Acceptance

Azriel's PoV:

Azriel was applied the painkiller ointment over the wound on his chest as he was preparing to retire for the night.

He heard a knock on his door. The knock was loud and sounded impatient. He opened the door to see Cal standing outside, her expression locked in a mix of disbelief and anger.

"Cal," said Azriel pleasantly, although he was slightly terrified of the look on her face. "What happened? Everything alright?"

"Maybe I should be asking you that," said Cal flatly, walking into his room. "Maybe I should be asking everyone else about that since everybody knows more about me than I do."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Azriel took a step back as Cal continued walking towards him.

"Elaine just told me. She didn't snitch or anything, she just said that since everybody knew, she didn't think it was a secret anymore."

"Told you wha- oh!"

"Yes. She told me."

"Cal, I am so sorry you found out like this. I- I didn't know the right time to tell you, and I was worried you would react exactly the way you are reacting."

"You think my reaction is a problem?"

"No. It is justified. You have made your point clear as to why you are not comfortable with the concept of mates and I respect your opinion on it."

"You didn't tell me we were mates, Azriel! We have had so many conversations about it and you still didn't even mention it once!"

"I tried, Cal! I tried, but you always seemed so fucking against it! I didn't know how to tell you!"

"How could you do this to me?" Cal's voice broke and Azriel realised she was holding back tears. "I thought, for all this while I thought, that what we had was real; that you actually cared about me. But you didn't! You only cared about your mate!"

"Cal, please," Azriel knew it wasn't easy for her. She had just been through a horrendously traumatising experiencing and this knowledge couldn't have been dropped on her at a worse time. "Listen to me." Azriel lifted a hand to her, cupping her face and trying to lift her head so he could see her.

"Don't," said Cal sternly. "Don't touch me."

Azriel stopped dead in his tracks, her words forming an unbreakable and painful shackle around his wrists, rendering him immobile.

"Cal," said Azriel, "I know-"

"Yes," replied Cal. "You knew. You knew and you fucking betrayed me like this. I thought what we had was something real, something that was innocent and pure, something human. But, we are mates? So, none of my feelings were real? It was all just a divine manipulation to make me feel drawn to you?" Azriel could see that she was trembling, big tears rolling down her eyes, her beautiful eyes.

"Snowflake, it w-"

"DON'T CALL ME THAT!" Her words were sharp and Azriel knew there was more pain and grief in those words than anger. And he let those feeling wash over him.

"Fine, but please, just hear me out."

"Hear what? Why we should be together now?"

"I don't know. Ask me if there's anything you want to know. And I will tell you."

"Well, tell me then, when exactly did you find out I was your mate?"

"The first day I met you. Which is why when Ianthe poisoned you, my blood worked so well."

"So, from the first day that I met you, you have been manipulating me?"

"I never manipulated you, Cal. Honestly, I didn't even want the mating bond. But after we talked, I realised I was glad for the bond. I had never really meant to tell you this, I wanted you to live your normal human life. But even if I never told you, I planned on keeping a check through the bond, just to know that you were okay. And that wasn't because of the bond. I just- you made me want to care about you."

"So, all those talks, that date, the night you made me watch the rain on Sidra, that was all just an attempt to make me fall in love with you?"

"No. I wanted to do all tha-"

"I thought there was hope," she said in a broken voice. "I thought there was hope for someone like me."

"What do you mean you thought? Cal, there is always hope. You a-"

"And I thought you loved me." Cal's voice sounded choked. "I thought you genuinely cared about me, that you actually wanted to sit under the bridge with me. But, you were just manipulating me."

"I have never tried to manipulate you," Azriel tried to sound calm, but he could hear the nervousness in his voice.

"I thought you were trying to save me. When the arrows hit you in Hybern, I realise now, you weren't trying to save me. You were trying to save your mate. I have heard that mates are hard to come by, and you couldn't afford to lose the one the Cauldron had bestowed upon you. It didn't matter if I died. You just never wanted to lose your mate!"

"No, Cal. I sa-"

"I told you that I wasn't good enough to be saved, that I didn't deserve any of this. And I was right. I wasn't. I never have been. The only reason why I was worthy of being saved was because I was your mate. The only reason why Cassian was training me so hard was because he didn't want his best friend to lose his mate. I have never been good enough for any of this. My entire existence, all of my qualities, everything has now been reduced to one thing- Azriel's mate."

Cal's breathing was coming in heavy pants.

"I'm sorry," said Azriel, taking a step towards her. "I am really sorry I made you feel that way. But you have to hear me out, please."

Az wanted to hold her, wipe away her tears and pull her on his lap, kiss her swollen eyes and tell her that it was okay.

But he couldn't, she had specifically ordered him not to touch her.

