Chapter 12: Pinky Promise

I wake up the next morning with a pounding headache. After a minute I realize it's not in my head, it's somebody knocking on the door. I get out of bed and go to open the door without looking to see who it is. I just want the noise to stop. I open the door to the bubbly Penelope Garcia, "morning, sweet cheeks, wonder boy sent me to check on you!"'she walks past me and into the apartment where she greets Ryder who is very excited to see her. I close my eyes and rub my temples as I turn around and ask "what time is it?" Garcia turns to me and says "it's 7:30 am I was just supposed to check in on you on my way to work. You gave Spencer quite a scare last night." I furrow my brow in confusion and ask "I did?" Garcia laughs and says "when boy wonder calls and you're as wasted as he said you were he gets really concerned." I shake my head and say "I don't even remember talking to him on the phone." She looks at me and says "that's probably a good thing. I brought you guys some breakfast. Just some fruit, eggs, bacon, and pancakes I picked up on my way. Be sure to take some ibuprofen, drink water, and rest up. Call me if you need anything!" With that she bids her goodbyes and walks out the door. After Garcia leaves I check my phone and see some texts from Spence.

Spence

Hey baby, I'm worried about you. Text me when you wake up so I know you're okay. 12:31 am

Hey Annie, Garcia is going to check on you in the morning since I'm still out of state. Please be careful. 1:07 am

Morning, beautiful. Please text or call me when you wake up. 7:14 am

Instead of texting in response I decide to call him because looking at this phone is making me sick. The phone rings twice before he picks up and says "Hey, Annie, how are you feeling?" I make a groaning noise and say "Morning, baby. I've been better. Why did you send Garcia to my apartment before 8 am?" Spencer laughs and says "well after our conversation on the phone last night I was worried about you. I've never heard you that drunk before." I laugh and say "Spence I can count on one hand the amount of times I get that drunk in a year. It wasn't planned, Killian and Alison showed up and surprised me with wine and we just got a bit carried away is all." He chuckles before saying "okay I was just worried because yesterday morning you seemed like you were a bit upset and I was afraid all of that made you feel like you had to turn to alcohol to avoid your feelings." I smile lightly to myself and say "no Spence, I will call you or somebody else before I drink more than just socially. It's not really something I do that often.Maybe one drink after work to loosen up, but honestly I usually am the designated driver." Spencer hums and says "okay, just know you can talk to me, just give me a call when I'm on a case and I'll call you back as soon as I can." I nod to myself and tell Spencer "okay, but I don't want to keep you from saving lives! You should get back to work." He laughs into the phone and says "baby. it's 5:30 am here. Everybody is still asleep. Morgan is snoring so loudly." I laugh at that statement and say "well you try to get some more sleep before you have to get back to work. The team needs their genius." Spencer laughs and says "okay baby I'll try. Have a good day" I smile to myself and say "you too, Spence" and hang up the phone. After hanging up the phone I look in on Alison and Killian in the guest room, of course they're both asleep still. I want to go back to sleep so I pack up the food Garcia sweetly brought us and put it in the fridge. I walk softly back to my room, Ryder's footsteps bouncing at my heels, claws tapping on the hard wood floor. I jump back in bed and Ryder settles in front of me, ready for some cuddles. •••••

