Chapter 9

‘Coming!’ Get yourself together Nikki. Come on!

I literally don’t want to come out of this room but the reason why I’m here is to tell Harry everything it’s too unfair for him already.

I opened the door and Liv was already there waiting.

‘Are you ready? Shall we go now?’ he asked.

‘Yeah’ I smiled at him; putting on a brave face.

Liv noticed my paper plane necklace and told me, ‘Now he can really find you’. Then I just smirked at him and continued to walk with him.

‘Walk directly towards that black car, I’ll come afterwards’.

‘Okay’.

                                ******************************************************

After we arrived at the stadium, Liv walked me through a hallway backstage...

‘We’re a little bit early to be going backstage aren’t we? I think I should go to my seat’. I asked Liv; worried, although I think I know exactly the answer to my question.

Liv looked at me and I can tell by his expression that he’s worried as well and finally told me;

‘Harry wants to see you before the concert’.

‘HE CAN’T!’ I was surprised that I shouted, Luckily, everyone’s busy doing their work backstage so no one really noticed.

‘He can’t see me before the concert, it might affect his performance’.

‘I’m sorry Nikki, he insisted to meet you first’.

While we’re walking, I noticed a blonde guy walking towards us which turns out to be Niall Horan…

 AHH… This is real.

THEY are REAL.

This is actually happening.

Niall walked towards Liv and gave him a high five then Niall looked at me, looked at Liv with his finger pointing at me and nodded with a smile. I think he nodded because he noticed the VIP ID I’m wearing.

‘Hi I’m Niall Horan, nice to meet you what’s your name?’ Yeah, he thinks I’m a fan.

‘I’m Nikki, nice to meet you too’.

The moment I told him my name, He was surprised and covered his mouth with both hands. He then looked at Liv and looked back at me. I didn’t know what to do at that moment so I half smiled at him and involuntarily, looked at the ground.

‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry… I’m surprised… Don’t get me wrong, you’re a lovely lady but you don’t look like what Harry is telling us about?’

He looks so confused so I told him;

‘Because I am not her, and I’m here to apologize’.

He looked at Liv again, looked back at me and shouted ‘Oh my goodness! I get it, I get it, I get it! goodness, how did this happen? Well, good luck with that!’

He then turned to Liv and whispered something to him which I didn’t hear, ugh. Then he tapped Liv’s shoulder.

‘Nice to meet you anyway, Nikki’. Then Niall smiled at me and continued to go somewhere he’s supposed to go. Wow, thank goodness, Niall is cool about this I can sense that he is just a happy go lucky, playful guy. I just hope that Harry would be as cool as Niall about this. Naah… impossible.

‘This way Nikki’ Liv told me as he stopped in front of a door with Harry’s name.

‘You won’t come inside?’ I asked him.

‘I think you both need the privacy; I’ll be here outside. He’s waiting for you’.

I have never been this nervous in my life. Never have I ever felt my heart beat this fast; it feels like I’m palpitating and the moment I open this door, I feel like I’m gonna have a heart attack.

I grabbed the door knob and took a deep breath; Liv tapped my shoulder and I smiled at him, pushed the door open and I saw the curly haired boy wearing his signature black ripped jeans and black top watching the television; I looked back at Liv and I saw him closing the door putting up a thumbs up sign.

Okay Nikki take deep breath you can’t walk away now. You have come a long way, there’s no turning back.

When Harry noticed me in the room, he looked at me and his face immediately lit up with a big adorable smile.

‘Hiiiiii… what’s your name? Do you want a picture?’ He too, thinks I’m a fan. Nice.

‘I uh… well…’ What’s wrong with me?! why can’t I say anything!?

Then I noticed Harry’s smile disappeared from his adorable smile, it turned to confusion and when he saw my paper plane necklace, I knew that he knew what was happening.

I held my necklace, looked in the ground and said…

‘I came to apologize’…

He was silent, seems like he’s lost for words. I was waiting for his answer so I looked up at him and his eyes were looking straight at me, staring at me not because of affection, but because of confusion or anger? Or maybe worst of all… disgust.

‘I’m really sorry Harry… I didn’t want to –‘…

‘You didn’t want to? What did you say? You didn’t want to?’

