Chapter 2

September 2011.

Violet and I had just gotten to school, it looked normal. Normal school, groups of girls, groups of guys, people making out on benches, people smoking weed in the corners.

Normal.

Violet was nervous, she didn't look nervous, but she had told me before we left that she was and that she was going to smoke on the way; which she was still doing as we entered.

We were walking in silence, listening and looking around at people. We walked by a group of three girls and, oh boy I wish we didn't.

"So I let him."

"Do coke off your nipples?" fucking weirdos.

As we passed them, I made eye contact with one of them, I looked down quickly but she then yelled "Hey!" and came towards us.

She came up in front of Violet and I, blocking our path, "Student council passed a rule against smoking in public places." the first girl said in an aggressive tone.

"Second hand smoke kills." the girl beside her added on.

"She didn't know. We're new." I spoke up for her.

"Yeah, sorry." Violet said as she threw her cigarette on the ground.

"What the hell is wrong with you!" she shrieked, picking up Violet's cigarette, "People sit here. They eat here."

"You don't know me. Why are you doing this?" Vi asked in a calm tone.

The second girl didn't even hesitate to answer, "Leah's grandma died of lung cancer. She takes this stuff pretty seriously."

"Eat it. Eat it or I'm gonna kick the shit out of you." the bitch said, oh no, absolutely not.

"You won't do shit. And no, she won't eat it. You could've let her off with a warning and not been such a bitch about it." she shut up then looked me up and down. I didn't care though, she can hate if she wants, I can fight.

The girls behind her were telling her it's enough but then the bitch grabbed my sister and tried to shove the cigarette in her mouth.

I was not having this.

I pulled her off of Violet and punched her in the face and with the punch she fell back and screamed. Violet spit on her while we took this chance to run away, I didn't know where; but far from them.

***

We got home from school that day and laid in our rooms. I was listening to music when I heard a scream from down the hall; I turned my music off and ran to the door, Violet meeting me at hers with a confused look.

We ran down the hall and saw a ladder and heard two people talking, we gave each other a look and I climbed up first. I got to the top and saw my dad hugging my mom from behind while looking at some weird statue in a latex body suit.

"What happened?" Violet asked as she came up beside me.

"Holy shit." I said as I looked at the suit, it's probably a sex toy.

"Okay," my mom patted my dad's chest, "let's get rid of it." she said as she walked around him and encouraged us to come downstairs, I looked at my dad who was staring at the suit.

I thought he was just thinking of "things" so I let him be and went downstairs with my mom and sister.

"Want to help me unpack?" my mom said as she walked into the kitchen past a pile of boxes.

"Sure, but is Dad coming down?"

"He should be down, he has a session so you might not see him for a bit, honey." she said as she unpacked some cups and put them in the cupboard.

Violet sat on a barstool at the island while I helped Mom put everything away. We still needed groceries but I guess we'd order in tonight or something.

We finished in about 35 minutes, there were a lot of boxes; but there were a few full of my dad's books, some files and papers that had been stored in the boxes for work that he'd eventually put in his office.

"Mom, these are Dad's boxes." 

I pointed to them, she looked over from the fridge then down at her watch.

"Uh, you should be good to go in and give it to him." 

She smiled, I nodded and picked up one box full of files and walked toward his office.

I knocked then used my free hand to open the door, juggling the box in my other arm. I entered and my dad looked shocked, I put the box down and looked over to see a boy wearing a green striped knitted long sleeve sitting on the couch across from him. 

"Oh, I'm sorry. Mom said it was okay to bring these to you but I can come back." 

I said slightly embarrassed. The boy was staring at me intently, very intently. I had to admit he was good looking so that made me nervous. 

"No, it's okay." he looked down at his watch, 

"Our session was just ending so your mom was right." 

So, I bent down and picked up the box that I had dropped near my feet and brought it to him. 

"This one is just files, the other two are books and papers, I think." I

 I put the box in front of him, the boy was still staring at me, his mouth tightly shut. 

A look of lust and want was written across his face.

"Okay, bring the other two in, please. Tate, our session is over for today." he said to the boy, but he didn't say anything back, just sat there looking at me. 

I went out to grab the two other boxes and brought them in. The boy didn't move, he sat silently on the couch.

My dad thanked me then asked me to escort the boy to the door. I agreed and motioned for him to follow me, he got up slowly and followed me out of the office.

"You live here?" he asked as we walked down the hallway.

"Yeah. Just moved in." he kept saying random things as we walked to the door. I opened it and he thanked me, then walked out. How strange.

________________________________________________________________________________

"So, Tate, these fantasies started two years ago? Three years ago? When?" I sat on the couch opposite the doctor. 

"Two years ago. It's always the same. It starts the same way." 

