Chapter 19: I Missed You

HyeRim POV

“M-Mwoh?”

I asked, as I wasn’t sure if I heard correctly. Chanyeol chuckled.

“I asked what your reaction would be if I said I still loved you.”

He said. My mouth gaped open, as I didn’t know what to say. I mean, he did confess before and after the whole runaway, but…. I didn’t think he would still be in love with me…

“Ch-Chanyeol…. You aren’t serious… Are you?”

I asked. Chanyeol’s smile faded away instantly as I said that. My hand lying on the table was suddenly grabbed. I looked down to see Chanyeol holding my hand with both of his gigantic hands. My hand looked like a child’s hand against an adult. Chanyeol didn’t say a word as he played and held my hand. He caressed it and then intertwined my hand with his. My small hand was sandwiched in between his humongous hands. Chanyeol then exhaled deeply and looked at me in the eyes.

“HyeRim…. I’m not joking…”

He said with sincere eyes. In his eyes, I could see the many times he confessed and the many times I didn’t answer, but this time was a bit different. The way Chanyeol squeezed my hand, it seemed like he wasn’t intending on leaving till he had received my answer…

Kai POV

After HyeRim had left, I walked towards the window. The long, wide windows had an amazing view of the city below and a good enough view of the front downstairs. After minutes of viewing the city, I looked down to see HyeRim walking out of the building. I smiled as I was finally able to see her like this again. To no longer see her drowning in her sadness. To see her beautiful smile. Her angel like smile that made shivers go down my back every time I see it. As I watched her from above, she suddenly tripped on the edge of the sidewalk as she made her way to a taxi. I couldn’t help but laugh at her clumsy state. I saw her face turn into a bright red as she sat herself in the cab. As the taxi was slowly leaving my sight, I walked back to my desk and took out the lunch HyeRim had gotten for me. It was fried chicken. I hadn’t had chicken like this in years. I ate away at the chicken as if I hadn’t eaten all day. As I was nearly done with my food, I looked up and just stared… I stared blankly at the wall and pondered in my thoughts. I thought of what had happened between Chanyeol and I. Am I really the right one for her? It hurts for me to see her near Chanyeol and any other man. To see her smiling away with another man just makes my blood boil with jealousy. Chanyeol…. He treated her like a princess even when they were in the countryside. Am I really the right choice? Would it be better for her to be in the arms of a more reliable man? A man that took care of her longer than I had…. I threw down the last drumstick of my chicken into the box and stopped eating. I wiped my face with a napkin and just sat in my chair longer. Andwae… I can’t think like this…. I won’t know if I don’t try…

HyeRim POV

“Ch-Chanyeol… I mean… I don’t know how to respond… I.. I…”

Chanyeol then interrupted me as he replied,

“Please HyeRim… If you can’t answer to my confession, then have you ever thought of me as more than a friend? Please… Just tell me this one answer… I just need to know how you think of me…”

Chanyeol said as his eyes moved from my eyes to our hands clasped together. I didn’t know how to respond. I always have thought about this in my head, but I never had the answer to it. Was Chanyeol a friend, a boyfriend, friends with benefits, or just someone that I had connections with? A long time ago, I thought I had finally found out what love really was, but I was wrong…. What is love? How do I know if I am with the right person? What if the person that loves me is too good for me or too bad for me? Love. What are you exactly?

“*sigh* Chanyeol…. Honestly…. I don’t even know how I feel right now. I don’t what my feelings are. I’m just….. Lost.”

I said as I unclasped my hands from Chanyeol’s. Chanyeol didn’t expect my answer to be like this, but he knew just from the look in my eyes that I was telling the truth.

Chanyeol POV

I looked into HyeRim’s eyes and saw her in confusion. She seemed to have difficulties over her feelings. I then realized at that moment. Was I being too eager for her to accept my feelings? I mean, she just got over her brother’s death…. I then realized at that moment that I should have taken things slower. This was an inopportune moment to confess to her right this moment, even if I have thought of this confession over and over. Right now… At this moment, she is not ready to convey her feelings. She is like a newborn baby right now… I should take things slow.

“Arraseo… I understand…. Take your time. I will always be here if you need me.”

It was then when the waiter had brought the bill. I gave him a hundred thousand won.

“Keep the change.”

I said as I walked off.

HyeRim POV

After Chanyeol left, I sat in the booth wondering of the feelings that were in my heart.

“Chogiyo…. Chogiyo. Ahjumma…. Chogiyo~ Ahjumma, when are you leaving? Ahjumma… I need to clean the table.”

The waiter said.

“Ah… Joseomida.”

I said as I got up. I then left the restaurant, but then realized something. DID THAT KID JUST CALL ME AHJUMMA!? I’M ONLY 29! AISH! Forget that kid… I thought as I walked off.

I arrived at Kai’s house and thought in my room. What should I do now? It feels awkward living with Kai, even though we did live with each other for a while. I just feel displaced in this house. It’s awkward when I bump into Kai compared to how I used to be with him…. I then remembered about the inheritance that I had from my parents and thought of using it to buy my own house or apartment, whichever is cheaper.

It was later that night when Kai had finally come home. I peeked from the edge of the staircase to see Kai yawning and making his way upstairs. He didn’t see me peeking at him though. As he was reaching the top of the staircase, I immediately ran towards my room. Suddenly Kai caught me and said,

“HyeRim? How was the lunch with Chanyeol? Did you eat yet?”

“Ah… Ne… Chanyeol treated me well and yes… I ate already.”

I replied.

“Ah… I see. Okay…”

The conversation ended there. Awkwardness filled the air as we just stood there.

