Chapter 13

I don't know if I can sleep well tonight

It was well into the night by the time the door opened.

Jeongin immediately shot up, his head whipping towards the door like a dog seeing a squirrel. Minho looked up from his book, his expression unreadable, but I knew he was relieved. We all were.

Part of me—that small, insecure, childish part of me that had come to life the first time my mother forgot me at the supermarket—had been worrying they would never come back.

So something in my heart eased as Changbin walked through the door, followed by Jisung.

But it started right up again when Chan didn't follow.

"Where's Chan-hyung?" Minho asked, his voice clipped. Jeongin visibly deflated.

"Still at the studio. He's going to catch a ride home in an hour."

I chewed on my lip, my fingers tapping against the side of the couch. Based on what I knew about Chan, how likely was that?

The others' thought process seemed to mirror my own. Not wanting to see them so crestfallen, I quickly stood. "Hey, we made you guys cheesecake!"

Jisung immediately perked up. "Cheesecake?"

"Oh, yeah," said Felix, going over to the kitchen. "It's not done chilling yet, but it'll be fine to eat." He set it on the counter proudly.

Changbin blinked. "Why is it ... blue?"

"That's Yeji's fault," Seungmin muttered.

My jaw dropped. "How was I supposed to know Jeongin would go overboard with the sprinkles?"

"I don't care." Jisung didn't take his eyes off the cheesecake as Felix grabbed plates for serving. "Yeji-noona, I love you."

I laughed, grabbing a knife to cut into it. "Don't thank me—making a cheesecake was Minho's idea."

"Minho-hyung, I love you," said Jisung, and I didn't miss the way Minho's cheeks went dark pink and he cut a slice of cheesecake more aggressively than needed.

"It was a team effort, really," Felix said. "Everyone helped."

"I wouldn't call 'eating all the dough balls when no one was looking' helping," Hyunjin said with a side-eyed glance at Seungmin.

"At least I didn't start crying because I got splattered with a tiny bit of oil," he shot back.

"It could scar!"

Seungmin answered Hyunjin by shoving a piece of cheesecake into his mouth.

I laughed before taking my own slice. "Hey, it's not bad."

"Of course it isn't," Minho said. "We made it."

Jisung tried the cake and groaned. "This tastes so much better than it has any right to."

"Probably because you haven't eaten all day," Changbin muttered, stealing some of my cheesecake. I fought him, but stopped when I heard what he said.

"Seriously? You haven't eaten?"

Jisung shrugged, not meeting my eyes. "We were really busy..."

My eyes narrowed, and I thrust my plate into Changbin's hands. "Not too busy to grab something on the way there. Honestly, you two. You're worse than AP students the week before exams."

Hyunjin whistled, eyebrows shooting up. "I wouldn't take that if I were you, Changbin," Seungmin said.

"Oh, stop trying to instigate chaos," Felix said, though his voice was warm. "It's cake time. We can't fight during cake time."

"We should have more cake time," said Jisung, taking a second piece. "We should have cake time every day."

"Hey, save some for Chan," I cautioned. "If he's anything like you guys, he'll need food when he comes home too."

"He's not," said Changbin.

"Huh?"

"Anything like us."

Hyunjin nodded. "He's worse."

"I can second that," said Jisung, raising his hand. "I also want seconds."

"You already had seconds," Jeongin pointed out.

"My seconds want seconds."

Minho shook his head in exasperation, but gave Jisung another piece all the same. I watched them with a smile: somehow, in the early night, our faces illuminated solely by the lamp in the living room and the light of the fridge, gorging ourselves on blue cheesecake, there was a sort of peace hanging in the air. A quiet serenity, even though the space was filled with the sounds of talking, laughter, and the scrape of spoons on plates. It was the kind of moment you could take a Polaroid of, then hang from your desk wall with string and a thumbtack and look at when you were feeling stressed or sad. I wished these moments—this one and all the ones before I'd made with Stray Kids—could be suspended in time forever.

But after a while the cheesecake was gone—save for two slices for Chan—and the others departed to bed or the couch. Jisung, Changbin, Minho and I eventually became the last ones up, waiting for Chan to come home.

The two slices of cheesecake sat alone on the counter, waiting with us for a leader that had been away for too long.

-

I woke up to the sound of the door creaking.

I looked around groggily; I appeared to be sleeping on the couch for the second night in a row. There was a blanket tucked around my shoulders that I didn't remember putting on. Next to me, Jisung was curled up on one of the armchairs, snoring softly; we were the only ones there.