It's been a few weeks now since my impromptu girls night with Alison and Killian. I'm leaving work, I had an earlier shift at the hospital today, so I'm getting off at 5 pm. I go home and get in comfy clothes and sit down to catch up on Grey's Anatomy with Ryder when my phone rings. The caller ID says Derek Morgan. I answer the phone "what's up, Morgan?" Morgan sighs heavily and says "hey baby girl, I think you should go check on Spence." I sit up, nearly spilling my wine and ask "is he okay, what happened?" Morgan struggles to find his words, stuttering a bit before saying "Hotch's ex wife, Haley, died today. She was killed by an unsub that was targeting Hotch. Spence was trying to act fine at the crime scene, but I could tell he was really having a hard time." I stand up and say "yes, of course, Morgan, I'll be right over there, I just need to get Ryder squared away for the night and I'll head over there." Morgan stops me and says "actually Garcia is on the way over to spend the night with Ryder so you can go spend the night with Spencer. She needs the emotional support of a dog and Spencer needs you, so it works out. If that's not okay with you I'll call her and stop her." I sigh in relief and say "no actually that's totally fine. Ryder loves her and I'd feel better with an FBI technical analyst watching him over night instead of my 17 year old neighbor. It's also cheaper." Morgan chuckles and says "alright, she will be there soon so I would get ready to go to Spencer's if I were you." I stop Morgan before he hangs up and say "Morgan, should I be worried he didn't call me himself about this?" Morgan let's out a breath and says "I wouldn't be worried or take it personally, he's just been on his own with this so long I think he's afraid to burden you with it or scare you off. Just approach him like a deer, be gentle and no loud noises or sudden movements." I chuckle lightly at his last statement and say "okay thanks for the advice Morgan and thanks for calling me." I can hear the smile in his voice as he says "any time baby girl, call if you need anything," and with that he hangs up. I quickly pack a bag to take to Spencer's. It's a little bit cold in D.C. now so I have on leggings, a comfy sweater, and short ugg boots ready to go over to Spencer's. I contemplate calling him but I decide I should just wait until I can be there to comfort him in person. He may not want to talk; he may just want the presence of another person. As I'm double checking everything while holding and loving on Ryder for a bit I hear Garcia's signature knock. I still check the peephole and let her in the apartment. Immediately she captures me in an embrace and holds me tightly. I can tell she's been crying and she's not her bubbly self. She says hello and tells me she will take it from here with Ryder, that she knows the drill. I give Ryder a kiss on the head and tell him I'll be back in the morning before handing him to Penelope. I leave with my stuff and lock the door behind me, heading to Spencer's. I get to his complex and see that his car is there. I feel some relief wash over me knowing he's home and not doing something reckless or lost. I make my way up the stairs to his apartment. I knock on the door. I hear nothing. I knock on the door again. I hear nothing again. I decide to knock one more time before the door swings open. I lay my eyes on Spencer and at first he looks mad and scared like a caged animal. I can see the fear and anger melt from his expression once he realizes it's me and not Morgan or anybody else on the team who he probably told he was fine. As the anger and fear melt away, anguish and grief paint his features in their place. He looks at me for a beat before pulling me in a tight embrace. He shakes slightly and tucks his head into my neck and I feel his tears hit my shirt. I don't mind at all. After a minute of a tight embrace in the threshold of his apartment, I lightly pull away from him and move to go into the apartment. I lead him back to his room, take my Ugg's off and climb into bed with him. I'm the big spoon behind him while he lets out choked sobs. After a few minutes I say "Morgan called me and told me what happened. He told me you needed me. My arms are always open, baby. I'm here to listen if you want to talk about it or I can just hold you if that's what you want." He doesn't say anything just continues to sniffle as he suppresses his cries. After a while he says "Just hold me. Please." I nod my head and rest it on his shoulder. I softly tell him "Let it all out, you'll feel better. I'll be here all night." With that he starts to slowly let his sobs wrack his body as he lets himself feel all the emotions he's suppressed today. Shortly after his cries reach their peak, they start to diminish in severity until he's once again letting out soft sniffles and hiccups before drifting off to sleep. I check a few times to make sure he stays asleep before allowing myself to drift off as well.

•••••

It's 11 pm when we both wake up. I had gotten to his apartment around 6:30 pm, so we took quite a long nap together. In his sleep he had turned over to face me and pulled me close to him. As I wake up I realize he's awake, too, but he doesn't look like he's been awake for long. We make eye contact and he gives me a tight lipped smile as he pushes my hair out of my face and quietly says "thank you." I tell him "You don't have to thank me, I want to be here for you. You can always call me." He nods his head, tucking it back into my neck. I play with his hair with one hand and rub his back with the other. We sit there like this for quite a while before he says "We all heard the gunshots on the radio. We heard her last words before she died. She was our friend." He starts to cry lightly again and I continue comforting him with my hands and say "I know baby, I'm so sorry." He quietly cries for a minute before saying "all I could think about was what if it was you instead. I would never forgive myself." I feel my chest tighten a bit as I hurt for him. I shush him comfortingly before saying "it's okay, I'm still here. You don't have to worry about me I'm still here with you right now. I'm not going anywhere." I can tell my words don't solve any of his worries, but that confirmation that I'm real and with him in this moment eases his anxiety slightly. He calms down, it takes about another hour but he calms down. He pulls back to look at me and says "Annie, I need to tell you something." I nod my head, still lightly stroking his hair and rubbing his back. He takes a deep breath before saying "a few years ago, I was taken hostage by an unsub. During the time I was with him he shot me up with a drug called dilaudid, despite my protests. "He was delusional and was living in multiple different personalities. He would hurt me in one and then revive me or give me dilaudid to relieve the pain when in another. After that I was addicted to dilaudid for about a year. I thought I hid it well but I didn't. Eventually I detoxed by myself and started going to narcotics anonymous meetings. I haven't used for almost a year and a half now, but times like these I feel so close to a relapse. The cravings I've suppressed come back with a vengeance every time. I don't know how to stop them." All the while I'm still trying to physically comfort him with my hands while trying to keep my eyes on his face, making eye contact when he allows, giving him a soft and understanding expression. After a second, when I know he's said what he wanted to say I respond "Spence, I'm so sorry that happened to you. You can't blame yourself for something you had no control over. I know it must be difficult for you. I don't see you any differently now. Honestly, I had my suspicions after you wouldn't take pain medication in the hospital for anthrax or gun shot wounds. I just decided to let you talk to me about it when you were ready. "You are such a good person and this doesn't change that. We all have our vices, we all have things we do that aren't the best. The bad things we do don't define us, it's how we let them affect us and affect others around us that determines who we are. You never have to be afraid of me thinking less of you or leaving you for this. Any time you feel close to a relapse you can call me and I will help. Any time you do relapse and need help getting clean again I will help. Even if we break up one day, I hope we don't, but even if we do you can always call me and I'll be here." Spence pulls away from the embrace, holding out his pinky and says "pinky promise?" I let out the smallest of laughs and say "I pinky promise, Spence. I will always be here." Spencer holds me tighter after he pulls me back into our embrace. After a minute I hear him say quietly next to my ear "I love you, Annie." I can't believe my ears. This is not what I expected to hear from him tonight. After about five seconds I turn to his ear and say "I love you, too Spence." He pulls back from our embrace and shows me his pinky again, I laugh lightly and intertwine my pinky with his before he captures his lips with mine. He kisses me gently and lightly, yet still with some slight urgency before returning to our comfortable embrace. We stay like that, in each other's embrace, for quite some time before we both fall back asleep until morning.