“Umm…. I’m going to go to bed.”

I said.

“O-Okay..”

Kai replied. I entered my room and suddenly exhaled deeply.

“Oh goodness…. That was so awkward…”

I said quietly.

Kai POV

I entered the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. I slapped my forehead and thought,

“She must’ve thought this was so awkward. Oh my god…”

I took a cold shower that night, wondering if HyeRim would rather be with Chanyeol than me. I knew I shouldn’t think that way, but I don’t even have a single chance against him. Aish….

HyeRim POV

It was only about two weeks later and I haven’t heard a word from Chanyeol. I still couldn’t find a good place to rent that was nearby my workplace. Being with Kai was very awkward and I tried to get away every time I saw him. I then got up from my bed and looked at myself in the mirror. I thought of Chanyeol and what he said to me that day. Was I supposed to be with Chanyeol? Was this meant to be? What is love supposed to feel like? I used to remember the feeling of love so well a few years back, but now it’s just an unknown feeling that I no nothing about. I stripped my body of my pajamas and began dressing myself in my regular clothes. As I changed, from the corner of my eye I saw the door slightly cracked a bit open. I cocked my head at the door and made my way to the door. I opened the door wide enough for me to peek my head out and I saw Kai. Kai seemed jumpy as he saw me, but he also looked calm at the same time. I softly laughed and asked,

“Did you peek on me?”

“A-Ani…. Ne… I did.. B-But it was on accident.”

He quickly said.

“Haha, arraseo. Kai…. Can I talk to you for a second?”

HyeRim asked. Kai cleared his throat and nodded as he said,

“Ne… Sure.”

Kai was about to enter the room, but I stopped him. He gave me a confused look and I replied,

“Kai…. I’m still half naked.”

Kai blushed with embarrassment and back away from the door. I then closed the door and smiled as I looked at his blushing face.

“Kweopta.”

I said quietly.

After changing, I let Kai inside my room.

“Kai….. I don’t know what to do.”

I confessed.

“What do you mean?”

He asked.

“So when I met with Chanyeol for lunch a few weeks ago, Chanyeol told me that he still loved me. The thing about that is that I’m not sure if I even love him. I mean, Chanyeol is a person that has helped me, supported me, but I’m not sure if my heart thinks of him as a lover.”

I said as I fiddled with my fingers. I looked up and saw Kai staring deeply at me.

“Kai?”

I asked to see if he was listening.

“Ah. Ne.. Mian…. HyeRim…. Honestly, I’m not sure either. I know it’s your decision and I shouldn’t interfere.”

“Kai…. Please tell me…. At least tell me what you feel about this. What do you feel about…. About me?”

I asked him with pleading eyes.

“Arraseo…. What I feel….”

Kai then took my hand and clasped both of his hands around my right hand.

“I feel that every time you leave it’s like I don’t even know what to do anymore. It kind of reminds me of the time when I made you run away and stay away from me for 11 years. It makes me wonder that if you leave, will you be leaving me forever? I just. Every time you smile, it brings happiness to me. It makes my heart feel warm inside. If I was starving, I would be full just looking at your smile. My heart beats so much knowing that you are with me. My insides begin to churn around as I approach closer and closer to you. It’s like you’re a beautiful, exotic creature that I just can’t lay my hands on yet. Every time you leave me to go to Chanyeol… My heart begins to scream ‘Where are you going? Will you leave me again? All alone in this lonely room inside my heart..’ It hurts….”

Kai looked down as I felt a tear drop onto my thumb as he caressed my hand. Is this what he has been feeling this whole time? Kai then continued,

“My heart burns as you walk farther and farther away. My hand keeps me from holding you back because of the past we had. The past when I tortured you and forced you to do whatever I wanted. It makes me want to get on my knees and apologize for what I did. It always rings in my head that you are no longer mine, I can no longer force you to do anything because I don’t want you to be in pain as I make you be with me. You could be with someone so much better than me and someone that would treat you better than I ever did. You could be in someone else’s arms in just a single second and it hurts so much, yet I stop myself from pulling you into my embrace to keep you by my side. I don’t want you to be by my side when I made you. I want you to be by my side because you want to be there, because you want to be with me for me….. HyeRim…. I-“

Kai stopped right at that moment, as I couldn’t help him continuing any longer. I caressed his cheek to make his head face mine. I quickly leaned into his lips. His sweet lips that I haven’t felt in so long, the sweet lips that caressed my lips as he softly kisses me so deeply. Kai began to wrap his arms around my waist as if he didn’t want me to leave his grasps. I could feel it through the passionate kiss that he had longed for this moment. I felt tears drop on my face as we kissed. I began to think of the times we had together when we actually were together because we wanted to. The time when he ate with me after he fought with Chanyeol. The time when he hugged my back as we brushed our teeth together, the time when we all played with YoungJoo, and when he kissed me with so much feeling just like now. I couldn’t fight back the tears that welled up inside my tear ducts. My tears just began to fell down as if I was meant to be here. As if, I was finally back home…. In Kai’s arms. As we departed from the kiss, Kai and I just stared at each other’s eyes that were full of tears. My voice cracked, as I’ve wanted to tell him this for so many years now.

“K-Kai…. Pogoshipda (I missed you)…. Pogoshipda..” 

I then burst into tears as the dam that kept the tears back just burst. I wrapped my arms around his neck as he hugged me tightly by my waist.

It was only a few moments after that I had realized that I had to get to work or else I would be late. As I left the house, I looked back. Does this mean that we are what we once were again? Does this mean that we are together? Does…. Does this mean I love Kai? Should I be with Kai or Chanyeol? Who do I love?