He’s angry, I knew it. Be brave Nikki, you’re here to explain keep yourself together.

‘Please listen to me, I didn’t want any of this to happen, I had no choi—‘

‘I absolutely cannot believe this happened’…

Then he went out of the room, slammed the door and I heard him talked to Liv,

‘What was that Liv?’

‘Harry it’s her’.

‘That’s rubbish! You knew? Why didn’t you tell me?’

‘I thought she had some explaining to do. Talk to you personally’.

‘You think I’m gonna let that fool me again? I was so stupid! This is a huge mistake… good jesus!’

Huge mistake? I’m a mistake? I KNOW I WAS WRONG, but just like that he’ll throw away everything? He’ll consider everything as a HUGE mistake? I tried to stop myself from going out of the room but I can’t help it, I lost my cool, I need to defend myself, I had to.

I opened the door and both Harry and Liv looked at me by surprise, Harry looked around, grabbed my arm and pulled me back to the room this time with Liv, Harry locked the door and told me…

‘Ms. Nikki, this is a huge mistake’…

‘Can I please explain myself? I know I did wrong and you have the right to be angry, you’re entitled to that, but you’ll consider everything as a mistake just like that? Everything I told you, everything I shared to you… it was all me. All those things we talked about, relate to, all that was a huge mistake? Why? Because I’m not as attractive as you thought I would be?’

‘Calm down, Nikki’ Liv told me.

‘Liv, please… I came here to explain everything –‘

‘How can I trust you? How can I tell you’re saying the truth when you’ve been lying to me all along? How do I know which is which? Which is true, Nikki? If that’s even your real name’…

‘Listen, everything you knew about me was the truth, I just can’t come to tell you that that picture wasn’t me because I fear you’ll look down and different on me… which is actually happening right now… I came here to explain everything and apologize having this little glimmer of hope that maybe the Harry I was talking to, the Harry that I knew would at least understand and find it in his heart that what I’m saying is true’.

‘All I can think of right now, is you’re a pro. You’re a pro con artist, congratulations; you got me to fund everything for you. You did a great job there’.

My mouth dropped open with what I heard. I never expected that Harry would say such a thing to me; to anyone. I felt tears coming down my face and I immediately wiped them off with my hand.

Liv then turned to Harry and said;

‘Harry, I think that’s too much… You know that’s not true, she’s a sweet girl and I know you know her more than I do’…

‘What? Now you’re taking her side?’

‘I’m just saying, that was absolutely mean, and----‘

‘Liv, just let him think what he wants to think… For one Harry, I have never asked you to fund me to go here… I never even wanted you to give me things. So you have no right to call me a con artist. If you don’t want to listen to what I have to say then so be it. I’ll stay out of your sight while I’m here if that’s what you want, you won’t see me until the end of my stay here. Goodbye Harry’.

And with an ice cold look he just plainly told me, ‘Good’.

That’s it.

Then I removed the paper plane necklace he gave me, well, he never really gave that to me, he gave it to what he pictured me to be so this clearly did not ever belonged to me in the first place. I noticed he was wearing his necklace too, I felt my heart dropped but I tried to pull myself together and placed the necklace in the table and pulled out the phone he gave me and placed it in the table as well. I looked him directly in his eyes, I didn’t care if my eyes were all watery again and with a shaky voice I asked,

‘Let’s say I didn’t change my display picture… that I was actually in it, would you still notice me? Would you still bother to go this far?’

He plainly looked at me from head to toe and gave me no answer.

Wiping the tears off me, I told him;

‘I’m leaving. Goodbye’.

Liv opened the door for me and I immediately went out. Walking away from the love of my life. This is more painful than what I expected. So much painful than pain itself; The pain in which I wouldn’t want anyone to feel; the kind of pain wherein I would do anything and everything in my power to not let my future daughter feel the pain that I felt from this.

The Harry that I knew was so sweet, childlike, sensitive, thoughtful and caring. Was it only because he thought I was the girl in the picture? More than the fact that my brain knew that this is what Harry’s initial reaction would be, Even before I went here, I was convincing myself that maybe Harry would understand, there’s a little voice in my heart screaming that he could forgive me. But with what he’s doing now, this clearly yells that my brain is right. I’d like to believe that the heart is greater than the brain, but now I know, that there’s no truth to that.