The door clicked shut, and footsteps sounded in the hallway. Some instinct made me shut my eyes.

"Everyone's asleep," a voice whispered after a second—Minho. He sounded relieved. "Good. We didn't wake them when we left."

When he left? I thought back to when I'd fallen asleep. I remembered waiting with Changbin, Jisung and Minho, and then ... nothing. If Jisung and I drifted off, then Minho and Changbin must have driven back to JYP to drag Chan back to the dorm.

Changbin's voice came next, confirming my suspicions. "Should we go back to the other dorm? We have a car."

"Don't." That was Chan—his voice sleepy and slow. I could hear him rustling around, probably taking off his jacket and shoes. "We shouldn't wake them."

There was a moment of silence, in which I could feel the tension in the room without having to open my eyes. I shifted a little, the edge of the blanket brushing my chin. Then Minho said, his voice heavy, "Hyung—"

"I know." He sounded tired. "I ... I messed up. We'll talk about it, I promise. But not now. Save it for Sunday."

"Sunday, then," Minho said quietly. I wondered, from where I heard his voice, if he was standing next to Jisung.

"You guys go to bed," Chan said. "Binnie, take the spare room, okay?"

"What about you?" Changbin asked. His jacket rustled as he moved.

"I think we both know I won't go to sleep for a while," Chan replied, and I could almost hear the pained smile on his face with those words, the tired expression he made where his eyes crinkled in the corners. That was the face he made when he was trying to make the members feel less guilty about something. I knew that face. I wore it often myself.

"Fine, but come to my room when you're done, okay?" Changbin's voice said wearily. "I don't mind sharing. At least, not with you. Seungmin kicks in his sleep."

Chan let out a hoarse chuckle. "Okay."

"Goodnight, hyung," Minho whispered, followed by the sound of his gentle footsteps down the hallway to his room.

"Minho—thank you." The footsteps paused. "For bringing me back."

Minho didn't answer, but he must have nodded, because then his footsteps resumed.

The weight of a hand pressed on my shoulder—Changbin. He kissed the top of my head, and then he too was gone, following Minho.

It was silent for a minute; if I hadn't known Chan was still there, I would've assumed the room was empty, save for Jisung and me. But then I heard him sigh, a long whoosh of breath, and his footsteps came closer, passing me and stopping by Jisung. I remembered what I'd said earlier about Chan being a dad, tucking his dongsaengs into bed, and in my chest I felt a sharp ache of something that might have been warmth and might have been pain; I couldn't tell the difference.

Either way, Chan left down the hallway too after a minute; unable to help myself, I cracked my eyes open. His laptop was under his arm; he already had it open as he walked into the dance practice room and shut the door behind him. I knew then that he was right.

He wouldn't be resting for a while yet.

-

Sometime in the night, whatever tension between Chan and Minho had been somewhat settled—or at least put off for a later time—because when I woke up again, they were both sitting in the living room, Chan sitting on one of the armchairs and Minho with his legs crossed on the floor, reading. Jisung was half-asleep on the other one, squinting blearily at the ceiling with a yawn.

I stretched, my bones popping and making me wince.

"You good there, Yeji?" said Chan, his brows furrowing.

"Yeah, even Chan-hyung doesn't sound like that in the morning, and he's, like, pushing fifty," Jisung said through a yawn, earning him a look from Chan.

"I've slept on this couch twice in a row now," I pointed out, rubbing my eyes. "Conclusion: not good for me."

"Yeah, well I slept on this chair," Jisung countered, standing to touch his toes.

"You don't count," said Minho. "You once slept for a solid six hours on the table."

"Best sleep of my life," Jisung said solemnly.

"Real," said Chan.

I laughed, getting up. "When can we go back to the other dorm? I'm pretty sure I stink."

"Once the others wake up, probably," said Chan, checking his watch, then realizing he didn't have a watch and pinching the bridge of his nose.

"Don't bet on that, though," Jisung muttered. "Hyunjin sleeps like the dead with Felix."

"We all do," Minho pointed out. "Felix is like a dreamcatcher. You always sleep better with him."

Seungmin entered the room then, looking around. "Is Channie-hyung back yet?" He mumbled.

"Here." Chan opened his arms, and Seungmin flopped down next to him, adorably sleepy.

"Did you like the cheesecake?"

"It was delicious," Chan said, fighting a smile.

"Speaking of, is anyone hungry?" I asked. "I could make breakfast."