•••••

A few days later, I go with Spence to the funeral for Haley Hotchner. I know he needs the emotional support today. I hold his arm as we walk to the grave side service. As we listen to Hotch speak he grabs my hand and squeezes as if to make sure I'm really there with him. After the grave side service we go to the reception. I sit next to Spencer but try to stay out of conversations that feel Hotch focused or team focused. I'm still polite I just try not to stand out, instead just trying to be there for my boyfriend. I know Hotch is exhausted and grieving so at one point in the night I stop to take some time and spend it with Jack, Hotch's four year old son. I go to a corner with him where he has some toys. I'm in a dress so I have to sit carefully, but when Jack pulls out the big bin of LEGO's we sit and play, sometimes talking and laughing together and sometimes happily focused on our own creation. Spencer comes looking for me at some point and gives me a light smile as he takes a seat with us on the floor to play with LEGO's. Spencer looks at Jack and says "hey buddy what are you building?" Jack says "I'm building a tower, like the one in Chicago." Spencer nods and says "oh like Sears tower?" Jack smiles and nods at Spencer. After a second he turns back and says "Miss Annie said she's building a boat." I smile sheepishly and hide my face as I say "it's not working out too well." Spencer lightly lifts my chin up with his hand and says "want my help? I do have a PhD in physics and a PhD in mathematics remember?" I shake my head laughing and turn to Jack and say "Uncle Spencer just has to always bring up that he's a genius doesn't he?" Jack giggles heartily before saying "yes he does!" Morgan comes over and says "I hate to interrupt this fun looking pow wow but I have to take Uncle Spencer because we have a case." Jack visibly frowns and says "awwww that's no fair." Spencer stays on Jack's level and says "yeah I know buddy, but Miss Annie can stay here and play with you for a while, won't that be fun?" Jack looks at Spencer then at me and back to Spencer before he smiles and says "Yeah!" He goes back to LEGO's as I stand to say goodbye to Spencer. I turn to him and say "Where to this time?" as I straighten out his tie and suit. He sighs and says "Nashville, Tennessee," with a small pout. I give a light laugh and say "let me know if you run in to any of my relatives. I have quite a few within 45 minutes of Nashville." Spencer laughs and says "noted," before leaning down to kiss me goodbye. As he pulls away I whisper "I love you, be safe." He smiles while intertwining our pinkies and says "I love you, too." Spencer leaves with everybody on the team but Hotch and Garcia as I stay behind to entertain Jack and help any way I can. As I continue to play with Jack he looks up at me and says "are you Uncle Spencer's girlfriend?" I laugh and say "yes I am, Jack." He then asks me "are you going to get married?" Just then Hotch walks in and takes a seat with us on the ground and says "Jack, Miss Annie and Uncle Spencer haven't been together as long as mommy and I were so they probably won't get married for a while," as he winks at me. I mouth a quick "thank you," to Hotch. Hotch turns to me and says, "I've got it from here if you want to head home, I appreciate you spending time with him. You're really good with him." I stand and say "kinda have to be as a speech therapist or I'd be out of a job for most of the field." I say goodbye to both of them and grab my purse as I head to go home and worry about Spencer until he comes home again.