Special

I walked on stage and sat on the stool with my guitar in hand. The bright lights shone down on me and I couldn't help but to think of Haewon's smile. The fans cheered loudly but went silent after I had begun. My emotions came out with every note I sang. Yes. With every note I sang. I was singing for the public for the first time. For my fans, for my members, for my family, and for my sister and dad. My voice was dripping with sadness as I remembered how I used to hang out with Haewon after school everyday. The snacks we shared in the kitchen at midnight while she told me all about her day. I let the song take me down the road of memories.

I stand, lonely and out of breathLooking for you in everythingWhere is that happinessThe one that always made me smileWas that happinessJust a mask to hide your struggling soul

Taint me, with the sounds of your criesHaunt me, with the way you triedTo hurt yourself in ways I can't imagineI thought you loved yourselfHow much of this life was a lie

And I cryThroughout the day and the nightAnd I tryTo find my way back to the lightThat is your smileBut you are no where to be foundBrings me to tears just by saying your nameIt'll never be the same oh oh

I reach, for your smaller handBut I'm left with my sadness againWhere is my happinessThe one that made you smileWas that happinessA mask to hide my own struggling soul

Hate me, for trying to move onShame me, for trying to accept that you're goneTo try and understand just why you leftTaking all my strength and motivationLeaving me with sadness and depression

And I cryThroughout the day and the nightAnd I tryTo find my way back to the lightThat is your smileBut you are no where to be foundBrings me to tears just by saying your nameIt'll never be the same oh oh

I'm not one to cryI'm the type to cover it and hideI'm the last one you expect to breakAnd I'm the only one out of us who should be called fake

And I cryThroughout the day and nightAnd I tryTo find my way back to the lightThat is your smile yeahBut you are nowhere to be foundBrings me to tears just by saying your nameIt'll never be the sameI'll never be the sameNo it'll never be the same no

With you lies a peice of meThe part that makes me completeAnd helps me to make it throughThat part of me is youThat part of me is you ohWe both know it's trueThat part of me is you

I looked out to the crowd and felt stronfer even though I must've looked broken. I was crying and shaking but I felt so much happiness. All that ran through my mind was how much Haewon would've loved to see me sing for all of these people. How happy she would've been to see that I was being honest about my feelings. I smiled through my tears as I stood and placed my guitar back on its stand. With a heaving chest and muffled cries I bowed to the audience and heard their love and support. They shouted encouraging words to me and I smiled a little more knowing that some of those thing would've been what Haewon would've said. The lights dimmed and I walked offstage to my members with tears still flowing and heart feeling lighter. And with only a few words I expressed my complex emotions. "It'll be okay."