bring things in, I'm honestly in shock at how much prep this is requiring. There is a rolling table with a sterile field set up and Priya gets gloved and gowned and masked and even goggled before preparing the sterile field and gathering the materials needed. After Dr. Jeffries gets his PPE materials on as well, he walks over to the sterile field and begins preparing things, like tearing pieces of tape and certain lengths of gauze. I'm honestly getting scared and I have no idea what to expect, I should've reviewed the procedure or something before. Dr. Jeffries approaches me after everything is set up and says "first I'm going to remove the sutures around your chest tube and then we will remove the tube. Removing the sutures will probably hurt, removing the tube doesn't usually hurt, based on what I've heard, it just feels a bit strange. I need you to stay calm and still for all of this, that will help us the most. At one point I'm going to ask you to hold your breath and bear down to increase your intra thoracic pressure and keep air from getting into the lungs when I remove the tube. Removing the sutures will take the longest, but applying the dressing won't take long at all. Any questions?" I shake my head "no, I don't think so. I just didn't know how much goes in to removing this, really." Dr. Jeffries nods "we have to create a sterile field because we definitely do not want this getting infected and we don't want any excess air or anything else finding it's way through the hole where the tube was. You're gonna do great, you've been a model patient this whole time." I chuckle and smile, nodding "okay, I'm ready if you guys are." They nod and begin their work. The removal of the sutures hurts like a bitch and I'm gripping the sheets for dear life, trying to stay still and not mess up their process. He tries to go fast, but not so fast that he's compromising the quality of his work. Once all but one of the sutures are removed, the pain finally dissipates. Dr. Jeffries readies the new dressing and has it ready to apply near the tube. He tells me "okay now I need you to hold your breath and bear down." I nod, doing as instructed and before I know it, the tube has been removed and he's pressed the dressing down on my chest and is adding pieces of tape to seal it down. When he's done sealing it I finally release my breath and relax. Dr. Jeffries nods and says "great job, Miss Winters. Okay keep that on there for at least 48 hours. If you need to shower, cover it with occlusive dressings, like plastic. After the 48 hours is over you can cover it with a bandaid until it's fully healed. I do want to see you before you go back to DC in a few days, just to make sure everything is okay before I send you home. Give it a couple of hours and then hopefully all the paperwork will be pushed through and you guys can get out of here." We smile and thank him as they dispose properly of the equipment they used and then leave the room. I take a deep breath and it feels weird, but better than before. I turn to Spencer and say with glee "I can finally wear a sweatshirt without any tubes or needles sticking out of me!" Spencer chuckles in response "you're right, that is something to be happy about." I smile at him, finally feeling a bit like things can start to get back to normal now. I have closure in more ways than one.