"Ooh," said Jisung with a wince. "That's a no for me, thanks. I think I must've eaten something bad last night—I'm feeling kind of off."

"We all had the same thing for dinner, though," I pointed out. "I guess there could've been something in Jeongin's sprinkles ... are you nauseous?"

"Kind of. Also, I keep getting this sharp pain in my stomach, and I keep craving jjajangmyeon..."

"Maybe you're pregnant," Minho said without looking up from his book.

Jisung shot him a glare. "I'm not pregnant."

Changbin and Jeongin chose that moment to walk into the room. "Who's pregnant?" asked Changbin.

"Jisung," said Seungmin.

Jeongin gasped. "Congratulations!"

"I'm not pregnant!" Jisung insisted.

"Woah, don't overexert yourself," Changbin said, touching Jisung's shoulder and guiding him to the couch. "You're with child."

"No I'm not!"

"You're experiencing all the symptoms," Minho pointed out, a smile growing on his face. "Cramps, nausea, cravings, excessive moodiness..."

"Hey!"

"Irrational anger issues..."

"Those were already happening," Changbin said, then ducked as Jisung swatted at him. "Yep, definitely pre-pregnancy occurrences."

"He's probably just iron-deficient," I pointed out, peering up at Jisung. "Are you getting enough vitamins?"

"All of you shut up," Jisung yelled over the chaos of all of us laughing. "I'm not pregnant!"

Hyunjin, who'd just entered with Felix to see what the commotion was, gasped. "You're pregnant? I knew it!"

"No, I'm n—what do you mean, you knew it?"

"You've been eating so much lately," Hyunjin explained. "It's because you're eating for two!"

"I haven't been eating a lot," Jisung said, brows furrowing. "Have I?"

Chan scratched his neck awkwardly. "I mean, I wasn't going to say anything..."

"You did have five slices of cheesecake," Changbin said under his breath.

"No, no, no. All this crazy talk is getting to my head—" Jisung cut off with a wince of pain, pressing a hand to his stomach. "Ouch."

There was the sound of eight people dramatically gasping at once, me included. "It just kicked!" Hyunjin and I said in unison.

Jeongin clasped his hands together. "I'm going to be an uncle!"

"We need to start thinking of names," said Seungmin, delicately covering his hand with his mouth like an old British lady gossiping over tea.

"Ooh, I know," Minho said, putting his book down. "We can call him Dori."

"We're not naming Jisung's child after your cat," I said sternly. "Something proper, like Little Yeji."

"We're not naming it anything!" Jisung shouted.

"How about Little Minho, then?" Minho asked. "I'm sure he'll take right after his uncle."

"God forbid," Chan muttered.

"Or Felix, Jr.," suggested Felix.

"Who said it was a boy?" I countered.

Felix tapped his chin thoughtfully. "Felix...ana? Felixa? Felixette?"

"I like Felixette," said Hyunjin.

Jisung threw up his hands. "You're all crazy. All of you."

"Hey, don't upset the baby," said Changbin.

"There is no baby! There will never be a baby because I'm not pregnant!"

"Well, look at that." Seungmin tsked. "You're already a terrible father."

"I wasn't a father in the first place!"

"Poor Felixette," said Jeongin. "She'll have to be raised by her uncles."

"I'll teach her how to ride a bike," Chan offered.

"I can teach her how to cook," Minho added.

"I'll show her how to paint," Hyunjin put in.

"I'll get her into weightlifting," Changbin said. "Oh, and boxing." He noticed the many stares coming his way. "What? She'll need to defend herself."

"Let's not get ahead of ourselves," cautioned Chan.

"We're already ahead of ourselves!" Jisung yelled. "We're so ahead of ourselves we're eating our own dust!" He threw up his hands. "This is ridiculous. This entire conversation is ridiculous. I'm going to go to my room and probably hurl my guts up into the toilet now, thank you very much."

"Jisung's right, everyone," I said, turning to the others. "He's not pregnant."

Jisung gave me a grateful look. "Thank you."

"I think it's just his time of the month."

Minho snorted into his coffee; Changbin and Felix outright bursted out laughing, while Hyunjin laughed so hard he hit his head on the microwave and went down. Seungmin and Jeongin were on the ground, clutching their stomachs; Chan was pointing at Jisung with tears in his eyes, unable to speak, the room in utter chaos.

Jisung looked around, slightly dumbfounded, utter defeat on his face. "I need an aspirin," he muttered, and left, rubbing his temples.