22

Summer approached quicker than I had expected. I had spent the last months of my senior year preparing for college and ignoring my unresolved feelings for Noah. The way that he had left things last time we talked made me resent him a bit. How could he have ended things like that, so rough and so quick, after I had opened my heart to him just the night before? I had just gotten back from a week at Beth's when Elle barged into my room unannounced, "Ready for this Sunday lunch?". I raised my brows at her and faced the mirror to my right, my hair was tangled, filled with hairspray and what seemed to be pieces of gummy bears, my dress had a huge wine stain below my left boob, and my makeup or maybe the lack of it proved to her that I was indeed not ready without me having to say a word. Elle looked me up and down before sneering, "You don't plan to wear that, right?"

"Get out of my room", I said as I threw a shoe at her. I took a deep breath before heading to the bathroom to fix the mess that I had been through for the past few months. I knew Noah had flown back home and that he would be at the Sunday lunch and the graduation, and I was not ready for it, for the feelings, the stares ... for him. The warm water hit my back and I released another deep breath. It didn't matter how he left things, how he walked away and so suddenly stopped fighting for us. As soon as I saw him, I knew I would jump right back into his arms as long as he let me, and that, that scared me.

__

The morning went by in a flash, dad had prepared his famous catfish for lunch while Elle, Brad, and I prepared the side salad. The rest of the sides would be provided by the Flynn's. This lunch would take place in our house, not for any other reason other than the importance of the date, May 3rd, the day she had passed away. I had spent the week at Beth's dreading the fact that I would have to be here, in my home, plastering a fake smile on my face as we served catfish. I chuckled, "You know, she would have loved this. Us together, helping dad make his famous catfish", I said as I made air quotes at the end of the sentence. Both Brad and Elle burst into laughter, "Hey", Dad protested, "Your mom said this was the best catfish she ever ate!"

"Was that before or after her bottle of wine?" Elle asked playfully. The whole family laughed at the question, and as memories of her filled our minds I could see when each and every one of them slowly lost themselves in their thoughts. Today was hard, for everyone in this family, but Mrs. Flynn had it hard too, that's why she had planned this lunch because she wanted all of us to go through this day together. A knock on the door startled all of us from our thoughts, dad as always started to shout orders. With all my luck, I of course was chosen to greet our guests at the door. I took a deep breath, don't do anything stupid, I thought to myself. I placed my hand on the door and turned the handle, as I pulled the door open Lee swarmed in, "I really have to use the bathroom", he said as he quickly ran past everyone in the living room. "Mrs. Flynn, Mr. Flynn, welcome in", I said as stretched my hand, signaling for them to enter. I waited for him to appear, my heart racing off my chest, for a second I didn't think he had come, and a wave of relief hit me until of course, his eyes met mine, "Hi", he said as he kept his gaze on me. I forced a quick smile and made my way to my dad, who was setting up the table, "Please take a seat", he said as he brought out the plates. I rushed to help him and grabbed the catfish, it was beautifully plated with lemon halves, herbs, and roasted potatoes. The pot was steaming hot so I carefully placed a cloth under it to alleviate the heat that was oozing from the pan. "Here, let me help you", Noah said as he stepped in front of me and placed his hands on top of mine below the pot. "It's ok, I got it", I insisted. "I'm already here, let me", I didn't let him finish as I removed one of my hands from under his and placed it on the handle, in an attempt to take control, forgetting of course the main reason I had placed that cloth at the bottom of the pan in the first place. I hissed in pain, "Are you alright?" he asked, but my dad had turned his attention to my burnt fingers and before I could even look back at Noah he had dragged me to the sink, "place some cold water on it", he said, "it will help with the pain." I rolled my eyes, how could I have been worried that I would've thrown myself in his arms again when it was so clear the reason we broke up in the first place? We didn't work together, we were never a perfect pair, a perfect couple, things always seemed to set us apart instead of bringing us together. I took another deep breath, this time closing my eyes, you got this.

I reached for the salad, but his hands had gone for it too, and again they had ended up on top of mine. His warm touch sent chills down my body, it didn't matter if I hated him or loved him, Noah Flynn was my first love and he would always affect me. I sent him a cold glare as I pulled the dish toward me. He quickly let go and grinned. "Is your hand okay?" he asked as I placed the salad on the table. "Nothing too serious", I said showing him the fingers. "Alright everyone take a seat", said Mrs. Flynn as she brought out the last of the food.