He was the reason why she was crying. He had made her cry. Again.

"You're bleeding," said Azriel softly, eyeing a splotch of blood on her clothes directly above her stomach.

"I ran up the stairs," said Cal, looking down briefly, "the blisters must have ruptured."

"I'll get something for that." Az headed to his cupboard to find a fresh change of clothes for her to wear.

"Don't worry, I am a faerie now. A little blood loss won't kill me. Your mate will still be alive." Her words sounded dead and Azriel turned around to see that her soft gaze had hardened. She wiped her tears with the back of her hand.

"I don't care about my fucking mate!" The words came out in a snarl but Az felt himself trembling. He took another step towards Cal, holding her elbows with both his hands to keep her there so he could talk. "I care about you, Cal. I care about my Snowflake, my precious friend. I care about the woman who agreed to be tortured by Ianthe just to keep me safe. I care about the woman who asked me how many sweets was too many sweets. I care about the woman who fought and killed eight faeries while human. I care about you. Please, don't do this to us."

Cal didn't say anything and Az could feel that she was trembling again, her hands fisted at her side.

"Talk to me, Cal. Please." Azriel was begging now. "I am sorry you found things out like this, I never meant for you to find things out like this. It should have been me telling you the truth, I know, and I am so sorry. But please, don't consider yourself so less because of something neither of us had any control over."

"I don't know what is real and what is not anymore, Az. I really don't."

"Do you-" the words stopped in Azriel's lips as he realised that the answer would probably destroy him. But he needed to ask her this question. More importantly, Cal needed to ask herself this question. "Do you want to reject the mating bond?"

"What?" Cal looked up at him, surprise evident on her features.

"Do you want to reject the bond?"

"I can?"

"Yes, you can. You do have a choice. You always do."

"But- I have heard that if one of them rejects the bond, the other can even go insane."

"Yes, and that mainly happens because they realise that they have completely lost their mate. I will never lose you, Cal. I will stay your friend, always. Because, mates or not, you will always have a choice with me."

"I-" Cal swallowed, as if struggling for words. "I don't want to reject it."

"Alright." The words were a huge wave of relief to Az and he let out a breath that he didn't even know he was holding. "So, what do you want to do? Accept it?"

"No! I mean- not yet. I don't know! Can we just- stay like this? I do want to stay with you Az, but this is- its too overwhelming."

"Of course we can, Cal. We can stay like this, or any other way, however you want."

"And, I can accept the bond later?"

"Yes, Cal. Whenever you are ready."

Eighty Days Later

Cal's PoV:

Azriel had kept his word.

He never brought up the topic of mates again. He never even asked her about it.

Cal had put up some boundaries because she needed to process the information and Az had obliged with every one of her rules. He never pushed her limits, never even asked her an awkward question.

But they still had their moments.

There was one thing that they both argued about though.

Cal was not allowed to leave the House of the Wind without a glamour on. And always strapped to her thighs was a dagger. She even carried her sword in the sheath with a glamour on so it was never visible.

"It is dangerous," Az had said when Cal asked about it. "A lot of people know you are powerful. A lot of people know you are my mate. Hybern, before the war, will use whatever they can get their hands on. I can't risk losing you to them."

Cal did not mind the glamours, but it did get a little irksome after a while.

Although, Cal was never really trapped in the house like Tamlin had kept Feyre. She was free to go wherever she wanted. And yes, the safety measures did make sense. He was the spymaster after all. He would know.

Even with the boundaries, Az would often spend the night with her, but things never really went beyond a few kisses. Azriel was a perfect gentleman and would always caress her to sleep after kissing her.

"No matter how tempting you are," Az had said, "I will never manipulate you into anything. I am not doing anything until you directly ask me to. I give you my word for it."

This particular night, Cal was reading a piece of literature that involved restarting hearts. Yes, there were limitations; the heart had to be restarted within five minutes, otherwise the person would very well be dead.

She closed the book and looked at the time.

It was well after midnight.

Az had probably retired in his room. Rhys was in the Town House. Cassian and Nesta had gone up to one of the Illyrian war camps. Mor had taken Elaine with her on a trip outside town, for a change of pace she had said. The house would be empty for two to three days at least.

Cal switched off the light and retired to bed, thinking about all the notes she would have to make in the morning. Now that she was faerie, she could feel how fast her writing was and that made her very happy.

The room was comfortably dark, but then, the darkness seemed to turn menacing. Like it had eyes. And it was watching her.

Then she realised she was right.

The darkness was watching her.

On her balcony, every time the curtain fluttered, she thought she saw a pair of almond-shaped amber eyes.

Just when Cal thought she was probably imagining things, she saw that the eyes were underlined by two rows of razor-sharp teeth, snarling at her in the dark.