•••••

The first thing I notice when I walk into my parents' house is my very excited dog. I chuckle and ask Spencer to pick him up so I can greet our fur child properly. Ryder is so excited to see both of us, but he looks confused when I won't pick him up myself. Of course he won't understand that I can't lift him again until I'm fully healed. My parents, brothers, and Spencer are all helping me and I honestly feel very claustrophobic with all of them surrounding me. I turn around to look at all of them and say "hey, I appreciate what y'all are trying to do, really, but you're crowding me and it's making me anxious. I'm okay. I can walk by myself now. I do need to get to my room though because I don't have the energy to be on my feet for too long." Everybody backs up about 3 feet besides my mother and Spencer and I'm okay with that. I lean into Spencer while my mother has a calm and caring hand on my shoulder, gently guiding me back to my childhood bedroom. By the time we get back to my room, it's much harder to breathe and I feel myself wheezing loudly, causing both Spencer and my mom to look at me with panicked expressions as I sit down on the bed. Spencer runs off to God knows where and my mom watched him leave, confused, before bending down to inspect me. She asks me "honey, what's going on? Are you okay?" I nod "yeah...just trying....to do...too much. Once I get...a few...deep breaths...I'll be...okay." My mother nods as Spencer comes running back into the room with some ice water. Spencer hands it to me and I sip it, not having the heart to tell him the water doesn't do anything helpful besides distract him for a few seconds. Spencer looks to my mom "this happened in the hospital and the nurse suggested ice water for it." My mother nods as the realization of why Spencer ran off so hurriedly dawns on her. She looks to me, gives a soft smile, and says "I'll ensure the boys get your stuff brought in and that you have easy and clear paths to the bathroom and such. You two stay here as long as you need to get you back to 100%." I give her a grateful smile and nod, saying "thanks, mom." She hums and nods "now you two get some rest. I'm sure you didn't sleep well at all in the hospital. We will check in on you both regularly and make sure everything is taken care of, so don't worry about anything." Spencer smiles and nods "thank you, Mrs. Winters." My mom chuckles "Spencer, after all we've been through you can definitely call me Lauren." I laugh a bit at that and so does Spencer. My mom leaves the room with that, shutting the door behind her. Spencer walks over to me, standing between my legs as I sit on the edge of my childhood bed. Spencer tentatively touches my waist on my right side, allowing his right hand to graze my left cheek affectionately instead of risking hurting my injured left side of my body. He looks at me through an expression I can't quite figure out. I ask him "what are you thinking, baby?" He sighs and says "a lot of things. I'm happy you're okay and getting better. I just wish none of this ever happened to begin with." I hum, nodding in understanding. I tell him "well, unless you figure out how to build a time machine, which I wouldn't put past you at all, we don't need to dwell on the past too much. We have a wedding to plan and a house to hunt for and all that good stuff. We can focus on the future while I recover. I'm fine, it's all going to be okay." Spencer chuckles "again, I should be reassuring you." I click my tongue at him "this is something we have to work through together. This is a trauma for you as well, Spence. It would be wildly ignorant of me to assume you have no negative emotions tied to what happened just because you weren't physically hurt. I'd be more concerned if you were being Mr. Big-FBI-Macho-Man and not my wonderful, empathic, caring, affectionate, thoughtful fiancée." Spencer chuckles at the deep voice I adopt when describing the former of the two options. I look down a bit and, after a brief pause in our conversation, I say "Spence...I don't know when I'll be ready again." He raises a brow as he gently caresses my cheek with his thumb. He asks "what do you mean?" After I remain silent because I'm utterly embarrassed to speak the words for some reason, Spencer connects the dots. His face softens and he shakes his head quickly as he says "you mean sex? Annie, even if it's years, hell even if it's decades, before you're ready to have sex again I do not care. I mean, I care about you, but your well being comes before sex, always." My throat catches a bit with a lump as I nod. Spencer gives me a sad smile and asks me "do you want to lie down and take a nap or do you want to do something else?" I clear my throat and nod, responding "um yeah, let's just lie down, Spence." He nods in understanding, moving to slowly help me into bed and into the position least likely to cause pain to my injuries. Spencer gets me all tucked in with pillows placed expertly around and against my body to help me feel the least amount of pain. Spencer leans down and kisses me on the forehead before beginning to move away. I stop him "Spencer, wait." He looks at me expectantly, waiting for what I'm about to say. I ask him "can you...can you kiss me on the lips?" He looks astounded at my question and asks "Annie, I don't know if that's a good idea." I look into his eyes and tell him "he didn't kiss me. That is still untainted." Spencer searches my eyes for signs of hesitancy. I look at him and tell him "I'm not a porcelain doll that will break with the tiniest bit of pressure. If we try it and I don't like it then we can wait a while before trying again. Please, I just want to feel normal again." Spencer contemplates my request and, after pondering it for a bit, he nods. He takes a deep breath before slowly moving his face towards mine. He stills just before our lips touch before I make the final move, closing the distance. I kiss him softly, only for a second before he pulls back. He searches my face for any kind of negative reaction. I chuckle and tell him "I'm okay. I know I'm safe with you." He gives me a sheepish smile, nodding, and taking a deep breath before saying "yeah. Okay. That's some great progress." I chuckle at his analytical side peeking out. I tell him "get in bed, baby. We can finally sleep without being interrupted by labs or vitals or whatever." He nods, climbing into his side of the bed. We both fall asleep almost instantly due to just how exhausted we both are.