The catfish was indeed amazing and deserved its title. It seemed like my dad had taken each and every moan that came out of our mouths as we ate as a compliment since he sat straight up with a smile splatted across his face watching us all eat. It seemed like everyone except him had noticed how Noah hadn't taken his eyes off me, fixating on my face, trying to get me to look back. It had become rather awkward to try to avoid his stare. "So?" my dad turned to Noah now noticing what was going on, "How is school?"

"It's been good" he nodded as he quickly turned his head to answer my father but brought his stare right back to me. "I have great news!" Elle stated, trying to break the awkwardness, "I've started to look into colleges and well, I am thinking about attending Berkeley!". Our attention shifted to her, Berkeley was where my mom and Mrs. Flynn met. She wanted to go there because of her mom. I forced a smile, "Berkeley will be lucky to have you", I said as I reached for her hand and squeezed it tight. Across from me, I could still feel him staring.

"The same goes for you Emily", Mrs. Flynn said, "Harvard will be lucky to have you!". The shift in my face caused some of them to raise their brows, I had forgotten I had told everyone that I would be attending Harvard in the Fall, prior to being dumped of course. "Any school will be lucky to have her", Noah spoke up, "She's the smartest person I've ever met". The compliment felt frigid coming from his mouth, although I knew he did not mean it like that. Everyone at the table was aware of our split, so this lunch had been postponed multiple times, afraid of what would happen if both of us got together under the same roof. I chuckled at his comment as I looked down, I was about to say something but felt a hand on my leg Elle gave me an unnerving look. This lunch had easily become the most awkward of our encounters. We used to feel like a big family, but now ... now you could clearly tell our families apart.

_____

My palms were sweaty at the call of my name, I made my way to the stage where my principal stood handing out the diplomas. Senior year had gone by so fast that I didn't even realize that this was it, the last time I would walk through those halls and see these people. After the ceremony was over I rushed to find my family. My dad stood in the middle of the crowd with a beautiful bouquet of roses and some balloons. Brad ran towards me when he first saw me and threw himself in my arms, "I'm really proud of you!" he said. I'm not sure he even understood what was going on but I went with it, there weren't a lot of times that Brad showed affection so I had to take advantage of every moment that he did. Behind my dad stood Elle and the Flynns, starting with my dad each one by one congratulated me and gave me a hug, the last person on that line was Noah. As Lee walked away from me Noah stepped up, all of our family had somehow disbursed into the crowd. Conveniently.

He stood in front of me holding a bouquet of tulips. "I remembered you said that you wanted lilies when you graduated, to feel like your mom was with you too", he said handing me the flowers. I smiled, "How did you remember?"

"I've never forgotten one thing you have said to me."

I felt a warm feeling in my chest, he remembered. "Thank you!" I smiled as he inched closer for a hug. "It's good to see you smile", he whispered in my ear as his arms surrounded me in a warm embrace. This was it, this was the feeling I was scared of, I didn't trust myself, not when I was around him, not when he was saying these things and acting like he hadn't just broken my heart months before. I pushed him away rather quickly, surprising him, " I should go find Beth", I said as I walked away. I did not look back but I could feel it, his eyes... lingering.

_____

Traditions were important in our families, especially if they were created by our moms. So, like clockwork every mid May we would gather by the beach house and stay for a few days. This year was different, with all of their kids moving away to college soon our parents had decided to sell the beach house. I had packed lightly in case Beth wanted to rescue me from this. Dad and my little brother had to head up to the house first. Elle and I stayed behind and decided to catch a ride with Lee, who had invited his girlfriend. "Lee is here!", Elle warned me as she ran down the stairs to see her best friend. I picked up my bad and headed downstairs to our driveway. Lee and his girlfriend were sitting in the back of the car, Elle had placed her bag on the back and took a seat right next to them, filling up the last spot, one that I thought I would happily inhabit for the next hour.

I was so caught up in their seating arrangement that I did not notice the car's back door and slammed my face right into it. "Are you alright?" Noah said as he raised his hands to touch me, but quickly retracted as if he had just remembered that we were not together anymore. "Yeah", I groaned in pain. "There's no cut so it will probably just become a small bump", he said as he inched closer to my face looking at my forehead, his eyes slowly lowered to mine. His warm hand caressed my face, tucking my hair behind my ear, "You'll still look cute", he smirked. I pushed his hand away, "that's the least of my concerns right now", I said as I placed my bag in the back and headed to the passenger seat, this seating arrangement felt more familiar now, now that I knew that Noah was driving. I sent my sister a cold glare through the review mirror, she had not warned me that I would have to spend the next hour stuck in a car with my ex.