I played with the hole in my jean, tapping my kneecap rapidly. 

"How? Tell me." the psychiatrist, Dr. Harmon, was curious. He seemed trustworthy enough. 

"I prepare for the noble war." I stared at him as whistling played in my head, it seemed someone was doing it in my ear but, it was my imagination....so they say. 

"I'm calm, I know the secret. I know what's coming, and I know no one can stop me, including myself." 

"Do you target people who have been mean to you or unkind?" 

"I kill people I like." 

The whistling grew louder in my ears, I felt dizzy. 

Flashbacks of walking into the class with that rifle, ready to target anything or anyone. 

"Some of them beg for their life. I don't feel sad. I don't feel anything. It's a filthy world we live in. It's a filthy goddamn, helpless world. And, honestly, I feel like I'm helping to take them away from the shit and the piss and the vomit that run in the streets. I'm helping to take them somewhere clean and kind." 

He listened intently as I confessed, "There's something about all that blood, man. I drown in it. The Indians believed that blood holds all the bad spirits. Once a month in ceremonies, they would cut themselves to let the spirits go free. There's something smart about that. Very smart. I like that." 

I looked up at him since I had been staring at his shoes as I told the story. Looking up, I saw a version of myself standing behind him, blood dripping down his face. Now, I knew that wasn't me; but a version of me who didn't know what the benefits were, a version of me who had no control, a version of me who didn't want to get better. 

I looked back down as I finished, "You think I'm crazy?" 

Dr. Harmon looked around and shook his head before answering, "No. I think you're creative. And I think you have a lot of pain you're not dealing with." 

"My mothers probably worried about me, right?" 

"I'm sure she is." 

"She's a cocksucker. I mean, literally a cocksucker. She used to suck the guy off next door all the time. My dad found out, and he left. He left me alone with a cocksucker. Can you imagine? How sick is that?" I chuckled, it didn't change how I felt but at least he knew. 

"I've heard worse." 

Invalidating me, huh. 

"Cool. Can you tell me some? I like stories." I leaned forward, I wanted the subject to change and I did like stories, so win-win. 

"No, I can't." 

Just as he said that, the door opened and a girl walked in, a beautiful girl. The room lit up as she entered, illuminating the darkness. 

It was her. 

She looked at me for a slight second and then looked back to Dr. Harmon, I could tell she was embarrassed, it was cute.  

"Oh, I'm sorry. Mom said it was okay to bring these to you but I can come back..." she was holding a box, her shirt lifted up a bit from the way she was holding the box, it looked a bit heavy, she kept boosting it higher in her arms... 

"No, it's okay. Our session was just ending so your mom was right." she nodded and walked over to him, showing him what was inside the box. 

"This one is just files, the other two are books and papers, I think." she said as she put the box in front of him. I was staring at her, her ass was perfect as she bent down and her shirt was risen a bit, her tits were slightly out due to her bending over. 

God, the things I would do for this girl. 

"Okay, bring the other two in, please. Tate, our session is over for today." she exited the room as he said that, bringing in two other boxes which seemed to be lighter. 

She dropped them on the ground near his desk and then turned around to look at him. She spoke to her dad as I stared at her, she was perfect. 

Her hair was messy, her tits were visible with the shirt she was wearing and her thighs were so sexy. 

I was snapped out of my thoughts as Dr. Harmon told her to escort me out, I got up and followed hesitantly, trying not to stare at her ass as we walked.

We got to the front door as I said my first words to her, "You live here?" I said as she reached for the knob. 

"Yeah, just moved in." she replied, her voice was so smooth but raspy at the same time. I kept trying to talk to her but the words just wouldn't form. She opened the door and I smiled as I walked out; going back to the basement. 

I had never met anyone like her.

She was beautiful. Not like anyone else I had seen over my years of being here.

I found myself being drawn to her, like a magnetic force was pulling me towards her.

I wanted her and only her. 

She is mine and nobody else's. 

________________________________________________________________________________

That night, I was in my room overthinking as I normally do; I was feeling quite anxious about going to school, knowing those girls were probably after us.

I went to the bathroom and started scratching myself, not the scratch when you're itchy, the type of scratch where you scratch hard until you make yourself bleed.

My bad habit when I'm anxious; scratching myself till I bleed and ripping off my nails. I can say, it's better than cutting myself.

I was subconsciously picking at my nails while pacing in the bathroom, my anxiety was so bad that I needed to take pills for it and sometimes they go imbalance.

I was ripping and scratching at myself while pacing when I saw someone standing at the doorway of the bathroom.

"You're doing it wrong." the blonde boy from earlier said, "If you're trying to kill yourself, file them till they're sharp then scratch vertically. They can't stitch that up." I turned around to look at him.

