Chapter 11

1994. 

"Ladies and gentleman, the ham." my mother walked into the dining room with a big silver tray that held a huge ham, it was one of the only traditions she put in effort for. 

"Ah. Wow, it looks lovely.", Mom's boyfriend, Larry, always had something to say to please my mom, even if the ham looked like it had been pulled out of a dumpster, he would still say it looked lovely. 

"Now, who wants to say grace?" she smiled as she looked around at us, Addy sat across from me and Larry at the head of the table, he wasn't my dad so I was never going to address him as one. 

"Oh, Mother, may I?", I felt I needed to say a few words, Larry seemed to agree since he spoke for her. 

"Of course, son. I was hoping you would choose to become a part of this family." he said as I smiled and held my hands out for them to take. 

We all closed our eyes and held hands as I started, 

"Dear God, thank you for this salty pig meat we are about to eat, along with the rest of the indigestible swill. And thank you for our new charade of a family. My father ran away when I was only six. If I'd have known any better, I would have joined him-."

I was stopped when my mother slapped my hand telling me to stop, but I continued, 

"And, also, because she's been trying to get back into this house ever since she lost it, Lord, a big thank you for blinding the asshole that's doing my mother so that he can't see what everybody knows. She doesn't really love him." 

Addy smiled at me, 

"Amen."

My mother lit a cigarette as Larry clapped his hands together on the table and chuckled nervously. 

"Now, uh, Tate, I know that you've had a hard time making this adjustment, with all the recent changes, moving back in here after the tragedy my own family went through." 

I spoke with no hesitation, "They burned themselves alive after you were cheating on your wife with Constance, Lawrence." I emphasized his first name. 

"That...That was nobody's fault. Passion drove her to it. One day, you'll understand. There are sacrifices you have to make in the name of love. On a lighter note, I have reserved tickets for everybody, for Saturday, at our community theatre, for the opening night of Brigadoon. I'm delighted to be debuting in the chorus." 

How could he be so calm about all of this? 

He knew for a fact that what he did was wrong, he cheated on his wife and left their whole family after they killed themselves because of what he did, then he just moves on as if there's nothing to it. 

"Well, I, for one, shall be there with bells on.", Mother lifted her glass to him then took a sip with a weird look on her face. 

"Thank you, darling, for being so supportive and encouraging. You have allowed me to explore another facet of myself." 

"Yay! I love theatre!" 

Addy joined in smiling, I don't think she quite understood the things this man has done to us and our family. 

"Don't, Addy!", banging my hand on the table I looked at her, she looked scared as I stared her down and continued, "You're a smart girl. You know he killed our brother." I yelled at her. 

"Stop it! Beau died in his slumber of natural causes. Now you know he has a respiratory ailment. Your brother's in a better place. He suffered with every breath that he took." my mother wailed, she didn't like my brother being brought up but I had no choice. 

"He only suffered because of you." 

Mother chuckled, "You know, Tate, unlike your siblings, you were graced with so many gifts. How is it that you can't bring yourself to use them? Just a smile, or a kind word, could open the gates to heaven." 

I wiped my nose, I had tears in my eyes because of her. She had caused me so much pain, so much suffering. My life would've been better if I had went with my father, I just know it. 

"No matter how much you want it, I will never be your perfect son." 

She had tears in her eyes too, she was only crying because she knew she fucked me up. She fucked our whole lives up with the way she treated us. 

I backed my chair up and walked away from the table and up to my room. I sat on the edge of my bed and thought about my life if anything would've been different. 

If my dad didn't walk out, if my mom didn't cheat, who she could've ended up with, all my siblings, and I wondered...why couldn't my life be different now, what could I do to make it better or change it in some way? 

All the repressed anger I had inside me was boiling up until I had felt an urge I had never felt before, these intrusive thoughts were burring into my brain and yelling at me to fulfill them. 

***

I sat all night on the edge of that bed, letting my intrusive thoughts get the better of me; until 7AM rolled around and it was time to put my plan in action. 

Completely zoned out, my thoughts had taken over me completely. Next thing I knew, I was crushing up pills and snorting them, cocaine gave me a high I never knew I needed. 

I felt dizzy as I got up but reached under my bed to grab my shotguns and pistols. Emptying the bullets out of each one, I put them all into my shotgun and cocked it until it was ready to be used. 

