Chapter 12: James

James woke the next morning in a bed. He could count on one hand how many times he had slept in a bed since the war. It was just too soft. He looked to his side and saw Trixie still laying beside him, breathing gently.

So this is what Steve felt, he mused to himself. That's when it hit him. This is love. Somewhere within him, he is worthy of being loved.

James reached for some paper and wrote it all out. Therapy never worked worth a damn. Telling someone else his innermost thoughts to have them judge him when they never had to walk in his shoes, when they never had to feel the loss of control and the weight of what he did- what Hydra did through him, he corrected himself- and then to pay for their judgement. Journaling, however, was a release and was him getting to reflect on himself. He made a note to call Bruce and thank him. As he put the paper and pen down, he felt Trixie stirring next to him.

"I love you," he whispered to her as she woke up.

"You don't have to say it just because I did," she countered, "but I appreciate the sentiment."

"I knew I loved you since the sandalwood incense," he responded, "I just didn't realize it until this morning."

"I love you too," she responded with a kiss.

Trixie reached out and touched the shoulder closest to her, his metallic arm. He tensed slightly at her touch, but didn't recoil. "This is definitely better than you being married," she teased, mostly to herself. He smiled back, leaning down to kiss her with all he had.

Eventually, they rose for the day. After breakfast, James wanted to take Trixie to the park with the lillies and ducklings. He reached to put on his coat despite the humid Jersey weather.

"You don't have to do that," Trixie reminded him. "There's nothing to hide. You're a good man."

He hesitated, then pulled it on anyway. "I'm not necessarily hiding," he said, "I actually do like the privacy it provides." He pulled his left arm out of the coat. "This screams, "Hi, I'm Bucky!" But now," he continued, putting his arm back into his coat, "I'm just James."

Trixie nodded, silently acknowledging the hassle it would be having constant recognition everywhere. How Dr. Banner, for example, couldn't hide who he is and couldn't go to a ball game without fans- herself included- hassling him. "How well do you know Dr. Banner?"

"Not as well as I would like to," James mused. "He was quiet and mousy for so long, unless he was green and roaring, so I didn't get a chance to know him until recently. And now he's a big star." He paused and waited for more prodding questions. When none came he asked, "Which Avengers do you want to meet?"

"I don't care about that," she answered as she closed the door, "But if Dr. Banner could come talk to my class, that would be amazing."

James guided Trixie to the pathway he enjoyed running. It was a winding blacktop trail through a thickly wooded area. He watched her watching all the birds, naming most of them without hesitation or reference material. She paused at each wildflower and identified every butterfly. James stooped over to a small pocket of white flowers and picked a few, tying them together with a thin stem, and placed it behind her ear.

"Спасибо," she said gazing at him. He lightly kissed her lips and she slid her right hand into his left.

"Wait," he said, starting to pull away, "This one..."

"This one," she countered, holding tighter to him, "Is a part of you. I don't love you minus your prosthetic. I love you."

He stared at her, a mixture of shock and awe across his face. "I didn't think that was possible," he whispered.

"What was possible?" she asked.

"That someone could love me," he said. He gently held her right hand in his left and kissed her nose. Internally, Trixie nodded with agreement.