"Here let me help you", Noah said to Elle and Rachel as he took their bags, they both smiled in gratitude as they made their way into the house, Lee right after them holding his bag and some other goodies his mom had asked him to pack.

"Do you...?" he started the question. "No it's okay", I stopped him reaching for my own bag. "What are you doing?" I asked. "Picking up the girl's bags?", he knew what I was talking about, my jaws clenched and I pressed my lips firmly together. He noticed, "I'm just trying to have a civil vacation. Though that you would appreciate some normalcy for a change." I took in his words and faked a smile, "You know me so well". "Is that sarcasm that I hear?", he said with a touch of a smile. I ignored him as I picked up my bag and made my way to the door, a smile appeared on my face, one that I refused to let him see, for a minute there it felt like us.

Mrs Flynn had prepared everything for our goodbye party this afternoon, she wanted to share the house with friends and family one last time before letting the kids enjoy the last few days. The day had been busy, Mrs. Flynn took advantage of the extra hands and ordered us around. Rachel had spent the day by Mrs. Flynn's side, an attempt to get to know her future mother-in-law I assumed. Elle, Lee, Noah, and I were in charge of decorating, we had spent the entire afternoon putting up lights and setting up tables. I noticed the small bungalow we had close to the decks that faced the lake, it looked untouched, sad, and old. My mom loved that bungalow so I took it upon myself to decorate it. I grabbed a box of lights and some candles and headed down to the lake. "It would sit better if you wrap it around the wood", his voice interrupted my thoughts, I stood up from the crouching position I was in trying to figure out how to hang those lights. I handed him the lights, signaling for him to do it, he smirked as he picked it up and his hand lightly brushed mine. I sat down and watched him work, I didn't even have to say a word, he had taken it upon himself to finish it on his own. I took the other unit of lights from the box and started working on the other side of the bungalow. Noah was tall, his arms stretched to the ceiling with no problem, I on the other hand had to grab a stool. The stool was old and rusty and not very trustworthy, Noah realized that once he had finished his part and kept surrounding me and watching like a hawk. His hand grazed my thighs at the nearest sign of unbalance, I looked down, this tall man now looked so small by my legs. Our eyes met and his soft, warm hands touched my thighs lightly, holding me in case I were to fall. "Here, let me help you down", he said extending me a hand, I was so lost in his touch, his warmness that the stool seemed closer to the ground, and when I took my step I fell, right on top of him. His back hit the floor first, and I followed right after collapsing into his arm. "Ouch", he winced. We exchanged looks before his eyes crinkled at the corner and his laughter filled the air, I joined him as I flipped myself to his side. "What the hell is going on?", Lee asked confused at our reactions. Elle peaked right behind him, and the first thing her eyes wondered about was not her sister and her ex-boyfriend lying on the floor, but the lights in the bungalow that were now on illuminating the whole space. "This is lovely", she complimented. "I thought she would have liked it", I said sitting down and tapping on the space next to me, inviting her to take a seat. "She would have loved it", she said teary-eyed. Noah had also sat up and Lee had taken a seat next to Elle. The four of us stared into the lake, this was it, the last summer in this house filled with so many memories. Elle reached for Lee's hand and extended her other one to me, I took it and squeezed it tightly. I looked to my side where Noah stood, his eyes met mine and he smiled. I extended my hand to him, his fingers quickly embracing it, holding tight as if he did not want to let go.

Lee and Elle had stepped away, leaving Noah and I alone again. Neither of us dared to let each other's hand go. "You were always very clumsy, ever since I've known you" he chuckled. I smiled at the comment, I got that from my mom. "I've known I've loved you since I was a kid, there was something about you, something that gravitated me towards you," he said. "And this whole time I thought you were just Lee's older brother until you weren't", I replied. "Six years ago you were sitting on this floor, teary-eyed. You were about to start high school and your mom was not here to see it. You went on and on to me about how much you missed her and how it felt to know she would never see you graduate." "The lilies?", I asked cocking my head. "Yes", he paused, "that day you told me that when you graduated you hoped to see lilies, a sign that she was there watching over you. It was then that I decided I would never let anyone hurt you. That I wouldn't let any of those bastard high school boys near you. I would keep your heart safe, I would keep you safe."

