33: Never Leaving

The smell of cinnamon and smoke had filled my nose, comforting me but making me sad as well. My eyes had opened at one go. Usually I fluttered my eyes open but in this case I didn't. My eyes were still so heavy from my sobbing. I glanced at the clock in my room and it was only 4 am. I had only gotten sleep for a bit.

I had wondered why I still felt Fred's presence, and when I looked down on myself I just now realized that I was still in his robe. Taking his robe off, I got up and left it on my bed while I walked to my restroom.

On my counter was the creme I had used to get rid of not only mine but Fred's dark circles. I ignored the simple thing. I was using the loo and my eyes looked around my bathroom like I've never been in there before.

My eyes caught the attention of my strawberry conditioner, the one Fred liked but I ignored the silly thought in my head. As i finished up in the bathroom, I walked out shaking my head to wake up. I went through my drawers to just pick out some clothes to change into, and I stumbled upon the shirt my brother owned. The same shirt I let fred wear when after we took a shower together.

Why was everything making me think of him? He was never going to leave my head.

I changed into some simple plaid pajama pants and wore a plain long sleeve shirt so I can be extra comfortable and warm on my bed. Alone.

As I was about to get in bed again, the sound of something rubbing or brushing against my door had caught my attention. I was just thinking that someone's cat in the dormitory had escaped so I opened my door.

It definitely wasn't a cat.

This red headed, shirtless, tall boy had his back against the hall wall that was across my door while his head was down and it was his shoes that made the sound on my door.

I leaned down to see if Fred was asleep and he wasn't. "Fred what are you still doing here..."

"I said I wasn't going to leave until you opened the door"

His voice was almost gone, he sounded so tired and yet so miserable. I hated seeing him like this, I felt tears starting to run down even though I could've sworn I had cried them all out. "Well the door is open now." I replied but he ignored me.

"Fred you need to go"  I said while touching his shoulder. "Oh my god you're freezing".

Fred still had his head down while I was talking to him. There was a very small puddle on the ground between his spread out legs that lined up exactly to meet with his eyes. He must've been sitting there crying out of anger for so long. I got up and moved to get his robe off of my bed and then I moved back to cover him while sitting to his side.

"I don't want to go...i never want to leave-" he said while finally looking up, god he looked even worser. Something in me really really really wanted to just grab him and pull him In my room to stay. But I couldn't, I couldn't do it again.

I looked down so he wouldn't see me cry, but he slowly lifted his hand up to tilt my face to stare into his. He started caressing my cheek and his eyes were starting to get watery.

"I hate seeing you like this..." I whispered

It was my fault. It's my fault that he looked like that. I never thought about it but this whole time, I was the cause of it and I didn't realize.

"I hate seeing you like this..." he said as he wiped my tears away with his thumb. "You don't have to see me like this ... Fred just go- please."

For a second I regretted saying those words but it was for the best. The best for him and the best for me. We caused eachother to look like this multiple times yet hated too see each other look miserable.

We were looking at each-others eyes before the most horrible thing I didn't want to say, was said.

"Fred, I want you to be happy. And the way you look when you're with Gabriella...you always look happy"

"Snow —no-what are you -""Please let me finish" I said while taking his hand off my face and placing mine on his.

"It's my fault you look like this Freddie. It's my fault you look miserable and broken. I never want to see you like this. In fact, I - .. I never want to see you"

Fred wasn't saying anything, he was just looking into my eyes and soul as I spoke.

"If she's serious in bettering herself for you-""She's not the one I want." "No, but she might be the one you need."

He was looking at me like I was mental and I was for what I was saying. Even I couldn't believe what I saying but he had to be said. If not, Fred would be totally upset still and I just couldn't give in like i always did.

"Fred, I seen the way she makes you smile. I seen the way you react to her jokes. I seen the way you two chuckle with each other. I even seen the way you two hug and comfort each other" more tears shot down my face and I was looking down again. Gabriella and Fred shared a more personal history and maybe they were meant to be. I hated thinking of it but I did. She was beautiful and confident unlike me who is insecure. She is bold and I'm shy. She was everything I wasn't. Including the one that could make Fred happy.

"Snow I've been holding back something - something I should've told you the day in the library. The day we danced in your dorm. The day I woke up seeing you." He said while grabbing my neck to bring my head closer to his.

"No. Dont. Dont say it. Dont even think about it." I knew what he was thinking and it was hurting me even more. We had fallen for each other. But I broke him. As much as I want to heal him, I can't. I looked down and let my tears fall down on his hand.

"Look me In my eyes, Snow." He said, and I couldn't at first but I did.

"Tell me. Look me in my eyes and tell me that you hate me."

"I- I ...I can't." I muttered

I immediately pulled away and stood up. I thought he was going to just stay on the ground for a little but he got up super fast the same time I did. I turned to step foot in my room and He took my hand to pull me towards him into a kiss. A kiss that I've been longing for. It was exactly like our first kiss in detention.

After the single long kiss we shared, he tilted my head up and looked me into my eyes. This time he was sort of smiling and I did too but we both knew it was fake.

"I'm not going to force you into anything. Just please ...please Promise me that you'll be happy. I never want to see you like this again" Fred had leaned his forehead again onto mine while cupping my face like he always did.

"I promise" I lied.

Fred will never leave my head, He will never leave my heart. Instead of three words that I've been wanting to say, I just substituted with the words that we now took as an inside joke.

"I hate you, Freddie""I hate you too, Emerald"

Emerald, that name again. The name he never called me. The name he only called me when something was wrong and I could clearly see it. The name he would now be calling me if we were to ever speak.

I kissed his forehead and he kissed my cheek that had my tears laying on it. And he walked away.He didn't turn around but he walked off and I watched him. Not even us being friends would work. We weren't friends before and we wouldn't be now.

I closed my door behind me and couldn't believe that we...Fred and I... we're going to be strangers again.

Laying back down on my bed I had felt lonely again. I was going to miss him terribly but it was for the better. Atleast I know that he had felt the same.

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I woke up again and this time it was later in the morning. I decided to start this Sunday, new. So I got up and got dressed in some blue baggy trousers and just plopped on a oversized black graphic Tee on top of my long sleeve shirt I wore to sleep. I left my hair straightened and I slipped on my white shoes and left.

Walking to the hall today felt different. I walk to the hall mostly everyday. The breeze that hit me was different, the smell around me was different, the sounds around was different as well. Felt Free.

I got to the hall and didn't really see any of my mates. I walked further in and seen Jeremih though, sitting on the hufflepuff table eating. He must've been waiting for Grey and Ced. So I just sat with him.

"Good morning? What are you doing here?" He asked surprised."I could ask the same, it's my house table."I said while chuckling just a little. He seemed to be in a good mood like always.

"I just never thought to you see sit with me, that's all" he added and faced down to eat his food. "Well, here I am. No way! Is that the new quidditch catalog?"

While eating, we had a few conversations on how we've been and it felt so different. Talking to Jeremih had put me in a better mood. I haven't got the time for it to be just me and him communicating.

Something had caught my eye while I was chuckling at this horrible joke he made about Chasers in Quidditch. I had brought my attention to someone behind Jeremih's head but far away.

It was Fred looking at me, he was giving me a weak smile as Gaby was next to him. He had seemed to move on kind of faster than I thought. This was going to be harder than I thought.

Giving him a weak fake smile back did hurt me. But he was chuckling and smiling. We were both broken last night and now felt better.

I was just glad to see him smiling. I wonder what it's gonna be like now that we are sort of strangers again.

Nothing too chaotic I hope.

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