20 - Fear of Loneliness

A/N: Back to chap 20, I don't think y'all enjoyed the special chap that much-

________________________

'What?'

'Did I hear that correctly?'

It feels like my heart stopped beating. I could hear something ringing in my ears..it's the only thing I could hear. My body feels so heavy, like something is keeping me from moving. I didn't realize I stopped breathing for a second before Tsubaki held my shoulders.

I couldn't think of anything else..I'm scared..my chest feels tight..

'I already made some friends..they'll disappear soon..'

'They'll hate me..'

'They'll kick me out..'

'The whole town might hate me for deceiving them..'

'Haru will get sad..'

'I'll end up leaving him alone..'

'I don't want to leave him alone..'

'I don't want to go-'

"Hey..are you okay? I'm sorry did that startle you?" My lungs gasped for air, I looked down at my feet as I held my chest. I could feel my arms tremble, no. My whole body is trembling..

"P-please....pl-please don't t-tell anyone e-else..I beg you..I don't w-want to-" My lips trembled as I felt tears roll down my face. It felt like the world was spinning. I felt Tsubaki's embrace and they held me in their arms gently.

"Breathe Sakura..calm down..I won't tell anyone..it looked like you wanted to keep it a secret so I didn't ask earlier..I'm not gonna tell anyone..I promise"

'But promises are meant to be broken at some point'

I closed my eyes tightly to stop my eyes from letting out anymore tears, my face was pressed against Tsubaki's chest. 'This is pathetic..showing my weak side like this'

"You have your reasons and I won't judge you for that..your brother's doing a great job at keeping it a secret as well..seems like you two already planned it out-"

"How did you know?" My voice was stern and my fists clenched tightly together. I wanted to push Tsubaki away but my arms felt weak..still trembling.

"My radar"

'...radar?' Tsubaki slowly lets go of me and held my hands gently to keep me from falling. They smiled gently at me before talking again.

"I just felt it. The moment I saw you, my guts told me you were a girl. I've been dressing up like this for a while now, I can easily tell by looking at people" 'Oh..'

"You're not going to snitch on us r-right..?" My voice quietly lets out as I looked up to meet Tsubaki's eyes. 'Such kind and beautiful eyes..'

"Of course not..I know how it feels to hide what you really are..I'll help you out as much as I can okay? I won't force you to tell me your reasons, you can tell me whenever you are ready or even not at all, I'll still help. Don't sweat it...dry your tears now, we don't want the others to see right?" Tsubaki said as they wiped my tears away with their thumb.

"T-thank you" I muttered out as I turned my head to the side, my cheeks growing warm.

"Is there something wrong?" I heard Haru's voice, I looked over at them at a distance to see them looking back at us.

"We were just discussing about our upcoming visit tomorrow at Ito-san's house!" Tsubaki cheerfully said as they placed an arm over my shoulders.

"Let's catch up to them"

Tsubaki-chan exchanged contact infos with me before we parted ways. They smiled at me the whole time and I felt somehow relieved, like I could trust them.

I watched as their back slowly disappeared in the distance. I couldn't help but think..'Can I really trust them..?'

Haru and I made it back to our house, I was quiet the whole time. Even now I haven't said a word as we entered through the door.

My feet dragged itself to our room before I lazily climbed up to my spot, slumping my body down on the mattress as I stared at the ceiling.

'Was that really a smart move..'

'To let it go..just like that..should I blackmail Tsubaki-chan?'

'Who am I kidding..I don't even have anything against Tsubaki-chan..'

I slapped my cheek as I let out a deep sigh, still staring at the ceiling.

'What if tomorrow people will start to ask me about it?'

I took out my phone and stared at it before checking for any messages. No one seems to be asking anything suspicions.. 'I guess I'm fine for the time being.'

"Hima? I've heated some food, let's eat" I was brought out of my thoughts when I heard Haru's voice. I hummed as a response then jumped down to get off the bed.

Haruka stared at me with worry as I walked past him but he held my arm, stopping me. "Something happened back there huh..?"

I could hear my heart race as I looked away from him, I can't look at him. "I'm right, am I not? You know you can tell me anything Hima..I'm your brother" 'I know....I'm just scared you'll be disappointed..'

I heard him sigh before letting go of my hand. "Sit and eat with me first, we can talk about it as we eat dinner. I'll listen" I heard him say as he walked past me and sat down by the table.

I made my way to the table and sat across from him and started to eat. We were eating quietly when I got the courage to tell him about what happened. "Haru-"

"Hm?" He hummed out as he ate, his eyes glancing up at me as he chewed his food.

"Tsubaki-chan already knows that I'm a girl"

I saw how his chopsticks fell to the ground as he stared at me with shock and disbelief, "What did you just say?"

"T-tsubaki-chan already knows that I'm a gir-" "How did that happen?" He stood up and slammed his hands on the table which startled me, I looked down at my lap before answering.

"I'm sorry I didn't mean to..please don't get mad-"

"Himawari....I'm not mad..I'm just surprised..I'm sorry.." He crouched down beside my chair at the floor and looked at my eyes before tilting my head to look at him.

"Can you tell me in detail on how that happened?"

I could feel my hands grow cold as I took a deep breath then started explaining. "When you guys walked ahead Tsubaki-chan walked with me and then asked if I was a girl..I got so surprised that I didn't say anything..my tears just fell and Tsubaki-chan calmed me down by saying they won't say a thing..They said they understand and won't force me to say anything and will still stay silent about it...I asked how they knew and they just said they just felt it the moment they saw me..I'm really sorry Haru...." I didn't realize I was crying again until Haru wiped it away.

"Don't cry..we'll figure it out..if the worst case scenario happens..I'll leave Furin along with you. We can just move agai-" 'No..don't do that..'

"No..I don't want you to do that..I know going to Furin is a big deal for you.." I said as I stared at my hands, I don't want to force him to leave just because of me..

"Himawari. Nothing is more important than you. I don't care if we have to leave this town again..we can always just find another" He said as he placed his hand over my head, patting it gently.

"Come on..cheer up now, I don't like it when you're sad"

"Thank you Haru.." I muttered out as he stood up to pick up his chopsticks that fell on the ground. "You don't have to thank me Hima.."

"I'm your big brother after all"

__________________

A/N: I love Haurka sm! and Tsubaki too!

It's not a cliffhanger anymore 'kay- don't come after me anymore haha 

I hope you guys enjoyed reading this chapter, I got so emotional while writing it so I hope it touches you just as much as it did with me.

Anyways, Don't forget to leave your insights, suggestions or any comments at all! I love seeing them! TYSM<3

[Muteki - Young Kee] on loop while writing this chap-