"We all know how that turned out", I chuckled, my hands still wrapped around his.

"I have missed this, I have missed us" he paused, " I have missed you". My heart ached, I had been waiting months to hear this and thought that this would've been enough to throw myself back into his arms, but now sitting here listening to the words come out of his mouth all I felt was relief. Relief that I hadn't been the only one suffering, relief that all we lived through was not a lie. Noah and I weren't meant for each other, at least not at this time, but that wouldn't change how we felt and we both knew it. "I thought I was doing the right thing. I thought that you were going to Harvard for me and I would never want you to do something just to please me", he confessed. "I know", i replied. I understood now, why he did what he did, it was like all it took was for me to see him, to know that he still felt something for me so that I could understand.

The night was getting colder and from the bungalow, we could hear the people chatting and the music playing from the house. He stood up, stroking his jaw, "It..." he paused, "It killed me to be the one to hurt you."

"I know", I replied with a smile standing up next to him, "but no matter what our relationship status is, you will always be Flynn, my sister's best friend's older brother". My Flynn. The reflection of the light hit his eyes, they gleamed like stars and it was then that I knew he was also thinking the same thing. His Millie.

We made our way to the party, the people were chatting and drinking. All the adults stationed themselves inside the house, while the teenagers were outside on the patio. A familiar face walked towards me holding two cups, "I thought you would never show up", Beth said handing me the beverage, "Coke with lime, a hint of salt, and a tremendous amount of ice. Just like you like it!". I snatched the beverage from her hand to take a sip. She had noticed Noah standing beside me and gave him a shaky smile. "I see some of my old teammates", he said placing a kiss on my eyebrow, "It was good we talked". I smiled and turned to Beth, her brows were raised and her mouth was open, "Are you going to explain what's going on?". I held my friend's hand, "In a bit", I said and I guided us through the crowd to the snack table. I had told her to stuff as much as she could on her plate because I wanted to take her to our tiny bungalow by the deck that we had spent all afternoon decorating it. As I was stuffing my plate with chips a hand reached for the bag, "You know no one will notice if you just take the bag". "Marco?" I asked shocked to see the tanned dark-haired man standing by me. "Missed me?" he asked as his arms embraced me into a hug. "I didn't know you were still in town. I haven't seen you since..."

"The kissing booth?", he completed my sentence, "I was out of town for a bit and had to clear my head. I'm sorry if I ever overwhelmed you."

"You didn't", I said placing my hands in his arm, "I had some unresolved feelings for both of you." His eyes sparkled, and he gently placed his hand on my waist. "I've been wanting to do this since that day in the kissing booth", he said as he gently pressed his lips to mine. My heart stopped, this was not what I meant. I pushed away and Marcos' face was met with a punch... Noah. "What the hell bro?" he asked attempting to stand up and defend himself, but he was knocked down again. "Noah!", I screamed as I grabbed his arm, I was about to open my mouth when he interrupted, "I'm out of here", he said heading inside the house. Beth walked up jaw wide open, "I sent you to get chips, not cause a commotion." I threw my plate on the table and headed inside, I needed to find Noah, I needed to know what kind of reaction that was. I passed by Lee's room where I heard both him and Elle screaming at each other. Lee no longer wanted to attend Berkeley with Elle, he wanted to go where Rachel went, and Elle was devastated. I stopped by his bedroom door and knocked twice before entering. Noah sat at the edge of his bed. I stepped in and took a seat next to him. "I didn't mean to", he apologized, "it's just... the lines between us get so blurry sometimes. I love you, Millie", he said reaching for a kiss. I placed my hand on his cheeks and gently pushed his head back, "I love you too Noah, but we can't, not while we know that we won't work." He rubbed his eyes, "I never thought you would be the mature one", he joked. "Well, I've grown", I said with a wide-face smile. "The thought of you with someone else drove me insane the past few months. I was so close to begging..."

"And I probably would've run right back into your arms", my answer shocked him, as if he knew he had missed an opportunity. "This summer let's focus on ourselves. No girls, no boys, no punching", I said emphasizing the last part, "we'll take it back to when we were just friends."

"I was never your friend Millie", he pleaded. He tightened his jaw and passed his hand through his hair. Even here, even now Noah was still one of the most handsome men I had met. Everything about him made my legs go weak. "We'll talk again at the end of the summer", I continued, "and then we will decide."

He nodded, not wanting to say a word, not wanting to fight. Noah's hand caressed my own and my head found its place in his shoulder.