My mind was blank, only one task was on my mind. The cocaine had made me dizzy and zone out, I got up and the next thing I knew was that I was in the office lobby of my 'fathers' job. 

He was a clerk for this really big company but that didn't affect me, his status meant nothing to me; I walked straight down that corridor with my eyes set on the last cubicle at the end, with Larry sitting at his desk. 

I had my gasoline can in hand as I walked in, pushing open the door and getting halfway to his desk before he realized I was there. 

"Tate, what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be in school?" he asked with a smile, although it faded to confusion once he asked if I should be in school. 

"I'm going right after."  

"After what?" he was confused, once again, I didn't say anything so he began clicking on his machine again and went back to ignoring me. 

It lasted a few seconds before I poured the gasoline all over him. 

He was screaming out in pain since it had gotten in his eye while I lit the match against his desk, he rubbed his eyes and looked at me with his other hand out, as if to tell me not to do it. 

I stayed emotionless as I threw the match onto his body. It caught immediately due to the gasoline and he screamed in pain. 

His screams of pain and torture didn't affect me, I didn't feel anything when I knew he would be gone in the next few minutes. 

________________________________________________________________________________

I was in my room by myself, doodling as I always did; I loved being alone, it was one of the many comforts I had, it gave me time to think about things and not have to talk to anyone or be forced to listen. 

As my music played, a knock came to my door; 

"Maia. I need to talk to you." 

I turned my music off when I heard my dad's voice from the other side of the door. 

"I don't feel well." 

I stood by the door, "Can I come in, please?". 

I opened it to see my dad's guilty looking face standing there, I turned around with attitude and walked back to my bed. 

"Is this about school?" 

"Yes. It's about school." 

"If you're gonna give me a lecture 'cause it's gonna make you feel better..." 

I sat on my bed as he walked towards me with his hands in his pockets. 

"Why would it make me feel better?" my dad sat on my bed across from me, he looked so guilty. 

"'Cause, I know it's really important to you and you're a good dad, so...." 

"Only if I've been a good dad? And I've been a lousy dad lately. I owe you an apology." 

He nodded his head in a serious manner, his voice was a deep rasp, almost as if he was mumbling. 

I nodded as if to say 'go on' and he continued, 

"I can't imagine what this year's been like for you. Moving and starting at a new school, and all the craziness that's happened to us here." 

He chuckled and looked down, "Hey, remember last year when you and Violet announced you were going to Harvard?" 

"Yeah, we only said that to make you proud. " 

"I knew that." he said and looked down and swallowed, "I also knew that you were smart, and you can go anywhere you want for college." 

He scooted closer to me and grabbed my hand, "Come on, Maia. What are you doing? This isn't like you." 

I thought back on the school, the library where Tate killed those people, the cafeteria where Violet fought a group of girls, I don't want to relive that everyday. I can't. 

"I can't go back there, Dad." 

"Okay. Okay, honey, okay. We'll find you another school." 

"I can't leave Violet though, Dad." I held onto his hand as my body shook with nerves. 

"Violet doesn't want to stay there either, we will find both of you girls a new school." 

"Okay." 

"You have to meet me in the middle though, you need to start going tomorrow or else we'll end up in juvenile court." he said as hugged, I wasn't ready. 

Tomorrow?

He then got up and walked out of my room, I was not ready at all for tomorrow. 

***

I stood in front of my mirror that morning after I had picked out my outfit for my first day of school, some sweatpants and a hoodie. 

I didn't need to impress anyone and I was comfortable so why bother dressing up. 

After I was satisfied with the way I looked, I made my way down the stairs with my bag to then head out the door for school. 

As I stepped off the last step, someone grabbed me and covered my mouth, I screamed so loudly and tried to fight back as the person pulled me into the corner of the hallway and put me against the wall. 

"Shh, shh. Shh! Just listen to me. Listen. Don't be mad. I love you. Spend the day with me. We can play Scrabble, if you want. I'll even let you win." 

Tate uncovered my mouth as I let out a breath I didn't know I had been holding, 

"I can't. I promised my dad." 

"So, go tomorrow. It's not like they're gonna miss you for one more day." 

I hesitated but he leaned in to kiss me, and I accepted. 

I didn't want to miss school because I didn't want my parents to go to court but I really missed hanging out with him. 