"How'd you get in here?" I exhaled sharply.

"If you're trying to kill yourself, you might also try locking the door." he said as he grabbed the knob and closed it.

what the fuck. 

________________________________________________________________________________

I was laying on the couch in Dr. Harmon's office, playing with my fingers. 

"Mind if I tape this?" he asked holding up a tape recorder. 

"No." 

"You taking your medications?" 

"Yes." 

"Any side effects?" 

"I was taking them at night but they kept me up." 

"What'd you do?" 

"Started taking them in the morning."

"Light sensitivity is pretty common." 

"Maybe. Yeah, I think so." I looked up in a daze. 

"When I was in medical school they brought in this C.I.A Interrogator to help us identify who was lying. This guy was like 6'5, crew cut. Must of been a hell of an interrogator because I tell you somethin', I'd be terrified to lie to him." 

I sat up on the couch, I had been laying on my back with my head on the arm. I stood up and looked down at him, "You think I'm lying to you?" 

"Light sensitivity isn't a side effect of Lexapro, Tate." 

I walked back and sat on a chair in the corner of the room, "So you lied to me?" 

"What is important, that is, if you're telling the truth about doing these things to your classmates, if you're actually a danger to society, the law says that I have to report you to the police." 

"Did you call them?" 

"Not yet." he lowered his head to the side and then got up from his chair, "I've treated some psychotics before and people with the right combination of chemical imbalance and psychological damage that can't be reached."

He stood in front of me, looking down, "You think that's me? You think I can't get better?" 

He scoffed, "You? Are you kidding me? You're hopeless." he chuckled. 

I laughed, knowing he was being sarcastic, or maybe he wasn't and I can be this way forever. 

"Everyone can get better, Tate. Everybody. I just think you're scared. Of what, I'm not sure yet. Maybe rejection, certainly because of what your father did to you." 

"I was afraid my big dick wouldn't work." 

He chuckled and looked at me with a smile.

"What?" he tilted his head.

"Yeah, that's why I didn't take the meds. I was afraid my dick wouldn't work. Because I met someone." 

He sat me down on the couch and he sat back down in his chair, as I thought of her...

~

"This was I did after my dad left. I was 10, I think." 

I showed him the scars on my arm from when I would scratch myself so hard they would rip all the skin off. 

"Westfield, right? The worst. I got thrown out of there." 

"It's not bad when you know how to handle yourself, but I hate it here." she said, her beautiful eyes looking around the room, "The East Coast was much cooler in my opinion, at least they had weather." 

"I love it when the leaves change."  

"Yeah, me too." she was excited, I could tell. 

I got up from my spot on the floor, "Why'd you move here?" I walked around looking at her chalkboard and the books on her shelves. 

"My dad had an affair. My mom literally caught him in the act. She was young, younger than my mom." 

"That's horrible. If you love someone you should never hurt them. Never." I pitied her, she didn't deserve this life. 

"Right, I know." she agreed with me, "And the worst part is, six months earlier, my mom had this, like, brutal miscarriage. The baby was seven months old, and we had to have this macabre funeral. Have you ever seen a baby coffin?"

I was writing on her chalkboard, when she finished I walked over and sat in front of her, grabbing her hands. She was so beautiful, sexy. She didn't deserve this life, I pitied her but I knew how she felt. 

"I'm sorry." I rubbed my fingers on her knuckles; but she just stared at me and got up to get on her bed. 

"Why are you seeing my dad?" she said as she slid onto her stomach. 

"Don't ask questions you already know the answer to. You're smarter than that."  I looked up at her. I didn't mean to sound harsh, but she should know. 

She chuckled, her beautiful smile sending chills down my spine, "Wanna listen to Morissey?" she took out her music player to change the song, "He's cool, I don't really know much about him but my sister got me obsessed with his music." 

"Got any Kurt Cobain on that thing?" she smiled again and went to look on her...whatever it was. 

I turned my head suddenly when I heard Dr. Harmon speak, "What are you doing in here?" he was leaning against the doorframe with an intimidating stance. 

"We're just listening to music, Dad." she spoke up, God, I love her voice so much. 

"You need to leave, Tate. I'm sorry. You shouldn't be in here, I think you know that. Please." he held his arm out to escort me out. 

I got up from the floor and walked over to him, staring at his face, "What's that thing you think I'm afraid of? Fear of rejection?" 

He opened his mouth to say something but I walked out before he got it out. I ran down the stairs, tears in my eyes. 

He ruined a perfectly good moment with her. I wanted her, she was the only thing that brought me light in this dark world, I felt comfortable with her. Safe. 

I wanted every inch of her, her body, her perfect face. Everything. 

I will keep coming back until she's mine, because I need her. 

She's all I have.