Chapter 35

I look up at the stars all day and night 'cause I know you're waiting

Once again, the maknae dorm was in chaos when I stepped into it.

"I'm getting deja vu," I said dryly as Jeongin ran past me with a battle cry, swatting at the hazy smoke filling the room with what appeared to be a flip-flop.

"Yeji!" He shouted. "Thank god you're here!"

"God is dead and we're next!" Seungmin yelled from across the room; I could barely make out his figure through the hazy air, but it looked like he and Minho were standing on chairs, brandishing Febreeze bottles at the air.

I turned, searching for sanity. "Minho," I decided, heading towards him.

"Yeji, don't!" Minho cried, but I had already stepped through the doorway. He gasped, falling to his knees. "It's too late ... now our only noona is gone too..."

I opened my mouth, then closed it. "...Felix. Where's Felix?"

"Up here," Felix's voice called; I looked up and did a double take.

"Felix. Care to explain why you're on the ceiling?"

"A game of the floor is lava got ... out of hand," Felix explained, ripping the duct tape off the wall to land nimbly in front of me. "The fire detectors went off, but Minho-hyung and Seungminnie are still playing because they made a bet that whoever won would get radio privileges on the trip to the music video shooting place. It's an hour drive."

I looked over as Seungmin shouted, "Give up, hyung," his Febreeze bottle raised.

"I refuse to listen to an hour-long loop of Day6's Sunrise today," Minho snapped back, doing the karate kid pose. "I am willing to do whatever it takes, Kim Seungmin."

I turned back to Felix. Briefly, I wondered if before, we might have let Minho and Seungmin fight it out and gone somewhere to talk and laugh about their crazy antics. But now ... I knew it would be a while before we would do that again. But Felix was talking to me. Which meant I had a chance of being able to apologize—and maybe tell him I was wrong about Hyunjin.

I met his eyes. "Mind if I step in?"

He nodded. "Please do."

I walked across the floor, going over to the smoke alarm and switching it off. Then I dragged a chair over to where they were and climbed onto it. "You all have to leave in twenty minutes. Either find a playlist you both can agree on, or alternate who picks. Hand over the Febreeze."

Seungmin's eyes narrowed. "And if I don't?"

"Yeah, what are you going to do, tell my mom?" Minho sniped.

I crossed my arms. "No, I'm going to tell Chan."

The Febreeze bottles were in my hand in less than a second.

"Alright," I said, climbing back down. "Jeongin, who's shoe...?"

"Chan-hyungs," he said, waving the flip-flop apologetically.

I blinked. "Okay, then. I assume by the environment you all had cofee for breakfast?"

"No, Minho-hyung had Red Bull and coffee mixed," said Jeongin.

Felix shrugged. "I had tea, but like Minho's crocheting project of Soonie and Seungmin's a-day-in-the-dorm-life documentary, it is, sadly, unfinished, and somewhere in the kitchen."

"Hey, I remember my documentary," Seungmin said, perking up. "I bet I still have the tape..."

I blinked. "Okay. I'm going to make real, solid food for everyone; in the meantime, can one of you get the duct tape off the ceiling? I'll handle the rest when you're gone."

Minho's brows furrowed. "We can't leave you to clean up our mess Yeji, not after you just died from falling into the lava."

"It's fine, trust me," I said, cracking my knuckles as I surveyed the damages in the dorm. "Cleaning is my happy place. This room is like an empty canvas to me."

-

Twenty minutes later, the door slammed, and I was left alone.

The next two days were devoted to filming Stray Kids' music videos, which meant I would have much of that time to myself. Normally, I wouldn't have minded—I would've been looking forward to it, even—but the members always animated whatever space they were in so wholly, it felt empty now that they were gone. The fact that this was their home, not mine, made it only worse.

But I did value being able to read and write without the constant war cries and other clamor, and it was the perfect opportunity to call Claire.

First, though: cleaning.

The members had virtually no cleaning supplies, so I ran out to the store to fetch some; after that, I let my hands do the work, muscle memory taking over. Every swipe over the counters, whoosh of the clearing dust and sweep of the doorframes was a calming place I'd visited many times before. My head wandered into the clouds as I worked, and I let it drift, settling on dusty corners of my mind and quiet nooks and crevices, clearing out those places as thoroughly as I cleared out the dorm.

