// C H A P T E R F I F T E E N //

Somehow I didn't need to hold on for my life, as others did. I didn't need to scream, I didn't need to cry. I just...sat there. I awaited my death, which was indeed promised to me at that moment, and from the very day I was born...it made no sense why those around me did those things, as it surely was promised to them, too.

The sound of a constant buzzing was repetetive. It was one of the many sounds of the explosion in which the airplane I sat on to get back home had just created. I could feel myself falling out of the sky. I was dying. The bits and the pieces of the plane's build crushed me, and all those around me.

I didn't know what would become of me after the promised death, only that the eternal life in which humanity wished and hoped for would not be granted. For no one could defeat death, because when he came, he conquered all. He was a promise, not a threat...but we often take him as a threat...

Maybe he wasn't a he. Maybe he was a she...who could know? All of those thoughts went through my head as I ached the pain of the impact. Everything went black, and I sprung up out of bed with an instant.

I looked around me, I was in my bedroom. I could still hear the buzzing, why? Where is it? I was dreaming...or am I awake within another dream? I held my hands out, staring at my fingers as they shook on their own.

I sighed, almost crying, but no tears would come out...I cried, in a double sense. Why was it a dream? Why couldn't I really die?

What did I live for, who did I live for?

But why did I want to die? Why couldn't I overcome the feelings of longing to end it all? I wanted to be well. I wanted to be...sane...

I then realized my phone was the foundation of the buzzing sound which assisted my dream and doubtfulness of awakening from that dream. I searched for it under my blankets, then looked it out as I fought for my arm back in the twist of them all.

Matty was calling.

My heart skipped several beats in my chest. I couldn't believe he was calling, why? He didn't care earlier, why would he care now? Did he forget to say something else sassy to me? The night hadn't even ended yet, and I still wanted to jump off a bridge. I felt at ease, when I could shut my eyes, and imagine myself falling to my own death. I began to feel crazy. I knew that I wasn't...but maybe that was the first step, the denial...

I was alone.

I was alone in a world full of people who seemed not to be. Alone in a world in which it only felt like I was alone. I looked at my phone as it notified me for a voicemail from Matty. I went to it and swiped it, deleting it right away.

Could he leave me alone.

I fell back onto my pillow and pulled the blankets over my head, trying my best not to cry anymore...my eyes burned.

It buzzed again. Matty.

I sighed and sat up, grabbing the phone.

"What do you want?" I answered it.

"Look I wanted to tell you I'm sorry, okay?" He said, I could tell he was smoking a cigarette.

"For what? You were right, I think nothing of myself so why should you think anything of me. It's whatever goodb--"

"I want to talk to you. I'm in front of your house. Come outside."

"What? Now? No." I shook my head, it was two o'clock in the morning.

"Come on, seriously I'm tired of you doing this--"

"Doing what?!"

"Hiding away, why can't we just talk it out? Okay George told me what happened."

Great.

I hung up the phone, getting up and grabbing my babydoll dress and slipping it on, then throwing my hair into a ponytail. I wasn't necessarily trying to look good for him. I just couldn't bare to look bad in front of him again. I grabbed my oversized cardigan and put it on, then slipped my phone into my pockets.

I opened the door slowly, cursing the squeaks as they made sound. Then went downstairs and out the door.

I saw him with his hand hanging out of the window holding a cigarette. He tossed the tiny bit as he saw me coming. Hey that's my lawn you asshole. I rolled my eyes, every single thing about him ticked me off because I was so upset. I got into the car and shut the door.

"Talk." I looked straight ahead.

"Look why are you mad at me?"

"I'm not."

"Then who are you mad at? George?"

I shrugged.

"What the fuck." He looked at me, "when you're ready to talk, let me know." He turned on the radio and flipped through the stations. The same song ended up playing on the same station, Hello It's Me. He looked at me, I pretended not to give a damn.

He kept it there, turning it up all the way. I knew it was his way of getting me to speak.

"Matty turn that down you'll wake the entire neighborhood.

He ignored me.

"Matty!"

I could see a smirk on his face. I reached over to the knob to turn it down, he pushed my hands away. "Matty seriously! If my dad wakes up and sees us--"

Suddenly ahead of us came a big bright light. We both stopped what we were doing to figure out who it could be.

"Oh shit...policeman." Matty sighed, turning the music down.

The person stopped in front of the car, and held the flashlight to the window, damnit. My dad knew every cop in our area...they'd been working so long.

He turned the brightness down, "what are you two doing?"

"Minding our own business." Matty said in a snappy tone.

I looked out of my window to avoid being recognized, "sorry officer, we'll turn it down." I said.

"Look at me." He said.

I turned around slowly, facing him.

"Katie?" It was my dad's favorite officer. I sighed and slumped down in my seat.

"You kids need to keep it down, or I'll be forced to give you a ticket." He glared at smart mouthed-Matty.