I figured missing one more day couldn't hurt, and then I'll never miss another day again, even if I'm sick, I'll force myself to go so that I don't miss anymore days.

He pulled away after a few seconds and pleaded with me, "Come on, Maia." he whispered to me, it was quite seductive if I'm being honest. 

I sighed and leaned my head back against the wall as he smiled, I really didn't want to get in more trouble for missing yet another day of school. 

But I agreed. 

This is my fault. 

***

Violet had actually gone to school from what I knew so Tate and I stayed in the attic and played chess. It didn't last long until I got bored though, maybe after a few rounds I'd say. 

Tate had left a while ago, however, he came back not long after I look his rook, 

"Where have you been? I just took your rook. Checkmate in 13 moves." 

He stood up but he looked sad, his head was hanging and his facial expression was cold and emotionless, 

"What's wrong?" 

"He wants to separate us." 

Was all he said as his head hung low, I was so confused, "He's gonna send you and Violet away." 

"What are you talking about?" 

"I just heard him talking on the phone with a boarding school, asking about financial packages." 

I gasped lightly, there was no way he'd stoop that low as to send us away, we didn't do anything and he had already spoken to us about going to school so what's the issue? 

Images flashed through my brain of everything I'd have to do, how different my life would be. But it makes sense, he sent Mom away and now he was sending us away, what was his issue? 

People don't come back different after you send them away unless they get really well treated, but we don't need treatment, so what was the point? 

"Makes sense, though. He sent Mom away. I don't know why I thought we were safe. I just assumed we were his little girls and he'd never want us to leave. What a fantasy. I'm so stupid and naive sometimes. Of course he's gonna send us away too." 

I sighed as Tate sat down next to me and held my hand, 

"There's nothing stupid about you, my beautiful girl. And I won't let him send you away." 

He had a dried tear that had run down his face, he had seemed to be crying lots before he came up here. 

I really didn't want to leave, having to sleep somewhere else, away from my parents, with no friends other than my sister, for almost a year and a half. 

No, thank you. 

I was content where I was, I loved my house, I loved my bed, I loved this place; I'm not moving to some boarding school where all the students are preppy low lives who feed off picking at people they consider lower than them. 

Tate kissed me and went down the stairs to do whatever he was going to do to "not let my dad send me away", whatever that means. 

I just hope he doesn't hurt him in any way. 

*** 

20 minutes passed and I was starting to get worried, what if he did hurt my dad, or worse. I paced around the empty attic waiting for him. 

I turned when I heard rustling from the ladder, I turned with my arms crossed as it had almost been a half hour that he had been gone, 

"It's been almost 30 minutes, Tate. What did you do to him?" 

He stood up and walked towards me, 

"I just convinced him to leave us alone for an hour or so." I wasn't buying that. He was greatly out of breath as he circled me. 

"Tate, what did you do to him?" 

I yelled as he circled in front of me, I knew what he was capable of and it scared me. 

"I didn't do anything bad! Just scared him a little. He'll be fine. But we're running out of time." 

He came closer to my face, I started to get uncomfortable, I didn't want to be around him anymore. 

"You're being weird. Time for what?" 

"I figured out how to keep them from sending you away." 

"You mean, run away?" 

"Kind of. Yeah." he put his hands around my waist and pulled me close until my body was pressed up against his and we were face to face, "I love you, Maia, and I want you to be happy and free. If we take these, we can stay here. We can play with Beauregard. We can play games, watch videos. We can be together forever." 

He held out a bag with a bottle of pills in his hands, 

"You want us to commit suicide?"

I didn't want to die, even if that meant I'll never see him again. 

He nodded. 

"Yeah. And I don't think there's enough in here to really, you know... So I think if we use these..." 

He pulled out one of Violet's blades. My head was spinning so bad I thought I was gonna pass out. 

"Where'd you get those pills?" 

"Your dad has a lot of samples." 

"Did you hurt my dad?" 

"No, I told you! I just knocked him out so I could buy us some time. Listen to me, Maia. We can't get all chickenshit about this. We're running out of options!" 

Yes, I loved Tate with my whole heart but my life was at risk, there were so many things I wanted to do, so many things to see. 

I wanted to get married, have kids, grow old and watch them grow up, if I went along with Tate, all I'd have is him and the growing old and actually living part of it; would never be a possibility. 