•••••

I've been at my parents' house recovering for about 2 days now and I go back to the hospital in the morning to see Dr. Jeffries to get everything looked at before we get the all clear to head back to DC. I have enjoyed this time with my family, when we are all available we play games together. We've played BS - Spencer wasn't allowed to play after he hustled my brothers - along with codenames, kablab, cards against humanity, and more. It's getting easier to laugh every day, but the incision and the hole where the chest tube was has been bothering me a bit more since we've been home. I think it's just normal healing because it's also been itching just enough to be annoying. I want to quit taking the pain killers all together soon just because it is slowing everything down and I'm having the worst stomach cramps from them as a result. Ryder has been excited to have a yard to run around in because he doesn't have that in DC. We've only been in the fenced in back yard, though, still a bit too traumatized to take him out to the front yard. What sucks and is great at the same time is that my phone was smashed beyond repair in the front yard by Isabella James and I've been phoneless for the last few days. It's been a nice reprieve but I would like to be able to contact the outside world on my own. I sit on the couch with Spencer, my feet in his lap, both of us in comfortable silence. He gently rubs and caresses my feet, I think it's because it's one of the few parts of me he doesn't have to worry about the smallest touch inflicting pain. He asks me "what are you thinking about?" I shrug in response before saying "just nervous for the appointment tomorrow. As much as I love my family I'm ready to be back home, back to our normal." Spencer nods, continuing his ministrations on my feet. He says "I understand that. I've really enjoyed our time here, well excluding what all led to this. I just...I never got to have this type of family experience. It's nice to be able to experience it after years of longing for it." I feel a pang of guilt and nod in understanding. I sigh and tell him "one day you'll get to create this kind of family experience for our children. You'll be the best dad. You're great with Jack and Henry and you get along so well with literally everybody in my family. This is only the beginning of your family experiences." Spencer gives me a warm smile and nods. I continue, adding on "and the BAU is still part of your family, always will be." Spencer smiles broadly "yeah, they are. They've checked in on you a lot. Hotch hated that they had to leave so soon, but there isn't much he could do to delay orders from the director." I nod, understanding. I chuckle and tell him "man, I'm just making you burn through those saved sick days and personal days." Spencer laughs heartily "this is exactly the kind of thing I was saving them for." I throw my head back in disbelieving laughter, saying "Spencer, we both know it's because your job is your first love." Spencer smiles sheepishly, looking away. He says "well maybe a bit of that, too." I laugh and lean forward, slowly connecting our lips. Over the past few days, we've been relearning each other, reacclimating to our new normal together, as we navigate through this difficult time. Pretty much the only good thing to come out of it is that it distracted us from losing Emily. I feel a pain in my head as I'm reminded of the loss of a friend. I turn to Spencer and say "hey, we've figured out how to even out the wedding party without losing one of my brothers." Spencer raises a curious brow and asks "how?" I smile and tell him "George wants to play the piano before and during the ceremony. He still gets to be involved and the wedding party gets to be evened out." Spencer smiles a warm smile and says to me "I think that is a wonderful solution, Annie." I grin at him as he continues to gently rub my feet and I start giggling. He questions me with a curious eye "what?" I giggle a bit more before saying "you know I'm not a fragile papier-mâché doll now right?" Spencer blushes and nods "I just don't want to hurt you by accident. I would hate myself for that." I give Spencer a sad smile and nod "I understand. Your touch is really just the only thing I want. I don't want anybody else touching me and everybody else can leave me alone. I just feel safe in your arms, Spence." He smiles as he runs his hand up and down my leg, not yet offering a response. I continue to fill the silence "I know that this has been traumatic for you, too, and things will take time for both of us to get back to some semblance of our normal. It's okay, baby, you can take your time." Spencer gives me a shy and relieved nod. Still annoyed with the silence, I ask him "Spence...do you....not...find me...attractive anymore?" His eyes widen in disbelief, he hurries his words to say "what?! Of course I find you attractive still! What makes you think I wouldn't?" I shrug "I...I don't know. I just feel like I'm..like I'm some kind of damaged goods now. I just feel violated and it's altered how I feel about myself a bit. I hate how I look in the mirror now more than ever." Spencer sighs and gently readjusts to pull me in closer to him. He looks me in the eyes with a meaningful gaze. He tells me "I know I've told you this many times, but I'll say it as many times as you need to hear it. You are not damaged at all. Just like the pottery infused with gold, you grow more beautiful with every challenge. This challenge is a bit in the works right now, but it never took away from any of your prior beauty. He may have temporarily bruised you, but he didn't change the intelligence, the compassion, the empathy, the-the humor! He didn't change any of that or take any of that away from you. You are my Annie and I will always love you whether you are blemish free or whether you look like a Jackson Pollock painting. I love you, all of you. No stupid psychopath can take that away from us." I sniffle as my eyes water and I nod "thank you, Spence, I really needed that reassurance." Spencer quickly leans in and kisses me on the forehead "I know baby, I'll always reassure you, whenever you need." I smile warmly at the sentiment and burrow in a bit closer into his side. Spencer tenses but I just keep burrowing. He tells me "Annie, stop, I don't want you to hurt yourself." I shake my head "I want to be wrapped up in you again. My left shoulder is feeling a lot better." Spencer hums "You nervous for the appointment tomorrow?" I nod "a bit. I'm just ready to be done and get on with my life." Spencer chuckles "me, too, baby."