Matty rolled his eyes.

"And get a room, Katie does Dave know you're out here?" He asked.

My jaw dropped as I looked at him with frustration, "I'm eighteen."

"Well...just asking." He said, "you two have a good night, stay out of trouble." He walked away, pointing his flashlight in the opposite direction.

Matty laughed, I looked at him, hopeless.

"It's not funny." I tried to hold back a smile, it really wasn't funny.

"Alright. Fine, it wasn't funny." He finished laughing and sat up in his seat as I did the same. "Well...are you going to act like this forever?" He asked.

I shrugged again, I longed for the words to say...but they wouldn't come out. "I'm not good at this."

"Neither am I. You're just someone I don't want to let go of... not now, I feel like I was meant to know you. Like we were meant to meet each other. That's why I keep trying to get you to understand just how much I want to be around you but you keep pushing me away. I don't know what's going on with you and George, but why does that have to affect me and you? I can't understand."

"Nothing is going on with me and George." I assured him, looking out of the window and into the darkened streets.

"Well it seems like it, you're mad that he was with another woman--"

"And he's mad that I was with you."

"That's not what he said,"

"Well that's the truth." I looked back at Matty.

He sighed and placed his hands on the wheel, "so what, we shouldn't be together or something?"

"How should I know, ask George."

"I'm sure that's not the case." Matty said, I didn't argue. He knew the guy better than I did.

There was a brief silence between us.

"Look. I don't feel like driving back home tonight. Could I stay?"

I looked at him, wide-eyed, "no," I blurted out, "I mean...my dad. He'll freak out."

"I'll be out before he wakes up. I can't get on the road this time of night, I wear glasses and I can't see. I'm actually half blind in a way...or not in a way, I am. You wouldn't want anything to happen to me, would you? Or do you not care?" Matty convinced me.

He was a manipulating person. I didn't know if I liked it or if I found it attractive. I rolled my eyes, "I wouldn't want anything to happen to you, come on...but you have to be quiet. Seriously."

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Matty stood by my bedroom door as he'd came in for the first time. He looked around, almost as if he were on another planet...or had never seen a girl's bedroom before. He shut the door behind him as quietly as he could. I was embarrassed at the squeak. He took his jacket off and set it beside a pile of mine on a chair. I grabbed a t-shirt and leggings, then looked at the door. There was no way I could go back out and leave Matty in. I was afraid of my dad waking up.

"Close your eyes." I demanded.

He was already laying on my bed, "alright." He turned the other way.

I changed as quickly as I could, somehow I felt like he was looking at me, but when I peeked into his direction, his eyes were shut...and he almost looked asleep.

I hesitated before getting into my own bed...because he was in it.

"Are you done?" He mumbled, eyes still shut.

"Yes." I said softly, trying to keep my voice quiet.

He opened his eyes. I crawled into the bed at last, he poked the side of my stomach as I laid beside him.

"What are you doing?" I looked at him.

"I thought maybe you were ticklish."

I laughed quietly, "oh, no. I'm not."

He laughed too, I could tell he was embarrassed. I had embarrassed Matty. I thought of it as pay back for him embarrassing me about Ross' instrument question.

I leaned over and turned off the light on my bed stand. All I could see was the darkness, and feel the company of him beside me...and see a small shine of light from the outside light peeking into the blinds of my bedroom

He looked up at the glow in the dark stars on my ceiling, "oh you do have those."

I looked up with him, feeling like the ultimate geek. I nodded, "mhm."

He didn't say anything for a while, neither of us did. We just sat in the silence of one another. I didn't know what he was thinking and it drove e insane. Even more, I couldn't believe I had someone of the opposite sex in my bed.

"It's cool." He finally spoke.

"Thanks." I smiled to myself.

I could feel him looking at me, I turned to him, seeing the shadow of him as he came into a slight view in the dark. He leaned in and kissed me softly on the lips. I didn't get nervous...somehow it felt right.

I kissed him back, please let me be kissing him correctly, please let me be kissing him correctly.

I then could feel the kiss growing deeper, as he placed his hand on my hip. I went with it, following. I could feel his tongue waiting entrance, I accepted. My heart then began to race in my chest. I didn't know what was happening, or why. Before I knew it he was on top of me, and my arms were wrapped around his neck as I laid under him, following every motion of his tongue and kiss.

Suddenly my dad's bedroom door cam into sound, and I could hear him walking down the hallway. I jumped and pushed Matty off of me, gasping.

He sat up, looking at me, I could see him quite clearly now.

I pointed to the bed, hoping he could understand that I meant to go under it. He grabbed the blankets and threw them over his head. I hid my face in my hands, sighing. That's not what I meant, I'm so screwed.

I heard the bathroom door open, I sighed in relief...he was just using the bathroom. Not checking on me.