"Uh, okay. I get where you're coming from but I'm not sure I want to go this way." 

He then grabbed my face and kissed me, he kissed me long and hard before pulling away and mumbling to me. 

"We can be like Romeo and Juliet. Plus, I know how to do it so that it won't hurt." 

"Tate, no. I don't want to, please." 

I was begging him but he seemed to be set on doing this. I really didn't want to die and I think he was being delusional with the fact that we'd be together forever. I wasn't doing this. 

"Maia, it's the only way we can be together." 

"No, Tate. I want to live." 

"Please, do it for me. If you love me, you'll do this." 

That, to me, was a huge red flag. 

The manipulation, all this time I thought he was nice and sweet but this was a whole other level. 

I played it safe so I wouldn't get hurt. 

"Okay. Can we do it in the bathtub." 

"Why? We don't have much time." 

"'Cause, it's warm and dark and I can light some candles." 

"Okay, but we have to go now." 

"I'll..I'll go run the bath." 

I walked past him and down the ladder, I saw him smiling as I went down. 

He was crazy, I wasn't going to kill myself just 'cause I loved him, no guy is ever worth your life. 

I got to the bottom and took a few steps before running down the hallway screaming, 

"Help! Dad, help me! He's trying to kill me! Help!" 

I heard Tate scream from the attic, "Maia, no!" and then footsteps. 

I was done for. 

He was gonna kill me. 

I ran down the stairs screaming for my dad, 

"Help! Dad!"

I was panicking and the adrenaline rushed through me when I saw Tate run down the stairs after me. 

I ran outside, onto the porch and down to the gate still screaming for help, people were waling on the opposite sidewalk but nobody seemed to hear me. 

"Help! Please, help me!"

I opened the gate and ran out onto the road, I ran out farther but then ran right into my kitchen. 

Wait, I was just outside. What the fuck, how did I get here?  

Tate slowly crept towards me from the other end of the island, I was sobbing I didn't know what to do, 

"What's happening? What did you do to me?" 

"You have to stop. Let's just do what we said we would." 

He held his hand out for me to take but I kept backing up into the kitchen, there was no way I was going with him. 

"Dad, where are you? Help me!" 

I screamed for him again but to no avail, nobody was here to help. 

I ran out into the hallway and out the front door, but somehow when I exited I entered right back in through the back door. 

What the fuck is going on?

I ran through the hallways to the front door and ran out again, but I came back in through the back door once again, it was as if I couldn't leave the house. 

I tried one more time to run out the front door but once again I came back in from the back door, I sobbed as my head spun and Tate stepped in front of me. 

"Please, Tate, please. I don't want to die." 

I begged him, his look softened when I said the last part but his demeanour was still cold and stubborn. 

"It's too late for that." was all he said with his cold brown eyes staring straight at me. 

I crouched down in the corner holding my head as I sobbed and hyperventilated, Tate waited a couple seconds before crouching down in front of me and speaking to me in a low voice. 

"Maia, listen to me." 

I sobbed into my knees, "Why am I running around like a crazy person? Did you drug me?" 

"I'm not gonna hurt you, baby. I have to show you something. And then you're free to go wherever you want. I promise I won't stop you, sweetheart." 

He stood up and looked down at me as he held out his hand, "You have to trust me." 

Even though I didn't trust him at all at the moment, there was still a sense of comfort I felt when I was around him, as if he really could do me no harm. 

I took his hand and he guided me a bit towards the door to the basement which was facing where we were. 

He opened the door and I followed behind, holding his hand. 

We got to the bottom and walked to the side under the stairs where Tate pulled the overhead light to reveal a small room with a large wooden door in the wall. 

He opened it and I peered inside, it looked absolutely disgusting, 

"I feel weird." 

I stated as he pulled the door all the way open and put it against the wall, 

"Like I'm losing it." 

He turned towards me but completely ignored me, putting a small crate on the ground to be able to climb into the hole in the wall. 

He turned on the flashlight as he sat on his knees inside it, I moved and he put his hand out for me to take. 

I took it and we both climbed into the hole and Tate moved in front of me holding the flashlight, 

"Come on." 

He started crawling down the tunnel, I followed looking at all the gross things I was putting my hands and knees in. 