‘We’ll drive you back to your hotel’.

‘It’s okay Liv. The hotel is not that far away from here I can just ride a cab’. I told Liv not facing him; I don’t want him to see how miserable I am.

‘Nikki, we will drive you back to your hotel’. He firmly told me.

                            ***************************************************

When I got back to the hotel, I immediately begged Liv to allow me to check out of this fancy hotel so I could stay in a much more normal hotel room. And that I like to use my own pocket money so Harry wouldn’t have anything to say. I also asked Liv to return everything Harry sent me which is on a separate luggage. He agreed to bring back those Harry sent me but asked me to stay in this hotel so he could look for a place that could fit my budget. So I agreed to stay until Liv finds a new affordable place to stay for me.

I really appreciate Liv for the help; in fact, he doesn’t even have to help me anymore at all because I know that Harry would rather want me to get lost and be out of his sight and Liv works for Harry and the boys so I'm just grateful that Liv has the heart to give a hand to me during this hard time. He knows that I obviously need help especially now that I’m heartbroken and alone in a foreign land.

Liv was in a rush to leave because he still has work to do, the boys will have the concert in an hour so he immediately left after we talked. After Liv left, I just cried my heart out; I didn’t care if people from the other room could hear or if the whole of London could hear. I just really wanted to cry.

Mom and dad told me that once I landed, I must skype them and inform them that I safely landed so they would know that I’m doing good. Well, I did skyped them, but no video call at least not tonight, I don’t want them to see me like this so I just messaged them with

‘Hi Mom, Dad! I just arrived here, it’s beautiful! Don’t worry about me, I can’t video call right now because we’re in a rush, I need to attend their concert. I miss you all already! Hugs! :*

P.S I’ll send pictures from the trip wait for it! I’ll keep in touch.’

I hope that sounds happy. It’s enough that I keep this to myself. I do not want them to be uneasy; I know how my mom and my dad worry they can get a little bit crazy.

I went to this hotel room’s balcony, while I drank the instant coffee that I packed from home, put my earplugs on, listened to the music that Harry and I shared together. From crazy for you by Madonna to the music of Kings of Leon and Coldplay even down to falling for you by The 1975 and Shania Twain’s You’re Still The One; then suddenly Van Morrison’s Tupelo freaking Honey played followed by my song for him, Once In A Lifetime by Freestyle.

Nice.

I shouldn’t have played our playlist. Now I’m crying again; all alone in this beautiful city.

Then I decided to stop already. I won’t be a damsel in distress anymore. I never wanted myself to be this miserable because of a guy even if it’s because of Harry Styles.

It’s over.

He doesn’t like me.

Get over it.

Once I’ve checked out of this hotel, he won’t have a trace of me anymore. I know he wants that to happen; for me to disappear and get to erase any memory of me that once in his life, he was fooled.

Hours passed and it’s already 2am here, I can’t sleep; maybe because of the instant coffee that I drank or because I’m thinking about what might have been if I was at the concert. I bet the show’s over at this hour so I checked twitter to see what happened in the concert, I know I shouldn’t but, just for this night, let me dwell on this heart break and face my  tomorrow moving swiftly on with my life.

When I opened my twitter account, #HarryStylesCrying, #CheerupHarry, #WeLoveYouHarry were all trending. I clicked the hashtags and I saw tons of pictures of him looking depressed onstage; I even saw a video of Zayn hugging Harry and whispering to him looking concerned and what’s that? He has bandage on his right arm? He didn’t have that when we met… wait, did he just punched something so hard that he had his arm bandaged? I bet if I stayed there a little longer he would have punched me as well.

He has nothing to do with me now, but why is my heart sinking at the sight of these pics? Why do I still want to run to him and cheer him up after all? I know he doesn’t want to see even a shadow of me because it’s my fault that he didn’t perform well tonight. And if the fans knew the reason behind it, I’ll be messed up big time.

That thought scared me so I immediately logged out of twitter and forced myself to clear my thoughts and sleep. Relax, Nikki everything will be okay. It’s not a problem unless you make it one right? Don’t think about it. Think about other things! Ahhhh!