I understand Claire so much better now that I understand the people she supports. I knew Changbin, of course, but I'd only ever seen the side of him that was my brother. Despite being his family, I'd been sheltered from the idol world, living in America and listening to music without ever getting into the artists behind them. But Claire was a STAY, and many other things as well; she followed the lives of the groups she loved with something very close to obsessiveness. I had never understood that—why would you get upset over the fact that someone across the world had gotten a new haircut? It seemed trivial.

But I understand it, now, even though I'm still not a die-hard fan like Claire is. There's a connection in it, you see—a sense of safety, of security, in baring your palms and your wrists and saying, you're not alone. Your hands will not grow cold reaching out for someone to hold them. I've seen it in the way that the members talk about their fans, and the way Claire talked about Seungmin's smile and how it always made her day when she saw a new post of him on Instagram. 

That love stretches across the stars.

And each of the members themselves had their own take on STAY, as I was quickly coming to understand. For people like Chan, having STAY was easy, simple; his heart was big enough to fit whatever number was on the vlive screen, or more. He had no problem loving something without a face. Hyunjin and Felix did not; they needed something solid, tangible, to reach for, to assure them that it was real—that the love and support was real. Because they were people who would always feel somewhat unworthy of it, would always question it, so they needed proof. For people like Jisung, STAY was a weight as much as it was a comfort—because with so many people relying on him, how could he not fear messing up and letting them down?

And for Changbin ... sometimes I thought my brother was a STAY himself, for everything he did for the members. Maybe they all were. Maybe I was wrong to think of STAY and Stray Kids as two separate bodies.

It's bizarre, isn't it? Sometimes these people are the only things that get me up in the morning, and I don't even know their names.

She said, okay, yes, I love you, thank you. Thank you for debuting.

It's nice to have a connection like that, so blindly affectionate, so written in the stars. I think I would like to have someone there waiting for me like how STAY is waiting for Stray Kids, and vice versa.

I don't think I understand yet why they all decided to be idols, but maybe I'm starting to.

-

"Yeji, come on!"

I groaned, wishing I could ignore the shouts of the dorm members a few minutes longer.

"You should go," Claire said, a smile in her voice. "Whatever they need you for is clearly important."

"I doubt that," I muttered. "The last time Bin called me out of my room for something, it was to see if the fish he ordered was going to be too fishy."

"Yeji!" Changbin shouted, like he could hear me. "Let's go!"

"Is it about fish?"

"What? No, of course it's not about fish!"

I sighed. "Okay," I said to Claire. "I'll call you ... couple days?"

"Sure," Claire said. "See you soon."

I hung up, watching the screen turn dark. That old, hollow ache slipped back into my chest, the one that was borne from Claire's absence. 

Can you miss someone you just saw a second ago? 

I rubbed at my chest, still looking down at the blank screen. If I stared hard enough, I could still see the faint, fading outline of her freckles from a minute ago, splattered across her face like stars. Guess so.

"Stop being all moony-eyed and get out here, Yeji!" Changbin shouted, banging on the door, and I stood with a sigh.

"Coming." I pushed open the door, trying to glare at him but only managing half of it. "Why did you need me, anyway?"

"We're starting the movie," said Changbin. "It's Friday, remember?"

"Right," I said, mentally going through the list of the members in my head. "So it's ... Hyunjinnie's turn to choose?"

"Yep," he said. "That's why we're watching Spider-man and then Doraemon reruns. Hey, Yeji, wait—don't go back into your room—Yeji—"

He stopped the door with as foot before I could close it, glaring at me. "You're so annoying."

I pointed out, "I'm still less annoying than watching Doreamon."

"Yes, yes, it's your own personal idea of hell, we know that," Changbin snipped. "But it's movie night. We've agreed to suffer through one another's terrible choices for a reason."

I sighed, resting my head against my hand, which was still holding the door. "Which is?"

"Spending time together," he said, brows raised imploringly. "And however terrible Doraemon is, it won't be as bad as Hyunjinnie complaining about favoritism because you watched dramas with me but not his choice."

I considered it. He wasn't lying.

"Fine," I muttered, forcing myself to pull away from the peacefulness of my room and the promise of Claire waiting for me. "One episode."

"That's what you always say," Bin said with a smirk, draping his arm over my shoulders despite not being tall enough. I shoved it off me, rolling my eyes.

"How are little brothers this irritating?"

"Because they learn it all from their older sisters, obviously."