•••••

The next morning, Spencer and I are in an outpatient exam room in the hospital, waiting to see Dr. Jeffries. Spencer is messing with a model of the lungs and heart, playing with the pieces and inspecting them. When Dr. Jeffries comes in the room it startles him, so he fumbles with everything, trying to put it back together, before just setting it all down on the counter. Dr. Jeffries smiles at each of us and asks "how are we doing, guys?" I shrug and say "ready to go home to DC." Dr. Jeffries chuckles nods, washing his hands before gloving up. He asks me "you're a speech therapist, right?" I nod. He asks "do you see a lot of chest tube patients?" I shake my head "no I really see like tracheostomy patients, that would be the closest to somebody having a chest tube in my field. Usually chest tubes are temporary but if they are intubated or have a tracheostomy I'll treat them." Dr. Jeffries nods as he lifts the exam gown to inspect the dressings and sutures and wounds and all of that. It's the same as the other day, I was allowed to keep my leggings on and he just had to look around my chest and back areas to check everything. He palpates a bit and asks me questions like "does this hurt," "do you have any tenderness here," "can you feel this," and "has anything been bothering you while you were at home?" I tell him "nothing out of the norm from the hospital. Things are getting better, the pain isn't so bad anymore. The itching is getting worse, but that's to be expected." Dr. Jeffries nods "you're right, okay I feel confident you are ready to go home. Call if you have any questions. I'm going to remove the dressing from the chest tube and cover it with a band aid, you shouldn't have to worry about that anymore because it's healed nicely. Continue to take it easy and just listen to your body as you heal before you try to do too much at once. I wouldn't go back to work for at least two weeks." I nod "will do. Then I can wedding plan and house hunt." Dr. Jeffries looks between Spencer and me and says "no strenuous activity means no sexual activity for a while, love birds." I wasn't planning on jumping Spencer's bones any time soon given what happened to me, but I was hoping we could at least figure things out after a month or two. Spencer and I make eye contact before I say "I think I have a little more mental healing before I'm ready for that anyway." Dr. Jeffries nods "that's perfectly understandable. Take your time healing and, again, listen to your body. Y'all have a safe drive back to DC." We smile and nod together as Dr. Jeffries gets his stuff together and leaves the room. We follow suit after I get redressed, settling all the paperwork and insurance stuff before leaving. We plan to get packed up and leave today. We are going to split the drive up into two or three days so I can get my car back to DC and so Ryder and I can both get out of the car and walk around.

•••••

My family was very helpful when we were getting ready to leave. They helped pack the car and even wore Ryder out with a long walk and some play time. We have Ryder set up in the back seat for now in his bed and little seat belt; he goes right to sleep as soon as we get on the road. We hop on I40 and decide to ride until I feel like we need to stop. When we get hungry for lunch, we pick up food to go in a drive through and then eat at a rest stop so Ryder can run around a bit. As we are sitting at a picnic table on a rest stop just past Knoxville, TN, the sun is peeking through the trees and the weather is warm in the late April air. I ask Spencer "so when do you want to move into the house we pick out, ideally?" Spencer shrugs "I don't really care. It would be nice to have one found before the wedding, but I think as long as we don't have to renew the lease on our apartment I'll be a happy man." I smile and nod "that sounds good. We can be newlyweds in our apartment for a bit, make some new memories before moving into a new house." Spencer nods "I'm glad we agree on that. Before Emily died, I was planning to start house hunting the week or so after our New York trip, but that plan got shot to hell pretty much the second after we got back." I nod solemnly, he's totally right. I sigh and tell him "well, if there's anything you and I do well, it's adapt." Spencer chuckles and nods "you definitely have that right." I lean into him and press a light kiss to his lips. He lets me drag it out a bit longer than I thought he would let me, but he still doesn't want to get too heated. I'm not ready for sex just yet, but I am ready to ease back into the comforting and affectionate touch of my fiancé. Spencer chuckles and gently separates us. He tells me "don't rush or push yourself back into anything you're not ready for, especially after the doctor's orders." I pout a bit in response and say "Spencer I haven't had an orgasm in a month. I'm dying here." Spencer chuckles "you could've asked for permission before you went back home and I would've said yes. I will usually say yes, princess, unless I have reason not to, like a plan in place." I smile a bit shyly and nod. I then respond with "but, Spence, I was so depressed I didn't even think about that and I was so worried about you that the thought of sex didn't really cross my mind because you weren't okay and I knew it." Spencer's gaze softens a bit. He says "I know, baby, it's okay." We sit in comfortable silence for a bit before I turn to him with an idea. I proposition him "hey, if I can't have sexual activity, then you can't either. No jerking off until I can have an orgasm again." Spencer's jaw drops and he searches for the right words to fight back. I look at him and say "I got kidnapped and beat severely. You can go a few weeks or so without jerking it. It'll make that first time back for us that much more special. Like literally the first time 2.0 or something." Spencer chuckles "I suppose I can try to do that for you." I smile and nod "yes, you can."

AN: hey guys sorry I haven't updated regularly. I've had a bit of writers block with the recovery portion of the story and really just a lack of motivation. It's not necessarily fun to write this type of stuff and I don't want to get anything wrong 😂 May have looked up a video or two on removing chest tubes. I'm also in school full time with a part time job so I don't have a whole lot of time and this is one of my things I use to destress. Love you guys, hope you liked this chapter! 💛