Tate turned and shined the flashlight on me to make sure I was okay as we reached the end, I screamed when I saw a dead rat on the ground with its organs all out on display. 

I hit my hand on the ground in frustration, I was pissed off at myself for agreeing to this and I felt uncomfortable being in this small, dirty space with a murder. 

He's probably gonna murder me, why did I agree to this? 

"It's so disgusting down here." 

I cried out as Tate jumped off a ledge to the left of me, I followed and he held his arms out for me like a father holding them out for his child. 

"Okay, come on, my love." 

He put his hands under my armpits and helped me down the large ledge, he stood in front of me and mumbled to me with the same cold stare as before.

"Close your eyes. And remember everything's gonna be okay. I love you." 

He held my hand behind his back as he walked in front of me, leading me towards whatever he was planning on showing me. 

He stopped after a few steps and I stood beside him holding his hand. 

"Open your eyes."

I opened them and it took a second for my eyes to adjust. 

My dead body was laying below me, flies buzzing around it, my eyes rolled to the back of my head, mouth wide open, pale as a ghost. 

I sobbed loudly and uncontrollably, what the fuck. 

"What? No!" 

Tate had tears in his eyes as he watched me break down. 

"Don't you die on me!" 

"Maia!" 

It took me a second to realize....

I had died. 

"I died when I took all those pills." 

I ran a hand through my hair, I couldn't believe this was real.

"I tried to save you, baby. I did. I tried to make you throw them up. You threw up some, not enough." 

He sobbed, "You took so many, Maia."

I wailed, this couldn't be happening. 

I was dead. 

"You died crying. I held you. You were safe. You died loved." 

I took a step back, I didn't want to look at my dead body anymore, all the flies eating it from the inside out. 

I didn't feel anything, it was as if my whole body was asleep, the feeling you get in your foot when it falls asleep, but throughout my whole body. 

"I hardly feel anything." 

I backed up more and turned around with my hands on my neck, I leaned against the wall and balled. 

I couldn't breathe, it was like my airways were blocked; I couldn't see because my vision was blurry and I felt numb.  

"I didn't want you to find out this way, Maia. You or your parents." 

He came towards me and sobbed, there were tears falling down onto his shirt, 

"I had this idea that if you chose to die, with me, you wouldn't be so sad. I never wanted you to see this. I'm so sorry, Maia." 

He took a step forward and hugged me. 

That was the most comfort I had felt since two minutes ago when I found out I was dead. I could feel him crying into my hair, 

"I'm so sorry, my beautiful girl. I love you so much." 

He rubbed my back as I cried, I had to come to terms with the fact that I was dead. 

I would never get married, never have kids, never grow old, never get to see them grow up either, never travel the world. 

There was no possibility of any of that happening because I had killed myself. 

And when you kill yourself, you live with the consequences of never doing anything ever.

Never living life as you should, because you're not living. 

***

We sat on the ground by my bed listening to soft music, I was rethinking everything and trying to come to terms with everything that had happened. 

Tate was patiently listening to me and helping me understand the new reality that I was facing. 

"So, all this time, I thought I was protecting you. But you were protecting me." I sat across from him playing with my fingers, I had been aimlessly wandering around my room until I decided to be face to face with him. 

"That's all I ever wanted to do, since I first saw you." 

"So why'd you keep it a secret?" 

"Hi. I'm Tate. I'm dead. Wanna hook up? I don't think so." 

He chuckled and continued shuffling the deck of cards in his hands.  

"I still don't remember dying." I looked up at him, "Do you?" 

"Nope." he smiled at me. 

"What happens now?" 

He put a stack of cards in front of me, 

"You draw a card, and then discard." he chuckled and looked back down at the stack of cards. 

"No, I mean, like, how's it going to be?" 

"Just like this. Like it's always been." 

He looked back up at me, "It's you and me. Together for always." 

I didn't say anything, I didn't know what to say. 

My blank stare said it all, I grabbed the deck of card that were now on the ground and grabbed a few to look through; he did the same as we played for a while. 

I know I'm dead but things won't ever change. 

That's the sad thing, things won't change, change doesn't exist anymore. 

Not physically at least, mentally it won't really affect me much but I was just scared of getting bored and then not knowing what to do with myself. 

How am I supposed to live forever? 

I don't want to live forever, 'cause what's the point.